GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST.Kicking the Bucket.
As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall, the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which somecareless servant had left at the door), and turned it over; "Why, your lordship haskicked the bucket," said the facetious orator; "No, not so bad as that, George," replied the witty earl, "I've onlyturned a little pale(i. e.pail)."
LORD ERSKINE.
Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient languages than his lordship. For instance, on one of the articles of his breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribedTu doces, literallyThou—Tea—Chest.
THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION.
"Your Grace speaks withoutreason, and too much in apassion," said a Spanish brunette to whom he had made aproposal, and waspressingit somewhatclose. "Ah! my dear little angel," said the great captain, "reasonhas nothing to do withlove; andpassionis very desirable when we are on the point ofenteringintoimmediate action."
TURN IN AND TURN OUT.
A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the Duke early on the morningof the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed that his Grace "had not room toturnhimself." The Duke immediately replied, "When you have lived as long as I have, you will know that when a man thinks ofturning inhis bed, it is time he shouldturn outof it."
THE DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE
Being told that a great public defaulter had married hiskept-mistress, observed, "That fellow is alwaysrobbing the public."
ROGERS ON TASTE.
When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly, Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present—much to the annoyance of certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an observation ofhers, upon the splendour and magnificence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers archly remarked, that, "besides splendour, there was so much good taste in theornamentsandsociety—every thing in the rooms was sochasteanddelicate."
LADY HAMILTON.
The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given "Mr. Abraham Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she cried, "Come, come, my Lord, you must notsham Abraham."
JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT.
A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of thegout, observed, that the diseaseprolonged life, and added, "Any body might take aleaseofyours." "Then it must be," quoth Jack writhing with pain, "at arack rent."
HOSPITALITY.
Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been atCork? "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen a great manydrawingsof it."
LUTTRELL AND ROGERS.
Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other day. "This must be a famous speculation," said Sam; "I think the proprietor of theAnatomie Vivanteshould take his motto from my favourite epistle in Horace—
'Annonæ prosit—VirBONUS.'"
"Why," said Luttrell, "I think the man a humbug; you'll find plenty of living skeletons in our hospitals—so I think a better motto may be found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted so often—
'VirBONUSestQUIZ.'"
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX.
C.J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much incommoded by duns, were together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door, they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are youFox-hunting, orHare-hunting?"
LORD ROSS.
The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton, with six finedun-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his Lordship, "what a contrast between you and me! I have left mydunsbehind me; you are driving yourdunsbefore you.
DR. JOHNSON.
Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey, observed a great crowd collected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it meant, was informed that oneVowelwas going to be hanged for forgery. "Well," replied the Doctor, "it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neitherUnorI."
AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY.Dr. Johnson.
A pert young fellow who had made some abortive attempts as an author, and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "fama super æthera notum," he sat for some time in expectation of being accosted by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor with a smile of self-sufficiency, "My name, Doctor Johnson,"said he, "is——; you have probably heard of me as being of some celebrity in the literary world." "Yes, I have indeed," was the sarcastic reply he received, "ofvery unfortunate celebrity."
DR. PARR ON WANTS.
The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion to thesmall number of his wants; and he added, that, all his life, he had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr.Ketch, on hearing this, said to him, "Then, Doctor, your secret of happiness is, tocut down your wants." "Suspendyourpuns, Mr.Ketch," said the Doctor, "andI will dropyou the hint:Mysecret is,not to let them grow up."
GEORGE COLMAN.
George Colman being once asked if he were acquainted with Theodore Hook, replied, "Oh yes; Hook and I (eye) are old associates."
JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER.
"We shalljumpintosummerall at once," said a friend to James Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. "Stop," said the punster, "if it isleap year, you must take a goodspringfirst."
SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART—THE SCORE OF MERIT.
Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted, said, "It must have been on themeritof hisscore[19], and not on thescoreof hismerit."
[19]The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich.
[19]The title was bestowed by the Duke of Richmond, then Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, who it is known was not over rich.
MR. WILLIAM SPENCER.Classical Pun.
As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores's one day, somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the "Ostend packet in a squall;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed,
"Quodcunque Ostendismihisic incredulus odi."
REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST.
The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog, should mix equal quantitiesof spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. Reynolds having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady—"Pray, Sir, is it—As You Like It?"—"No, Madam," replied the dramatist, "it is—Measure for Measure."
HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS.The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian.
The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, "I only come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's playing, when the young actor retorted—"Sir, I thought you were only to be aSpectator; instead of that you are turningTatler." "Never mind him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will, I'll be theGuardian."
ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN.
The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with an offer for a good engagement from a manager, who, on a former occasion, had not behaved altogether well to him.Cherry sent him word, that he had been bit by him once, and he was resolved, that he should not maketwo bites of A. Cherry.
MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE.
Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, "IfRaine was ever known to do any good to Hay?"
RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER.A Fault in Candles.
Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph, "they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn anylonger."
C.J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE "SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL."
Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House, where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial.Charles's appetite being rather keen, he was far from relishing the kickshaws that were set before him, and addressing his companion—"These dishes, Burke," said he, "are admirably calculated for your palate—they are bothsublimeandbeautiful."
HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON "TIT BITS."
Horne Tooke, author of theEpea Pteroenta, was remarkable for the readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. "What!" said Horne Tooke, "go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of Greek and Latin scraps! that will never do." Some time after this, he met Dr. Parr in the street, and addressed him with, "Ah! my dear Parr, is it you? how gratified I am to see you!" "What, me?" replied Parr, "a mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps?" "Oh my good friend," rejoined Horne Tooke immediately, "those who told you that never understood me; when I spoke of thescrapsI meant thetit-bits."
CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE.
During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps were raised in Ireland (and given as jobs and political favours), it was observed, that, when inspected there, the establishment of each regiment was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their numbers. "No wonder," said Mr. Curran, "for after beingmustered, they are afraid of beingpeppered, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for theroast."
COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE.
A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him repeatedly if he did not live within the verge of the court, at length answered that he did. "And pray, sir," said Dunning, "why did you take up your residence in that place?"—"In order to avoid the impertinence ofdunning," answered the witness.
LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET.Bleeding in Chancery.
On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work the Lancet, the LordChancellor sent it to the Vice, and "hoped there would be no morebleeding," to which Mr. Hart replied, not much, as there wasonly one operatorretained by each side. Ay, but, said his lordship, they may stick to theirpatientlike aLeach.
R.B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.
One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak: "But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and another. "Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:—
The Prince came in, said it was cold,Then put to his head the rummer;Tillswallowafterswallowcame,When he pronounced itsummer.
The Prince came in, said it was cold,
Then put to his head the rummer;
Tillswallowafterswallowcame,
When he pronounced itsummer.
CHARLES BANNISTER.
Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his offence, was told he had stolen abridle. "Then (said Charles) he wantedto touch the bit."
WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING.
That very soberpiouspersonage, Mr. Wilberforce, reproved his friend Sheridan thus: "My good Sir, (said he) you havedrunkalittletoomuch." "Have I? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, havedrunk muchtoolittle."
THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD.
The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. Whitfoord, can you knot?" He answered, "I can-not."
JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED.
The judge told an old man with along beard, who was being examined as a witness, that he "supposed he had aconscience as long as his beard." If, replied the old man, we were all to bejudgedof bythat rule, your lordship would be deemed a mostunconscionable judge[20].
[20]Jefferies had no beard.
[20]Jefferies had no beard.
LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY.
"Sic sine Morte Mori," was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord Chesterfield and Lord Tyrawley were both present, at a very advanced age, when Lord Chesterfield said, "Tyrawley and I have beendeadthese two years; but we don't choose to have it known."
SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH.
A German baron at a gaming-house, being detected in anodd trick, one of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him "never playso high again."
FELIX M'CARTHY.
Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did thus: "I have been abused here by some of therascalsof this inn, and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are thePrincipal."
TIERNEYv.FOX.
Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, "If any thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in administration) whispered to his neighbour, "If he could notlieon his pillow with ease, he canliein this house with ease."
LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS.
Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him: "I allow no person (said he) tokill gameon my manor but myself; and I'llshoot you, if I find you here again." "What! (said the comedian) do you meanto make game of me?"
CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW.
The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following bits took place:
W.I fear, Charles, youlosea great deal oftimewith this fiddling.S.Sir, I endeavour tokeep time.W.You mean ratherto kill time.S.No, I onlybeat time.
W.I fear, Charles, youlosea great deal oftimewith this fiddling.
S.Sir, I endeavour tokeep time.
W.You mean ratherto kill time.
S.No, I onlybeat time.
JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME.
When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung byRichard Cœur de Lion, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr. Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you aremurdering time." Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for me to murder Time at once than be continuallybeatinghim as you do."
SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE.
Sheridan complained that Congreve's "Love forLove," had been so much altered and modified to suit the delicate ears of modern mawkishness, that it was quite spoiled. It is now (said he) like modern marriages, with very little of "Love for Love" in it. "His plays," said the wit, "are, I own, somewhat licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle them: they are like horses; when you deprive them of their vice, they lose their vigour."
THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT.
An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted thepulpitfor thebar, has been promoted to thebench."
SIR J. PARNELL
Became a generaltoastin Ireland after the Union, by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and butter." When lamenting his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you intoast."
HORACE TWISS, M.P.A special Pun.
Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing,they answer, "a deed without a name." Our counsellor, whose attention was at that moment directed more to Coke upon Littleton than Shakspeare, catching, however, the actor's words, repeated, "Adeedwithout aname! why, 'tisvoid."
RALPH WEWITZER.
The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay, (says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat agreat dealto breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in atimber-yard."
JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER.
A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be aShooter."
LORD NELSON'S ARMS.
The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put up hisarms, and change thenameof the inn toThe Nelson Hotel; his lordship returned for answer, that he was perfectly welcome to hisname, but he must be sensible that he had noarmsto spare.
SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST.
A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lordship, if he should have the pleasure of helping him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it werehung(said his lordship), I would try it." "Ifyouwere totryit (replied Curran), it would be sure to behung."
CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE.
On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "Coventry" for refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the joke a littletoo far."
CAPITAL JOKES.
While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you have many suchjokesin your head, the sooner youcrackthem the better."
ON DISCIPLINE.
MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when the different volunteer corps were forming inDublin, that of the lawyers was organized. Meeting with Curran, MacNally said, "My dear friend, these are not times for a man to be idle; I am determined to enter the Lawyers' Corps, and follow the camp." "You follow the camp, my little limb of the law!" said the wit, "tut, tut, renounce the idea; you never can be a disciplinarian." "And why not, Mr. Curran?" said MacNally. "For this reason," said Curran, "the moment you were ordered to march you wouldhalt."
LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL.
A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim:
'Equammemento rebus in arduisServare.'"
MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND.
Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, observed, "Honores mutant Mores." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in English,Honors change Manners."
LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING.
Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of wit. "True (said the other), it is thefoundation."
THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE.Pun beneficial.
Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as they were in the time of poorMary, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was indeedMare Pacificum." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my lord, but she was firstMare Mortuum."
DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS.A pun spoiled.
At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way toTurn'em green." Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, whenyou are to dine with me, and none of the same company will be present." Tuesday came, and the dinner was served up; amongst the other dishes a plate of pease of the same description. "Carry these peas to Kensington," said Goldie. "Why so?" "Because it's the way tomake them green!"
DR. BROWN'S TOAST.
Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter filling his glass, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your favouritetoast." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for myself, I have alreadytoastedher too long without being able to make herBrown."
R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P.
"Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as formerly, you will shortly see them applyingopodeldocto their wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "Steer'sofCow-lane."
R. PEAKE AND WINSTON.
The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared Mr.Winston had left the theatre." Peake observing a stagescrewlying upon the table before him, took it up and replied, "I perceive he has left his card andnamebehind him."
ARNOLD AND PEAKE.
A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera, was anill-temperedman, but afortunateone, Charles Westmacott replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both hiscashandsuccesstopique." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.)
PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN"
Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did notrunaccording to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you expect astout man to run in such very hot weather?"
CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS.
The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where there was anelectric eel, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a pie would that eel make?" He answered, "Ashock-ing one."
THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES.
Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace iscertainly prepared for the worst extremities, for by yourskullyou could always keep yourhead above water."
BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN.Simplicityv.Wit.
A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr.Wise-acre!"
DENNIS THE PUNSTER.Tria juncta in uno.
Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen, whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in the following manner: "IfGoodbe the better half of thy name, it is so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction with thy friendJohn, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of verses that they ought to be engraven onstone. I would have given steel the preference, if a certain person did notMaryour works, soshallsay no more of the matter."
W. R. V.-ANA.THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER."A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
[There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant,punning, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.]
Some one observed, "Matchesare made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he, "and they are very oftendippedin the other place."
Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingratitude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each wasa-verseto ingratitude."
A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the punster—"You-go-lean-O!" was the reply.
"A tailor is theninth partof a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool'sno partat all."
"He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak fromexperience," was thestopperto thisvinegar cruet.
Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered thebell, theBellwould nowanswerhim.
One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the Bank, withnotes; the Art of Cookery, withplates; and the Science of Single Stick, withwood cuts."
A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took hischopatHatchett's."
A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on thedesert hair."
A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he'slock-jawed?"
"How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "thattie's something new."—"Yes; it's anovel-tie."
He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of ourfalling out."
Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what aweight is off my mind."
"What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one day. "Don't you like it?—I do: indeed I'm quitewrapped up in it."
The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if it was acity cut. "No," answered he, "it's awest-cut."
Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass: the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently let it fall—"Zounds! I did not ask you for atumbler!"
Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old fellow. "True, true; we have nothingneworgoodnow-a-days: Waterloo bridge is acatchpenny, Herschell's telescopeall my eye, the steam enginea bottle of smoke, and the safety-coacha complete take in."
Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learning waspabulum animi, food of the mind. "Yes,"replied he, "and that's the reason, I suppose, the collegians weartrenchercaps."
On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him: a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near, presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted, and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following impromptu:
"Whether in peace or war,If hostile dangers frown,It is the soldier's careTo guard his Monarch'scrown."
He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain nobleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted atitle," was the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have beenpeer-less."
On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they should refuse him "even a major-ity."
Being proposed a member of the Phœnix Club, he asked when they met:—"Every Saturday evening during the winter."—"Then," said he, "I shall never make a Phœnix, forI can't rise from the fire."
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llustration
NORBURYANA[21];CONTAININGA RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'SBEST PUNS,Pure as Imported.THE PUNNING LAWYERS.
The counsel archly crack their jokeOn every word the witness spoke;The Jury, laughing, like the fun,And Norbury sums up with aPun.
[21]Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.
[21]Many of these whims have never before appeared in print.
A goodPunhas, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a goodplea; and not unusually has proved successful with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more weighty arguments ofprecedentsandrejoinder, would only have produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is after the lastgood thingof the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to encounter anew pun, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, withoutgamefor the morrow; forpun-less, he is quite asmiserable as if he waspenny-less; and if he cannotcracka new joke at the club, he is like to gocrackedhimself with vexation in consequence.
It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual under whose cognomen they are surreptitiously launched forth into public life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in theFour Courtsof Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in thebroadandnarrow Courtsof London, at the FivesCourtor the TennisCourt, the King'sCourt, or theCourtsof law and equity, are all heaped upon thegreat original, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence, as manysinsof this sort to bear with, as anycriminalthat ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to theNoble Punster, only, thelegitimate offspringof hisowncreation; or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his witty family.
LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO
Is, "Right can never die;" then, said his lordship, punning thereon, "rightmust beleftfor ever."
AN AMOROUS PUN.
"Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Glass," replied the barrister. "Glass!" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press such aglass to my lips!"
THE JOKER'S RETORT.
The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supplemental criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted anIrish stickto it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish.
PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE.
The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation ofBully Egan, from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, whenthe opposition succeeded in voting the unlimited regency of Ireland to the Prince of Wales. The Marquis, unable to rally, fled to England without beat of drum, leaving the oppositionists masters of the political field. Not content with this retreat, the Whigs continued to pelt the character of the noble Marquis, by way ofpost obit, and to heap all those maledictions upon his administration, when defunct, which they had so indefatigably done while living. Amongst the rest, Mr. Egan, in the course of a debate, thought proper to introduce in his speech an episode, in which he proposed, "Now that the Marquis was politically dead, topencilhis epitaph;" and this he did in such coarse and ponderous words, that Mr. Toler, the present Lord Norbury, in his reply, termed this effort of Egan,penciling with a pickaxe.