Chapter 5

TIME AND ETERNITY.

On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of privately stealing atime piece, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing, that he had beengraspingattime, and caughteternity.

THE CANAL AND LOCKS.

Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs. G——, how d'ye do?—how goes on yourwater ways?—I must come and take a view of your littlecanalandlocks."

DROPPING THE SUBJECT.

A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him—"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "Thesubjectmaydrop," replied his lordship.

JAM SATIS.

A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have some more fruit? "Jam satis," replied the punster.

THE CRITICS CURTAILED.

"Lord Byron calls his abusersdogs," said a friend to Lord Norbury; "No doubt he wishes them and their censurescur-tailed," was the reply.

SHAKE-SPEARE.

Riding one day with a friend of the name ofSpeare, whose horse appeared to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. "He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must beShake-speare, then," retorted his Lordship.

KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS.

Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, so offensive to the King James's party.James, the next Lord Mayor, was not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who was present, could not help observing, "You are no friend toKing,—James."

CURLED HAIR.

Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattrass-maker in Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with her on having so long delayed sending home his order: "Sure your Lordship," said the good woman, with greatnaiveté, "there'sno curled hairto be had now in Dublin, neither forlove nor money." "By the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking amorously, "but it was very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was acurly boy."

TRIAL OF A HORSE.

Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up their verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion respecting a horse, that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lordship complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few minutes totry it. His Lordship rising, said in his usual dry way: "Gentlemen, to-morrow is a holiday; you will have time and leisure totry the horse yourselves."

A DRY WIPE.

Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen a pamphlet that was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected on? replied, "Yes, yes, I took it to the water-closet with me." When told who was the author, he replied, "Ha! I did not think my friend Grady intended me such awipe."

HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE.

Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened thetemporal artery;and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship said to him, "Carrol, I believe you werenever called to the bar?" "No, my Lord, I never was," replied the surgeon.—"Well, I am sure, Doctor, I can safely sayyou have cut a figure in the Temple."

THE GAME JOKE.

On being informed, last autumn, of the elopement of Mrs. Moore, whose maiden name was Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, "Then we must look out ourfleecy hosiery."—"Why so, my Lord?" "Because it is an unerring symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the season, theWoodcocks forsake the Moors."

MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED.

Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth riding on horseback in the Phœnix Park, took occasion to admire the beauty of their horses: "The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladyship artlessly: "and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present."—"Then I understand," said Lord Norbury, "His Majestymounts you both."

A SPORTING PUN.

A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast.—"Thirty-threehares!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "Zounds, Sir! then you must have been firing at awig."

THE FEMALE LINGUIST.

A report having reached his Lordship that a female pedant, who was well known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he observed, "He could answer for her disposition toconjugate, but feared she would have no opportunity ofdeclining."

HOPE AND JOY.

At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the absence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar, saying, "Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of the day—although

'Hopetold a flattering tale,ThatJoywould soon return.'"

A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD.

A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing to him, turned to an acquaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that he did not come there to bequeeredby the old one. Lord Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in his owncant, "I'mold, 'tis true, and I'mrumsometimes—and for once I'll bequeer, and send you toquod."

A LATE DINNER.

Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house, said, "Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." "I rather fear, my friend," replied Mr. Curran, "it will beso long first, that you may forget it."

CUT AND COME AGAIN.

In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr. Allpress of Abbey-street, defendant, before Lord Norbury and a special jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Pennyfather, &c. Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the heat of argument said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife outstretchedto cut from usthe very pound of flesh!" Lord Norbury very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, "Mr. Johnson, the opposite bar perhaps conceive youcan spare it better."

A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED.

When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence of transportation to Botany Bay was passed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry-room table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, "that he thought it very hard, as it was no uncommon thing to havenote takersat all such public meetings."

CLOSE SHAVING.

The Persian Ambassador having, among other public places, visited the Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a short time, to view so extraordinary a personage, he being fully dressed in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of the Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily replied, "he might be a veryclever man, but he was certain he was not aclose shaver."

THE RACKET COURT.

The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive as they should be. Duringthe examination of a witness, Lord Norbury had occasion once or twice to request silence; when the man, in a reply to a question from his lordship relative to his occupation, answered that "he kept aracket court." "Indeed," said the judge, and looking archly at the bar, continued, "and I am very sorry to say that I am Chief Justice of aracket courtmuch too often."

POT LUCK.

A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at his own house; when some wags, more desirous of promoting discord than harmony, used to assemble under his windows, making the most hideous noises, or in the Irish phraseology, "giving him a shaloo," upon which the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the heads of some passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For this assault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who, in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, "that the plaintiffs must be considered in the light ofuninvited guests, and it could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant withpot-luck."

In a humorous trial between the rival managers,Messrs. Daly and Astley, respecting the right of the latter to perform the farce of "My Grandmother," at the Peter-street theatre, Dublin, Daly's counsel stated, that the penalties recoverable from the defendant, for his infringement of the rights of the patent theatre, would all be given to that excellent charity the Lying-in Hospital. Mr. Toler, in reply, observed, "That it was notorious, no man in Dublin had contributed more largely,in one way, to the Lying-in Hospital than Mr. Daly; and it was therefore but fair, if he recovered in this action, that he should send themthe cash. But," continued the facetious counsel, "although Mr. Daly's attachment togood piecesis proverbial, we do not choose that he shall monopolize all thegood piecesin Dublin, from 'My Grandmother' down to 'Miss in her Teens.'"

LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH.SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF

He's dead! alas, facetiouspunster,Whose jokes made learned wigs with fun stir:From heaven's high court, atipstaff'ssent,To call him to hispun-ishment:—Stand to your ropes! ye sextons, ring!Let all your clappers ding, dong, ding!Nor-buryhim without his due,He was himself aToler[22]too!

[22]The Learned Judge's name.

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PUNNING EPIGRAMS.THE SPORTING PUNSTERS.

Two merry wags, of Cockney land,Well known at Rhodes's, in the Strand,Where tavern wits choice puns let fly,Resolved their dogs and guns to try.Dress'd cap-a-pee, in sporting suit,With jacket, belt, and net to boot,Away they trudge to Hampstead Rise,To take the pheasants by surprise.And what will strange appear, though true,A poor stray'd cock-bird came in view,Uprising 'tween the punning elves,Who miss'd the bird, but shot themselves.Condoling on their hapless gunning,They yet could not desist from punning:"Ne'er mind,Tom,peasantseach we've hit.""Why leave theaitch,Ned, out of it?""Because," quothNed, "I'd fain forgetTheaitchthat frets my body yet.""Stillpopforpop," quothTomagain.SaysNed, "I feel ashooting pain;But then I've heard, those who aspireTo be good sportsmen must stand fire.""Agreed," criesTom, "and in my head'Tis now engraved inmolten lead."

ByBernard Blackmantle.

ON SIR THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF ENGLAND.

WhenMorehad few years Chancellor been,Nomoresuits did remain;The like shall nevermorebe seen,TillMorebe there again!

R.B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT.

The nation ispawn'd!we shall find to our cost,And the minister since has theduplicatelost.We shall all be undone by the politic schemer,Who, though "Heav'n-born[23]," will not prove aRedeemer.

[23]In the ministerial prints Mr. Pitt was usually so designated.

ON "RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE LATE R.C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON."

A mightyDULL ASSis old prosingDallas,And quite as dull and prosing is his Son—What! fifteen shillings for the book! Alas!No pleasant "Recollection"——I amdone.

DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER.

Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public house. "And what's your sign?" said the Dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long graced the barber's sign:

Rove not frompoletopole, but step in here,Where nought excels theshavingbut thebeer."

G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE,Impromptu, on Miss M. Tree's intended marriage andretirement from the stage.

You bloom and charm us!—still the bosom grieves,When Trees ofyour descriptiontake theirleaves.

TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR,On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla.

Dear Captain Parry, you are rightTo give the belles a levee;God grant yourdancingmay belight,For oh! yourbook is heavy.

SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB.Elia's Pen.

SaysElia, "Zounds, this pen is hard!"Quoth Samuel Rogers, "Do not huff;But write away, my honey bard,You soon can make itsoft enough."

FRIv.DAY.

Good Fridayrain'd,Sam RogersdinedOn soles, for fish were all the go;And Sam allowed theFriwasgood,Although thedaywas butso so.

TO THE LATE MR. COUTTS.Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke ofGordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by theMarquis of Huntley.

Anapple, we know, caused old Adam's disgrace,Who from Paradise quickly was driven;But yours, my dear Tom, is a happier case,For aMelontransports you to heaven.

TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW.

Her mourning is all make-believe;'Tis plain there's nothing in it;With weepers she has tipp'd her sleeve,The while she's laughing in it.

IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE,ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE.

'Tis true I am ill, but I need not complain;For he never knew pleasure who never knewPayne.

TO C.J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE.

God's noblest work's anhonest man,Says Pope's instructive line;To make anhonest woman, then,Most surely is divine.

TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY.

Youmovethe people, when you speak,For one by one,awaythey sneak.

COWPER'S HOMER.

Any-mad-versionswhen like this I see,Animadversionsthey will draw from me.

TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR.With his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on thePoet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton.

Take your night-cap again, my good lord, I desire,For I wish not to keep it a minute;What belongs to a Nelson, where'er there is fire,Is sure to be instantly in it.

ON THE COUNTESS OF B——, WHO WAS RUINED AT THE GAMING TABLE.Card-table epitaph.

Clarinda reign'd the queen ofhearts,Like sparklingdiamondswere her eyes;Till by the knave ofclubs'false arts,Here bedded by aspadeshe lies.

ADAM AND MACADAM.

"The Macadamized streets are extremelydusty."—Morning Paper.Adam was made of borrow'd dust;So says the Bible; and, 'tis plain,Macadam, to discharge the trust,To dust turns all theways of men.

THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN.A hint to clever men employed on such occasions.

"Poor Peter Pike is drown'd, and neighbours sayThe jury meanto sit on himto day.""Know'st thou for what?" said Tom.—Quoth Ned, "no doubt'Tis merely doneto squeeze the water out."

BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX.Royal Pun-Dit.

Come, lament, all yeRogers, of punning renown,Whose praises are sung by the[24]Puss sex,For the pun of all puns that enraptures the townIs the last by his big Grace of Sus-sex.In dispensing last week the Dispensary toasts,And telling the names of its Patrons,He stumbled on two, of whom Watling Street boasts,No matter if spinsters or matrons.First came Mrs. Church, and then came Mrs. Bliss:Said his Grace "Were such joys ever given!We enter the first—for the way we can't miss:We enter the second—'tis Heaven!"

[24]Puss, a domestic animal—allegorically a mature spinster—a tabby.—Johnson.

TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF "BRUTUS."

Yourproseandversealike are bad,Methinks you both transpose;Yourprosee'en like yourverseruns mad,And all yourverseisprose.

DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER.The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Composer, for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert, by his friend Peter Pindar.

Son of thestring, (I do not meanJack Ketch,Though Jack, likethee, producethdying tones,)Oh! yield thy pity to a starving wretch,And for to-morrow'streat, pray send thybones!

BY LORD BYRON,On Southey's house being on fire.

Pierios vatis Theodori flamma Penates,Abstulit: hoc Musis, hoc tibi, Phœbe, placet?O scelus, ô magnum facinus, crimenque deorum,Non arsit pariter quod domus et dominus.Martial, Lib. xi. Epig. 94.The Laureate's house hath been on fire! the NineAll smiling saw that pleasant bonfire shine:But, cruel fate! Oh damnable disaster!The house—the house is burnt, and not the master!

GEORGE TIERNEY, M.P.The Inclosure Bill.

If 'tis a crime in man or woman,A goose to pilfer from a common;What can a parliament excuse,To steal acommonfrom agoose?

ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE,A lady remarkably short in stature.

Thrice happy Tom—I think him so;For mark the poet's song,—"Man wants but little here below,Nor wants that littlelong."

ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS.

Histimewasquick, histouchwas fleet,Our gold he nimblyfinger'd;Alike alert withhandsandfeet,Hismovementshave not linger'd.Where lies the wonder of the case?A moment's thought detects it;Hispracticehas beenthorough-bass,Achordwill be his exit.

SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM.

A father and son much addicted to drink,Sat each quaffing his grog with high glee;Said the parent, "Why, Tom, thou dost drink mighty deep,Though you'll say that you takeafterme.""No,father," cried Tom, "I will never say so,Nordoso, I hope, by St. Paul;For, 'tis certain, that if I didtake after you,I should drinkscarcely any at all!"

BY LORD HARBOROUGH.

IfLove'saflame, as ancient poets prove,Ah, me! howcold'sthefireof myLove.

ON A PAINTED FAIR.

Ye ladies whopaint, may most safely declare,WithHorace, thatdustand ashadowye are.

CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM.

An epigram, what is it, honey?A little poem, short and funny;About four lines in length,—not more:Then thisisone, for here are four.

ON A MISER NAMED MORE.

Ironwas his chest,Ironwas his door;His hand wasiron,And his heart wasMore.

ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE.Written during the O.P. contest.

ActorandArchitect, he triesTo please the critics, one and all;This bids theprivate tiersto rise,And that thepublic tearsto fall.

MAIDS AND BACHELORS.

Old maids, in hell, 'tis said, lead apes;It may be true—but, tarry—They're bachelors that fill those shapesBecause they did not marry.

ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN ARM IN ARM.

How D.D. swaggers, M.D. rolls!I dub them both a race of noddies:Old D.D. has the cure of souls,And M.D. has the care of bodies.Between them both, what treatment rareOur souls and bodies must endure!One has the cure without the care,And one the care without the cure.

ONE LAWYER MORE.

"Pray does oneMore, a lawyer, live hard by?""I do not know ofone," was the reply;"But if onelesswere living, I am sure,Mankind his absence safely might endure."

PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC.

In critics this country is rich;In friendship and love who can match 'em:When writers are plagued with theitch,They hasten most kindly toscratch'em.

DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE INNS OF COURT.

The Society of Clement's Inn having had ironbars put up at the entrance to prevent porters,cattle, or other nuisances from coming in,—itcalled forth the following lines from a "fatsingle gentleman" to the principal and ancients.Yeprincipalandancientmen, attendTo one of your unfortunate fat lodgers,Whosestudiesmake himlusty;—oh! befriend!Or I shall surely call youancient codgers.'Tis true I came here, looking tothe bar,And hop'd to havea callsome day unto it;But atyour entrancenow theremanyare,Indeed so many, that I can't get thro' it."I can't get out," as Sterne's poor starling said,Unless I ask the porter to unlock it;This must be alter'd, as I'm so well fed,Or 'gainst mycorpusyou must strike a docket.This may reduce me to a decent size,And let me pass your cursed bars of iron;Put up to keep us from theLondon cries,Which now yoursanctum sanctorumenviron.For if I can't betaken in, 'tis clearI cannot belet out; and that gives trouble.Yeprincipalandancientmen, oh! hear!And let mepass the bar—I'mDavid Double.

ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY.

ThatHomershould a bankrupt beIs not so veryOdd-d'ye-see;If it be true, as I am instructed,SoIll-he-hadhis books conducted.

WALKING FOR LIFE.On a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his health.

Prithee cease, my good friend, to expend thus your breath;'Tis in vain these exertions you make:And to "walk for your life" against sure-footed death,Is the very "worst step you can take!"

A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW.On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used as wine cellars:

There's a spiritaboveand a spiritbelow,A spirit ofjoyand a spirit ofwoe:The spiritaboveis a spiritdivine;The spiritbelowis a spirit ofwine.

THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH.

Two musical parties to Bladud belong,To delight theold roomsand theupper:One gives to the ladies asupper, nosong;The other asongand nosupper.

ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER.

Though nature thee of thyrighthand bereft,Rightwell thouwritestwith the hand that'sleft.

PRINTER'S KISS.

Print on my lips another kiss,The picture of thy glowing passion—Nay, this wont do—nor this—nor this—But now—Ay, that's aproof impression.

TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER.

Though much you're scar'd byMarsinarms,Atfightingmuchdejected;YetVenus, with hernakedcharms,Has seen you—More-affected.

THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN.From the French.

Woman isIn infancy a tender flower,Cultivate her;A floating bark in girlhood's hour,Softly freight her.A fruitful vine when grown a lass,Prune and please her;Old, she's a heavy charge, alas!Support and ease her.

THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER.On a Lady far advanced in years, who was a great Card-player, having married her Gardener.

Trumpsever rul'd the charming maid,Sure all the world must pardon her;The destinies turned up aspade;She married John thegardener.

THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE.The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia.

TheLamb, the lawyer'sinnocencedeclares;TheHorse, theirexpeditionin affairs;Hail, happy men! suchemblemswell describeThespecious cunningof yourlegal tribe:For say whatclientcan expect alossFromLamb-like lawyers,fleeterthan aHorse?No more letChancery's illsbeendlesscounted,Since on thePegasusofLawye're mounted.And ye,poor suitors! mark yoursimple fate—Theshorn lambsye—that crowd theTemple gate.

ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON.

"Somedemon, sure," says wond'ring Ned,"In Newton's brain has fix'd his station!""True," Dick replies, "you've rightly said,I know his name,—'tisdemon-stration."

TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES.

Ladies! thestags(as wise men say)Changehornsbutoncea-year:Whereasyourstags changeev'ry day,As plainly does appear.

ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH.

Some menbrushon, and somebrushoff,And somebrushout of sight!WhileGrieves's[25]brushmakes thousandsrushTo see it every night.

[25]The eminent talents of this distinguished artist have been for a series of years displayed in the beautiful scenery produced at Covent Garden Theatre.

ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES.

If on this pedestal we seeOur greatAchillesand Protector,Why then the inference must be,He whom he vanquished was aHector.

EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V.On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking vinegar to reduce her shape.

Against Fodor's existence, it may truly be said,That custom has raised an unnatural strife;For if she getsfat—she loses herbread;And if she getsthin—she loses herlife.

On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of the appearance of Miss Dance.

Piozzi, when eighty, at a dance led the first,But she was mirth's votary through life's pleasant trance,And though fame knows not age, yet our wonder is just,WhereMelpomene'sself comes to welcome theDance.

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