Chapter 6

On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by Miss Tree.

Where's Ariel? that is, where isTree?Whose voice and form so truly suit in't;Surely the public must agree,The Manager has put hisFootin't.

On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars Bridge.

England's friendly to all, let folks say what they will,From Gentile, or Jew, she ne'er was a rover;HerCommonsfirst passed the Catholic Bill,And the very next day vote for thePass over.

On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery Ship early in Passion Week.

Parry'sragefor discovery exceeds all, no doubt,For both captain and crew in aFuryset out;But still some excuse will appear for this freak,When we learn the affair took place inPassionweek.

On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lame.

That Shakspeare waslame, from his sonnets you'd gain,Buthaltere such men withweaknessyou're branding;An ablerhandnever guided a pen,And his works plainly show he'd a strongunderstanding.

ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE;The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore George IV. with a laurel wreath.

Pistrucci, in thine art divine,Thou never wast more clever;Long may thelaurelmark our Sovereign's line,But may theI.V.never!

IMPROMPTUOn Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street.

When war destruction on the soldier deals,Some seek from death a refuge in their heels;E'en brave Fitz-Clarence, in the deadly strife,We find indebted to hisLeggefor life!

MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.

Jack from his box surveys the house around,Views in the pit a friend with glass erect,Whose rusty coat with many a gaping woundFirst draws the cut oblique, and then the cut direct."How now," cries Will! (whilst all around him heard),"Cut an old friend! why, Jack, what are you after?Oh, oh, the coat! 'pon honor that's absurd;Charles is so droll, I'vecracked my sides with laughter."

TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.

That U follows QIs not always true;When your pigtail I view,Thenqueuefollowsyou.

ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING THE LATE RAINS.

When British flags triumphant scour'd the main,Trade unrestricted bless'd the industrious swain;But now in vain 'gainst hostile floods he fags.Oh that the main would scour the British flags!

TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."

If wit and elegance combined,With harmless satire glowing,Can gain applause, or charm the mind,It is to yourPen-owing.

ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART.

When Apollo appears, vain would Discord oppose;With a "Deluge" of music the house overflows;His (Boxer)Bochsa beats time, who's forced to impartNought but pleasure arising from Harmony'sSmart.

A SNEER ANSWERED.

"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill,"Give me abon motif you will.""A what? abon mot! how absurd!Whoever gave you agood word."

A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG.

Herelies, who living neverlied,A friend sincere, of courage tried;No slave to wealth, to vice unknown,Though oft reduced topickabone.Patch'dwas hiscoat, bothredandwhite,Andshaggytoo his outward plight;Yet grateful still his master serv'd,And from allegiance never swerv'd.A sportsman true, who at a wordWouldpoint, and oft bring down his bird:Orfetch, orcarry,hunt, orfind,Whate'er was of the feather'd kind."By no disease—no blast he fell,"But, like to fruit that's mellow'd well,"Dropp'd on the earth, worn out by time,"As clock that can no longer chime:"HereCarlostopp'd—for want of breath,Outrun at last by Nimrod death.

Bernard Blackmantle.

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THEPUNSTER'S COURT;OR,THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN.VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT.For Illustration, see Vignette to Title.

Great PlatoandHomer, and half a score sages,Who flourished as scholars in heathen-like ages,Have all of them prov'd, if their writings you'll seek,ThatPunswere esteem'd both byHebrewandGreek:Nay, more, that the gods loved and practised the fun,And their merriment owed to the mirth-makingPun.There'sBuxtorf, a learnedChaldean, hath told,That Ptolemæus Philo-punnæus, of old,Sent for six learned priests, for his principal city,To propagatepunningand make the folks witty:And so well did the priests with the people succeed,That theirPunswere collected, and thus 'twas decreed;"In a temple devoted topunningand wit,"In letters of gold, on the front shall be writ;"'The shop for the physic to gladden the soul,'"—Where the sick, sad, and broken of heart are made whole.HereJanuscontended withPanfor the throne,When hisdouble-facedgodship unrivalled shone;For no matter how wittilyPanpunn'daway,Janusturn'd round his head from the "grave to the gay,"Till the audience, fill'd with amazement and wonder,Decided forJanus'sdoubleentendre.Bernard Blackmantle.

PUNSFOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES;OR,JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR.

"Touch but hisgunpowder witwith a merryfire, andyou shall instantly hear a goodreport.""A punster's wit, what is it like?""The electric spark, from Merc'ry ta'en;""Or gunpowder," says merry Mike,"Touch it, you bid adieu to pain."

PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON.

Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in tosize, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said

"If I bate you anace,Deucetake me;for it would be-traya weaknessin a man who could notcaterfor himself.Thereforesinkmeif you dosize."

A NEGATIVE PUN.

"I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a largelandedproperty!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it isgroundless."

A PUN.—THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER.

In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage:—Tu esPetrus,et super hanc petram ædificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of—Tu esPierre,et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise!!!

A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN.

An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. "Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilesttambour-workerI ever met with."

A BACKSLIDER'S PUN.

A gentleman asked another if he would have askaiton the Serpentine;—"Most certainly; but I can't trust to mysolesandheels: besides, I should lose my character."—"Lose your character!"—"Aye, I should become aback-slider."—"Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence onfundamentalprinciples."

AN HERALDIC PUN.

A gentleman employing a porter whose name wasRussel, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Ourarms(answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in ourcoats."

A CANONICAL PUN.

A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said—"So, Canon H—— is dead!"—"Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware thatcannonswentoffin that way."—"Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard thereport!"

AN APOTHECARY'S PUN.

"Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband—"Expect to ate, yer honour—no sure, and Paddy doesnotexpect to ate—he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin ofmixturefrom a tureen of soup then smoking on his table.

A BITTER PUN.

An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is abitter cold day."

A SMUGGLER'S PUN.

When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so manyAlexanders. "Rather say," said another, "that they appear more likeSeizers," (Cæsars.)

COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN.

Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticinga spot of greaseon the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are aGrecian."—"Pooh!" said the other, "that'sfar-fetched."—"No, indeed," says the punster, "I made iton the spot."

A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN.

A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says theSkullist, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we getoutof them."—"Yes," says the physiognomist, "God help the headssaddledwith such a theory! for whilst onegalls, t'otherspurs 'em."

A CITY PUN.

A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! hisday-book'sclosed, and he'sposted, I suppose, to hislong account."—"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged inbook-keepingall his life!"

A PHYSICAL PUN.

A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician—"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" "Who! why SirEver-hard-Home."

A COLLEGE PUN.

A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best "Carmen" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no bettercarmenin the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight.

A LADY'S PUN.

A very agreeable lady of the name ofRiggs, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of themalecreation, she replied, "If we complain of not being wellmanned, I am sure we are wellrigged."

A COBBLER'S PUN.

A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's beenhealedlately."

A JUDICIAL PUN.

One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), nohogcan becomebacontill he ishanged, and then I'll allow your claim."

A BACCHANALIAN PUN.

A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have beenspinningout the evening with my neighbour Freeport."—"And now (replied the other), you arereelingit home."

A GERMAN PUN.

A young man of the name of Cæsar having married a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "Cave, Cæsar, ne tua Roma fiat respublica."

A WHISTLING PUN.

A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, "Through the wood, laddie."

A MANAGER'S PUN.

A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to thepiece."

THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN.

A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He said it was theFrenchcustom to bring wine in ameasure. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for noFrench measureshere."

A CLERICAL PUN.

A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "He was clothed with curses as with a garment."—"My good friend (said the minister), it means that he hadgot a habit of swearing."

A SELFISH PUN.

A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous andselfish. "And why (said he), would you not have mesell-fish?"

A GAMBLING PUN.

At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himselfvis-à-visat a tabled'écarté, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M.de S. to whom the circumstance was related, "this time, at least, he knew whom he had todealwith!"

A STAYMAKER'S PUN.

A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that havestayed the stomachsof thousands!"

CLERICAL PUNS.

At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, "Lo!here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment.

HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE.

Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as aTurkey Cock." The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to say Mr. Tookehad quite forgotten who his father was?" "Oh! no indeed, I have not," said Tooke, "he was aTurkey Merchant, (i. e. aPoulterer.)"

A JOE MUNDEN.

It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand pounds forByam-House, Munden exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds tobuy-a-mouse! What the devil will the woman do next?"

PARISIAN PUNS.

1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of Paris made this pun—"Il donnoit Sedan(ses dents)pour sauver sa tête."

2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to display herfigure to advantage; but unluckily one of her feet peeped out. A wit approached, and seeming to look only at the pedestal, exclaimed, "O le vilain Pie-de-stal!"

3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to the OttomanPorte, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still "ambassadeur à la Porte."

COMMERCIAL PUNS.FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL,""English Spy."

"I don't see thebee's wingin this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you arebouncingabout," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, sir," said the humourist, "it is not tobeseen until you are adealhigher inspirits; thefilmof thewingis seldom discernible in suchmahogany-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush likerose-woodat your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be asredaslogwood, or asblackasebony, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. "There is no beingcross-grainedwith you," saidthe timber-merchant. "Not unless youcutme," retorted Blackstrap, "and you are notsapenough for that." "Gentlemen," continued the facetious wine-merchant, "if we do not get a little fruit, I shall think we have not met with ourdessert; and although there be some among us whoseprincipalsare worth aplum, there are very few of their representatives, I suspect, who will offer any objections to myreasons."

A COCKNEY'S PUN.

A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change ofhair; "You had better," said the other, "go to thewig-maker's shop."

AN IRISH PUN.The two Taymen.

About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less thanpatriots; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour themeaning round the edge of the coin of "Decus et Tutamen," said she, "By the powers I suppose Decus means the King, but Bish and Sparrow are theTwo Taymen."

A SPORTING PUN.Managing the Pack.

A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office ofdealerat a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he stillmanaged the pack."

"BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS.

"In the city, whileCurriewasRaikingtogether his cash, SirJohn Lubbock FosteredhisClarkes; SirWilliam Kayknew hisPrice;RogersfeltToogoodto smash; one house in Fleet-streetPraedto get through it; and while another chuckled like aChild, theGoslingswere lookingSharpafter their concerns—poorHodsoll," added the dunce, "was obliged to give up hisStirling capital; butStevensonknewhispartner was worth hisSalt;Dorien,Magens, andDorien, gotMellowith rejoicing, andJansenwas never near being 'doneBrown;'PaxtonandCockerell, according to culinary custom, sent theirTrailto take care of thelong-bills; and thoughFrymight have been in aStewfor a time, he (like theSmithsof Mansion House-street) soon had hisPayneremoved.

"At the west end of the town, thoughScott Claudeup his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again;Kinnairdsaid he couldRansomhis credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall declared they hadMore-landthan would settle the claims of all their creditors; and althoughMartenexpected aCallonArnold, they were equally steady with the house ofCocks(part-Ridges) at Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every body knows, said the wag, thatGreen-woodnever breaks, and as forThomas'sin Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all wasWright."

A HARROW PUN.

Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode ofhealing the breech.

A SOLDIER'S PUN.

The peculiar new mode ofdrillingthe soldiers in St. James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termedquadrilling.

A PROFESSIONAL PUN.

Speaking of professions, there must be somebodyin every way. "Ay," replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks inone another's way."

A MUSICAL PUN.

To make a competent double bass player, it requires ahead-piece, while awindinstrument performer wants only amouth-piece(i. e.a reed).

A BREAD AND MEAT PUN.

A needy adventurer coming to London, who wasvery thin, observed to S. Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up alittle breadamong the musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you canpick up a little fleshat the same time, it will not be amiss."

A PUN UPON MY HONOR!

A person who was addicted to "pledge hishonor" upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, "Itrains, upon my honor." "Yes," said Taylor, "and it will rain uponMYhonor if I go out."

CLASSICAL PUN.

"Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land bought on a stipulation topay the purchase-money a year hence, resembles an ancient lyric song? Because it isAn-acre-on-tick.

A WARM PUN.

"You are never witty," said a friend, "until you arewell warmedwithwine." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to bewell-roasted."

THE EXCISE-OFFICEv.THE STAMP-OFFICE.

Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout of time. Shaw, the leader, began tostampviolently, and said, "Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of theExcise Office: you seem to be a member of theStampOffice yourself."

HARPING UPON A FIGURE.

A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas thecuttingof it. Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would endeavour tocut a figuremyself."

A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P.

"To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a man must have the ribs of arhinoceros; to obtain agood placein the body of the house, the qualities of acamelion; to secure a seat on thetreasurybench, he must not fear totread-a-wry.Oppositionhe must write thus—'oppo'-site—position;ministerial, men-who-steer-well.Private billshe may quote as examples ofprivate punishment; thespeaker'sdinners, aspeechlessbanquet, where every guest leavespoliticsforpolite-tricks. To speakwellandlong, you must displayartificialfeelings, haveleathernlungs, a face ofbrass, anelephant'ssagacity, and alion'scourage; and, with all these qualifications, you mayperchancebe consideredbearable; without them you are certain to come in for ascrape[26]."

[26]Alluding to the practice of the membersscrapingtheir feet upon the floor when a speaker is considered tiresome.

A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS.

If you mean to be adomesticanimal, never marry a woman of awilddisposition. Anugly helpmate, though she may have the wealth ofPlutus, and thevirtuesof anangel, can never be considered as alovely wife. If you would live happily, alwayswhistlewhen your wifewhinesorscolds. If she should growfurious, take yourself into thecool air, without trying to pacify her. A man who exposes himself to astormis sure to getpelted. Never offend the ears of a modest woman by a coarse or indelicate expression: thefairest mirroris stained by apassing breath. Never marry a woman formoney, lest, obtaining thehoney, you are stung by thequeen bee. Never lose an opportunity for making agood pun, when you can do it consistent withgood nature, and without endangering the esteem ofgood friends. Apun, to passcurrent, should bear thestampofwit, and bestruckoff in themintoforiginality. Agenuine bad punis not always abad joke.Latehours makelazyservants, aloquaciouswife, and end in making alongpurselight, alongillnessheavy, andlong lifevery uncertain.

Bernard Blackmantle.

TARTANI'S DREAM—A TAIL PIECE.

Blackmantle'slabours here, are done,Ye wits, and wags, in mirth who revel;Approve each epigram and pun,AndBernardproves a merry devil.

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APUNNING ESSAYON THEANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE,BYTHE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK[27];'Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts,discovered at St. Patrick's Abbey.A FRAGMENT.

[27]This highly celebrated little book, it will by some be remembered, was written to ridicule Sir John Carr's 'Stranger in Ireland;' and a more happy, witty, original, and pleasant satire, is not to be found in the English language. The book is nowout of print, and only to be met with in the libraries of the curious. Had I any reason to suppose that the author (Mr. Dubois), would have republished his work, much as I should have had to regret the loss of these articles here, I certainly would not have taken them to do injury to their own witty and original parent.

We observe in Homer'sBatrachomyomachia, that the instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mousePternoglyphus, he is so frightened that he abandons his shield and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our etymology of the mouse's name,Turn ugly face.

In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse calledLichenor, which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifyingone addicted to licking, but here we see the imbecility of foreign resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more germain to the matter is ours—Lick and gnaw? It is true, that I may have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting them the full latitude of understanding by their words, as applied to our military mouse, that he wasone addicted to licking or conquering, yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our exposition. Besides, it must be remembered thatLichenorwas not so much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202.

At v. 244, we have the mouseSitophagus, who like many a soldier of modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry ditch—[Greek: êlato d'es taphon]. I had always some suspicion that this name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing circumstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's title beyond all doubt:—Set off again—his invariable custom on these occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied theart militairein Hudibras, where he learnt that

——Timely running's no mean partOf conduct in the martial art.

Sitophagus, fromSet off again, is perfectly within the canon ofparcè detorta, which it may not be amiss here to repeat:

"New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the English[28]spring, with a sparing distortion."

[28]Anglofonte cadent, parcè detorta.So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage, correcting the corruption (Græcofonte) which has so long obtained, to the injury of truth and good letters.

[28]Anglofonte cadent, parcè detorta.

So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage, correcting the corruption (Græcofonte) which has so long obtained, to the injury of truth and good letters.

I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they areall derived from one source. Such, however, as occur to me elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of truth.

Pallas.This word should be written thus'Pallas, with an apostrophe, as in the instance of'foreforafore. Its origin then clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone, which was indeed enough toAppal us.

In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitledStafford's Niobe, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of wisdom acquired the name ofPallasfrom thePalenessshe occasions in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymologicalbearing, will, from their date, at once deprive me of all credit for originality in this department of philology. The learned reader is left to decide on this nice point.

Venus, fromwean us, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many. As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly one with us, namely, towean usfrom all other earthly things, and hence the undoubted derivation.

Ἡγεμων, orEgemon, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. toegg 'em on. It will be observed, that I have sunk the aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "Hi ham" for I am.

Macrones, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an abbreviated pronunciation ofMacaronies.

Celsus.This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said, hesells us, and from that moment he bore his present name.

L. Mummius, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen ofmummius, ormummy us, from being sent against the Achæans, whom he beat most unmercifully.

Boreas.This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually crying, "how theybore us!" which in time gave rise to the wordboreas,or as it was originally pronouncedbore us. Here we presently come at the etymology of the verbto bore, which has hitherto baffled all research and made futile every conjecture. It cannot be questioned that the PersianBoreus, andBorusthe son of Perieres, had their names from some such obnoxious qualities as are attributed to the wind, though we are at a loss to guess what they were, and are by no means willing to venture an hypothesis that may lead to indecency. It is worthy of remark, as an astonishing fact, that these gentlemen are mentioned by Polyænus and Apollodorus, but without a word in theStratagemsof the one, or in theBibliothecaof the other, that throws any light on the matter.

Philostratus.A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his entertainments, from which circumstance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen offill us, treat us. The penultimate of Philostratus is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable in these cases, and coming assuredly under the description ofparcè detorta.

Mannus.It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from having once undertaken to furnish somefleet with men; but from being a German God, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in this etymology.

Æsymnus.This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time call the God his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaimease him nurse, which speaks for itself.

Bacchus, orBack us; and admirably so called, because he is found to be the second best in the world, inspiring courage even in a coward.

Confucius.About the etymology of the title of this famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the modern description, who put every thing intoconfusion.

Damon.This poet received his name from a circumstance that attended his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he began d—ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough fellow, said, "Oh, you mayDamn onas long as you like, it does not signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observations repeated, nicknamed himDamon, or as it was formerly written and spoken,Dammon.

Alala.The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the battleall hollow.

Æsacus.He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont,he's a curse, which soon became the lover's appellation.

Titans.A title given to the sons of Cœlus and Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c.; but when the god heard that they were about to fight with him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay,—ecod they'retight 'uns!" and this name has distinguished them ever since.

The above word reminds me of an eastern one—[Hebrew: nodba] orAbaddon, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances ofthe like nature, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable,in an equal degree, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon is a name belonging to the devil, andthe most ignorantwill not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology inA bad 'un.

In fine—sunt certi deniquefines—There have been writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;" others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step, talk of proving incontestibly that therenever were any ancients. But one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, beingreasonablysubstantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect toany thing yet stated, that it will ultimately prove to be theuniversal language.

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