Thou peerless princess of Salopian plains,Envy'd by nymphs, and worshipp'd by the swains—
Brazen.Oons, sir! not fight for her?
Plume.Pr'ythee be quiet—I shall be out—
Behold, how humbly does the Severn glide,To greet thee, princess of the Severn side.
Brazen.Don't mind him, madam—if he were not so well dressed, I should take him for a poet; but I'll show you the difference presently. Come, madam, we'll place you between us, and now the longest sword carries her.
[Draws.
Mel. [Shrieking.]
EnterWorthy.
EnterWorthy.
Oh, Mr. Worthy! save me from these madmen!
[Exit withWorthy.
Plume.Ha! ha! ha! why don't you follow, sir, and fight the bold ravisher?
Brazen.No, sir, you are my man.
Plume.I don't like the wages; I won't be your man.
Brazen.Then you're not worth my sword.
Plume.No; pray what did it cost?
Brazen.It cost me twenty pistoles in France, and my enemies thousands of lives in Flanders.
Plume.Then they had a dear bargain.
EnterSylvia,in Man's Apparel.
EnterSylvia,in Man's Apparel.
Syl.Save ye, save ye! gentlemen.
Brazen.My dear, I'm yours.
Plume.Do you know the gentleman?
Brazen.No, but I will presently—Your name, my dear?
Syl.Wilful, Jack Wilful, at your service.
Brazen.What, the Kentish Wilfuls, or those of Staffordshire?
Syl.Both, sir, both; I'm related to all the Wilfuls in Europe, and I'm head of the family at present.
Plume.Do you live in the country, sir?
Syl.Yes, sir, I live where I stand; I have neither home, house, or habitation, beyond this spot of ground.
Brazen.What are you, sir?
Syl.A rake.
Plume.In the army, I presume.
Syl.No, but I intend to list immediately. Lookye, gentlemen, he that bids the fairest, has me.
Brazen.Sir, I'll prefer you; I'll make you a corporal this minute.
Plume.Corporal! I'll make you my companion; you shall eat with me.
Brazen.You shall drink with me. Then you shall receive your pay, and do no duty.
Syl.Then you must make me a field-officer.
Plume.Pho, pho, pho! I'll do more than all this; I'll make you a corporal, and give you a brevet for serjeant.
Brazen.Can you read and write, sir?
Syl.Yes.
Brazen.Then your business is done—I'll make you chaplain to the regiment.
Syl.Your promises are so equal, that I'm at a loss to chuse. There is one Plume, that I hear much commended, in town; pray, which of you is Captain Plume?
Plume.I am Captain Plume.
Brazen.No, no, I am Captain Plume.
Syl.Heyday!
Plume.Captain Plume! I'm your servant, my dear!
Brazen.Captain Brazen! I'm yours—The fellow dares not fight.[Aside.
EnterKite.
EnterKite.
Kite.Sir, if you please——
[Goes to whisperPlume.
Plume.No, no, there's your captain. Captain Plume, your serjeant has got so drunk, he mistakes me for you.
Brazen.He's an incorrigible sot. Here, my Hector of Holborn, here's forty shillings for you.
Plume.I forbid the bans. Lookye, friend, you shall list with Captain Brazen.
Syl.I will see Captain Brazen hanged first; I will list will Captain Plume: I am a free-born Englishman, and will be a slave my own way. Lookye, sir, will you stand by me?
[ToBrazen.
Brazen.I warrant you, my lad.
Syl.Then I will tell you, Captain Brazen, [To Plume.] that you are an ignorant, pretending, impudent coxcomb.
Brazen.Ay, ay, a sad dog.
Syl.A very sad dog. Give me the money, noble Captain Plume.
Plume.Then you won't list with Captain Brazen?
Syl.I won't.
Brazen.Never mind him, child; I'll end the dispute presently. Harkye, my dear!
[TakesPlumeto one Side of the Stage, and entertainshim in dumb Show.
Kite.Sir, he in the plain coat is Captain Plume; I am his serjeant, and will take my oath on't.
Syl.What! you are serjeant Kite?
Kite.At your service.
Syl.Then I would not take your oath for a farthing.
Kite.A very understanding youth of his age: but I see a storm coming.
Syl.Now, serjeant, I shall see who is your captain, by your knocking down the other.
Kite.My captain scorns assistance, sir.
Brazen.How dare you contend for any thing, and not dare to draw your sword? But you are a young fellow, and have not been much abroad; I excuse that; but pr'ythee, resign the man, pr'ythee do: you are a very honest fellow.
Plume.You lie; and youarea son of a whore.
[Draws, and makes up toBrazen.
Brazen.Hold, hold; did not you refuse to fight for the lady?
[Retiring.
Plume.I always do, but for a man I'll fight knee-deep; so you lie again.
[PlumeandBrazenfight a traverse or two about the Stage,Sylviadraws, and is held byKite,who sounds to Arms with his Mouth, takesSylviain his Arms, and carries her off the Stage.
[PlumeandBrazenfight a traverse or two about the Stage,Sylviadraws, and is held byKite,who sounds to Arms with his Mouth, takesSylviain his Arms, and carries her off the Stage.
Brazen.Hold! where's the man?
Plume.Gone.
Brazen.Then what do we fight for? [Puts up.] Now let's embrace, my dear!
Plume.With all my heart, my dear! [Putting up.] I suppose Kite has listed him by this time.
[Embraces.
Brazen.You are a brave fellow: I always fight with a man before I make him my friend; and if once I find he will fight, I never quarrel with him afterwards. And now I'll tell you a secret, my dear friend! that lady we frightened out of the walk just now, I found in bed this morning, so beautiful, so inviting; I presently locked the door—but I'm a man of honour—but I believe I shall marry her nevertheless—her twenty thousand pounds, you know, will be a pretty conveniency. I had an assignation with her here, but your coming spoiled my sport. Curse you, my dear, but don't do so again——
Plume.No, no, my dear! men are my business at present.
[Exeunt.
The Walk.EnterRoseandBullock,meeting.
The Walk.
EnterRoseandBullock,meeting.
Rose.Where have you been, you great booby? you are always out of the way in the time of preferment.
Bul.Preferment! who should prefer me?
Rose.I would prefer you! who should prefer a man, but a woman? Come, throw away that great club, hold up your head, cock your hat, and look big.
Bul.Ah, Rouse, Rouse! I fear somebody will look big sooner than folk think of. Here has been Cartwheel, your sweetheart; what will become of him?
Rose.Lookye, I'm a great woman, and will provide for my relations: I told the captain how finely he played upon the tabor and pipe, so he sat him down for drum-major.
Bul.Nay, sister, why did not you keep that place for me? you know I have always loved to be a drumming, if it were but on a table, or on a quart pot.
EnterSylvia.
EnterSylvia.
Syl.Had I but a commission in my pocket, I fancy my breeches would become me as well as any ranting fellow of them all; for I take a bold step, a rakish toss, and an impudent air, to be the principal ingredients in the composition of a captain. What's here? Rose, my nurse's daughter! I'll go and practise. Come, child, kiss me at once. [Kisses her.] And her brother too! Well, honest Dungfork, do you know the difference between a horse and a cart, and a cart-horse, eh?
Bul.I presume that your worship is a captain, by your clothes and your courage.
Syl.Suppose I were, would you be contented to list, friend?
Rose.No, no; though your worship be a handsome man, there be others as fine as you. My brother is engaged to Captain Plume.
Syl.Plume! do you know Captain Plume?
Rose.Yes, I do, and he knows me. He took the ribbands out of his shirt sleeves, and put them into my shoes: see there—I can assure you that I can do any thing with the captain.
Bul.That is, in a modest way, sir. Have a care what you say, Rouse; don't shame your parentage.
Rose.Nay, for that matter, I am not so simple as to say that I can do any thing with the captain but what I may do with any body else.
Syl.So!——And pray what do you expect from this captain, child?
Rose.I expect sir!—I expect—but he ordered me to tell nobody—but suppose he should propose to marry me?
Syl.You should have a care, my dear! men will promise any thing beforehand.
Rose.I know that; but he promised to marry me afterwards.
Bul.Wauns! Rouse, what have you said?
Syl.Afterwards! After what?
Rose.After I had sold my chickens—I hope there's no harm in that.
EnterPlume.
EnterPlume.
Plume.What, Mr. Wilful so close with my market woman!
Syl.I'll try if he loves her. [Aside.] Close, sir, ay, and closer yet, sir. Come, my pretty maid, you and I will withdraw a little.
Plume.No, no, friend, I han't done with her yet.
Syl.Nor have I begun with her; so I have as good a right as you have.
Plume.Thou'rt a bloody impudent fellow!
Syl.Sir, I would qualify myself for the service.
Plume.Hast thou really a mind to the service?
Syl.Yes, sir, so let her go.
Rose.Pray, gentlemen, don't be so violent.
Plume.Come, leave it to the girl's own choice. Will you belong to me or to that gentleman?
Rose.Let me consider; you're both very handsome.
Plume.Now the natural inconstancy of her sex begins to work.
Rose.Pray, sir, what will you give me?
Bul.Dunna be angry, sir, that my sister should be mercenary, for she's but young.
Syl.Give thee, child! I'll set thee above scandal; you shall have a coach with six before and six behind; an equipage to make vice fashionable, and put virtue out of countenance.
Plume.Pho! that's easily done: I'll do more for thee, child, I'll buy you a furbelow-scarf, and give you a ticket to see a play.
Bul.A play! wauns! Rouse, take the ticket, and let's see the show.
Syl.Lookye, captain, if you won't resign, I'll go list with Captain Brazen this minute.
Plume.Will you list with me if I give up my title?
Syl.I will.
Plume.Take her; I'll change a woman for a man at any time.
Rose.I have heard before, indeed, that you captains used to sell your men.
Bul.Pray, captain, do not send Rouse to the Western Indies.
Plume.Ha! ha! ha! West Indies! No, no, my honest lad, give me thy hand; nor you nor she shall move a step farther than I do. This gentleman is one of us, and will be kind to you, Mrs. Rose.
Rose.But will you be so kind to me, sir, as the captain would?
Syl.I can't be altogether so kind to you; my circumstances are not so good as the captain's; but I'll take care of you, upon my word.
Plume.Ay, ay, we'll all take care of her; she shall live like a princess, and her brother here shall be—What would you be?
Bul.Oh, sir, if you had not promised the place of drum-major!
Plume.Ay, that is promised; but what think you of barrack-master? you are a person of understanding, and barrack-master you shall be—But what's become of this same Cartwheel you told me of, my dear?
Rose.We'll go fetch him—Come, brother barrack-master—We shall find you at home, noble captain?
[ExeuntRoseandBullock.
Plume.Yes, yes; and now, sir, here are your forty shillings.
Syl.Captain Plume, I despise your listing money; if I do serve, 'tis purely for love—of that wench, I mean—now let me beg you to lay aside your recruiting airs, put on the man of honour, and tell me plainly what usage I must expect when I am under your command?
Plume.Your usage will chiefly depend upon your behaviour; only this you must expect, that if you commit a small fault I will excuse it; if a great one I'll discharge you; for something tells me I shall not be able to punish you.
Syl.And something tells me that if you do discharge me 'twill be the greatest punishment you can inflict; for were we this moment to go upon the greatest dangers in your profession, they would be less terrible to me than to stay behind you—And now, your hand, this lists me—and now you are my captain.
Plume.Your friend. 'Sdeath! there's something in this fellow that charms me.
Syl.One favour I must beg—this affair will make some noise, and I have some friends that would censure my conduct, if I threw myself into the circumstance of a private centinel of my own head—I must therefore take care to be impressed by the act of parliament; you shall leave that to me.
Plume.What you please as to that—Will you lodge at my quarters in the mean time?
Syl.No, no, captain; you forget Rose; she's to be my bedfellow, you know.
Plume.I had forgot: pray be kind to her.
[Exeunt severally.
EnterMelindaandLucy.
EnterMelindaandLucy.
Lucy.You are thoughtful, madam, am not I worthy to know the cause?
Mel.Oh, Lucy! I can hold my secret no longer. You must know, that hearing of a famous fortune-teller in town, I went disguised to satisfy a curiosity which has cost me dear. The fellow is certainly the devil, or one of his bosom-favourites: he has told me the most surprising things of my past life.
Lucy.Things past, madam, can hardly be reckoned surprising, because we know them already. Did he tell you any thing surprising that was to come?
Mel.One thing very surprising; he said, I should die a maid!
Lucy.Die a maid! come into the world for nothing!—Dear madam! if you should believe him, it might come to pass; for the bare thought on't might kill one in four and twenty hours—And did you ask him any questions about me?
Mel.You! why I passed for you.
Lucy.So 'tis I that am to die a maid—But the devil was a liar from the beginning; he can't make me die a maid—I've put it out of his power already.[Aside.
Mel.I do but jest. I would have passed for you, and called myself Lucy; but he presently told me my name, my quality, my fortune, and gave me the whole history of my life. He told me of a lover I had in this country, and described Worthy exactly, but in nothing so well as in his present indifference—I fled to him for refuge here to-day; he never so much as encouraged me in my fright, but coldly told me that he was sorry for the accident, because it might give the town cause to censure my conduct; excused his not waiting on me home, made me a careless bow, and walked off—'Sdeath! I could have stabbed him or myself, 'twas the same thing—Yonder he comes—I will so use him!
Lucy.Don't exasperate him; consider what the fortune-teller told you. Men are scarce, and as times go it is not impossible for a woman to die a maid.
EnterWorthy.
EnterWorthy.
Mel.No matter.
Wor.I find she's warned; I must strike while the iron is hot—You've a great deal of courage, madam, to venture into the walks where you were so lately frightened.
Mel.And you have a quantity of impudence, to appear before me, that you so lately have affronted.
Wor.I had no design to affront you, nor appear before you either, madam; I left you here because I had business in another place, and came hither thinking to meet another person.
Mel.Since you find yourself disappointed, I hope you'll withdraw to another part of the walk.
Wor.The walk is broad enough for us both.
[They walk by one another, he with his Hat cocked, she fretting, and tearing her Fan; he offers her his Box, she strikes it out of his Hand; while he is gathering it up,Brazenenters, and takes her round the Waist; she cuffs him.]
Brazen.What, here before me, my dear!
Mel.What means this insolence?
Lucy.Are you mad? don't you see Mr. Worthy?
[ToBrazen.
Brazen.No, no; I'm struck blind—Worthy! odso! well turned—My mistress has wit at her fingers' ends—Madam, I ask your pardon; 'tis our way abroad—Mr. Worthy, you're the happy man.
Wor.I don't envy your happiness very much, if the lady can afford no other sort of favours but what she has bestowed upon you.
Mel.I'm sorry the favour miscarried, for it was designed for you, Mr. Worthy; and be assured 'tis the last and only favour you must expect at my hands——captain, I ask your pardon.
[Exit withLucy.
Brazen.I grant it——You see, Mr. Worthy, 'twas only a random-shot; it might have taken off your head as well as mine. Courage, my dear! 'tis the fortune of war; but the enemy has thought fit to withdraw, I think.
Wor.Withdraw! Oons! sir, what d'ye mean by withdraw?
Brazen.I'll show you.
[Exit.
Wor.She's lost, irrecoverably lost, and Plume's advice has ruined me. 'Sdeath! why should I, that knew her haughty spirit, be ruled by a man that's a stranger to her pride?
EnterPlume.
EnterPlume.
Plume.Ha! ha! ha! a battle royal! Don't frown so, man; she's your own, I'll tell you: I saw the fury of her love in the extremity of her passion. The wildness of her anger is a certain sign that she loves you to madness. That rogue, Kite, began the battle with abundance of conduct, and will bring you off victorious, my life on't: he plays his part admirably.
Wor.But what could be the meaning of Brazen's familiarity with her?
Plume.You are no logician, if you pretend to draw consequences from the actions of fools—Whim, unaccountable whim, hurries them on, like a man drunk with brandy before ten o'clock in the morning——But we lose our sport; Kite has opened above an hour ago: let's away.
[Exeunt.
A Chamber, a Table with Books and Globes.Kitedisguised in a strange Habit, sitting at a Table.
A Chamber, a Table with Books and Globes.
Kitedisguised in a strange Habit, sitting at a Table.
Kite.[Rising.] By the position of the heavens, gained from my observation upon these celestial globes, I find that Luna was a tide-waiter, Sol a surveyor, Mercury a thief, Venus a whore, Saturn an alderman, Jupiter a rake, and Mars a serjeant of grenadiers—and this is the system of Kite the conjurer.
EnterPlumeandWorthy.
EnterPlumeandWorthy.
Plume.Well, what success?
Kite.I have sent away a shoemaker and a tailor already; one's to be a captain of marines, and the other a major of dragoons—I am to manage them at night——Have you seen the lady, Mr. Worthy?
Wor.Ay, but it won't do—Have you showed her her name, that I tore off from the bottom of the letter?
Kite.No, sir, I reserve that for the last stroke.
Plume.What letter?
Wor.One that I would not let you see, for fear that you should break windows in good earnest. Here captain, put it into your pocket-book, and have it ready upon occasion.
[Knocking at the Door.
Kite.Officers, to your posts. Tycho, mind the door.
[ExeuntPlumeandWorthy.—Servantopens the Door.
EnterMelindaandLucy.
EnterMelindaandLucy.
Kite.Tycho, chairs for the ladies.
Mel.Don't trouble yourself; we shan't stay, doctor.
Kite.Your ladyship is to stay much longer than you imagine.
Mel.For what?
Kite.For a husband—For your part, madam, you won't stay for a husband. [ToLucy
Lucy.Pray, doctor, do you converse with the stars, or the devil?
Kite.With both; when I have the destinies of men in search, I consult the stars; when the affairs of women come under my hands, I advise with my t'other friend.
Mel.And have you raised the devil upon my account?
Kite.Yes, madam, and he's now under the table.
Lucy.Oh, Heavens protect us! Dear madam, let's be gone.
Kite.If you be afraid of him, why do ye come to consult him!
Mel.Don't fear, fool: do you think, sir, that because I'm a woman I'm to be fooled out of my reason, or frighted out of my senses? Come, show me this devil.
Kite.He's a little busy at present, but when he has done he shall wait on you.
Mel.What is he doing?
Kite.Writing your name in his pocket-book.
Mel.Ha! ha! my name! pray what have you or he to do with my name?
Kite.Lookye, fair lady! the devil is a very modest person, he seeks nobody unless they seek him first; he's chained up, like a mastiff, and can't stir unless he be let loose—You come to me to have your fortune told—do you think, madam, that I can answer you of my own head? No, madam; the affairs of women are so irregular, that nothing less than the devil can give any account of them. Now to convince you of your incredulity, I'll show you a trial of my skill. Here, you Cacodemo del Plumo, exert your power, draw me this lady's name, the word Melinda, in proper letters and characters of her own hand-writing—do it at three motions—one—two—three—'tis done—Now, madam, will you please to send your maid to fetch it?
Lucy.I fetch it! the devil fetch me if I do.
Mel.My name, in my own hand-writing! that would be convincing indeed!
Kite.Seeing is believing. [Goes to the Table, and lifts up the Carpet.] Here Tre, Tre, poor Tre, give me the bone, sirrah. There's your name upon that square piece of paper. Behold—
Mel.'Tis wonderful! my very letters to a tittle!
Lucy.'Tis like your hand, madam; but not so like your hand, neither; and now I look nearer 'tis not like your hand at all.
Kite.Here's a chambermaid now will outlie the devil!
Lucy.Lookye, madam, they shan't impose upon us; people can't remember their hands no more than they can their faces—Come, madam, let us be certain; write your name upon this paper, then we'll compare the two hands.
[Takes out a Paper, and folds it.
Kite.Any thing for your satisfaction, madam—Here is pen and ink.
[Melindawrites,Lucyholds the Paper.
Lucy.Let me see it, madam; 'tis the same—the very same—But I'll secure one copy for my own affairs.[Aside.
Mel.This is demonstration.
Kite.'Tis so, madam—the word demonstration comes from Dæmon, the father of lies.
Mel.Well, doctor, I'm convinced: and now, pray, what account can you give of my future fortune?
Kite.Before the sun has made one course round this earthly globe, your fortune will be fixed for happiness or misery.
Mel.What! so near the crisis of my fate?
Kite.Let me see—About the hour of ten to-morrow morning you will be saluted by a gentleman who will come to take his leave of you, being designed for travel; his intention of going abroad is sudden, and the occasion a woman. Your fortune and his are like the bullet and the barrel, one runs plump into the other—In short, if the gentleman travels, he will die abroad, and if he does you will die before he comes home.
Mel.What sort of a man is he?
Kite.Madam, he's a fine gentleman, and a lover; that is, a man of very good sense, and a very great fool.
Mel.How is that possible, doctor?
Kite.Because, madam—because it is so—A woman's reason is the best for a man's being a fool.
Mel.Ten o'clock, you say?
Kite.Ten—about the hour of tea-drinking throughout the kingdom.
Mel.Here, doctor. [Gives Money.] Lucy, have you any questions to ask?
Lucy.Oh, madam! a thousand.
Kite.I must beg your patience till another time, for I expect more company this minute; besides, I must discharge the gentleman under the table.
Lucy.O, pray, sir, discharge us first!
Kite.Tycho, wait on the ladies down stairs.
[ExeuntMelindaandLucy.
EnterWorthyandPlume.
EnterWorthyandPlume.
Kite.Mr. Worthy, you were pleased to wish me joy to-day; I hope to be able to return the compliment to-morrow.
Wor.I'll make it the best compliment to you that ever I made in my life, if you do; but I must be a traveller, you say?
Kite.No farther than the chops of the channel, I presume, sir.
Plume.That we have concerted already. [Knocking hard.] Heyday! you don't profess midwifery, doctor?
Kite.Away to your ambuscade.
[ExeuntWorthyandPlume.
EnterBrazen.
EnterBrazen.
Brazen.Your servant, my dear?
Kite.Stand off, I have my familiar already.
Brazen.Are you bewitched, my dear?
Kite.Yes, my dear! but mine is a peaceable spirit, and hates gunpowder. Thus I fortify myself: [Draws a Circle round him.] and now, captain, have a care how you force my lines.
Brazen.Lines! what dost talk of lines! you have something like a fishing-rod there, indeed; but I come to be acquainted with you, man—What's your name, my dear?
Kite.Conundrum.
Brazen.Conundrum? rat me! I knew a famous doctor in London of your name—Where were you born?
Kite.I was born in Algebra.
Brazen.Algebra! 'tis no country in Christendom, I'm sure, unless it be some place in the Highlands in Scotland.
Kite.Right—I told you I was bewitched.
Brazen.So am I, my dear! I am going to be married—I have had two letters from a lady of fortune, that loves me to madness, fits, cholic, spleen, and vapours——shall I marry her in four and twenty hours, ay or no?
Kite.Certainly.
Brazen.Gadso, ay——
Kite.—Or no—but I must have the year and the day of the month when these letters were dated.
Brazen.Why, you old bitch! did you ever hear of love letters dated with the year and day of the month? do you think billetdoux are like bank bills?
Kite.They are not so good, my dear—but if they bear no date, I must examine the contents.
Brazen.Contents! that you shall, old boy! here they be both.
Kite.Only the last you received, if you please. [Takes the Letter.] Now, sir, if you please to let me consult my books for a minute, I'll send this letter enclosed to you with the determination of the stars upon it to your lodgings.
Brazen.With all my heart—I must give him—[Puts his Hands in his Pockets.] Algebra! I fancy, doctor, 'tis hard to calculate the place of your nativity—Here—[Gives him Money.] And, if I succeed, I'llbuilda watch-tower on the top of the highest mountain in Wales, for the study of astrology, and the benefit of the Conundrums.
[Exit.
EnterPlumeandWorthy.
EnterPlumeandWorthy.
Wor.O doctor! that letter's worth a million; let me see it: and now I have it, I'm afraid to open it.
Plume.Pho! let me see it. [Opening the Letter.] If she be a jilt—Damn her, she is one—there's her name at the bottom on't.
Wor.How! then I'll travel in good earnest—By all my hopes, 'tis Lucy's hand.
Plume.Lucy's!
Wor.Certainly—'tis no more like Melinda's character, than black is to white.
Plume.Then 'tis certainly Lucy's contrivance to draw in Brazen for a husband—But are you sure 'tis not Melinda's hand?
Wor.You shall see; where's the bit of paper I gave you just now that the devil wrote Melinda upon?
Kite.Here, sir.
Plume.'Tis plain they are not the same; and is this the malicious name that was subscribed to the letter which made Mr. Balance send his daughter into the country?
Wor.The very same: the other fragments I showed you just now.
Plume.But 'twas barbarous to conceal this so long, and to continue me so many hours in the pernicious heresy of believing that angelic creature could change. Poor Sylvia!
Wor.Rich Sylvia, you mean, and poor captain; ha! ha! ha!—Come, come, friend, Melinda is true, and shall be mine; Sylvia is constant, and may be yours.
Plume.No, she's above my hopes——but for her sake, I'll recant my opinion of her sex.
By some the sex is blam'd without design,Light harmless censure, such as yours and mine,Sallies of wit, and vapours of our wine:Others the justice of the sex condemn,And, wanting merit to create esteem,Would hide their own defects by censuring them:But they, secure in their all-conq'ring charms,Laugh at our vain attempts, our false alarms.He magnifies their conquests who complains,For none would struggle, were they not in chains.[Exeunt.
Justice Balance'sHouse.EnterBalanceandScale.
Justice Balance'sHouse.
EnterBalanceandScale.
Scale.I say, 'tis not to be borne, Mr. Balance.
Bal.Lookye, Mr. Scale, for my own part I shall be very tender in what regards the officers of the army—I only speak in reference to Captain Plume—for the other spark I know nothing of.
Scale.Nor can I hear of any body that does—Oh! here they come.
EnterSylvia, Bullock, Rose, Prisoners,andConstable.
EnterSylvia, Bullock, Rose, Prisoners,andConstable.
Const.May it please your worships, we took them in the very act,re infecta, sir—The gentleman, indeed, behaved himself like a gentleman, for he drew his sword and swore, and afterwards laid it down and said nothing.
Bal.Give the gentleman his sword again—Wait you without. [ExeuntConstableandWatch.] I'm sorry, sir, [ToSylvia.] to know a gentleman upon such terms, that the occasion of our meeting should prevent the satisfaction of an acquaintance.
Syl.Sir, you need make no apology for your warrant, no more than I shall do for my behaviour—my innocence is upon an equal foot with your authority.
Scale.Innocence! have you not seduced that young maid?
Syl.No, Mr. Goosecap, she seduced me.
Bul.So she did, I'll swear—for she proposed marriage first.
Bal.What, then you are married, child? [ToRose.
Rose.Yes, sir, to my sorrow.
Bal.Who was witness?
Bul.That was I—I danc'd, threw the stocking, and spoke jokes by their bedside, I'm sure.
Bal.Who was the minister?
Bul.Minister! we are soldiers, and want no minister—they were married by the articles of war.
Bal.Hold thy prating, fool——Your appearance, sir, promises some understanding; pray, what does this fellow mean?
Syl.He means marriage, I think—but that, you know, is so odd a thing, that hardly any two people under the sun agree in the ceremony; but among soldiers 'tis most sacred—our sword, you know, is our honour, that we lay down—the Hero jumps over it first, and the Amazon after—Leap, rogue; follow, whore—the drum beats a ruff, and so to bed: that's all: the ceremony is concise.
Bul.And the prettiest ceremony, so full of pastime and prodigality——
Bal.What! are you a soldier?
Bul.Ay, that I am—Will your worship lend me your cane, and I'll show you how I can exercise?
Bal.Take it. [Strikes him over the Head.]—Your name, pray, sir? [ToSylvia.
Syl.Captain Pinch: I cock my hat with a pinch, I take snuff with a pinch, pay my whores with a pinch; in short, I can do any thing at a pinch but fight.
Bal.And pray, sir, what brought you into Shropshire?
Syl.A pinch, sir: I know you country gentlemen want wit, and you know that we town gentlemen want money, and so——
Bal.I understand you, sir—Here, constable——
EnterConstable.
EnterConstable.
Take this gentleman into custody, till further orders.
Rose.Pray, your worship, don't be uncivil to him, for he did me no hurt; he's the most harmless man in the world, for all he talks so.
Scale.Come, come, child, I'll take care of you.
Syl.What, gentlemen, rob me of my freedom and my wife at once! 'tis the first time they ever went together.
Bal.Harkye, constable. [Whispers him.
Const.It shall be done, sir—come along, sir.
[ExeuntConstable, Bullock,andSylvia.
Bal.Come, Mr. Scale, we'll manage the spark presently.
[Exeunt.