BySIR CECIL WRAY.
First published in the Gentleman’s Magazine, under the signatures of DAMON, PHILOMELA, NOLENS VOLENS, and CRITANDER.
ToCELIA (now LadyWRAY),on Powdering her Hair.
Thy locks, I trow, fair maid,Don’t never want this aid:Wherefore thy powder spare,And onlycombthy hair.
To SirJOSEPH MAWBEY,proposing a Party to go a-fishing for White Bait.
Worthy SIR JOE, we all are wishing,You’d come with us a-White-Bait-fishing.
On seeing a Ladybird fly offCELIA’s Neck, after having perched on it for many minutes.
I thought (God bless my soul!)Yon ladybird her mole—I thought—but devil take the thing,It proved my error—took to wing—
A Thought onNEW MILK.
Oh! how charming is New Milk!Sweet as sugar—soft as silk!
Familiar Verses, addressed to two Young Gentlemen at theHounslow Academy.
Take notice, roguelings, I prohibitYour walking underneath yon gibbet:Have you not heard, my little ones,OfRaw Head and Bloody Bones?How do you know, but that there fellow,May step down quick, and you up swallow?
ToDELIA,on seeingTWO CATSplaying together.
See, DELY, DELY, charming fair,How Pusseys play upon that chair;Then, DELY, change thy name to WRAY,And thou and I will likewise play.
On aBLADE-BONE.
Says I, one day, unto my wife,I never saw in all my lifeSuch a blade-bone. Why so, my dear?Says she. The matter’s very clear,Says I; for on it there’s no meat,For any body for to eat.Indeed, my dear, says she, ’tis true, }But wonder not, for, you know, you }Can’t eat your cake and have it too. }
AnIDEAon aPECKofCOALS.
I buy my coals by pecks, that weMay have them fresh and fresh, d’ye see.
To my very learned and facetious friend, S. ESTWICK, ESQ. M.P.andLL.D.on his saying to me, “What the D—-l noise was that?”
Good Dr. ESTWICK, you do seekTo know what makes my shoe-soles creak?They make a noise when they are dry;And so do you, and so do I.C. W.
May20. Went down to the House—sworn in—odd faces—asked PEARSON who the new people were—he seemed cross at my asking him, and did not know—I took occasion to inspect the water-closets.
N.B. To tell ROSE, that I found three cocks out of repair—didn’t know what to do—left my name at the DUKE OF QUEENSBERRY’s—dined at WHITE’s—the pease tough—Lord APSLEY thought they ought to be boiled in steam—VILLIERS verywarmin favour ofhot water—PITT for the new mode—and much talk oftaking the senseof theclub—but happily I prevented matters going to extremity.
May21. Bought a tooth-pick-case, and attended at the Treasury-Board—nothing at the House but swearing—rode to WILBERFORCE’s at WIMBLEDON—PITT, THURLOW, and DUNDAS,water-sucky—we all wondered why perch have such large mouths, and WILBERFORCE said they were like MULGRAVE’s—red champagne rather ropy—away at eight—THURLOW’s horse started at a windmill—he off.
N.B. To bring in an Act to encourage water-mills—THURLOW home in adilly—we after his horse—children crying,Fox for ever!—DUNDAS stretching to whip them—he off too.
May22. Sick all day—lay a bed—VILLIERSboredme.
23. Hyde-park—PITT—HAMILTON, &c. Most of us agreed it was right to bow to Lord DELAVAL—PITT won’t to any one, except thenew Peers—dined at PITT’s—PITT’s soup never salt enough—Why must PRETTYMAN dine with us?—PITT says to-day he willnotsupport Sir CECIL WRAY—THURLOW wanted to give theold toast—PITT grave—probably this is the reason for letting PRETTYMAN stay.
24. House—Westminster Election—we settled to always make a noise when BURKE gets up—we ballotted among ourselves for asleeping Committeein the Gallery——STEELE always to call us when PITT speaks—Lord DELAVAL ourdearfriend!—Privatemessage from ST. JAMES’s to PITT—He at last agrees to support SIR CECIL.
May25. BANKES won’t vote with us against GRENVILLE’s Bill—English obstinacy—the Duke of RICHMOND teazes us—nonsense about consistency—what right hasheto talk ofit?—but must not say so.—DUNDAS thinks worse of the Westminster business than—but too hearty to indulge absurd scruples.
26. Court—King in high spirits, and attentive rather to the Duke of GRAFTON—QUEEN more so to Lord CAMDEN—puzzles us all!—So it is possible the Duke of RICHMOND will consent to leave theCabinet?—Dinner at DUNDAS’s—too many things aukwardly served—Joke about ROSE’s thick legs, like ROBINSON’s, in flannel.
“We now come to speak ofTropes. Trope comes from the Greek wordTrepo, to turn. I believe that tropes can only exist in a vocal language, for I do not recollect to have met with any among the savages near the Pole, who converse only by signs; or if they used any, I did not understand them. Aristotle is of opinion that horses have not the use of tropes.—Dean Swift seems to be of a contrary opinion; but be this as it may, tropes are of very great importance in Parliament, and I cannot enough recommend them to my young readers.
“Tropesare of two kinds: 1st, such as tend to illustrate our meaning; and 2dly, such as tend to render it obscure. The first are of great use in thesermo pedestris; the second in the sublime. They give theos magna sonans; or, as the same poet says in another place, theore rotundo; an expression, which shows, by the bye, that it is as necessary to round your mouth, as to round your periods.—But of this more hereafter, when I come to treat ofmouthing, or, as the Latins call it,elocutio.
“In the course of my reflections on tropes, I have frequently lamented the want of these embellishments in our modernlog-books. Strabo says they were frequently employed by the ancient sailors; nor can we wonder at this difference, since our young seamen are such bad scholars: not so in other countries; for I have seen children at the island ofZanti, who knew more of Greek than any First Lieutenant. Now to return to Tropes, and of their use in Parliament. I will give you some examples of the most perfect kind in each species, and then quit the subject; only observing, that the worst kind of tropes arepuns; and that tropes, when used in controversy, ought to be very obscure; for many people do not know how to answer what they do not understand.
“Suppose I was desirous of pressing forward any measure, and that I apprehended that the opposite party wished to delay it, I should personify procrastination by one of the following manners:
1. “This measure appears to be filtered through the drip-stone of procrastination.” This beautiful phrase was invented by a near relation of mine, whose talents bid fair to make a most distinguished figure in the senate.
2. “This is another dish cooked up by the procrastinating spirit.” The boldness of this figure, which was invented by Mr. Drake, cannot be too much admired.
3. “This appears to be the last hair in the tail of procrastination.”
“TheMaster of the Rolls, who first used this phrase, is a most eloquent speaker; but I think the two former instances much more beautiful, inasmuch as the latter personification is drawn from a dumb creature, which is not so fine a source of metaphor as a Christian.
“Having thus exhausted the subject of metaphors, I shall say a few words concerningsimiles, the second of tropical figures, in point of importance.”
As nothing which relates to this great man can be indifferent to the public, we are happy in laying before our readers the following particulars, the truth of which may be depended on:—
MR. PITT rises aboutNine, when the weather is clear; but if it should rain, Dr. PRETTYMAN advises him to lay about an hour longer. The first thing hedoesis to eatnobreakfast, that he may have a better appetite for his dinner. Abouttenhe generally blows his nose and cuts his toe-nails; and while he takes the exercise of hisbidet, Dr. PRETTYMAN reads to him the different petitions and memorials that have been presented to him. Aboutelevenhis valet brings in Mr. ATKINSON and a WARM SHIRT, and they talk over theNew Scrip, and other matters of finance. Mr. ATKINSON has said tohisconfidential friends round ’Change, that Mr. PITT always speaks to him with great affability. AttwelveMr. PITT retires to a water-closet, adjoining to which is a small cabinet, from whence Mr. JENKINSON confers with him on the secret instructions from BUCKINGHAM-HOUSE. After this, Mr. PITT takes a long lesson of dancing; and Mr. GALLINI says, that if he did not turn in his toes, and hold down his head, he would be a very good dancer. AttwoMr. WILBERFORCE comes in, and they both play with Mr. PITT’s black dog, whom they are very fond of, because he is like Lord MULGRAVE in the face, and barks out of time to the organs that pass in the street. After this Mr. PITT rides. We are credibly informed, that he often pats his horse; and, indeed, he is remarkably fond of alldumb creaturesboth in and out of Parliament. Atfourhe sleeps.—Mr. PITT eats very heartily, drinks one bottle of port, and two when hespeaks; so that we may hope that Great Britain will long be blessed with the superintendance of this virtuous and able young Minister!!!
As you are so anxious and inquisitive to know the principal circumstances that have occurred to my observation, since my introduction to the House of Commons, I think it my duty to give you what satisfaction I am able. As you know, my dear friend, how little I dreamt of being called out of my humble sphere of life, to the rank of a senator (and still less at a time when so many considerable gentlemen of education, worth, and property had been driven from their seats in Parliament), you will not wonder that it required some time before I could rid myself of the awe and embarrassment that I felt on first entering the walls of that august assembly. Figure to yourself, my good Sir, how very aukward and distressing it was to me to reflect, that I was now become a member of the British Senate; picked and culled out, as our inimitable Premier assured us, by the free, unbiassed voice of the people, for our singular abilities and love of our country, to represent the wisdom of the nation at the present critical juncture. Would to God I possessed a pen that might enable me to celebrate, in a style equal to his merits, the praises of this prodigy of a Minister, whom I can never speak or think of without enthusiasm! Oh! had you but heard his speech on the day of our meeting, when he addressed himself to the young members in a strain of eloquence that could not fail to make a lasting impression on our minds! Not one of us, I assure you, who did not feel the warmest emotions of respect and gratitude, and begin to entertain a confidence in his own talents for business, and a consciousness of his zeal for the public service, that would probably have never entered into the head of a simple individual, if this excellent young man had not condescended to point out to us those qualities in such strong and flattering colours.
Such extraordinary marks of condescension surprized me not a little, from a person whom I had been used to hear so generally (but no doubt most falsely) censured, for upstart pretension and overbearing arrogance; and I could not sufficiently admire the candour he shewed, in giving such perfect credit to the talents and virtues of so many strangers, the greatest part of whose faces were even unknown to him. Besides, the compliment appeared to me the more generous, as I had but that very morning received a promise from Government to refund me the heavy charges and trouble they had led me into at my late election, which you very well know, notwithstanding the help of Mr. ROBINSON, had very near ruined my affairs, and proved the destruction of myself and family.
As you desire to have my impartial sentiments respecting the eloquence of Mr. PITT and Mr. FOX, I must fairly own, that I cannot hear, without indignation, any comparison made between ’em;—and, I assure you, Mr. PITT has a very decided preference in the opinion of most of the new members, especially among us COUNTRY GENTLEMEN, who, though we never heard any thing like public speaking before in our lives, have too much sense and spirit to agree in this particular with the generality of the public.—We could all see Mr. PITT was an orator in a moment. The dignity of his deportment, when he first rises from the Treasury Bench, with his head and eyes erect, and arms extended, the regular poize of the same action throughout the whole of his speech, the equal pitch of his voice, which is full as sonorous and emphatic in expressions of the least weight; above all, his words, which are his principal excellence, and are really finer and longer than can be conceived, and clearly prove him, in my judgment, to be far superior to every other orator. Mr. FOX, it seems, in perfect despair of imitating the expression and manner of his rival, never attempts to soar above a language that is perfectly plain, obvious, and intelligible, to the meanest understanding; whereas, I give you my word, I have more than once met with several who have frankly owned to me, that Mr. PITT’s eloquence was often above their capacity to comprehend. In addition to this, it is observable, that Mr. PITT has the happy art of expressing himself, even upon the most trifling occasion, in at least three times as many words as any other person uses in an argument of the utmost importance, which is so evident an advantage over all his adversaries, that I wonder they persist to engage in so unequal a combat.
I shall take an early opportunity of communicating to you some further observations on this subject: in the mean time believe me,
Dear Sir,With the truest regard,Your’s, &c. &c. &c.Cocoa Tree, May29, 1784.
Take a man with a great quantity of that sort of words which produce the greatest effect upon themany, and the least upon thefew: mix them with a large portion of affected candour and ingenuousness, introduced in a haughty and contemptuous manner. Let there be a great abundance of falsehood, concealed under an apparent disinterestedness and integrity; and the two last to be the most professed when the former is most practised. Let his engagements and declarations, however solemnly made, be broken and disregarded, if he thinks he can procure afterwards a popular indemnity for illegality and deceit. He must subscribe to the doctrine of PASSIVE OBEDIENCE, and to the exercise of patronage independent of his approbation; and be careless of creating the most formidable enemies, if he can gratify the personal revenge and hatred of those who employ him, even at the expence of public ruin and general confusion.
Take a man in a violent passion, or a man that never has been in one; but the first is the best. Let him be concerned in making an ignominious peace, the articles of which he could not comprehend, and cannot explain. Let him speak loud, and yet never be heard; and to be the kind of man for a SECRETARY OF STATE when nobody else will accept it.
Take a man who all his life loved office, merely for its emolument; and when measures which he had approved were eventually unfortunate, let him be notorious for relinquishing his share of the responsibility of them; and be stigmatized, for political courage in the period of prosperity, and for cowardice when there exists but the appearance of danger.
Take a man of great abilities, with a heart as black as his countenance. Let him possess a rough inflexibility, without the least tincture of generosity or affection, and be as manly as oaths and ill manners can make him. He should be a man who will act politically with all parties, hating and deriding every one of the individuals which compose them.
Take a man of a busy, meddling, turn of mind, with just as much parts as will make him troublesome, but never respectable. Let him be so perfectly callous to a sense of personal honour, and to the distinction of public fame, as to be marked for the valour of insulting where it cannot be revenged[1]; and, if a case should arise, where he attempts to injure reputation, because it is dignified and absent, he should possessdiscretionenough to apologise and to recant, if it is afterwards dictated to him to do so, notwithstanding any previously-declared resolutions to the contrary. Such a man will be found to be the most fit for servitude in times of disgrace and degradation.
Take a man, composed of most of the ingredients necessary to enable him to attack and defend the very same principles in politics, or any party or parties concerned in them, at all times, and upon all occasions. Mix with these ingredients a very large quantity of the root of interest, so that the juice of it may be always sweet and uppermost. Let him be one who avows a pride in being so necessary an instrument for every political measure, as to be able to extort those honours and emoluments from the weakness of a government, which he had been deliberately refused, at a time when it would have been honourable to have obtained them.
Take the most stupid man you can find, but who can make his signature; and from ignorance inevery thingwill never contradict you inany thing. He should not have a brother in the church, for if he has, he will most probably abandon or betray you. Or, take a man of fashion, with any sort of celebrity: if he has accustomed himself to arguments, though the dullness can only be measured by the length of them, he will serve to speakagainst time, with a certainty in that case of never being answered.
Take a pleadingCountry Attorney, without passion, and without parts. Let him be one who will seize the first opportunity of renouncing his connection with the first man who draws him out of obscurity and serves him. If he has no affections or friendships, so much the better; he will be more ready to contribute to his own advantage. He should be of a temper so pliable, and a perseverance so ineffectual, as to lead his master into troubles, difficulties, and ruin, when he thinks he is labouring to overcome them. Let him be a man, who has cunning enough, at the same time, to prey upon and deceive frankness and confidence; and who, when he can no longer avail himself of both, will sacrifice even his character in the cause of treachery, and prefer the interests resulting from it, to the virtuous distinctions of honour and gratitude.
Take a man that will take any thing. Let him possess all the negative virtues of being able to do no harm, but at the same time can do no good; for they are qualifications of a courtly nature, and may in time recommend him to a situation something worse, or something better.
Take a little ugly man, with aneyeto his preferment. It is not requisite that he should be much of a lawyer, provided that he be a tolerable politician; but in order to qualify himself for anEnglish Judge, he should first be aWelchone. He must have docility sufficient to do any thing; and, if a period should arrive, when power has popularity enough to make rules and laws for the evident purpose of gratifying malignity, he should be one who should be ready to advise or consent to the creation of new cases, and be able to defend new remedies for them, though they militate against every principle of reason, equity, and justice.
N.B. The greatest part of this Receipt would make a MASTER OF THEROLLS.
Take the most supercilious fool in the nation, and let him be in confidence in proportion to his ignorance.
Take a Captain in theNavy, as being best acquainted with theArmy; he should have been a few yearsat sea, in order to qualify him for the direction of workson shore; and let him be one who will sacrifice his connections with as much ease as he would renounce his profession.
Take a man, with or without parts, of an ancient or a new family, with one or with two Boroughs at his command, previous to a dissolution. Let him renounce all former professions and obligations, and engage to bring in your friends, and to support you himself. Or, take the Country Gentleman who the least expects it; and particularly let the honour be conferred when he has done nothing to deserve it.
Take a tall, ill-looking man, with more vanity, and less reason for it, than any person in Europe. He should be one who does not possess a single consolatory private virtue, under a general public detestation. His pride and avarice should increase with his prosperity, while they lead him to neglect and despise the natural claims of indigence in his own family. If such a man can be found, he will easily be made the instigator, as well as the instrument, of a cabal, which has the courage to do mischief, and the cowardice of not being responsible for it; convinced that he can never obtain any other importance, than that to be derived from the execution of purposes evidently pursued for the establishment of tyranny upon the wreck of public ruin.
[1] “What care I for the King’s Birth-day!”
To admit Mr. WILBERFORCE, although Mr. PITT should be even engaged with the SOUTHWARK agents, fabricating means to defeat Sir RICHARD HOTHAM.—WILBE must havetwobows.—ATKINSON to be shewn into the anti-chamber—he will find amusement in reading LAZARRELLO DE TORMEZ, or thecomplete Rogue.—If Lord APSLEY and Mr. PERCIVAL come from the Admiralty, they may be ushered into the room where the largelooking-glassesare fixed—in that case they will not regret waiting—Don’t let LORD MAHON be detained an instant at the door, the pregnant young lady opposite having been sufficiently frightened already!!!—JACK ROBINSON to be shewn into the study, as the private papers were all removed this morning—Let Lord LONSDALE havemy Lord, andyour Lordship, repeated to his ear as often as possible—the apartment hung withgarter-blueis proper for his reception!—The other new Peers to be greeted only plainSir!that they may remember their lateignobility, and feel new gratitude to thebenefactor of honours!—You may, as if upon recollection, address some of the last list,My Lord!—and ask their names—it will be pleasing to them to sound out their own titles.—Lord ELIOT is to be an exception, as he will tediously go through every degree of his dignity in giving an answer.—All letters from BERKELEY-SQUARE to be brought in without mentioning Lord SHELBURNE’s name, or even Mr. ROSE’s.—The Treasury Messenger to carry thered box, as usual, to CHARLES JENKINSON before it is sent to Buckingham-House.—Don’t blunder a second time, and question Lord MOUNTMORRES as to the life of ahackney chairman- it is wrong to judge by appearances!—Lord GRAHAM may be admitted to the library - he can’t read, and therefore won’t derange the books.
At BROOKES’s once, it so fell out,The box was push’d with glee about;With mirth reciprocal inflam’d,’Twas said they rather play’d than gam’d;A general impulse through them ran,And seem’d t’ actuate every man:But as all human pleasures tendAt some sad moment to an end,The hour at last approach’d, when lo!’Twas time tor every one to go.Now for the first time it was seen,A certain sum unown’d had been;To no man’s spot directly fixt,But plac’d—ambiguously betwixt:So doubtfully indeed it lay,That none with confidence could sayThis cash is mine—I’m certain on’t—But most declined with—“Sir, I won’t”—“I can’t in conscience urge a right,To what I am not certain quite.”—NORTHUMBRIA’S DUKE, who wish’d to putAn end to this polite dispute,Whose generous nature yearn’d to seeThe smallest seeds of enmity,Arose and said—“this cash is mine— }For being ask’d to-day to dine, }You see I’m furbelow’d and fine, }With full-made sleeves and pendant lace;Rely on’t, this was just the case,That when by chance my arm I mov’d,The money from me then I shov’d;This clearly shews how it was shifted,”Thus said, the rhino then he lifted;—“Hold, hold, my Lord,” says thoughtless HARE,Who never made his purse his care;A man who thought that money’s useWas real comfort to produce,And all the pleasures scorn’d to knowWhich from itssnugenjoyments flow;Such as still charm their gladden’d eyes,Who feel the bliss of avarice.“Hold, hold, my Lord, how is it knownThis cash is certainly your own?We each might urge as good a plea,Or WYNDHAM, CRAUFURD, SMITH, or me;But we, though less it were to blame,Disdain’d so pitiful a claim;Then here let me be arbitrator—I vote the money to the waiter,”Thus oft will generous folly think:But prudence parts not so with chink.On this occasion so it was,For gravely thus my Lord Duke says:“Consider, Sir, how large the sum,To full eight guineas it will come:Shall I, for your quaint verbal play,Consign a whole estate away?Unjust, ridiculous, absurd,I will not do it, on my word;Yet rather than let fools deride,I give myfiatto divide;So ’twixt the waiter and myself,Place equal portions of the pelf;Thus eighty shillings give to RALPH,To ALNWICK’s DUKE the other half.”HARE and the rest (unthinking croud!)At this decision laugh’d aloud:“Sneer if you like,” exclaim’d the Duke,Then to himself his portion took;And spite of all the witless rakes,The Peer and Porter part the stakes.
I. This maxim, then, ye spendthrifts know,’Tis money makes the mare to go.
II. By no wise man be this forgot;A penny sav’d’s a penny got.
III. This rule keep ever in your head;A half-loaf’s better than no bread.
IV. Though some may rail, and others laugh,In your own hand still keep the staff.
V. Forget not, Sirs, since Fortune’s fickle,Many a little makes a mickle.
VI. By gay men’s counsels be not thwarted.Fools and their money soon are parted.
VII. Save, save, ye prudent—who can knowHow soon the high may be quite low?
VIII. Of Christian virtues hear the sum,True charity begins at home.
IX. Neglect not farthings, careless elves;Shillings and pounds will guard themselves.
X. Get cash with honour if you can,But still to get it be your plan.
Donec gratus eram tibi.
K——- When heedless of your birth and name,For pow’r yon barter’d future fame,On that auspicious day,Of K—gs I reign’d supremely blest:Not HASTINGS rul’d the plunder’d EastWith more despotic sway.
P—TT. When only on my favoured headYour smiles their royal influence shed,Then was the son of CH—TH—MThe nation’s pride, the public care,P—TT and Prerogative their pray’r,While we, Sir, both laugh’d at ’em.
K——- JENKY, I own, divides my heart,Skill’d in each deep and secret artTo keep my C—MM—NS down:His views, his principles are mine;For these I’d willingly resignMy Kingdom and my Crown.
P—TT. As much as for the public weal,My anxious bosom burns with zealFor pious Parson WYV—LLFor him I’ll fret, and fume, and spout,Go ev’ry length—except go out,For that’s to me the Devil!
K——- What if, our sinking cause to save,We both our jealous strife should wave,And act our former farce on:If I to JENKY were more stern,Would you, then, generously turnYour back upon the Parson?
P—TT. Tho’ to support his patriot planI’m pledg’d asMinisterandMan,This storm I hope to weather;And since your Royal will is so,Reformsand theReformerstoo,May all be damn’d together!
Prettymaniana.
That PRETTYMAN’s so pale, so spare,No cause for wonder now affords;He lives, alas! on empty fare,Who lives byeating his own ’words!
In BAYES’s burlesque, though so strange it appear’d,That PRINCE PRETTYMAN’s self should PRINCE PRETTYMANkill;OurPrettyman FURTHER to go has not fear’d,But in DAMNING himself, he extended his skill!
Undaunted PITT, against the State to plot,Should int’rest spur, or passion urge ye;Dread not the hapless exit of LA MOTTE,Secure inBenefit of Clergy!
That against my fair fameYou devise so much blame,Cries the Priest, with a damn me, what care I?Since the gravest Divine,Tells a lie worse than mine,When he cries, “Nolo Episcopari!”
How wisely PITT, for different ends,Can marshal his obedient friends!When onlytimehe wants, not sense,MULGRAVE ventscopious impotence.If demi-falsehood must be tried,By ROSE the quibbling task’s supply’d—But for the more accomplish’d lie,Who with meek PR—TT—MAN shall vie?
VI.(PR—TT—MANloquitur.)
Although, indeed, ’tis truly said,The various principles ofTradeWe are not very glib in;Yet surely none will this deny,Few know so well as PITT, or I,To manufacturefibbing.
A horrible fib that a Priest should have told,Seems to some people’s thinking excessively odd,Yet sure there’s no maxim more certain or old,Than “The nearer the Church still the farther from God.”
Why should such malice at the Parson fly?For though hespoke, he scorn’d to write, a lye.
While the Wits and the Fools Parson PRETTY belabour,With—“Thou shalt not false witness; set up ’gainst thy neighbour,”The text and the fact (cries the Priest) disagree.For in Downing-streetI, in Great George-street livesHe.
What shall reward bold PRETTY’s well-tim’d sense, }For turning new an IRISHEvidence? }An IRISHBishoprick’s the recompence! }
What varied fates the same offence assail!PRETTY, install’d—and ATKINSON, in jail.Both scorn alike the laws that truth maintains;Yet one, a Prebend, one, a Prison gains.This mounts astall, thepillorythat ascends;For public, one, and one for private ends.The first gets ample scopeourears to pain;The other scarcely canhis ownretain:Just Heav’n, reverse the doom!—To punish each,To ATKINSON alone, let PRETTY preach!
How happy, alas! had it been for poor PITT,If WYVILL, like PRETTYMAN, never had writ!
———Scelera ipsa nefasqueHâc mercede placent————
Cries PRETTYMAN, “Consider, Sir,My sacred cloth, and character.”The indignant Minister replied,“This ne’er had been, had ORDE ne’er lyed.”The patient Priest at last relented;Andall his Master wish’d, invented;Then added, with a saint-like whine,“But the next Mitremustbe mine!”
Fortongueor foreye,Who with PRETTY can vie?Sure such organs must save him much trouble;For of labour not loth,Tis the way with them both,Their functions to execute——double!
The days of miracle, ’twas thought, were past;(Strange from what cause so wild an error sprung)But now convinc’d, the world allows at last,PRETTY’s still favour’d with a—cloven tongue!
Faith in the Church, all grave Divines contend,Is the chief hold whence future hopes depend.How hard then BRITAIN’s lot!—for who hathfaithTo credithalfwhat Doctor PRETTY saith?
(By SIR CECIL WRAY.)
Oh! if I had thought that PRETTY could lye,I’d a hired him, I would, for my Scrutiny!My poor Scrutiny!—MydearScrutiny!My heart it down sinks—I wish I could die!
(By SIR JOSEPH MAWBEY.)
Lord BACON hang’d poor HOGG,For murd’ring, without pity, man;And so should PITT, by Gog,That kill-truth, Doctor PRETTYMAN—For say I will, spite of hip wig,He’s far below thelearned Pig!
(By THE SAME.)
Says WRAY to me, which is most witty,The learned Pig, or Parson PRETTY?Says I, I thinks, the latter is more wiser;PIGGY tells truth alone;—but PRETTY lyes, Sir.
(NOT by THE SAME.)
Three Parsons for three different patrons writ,For ROCKINGHAM, for PORTLAND, and for PITTThe first, inspeakingtruth alone surpass’d;The next couldwriteit too—not so the last.—The pride of Churchmen to be beat was loth—So PRETTYMAN’s the opposite to both!
How much must IRELAND, PITT and PRETTY prize!Who swear, at all events, toequal—lyes.
———In vino Veritas———
PRETTY, the other night, was tripping caught—Forgive him, PITT; he’ll not repeat the fault—The best may err—misled by wine and youth—His Rev’rence drank too hard; and told—the truth!Ev’n thou, should generous wine o’ercome thy sense,May’st rashly stumble on the same offence.
There are who think all State affairsThe worst of wicked worldly cares,To mingle with the priestly leaven;Yet sure the argument’s uncouth——PRETTY shalldoublyspread the truth,A Minister of Earth and Heaven.
While modern Statesmen glean, from priestly tribes,Rev’rendCommis, and sanctimonious scribes;’Tis love oftruth—yet vain the hope, alas!To make thisHoly WritforGospelpass.
Above the pride of worldly fame or show,A virtuous Priest should upwards turn his eyes——Thus PRETT contemns allcharacterbelow,And thinks of nothing but the way torise.
’Gainst PRETTY’s unholiness vain ’tis to rail;With a courtly Divine that’s of little avail;What Parson polite, would not virtue offend,And maintain agreatfalsehood, to save agreatfriend?
If St. PETER was made,Of Religion the head,For boldly his master denying;Sure, PRETTY may hopeAt least to be Pope,For his greater atchievements in lying.
Says PRETTYMAN, “I’ll fib, d’ye see,If you’ll reward me freely.”“Lye on (cries PITT) and claim of meThe Bishoprick of E—LYE.”
’Tis said theendmay sanctify themeans,And pious frauds denote a special grace;Thus PRETTY’s lye his master nobly screens—Himself, good man! but seeks abetter place.
“Sons of PATRICK! (cries ORDE) set up shop in your bog,And you’ll ruin the trade of JOHN BULL and NICK FROG.”“That’s a lye (replies PITT) we shall gain by their riches;If we wear IRISHshirts, they must wear ENGLISHbreeches”“You both lye (exclaims PRETTY) but I will lye too;And, compar’d with my lye, what you say will seem true!”
For pert malignity observ’d alone,In all things else unnotic’d, and unknown;Obscurely odious, PRETTY pass’d his days,Till more inventive talents won our lays.“Now write, he cries, an Epigram’s my pride:Who wou’d have known me, if I ne’er had ly’d?”
With pious whine, and hypocritic snivel,Our fathers said, “Tell truth, andshame the Devil!”A nobler way bold PR——TT——N is trying,He seeks toshamethe Devil—by outlying,
XXXIII.(In answer to a former.)
Nocloven tonguethe Doctor boasts from heav’n,Such gifts but little wou’d the Doctor boot;For preachingTruththecloven tongueswere giv’n,His lyes demonstrate more thecloven foot.
Maxims, says PRETT, and adages of old,Were circumscrib’d, though clever;Thus Truth they taught,not alwaysshould be told;But I maintain,not ever.
In the drama of CONGREVE, how charm’d do we readOfSpintexttheParson, andMaskwelltheCheat,But in life would you study them closer, indeed,For equal originals—seeDowning-street.
PITT and PRETTY came from CollegeTo serve themselves, and serve the state;And the world must all acknowledgeHalf is done—so half may wait:For PRETTY says, ’tis rather new,When evenhalfthey say—istrue.
XXXVII.The Devil’s a dealer in lyes, and we seeThat two of a trade never yet could agree;Then DOCTOR proceed, and d—m———n despise,What Devil would take such a rival in lyes.
The Devil and PRETTY a treaty have made,On a permanent footing to settle their trade;’Tis the Commerce of Lying,—and this is the law;The Devilimportshim all lyes that are raw_;_Which, check’d by nodocket, unclogg’d with a fee,ThePriestmanufactures, and vendsduty free;Except where the lye gives his conscience such trouble,Theinternalexpence should have recompence double.Thus to navigate falsehood no bar they’ll devise;But Hell must become the EMPORIUM of Lyes.Nay, the Bishops themselves, when in pulpit they bark it,Must supply their consumption, from Satan’sown market,Whilereciprocal tributeis paid for the wholeIn a surplusaged—mn—gof P—TTY—’s soul.
I.By theChevalier de BOUFFLERS.
“PRETTIMAN est menteur, il s’est moqué de nous”“(Se crient en courroux tous les sots d’Angleterre)”Calmez vous donc, Messieurs—eh! comment savez vousSi c’est bien un mensonge, ou si c’est un mystère?
II.ByProfessor HEYNE,of theUNIVERSITYofGOTTINGEN.
In DominumPITTUMDoctoremquePRETTYMANNUM,Figulusloquitur—Scena, Vicus, vulgo dictusDowning.Vivitur hic, cives, pacto quo denique? RhetorEcce loqui refugit; scribere scriba negat.
Falsiloquusne Puer magis, an fallacior illeScriba? Puer fallax, scribaque falsiloquus.
IV.ByCOMTE CASIMIR,a descendant of the famousCASIMIR,the great Latin Poet ofPOLAND.
BELLUS HOMO atquepiusvis idem dicier—At tuMendax, unde Pius? Bellus es unde, Strabo?
V.ByFATHER MOONY,Parish Priest ofKILGOBBIN.
A Mick na braaga Streepy poga ma ThoneNa vuishama da Ghob, Oghone! Oghone!
VI. [1]ByEUGENIUS,Archbishop ofSLAVENSKandKHERSON,in Russia, and Author of a Translation ofVIRGIL’S GEORGICSintoGreek Hexameters.
Ψευδων ουχ ιερευς αισχυνεται. Ειϑε σ’ αληϑως,Ω ψευδων ιερευ, και ψευδιερηα λεγοιμι.
Falsa-dicens Sacerdos non erubescit. Utinam te verèO falsa-dicens Sacerdos, et falsò-te-sacerdotem-dicentem appellarem.
Ψευδων ουτος ολως ου παυσεται. Ην δε γενωμαιΤειουδ’ αυτοσ εγων ποτ’ επισκοπος, ου μεν εασω,Ο ψευδων δ’ ιερευς και ψευδιερευς ταχ’ αν ειη.
Falsa dicere ille omnino non desinet. Si vero fieremTalis vlri ipse ego quandoque Episcopus, non equidem sineremFalsa-dicens autem sacerdos et qui-se-falso-sacerdotem diceret citoforet.
VIII.ByMons. VILLOISON,the celebrated Grecian and French Editor ofLONGINUS, &c. &c.
Ad amicum quendam qui DOCTOREM PRETTIMANNUMsacerdotemappellaret.
α. Ψευδειν ουχ ΙΕΡΟΝ. τι δε τον ψευδονϑ’ ΙΕΡΗΑΧρη στε καελιν; β. ΙΕΡΕΥΣ κ’ ουχ ΙΕΡΟΣ λεγεται.
a. Mentiri nonsacrum. Quid verò mentientemsacerdotemOportet te vocare? b.Sacerdos& nonsacerdicitur.
IX.MADRIGALE—BySIGNOR CAPONINIofROME.
In quel bel dì, ch’il DIO del VERO nacque,Per tutto il mondo tacqueOgni Oracol mendace in ogni fano.Cosi va detto, ma si e detto in vano.Ecco, in quest’ isola remota, anch’oraL’Oracola s’adoraD’un giovinetto Febo, che a le gentiPer un suo sacerdote manda fnoraQuel, ch’ei risponde a lusingar lor menti;In guisa, che puo far chiamar veraceL’Oracolo de’ Grechi più mendace.
X.ByDr. CORTICELLIofBOLOGNA.
Io non ho mai veduto un sì bel PRETTIMANNO,Con un sì gran Perrucho, e d’ occhi sìsquintanno.
XI.In the language ofOTAHEITE.—By M. deBOUGAINVILLE. (With an interlined Translation, according to Capt.COOK’s GLOSSARY.)
[2]Prettymanto call liar interjectionPeetimai, tooo too, ooo, taata, Allaheueeai!
Insincere man to cuff liar nastyPrettymanHamaneeno, eparoo, taata, erepo,Peetimai.
XII.In the language ofTERRA INCOCNITA (viz. AUSTRALIS),by the noted Mr.BRUCE.
[A translation is requested by the earliest discoverer, the original being left at the publisher’s for his inspection by the author, who has most kindly communicated the following representation of the genuine words, adapted to the ENGLISH type.—May we not presume to suggest the infinite service Mr. M‘PHERSON would render to his country, were he generously to embark in the first outward-bound ship for TERRA AUSTRALIS—No man in EUROPE being so well qualified for the useful station of universal linguist and decypherer to the savages—“I decus, I nostrum.”]
We must apologize to several of our more erudite correspondents, for suspending some short time the publication of their most curious epigrams on the Doctor. We have not the least objection to the extra expence necessarily incurred on the present occasion, by the purchase of a variety of antique types. Nay, we have actually contracted with the celebrated CASLON, for the casting of a proper quantity of the COPTIC and RUNIC characters, in order to the due representation of the PRETTYMANIANA, communicated by Professor WHITE, and Mons. MAILLET. As it might be some time, however, before Mr. CASLON, even with the assistance of Mess. FRY and Son’s foundery, can furnish us with the PERSIC, SYRIAC, and CHACHTAW types, we cannot promise the Doctor the insertion of the GENTOO REBUS, or the NEW ZEALAND ACROSTIC in the present edition.
[1] We cannot withhold from the good Bishop our particular thanks for his excellent Haxameters, which breathe indeed the spirit both of piety and poetry. We have taken the liberty of subjoining a literal translation, in Latin Prose, to the Epigrams of EUGENIUS, as well as to the distich of Mons. VILLOISON, for the accommodation of the young Students at our Universities.
[2] PEETIMAI is wonderfully near the original PRETTYMAN, considering that, after every effort, the inhabitants of OTAHEITE could not approximate to the name of BANKS nearer than OPANO—nor of COOK, than TOOTE.
Missing from the genealogies of the new Peers—three FATHERS—fiveMOTHERS—nine GRANDFATHERS—fourteen GRANDMOTHERS—twentyGREAT-GRANDFATHERS—and nearly twice the number of GREAT-GRANDMOTHERS—alsosome COMPLETE GENERATIONS OF ANCESTORS.
If any person can give notice at the HERALD’s OFFICE of any Fathers,Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Great-grandfathers, andGreat-grandmothers, worth owning, of the names of C———, D———,H———, L———, P———, E———, &c. &c. &c. so as that the saidFathers, Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Great-grandfathers, andGreat-grandmothers, may be taken and restored to the advertisers, theperson so informing, for every such notice, shall receive ONE GUINEAreward, and no questions shall be asked.
And if any person will undertake to find ANCESTORS BY THE GENERATION, for every regular descent of not less thanthree, and not more thanfive, he shall receive TWO GUINEAS each ancestor; and for every regular descent of not less thansix, and not more thanten, he shall receive FIVE GUINEAS each ancestor, and so in proportion for any greater number.
A HANDSOME COMPLIMENT will also be given, in addition to the rewards above proposed, for ANCESTORS who distinguished themselves under JAMES II. CHARLES II. and CHARLES I. in the cause of PREROGATIVE. Likewise an extraordinary price will be paid for the discovery of any ANCESTOR of REMOTE ANTIQUITY and HIGH FAMILY; such as the immortal DUKE ROLLO, companion of WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR, and founder of the present illustrious family of ROLLE.
N.B. No greater reward will be offered, as THE HERALDS have received directions for making NEW.
——But what says my good LORD BISHOP OF LONDON to this same WESTMINSTER SCRUTINY—this daily combination of rites,sacredandprofane—ceremoniesreligiousandpoliticalunder his hallowed roof of ST. ANN’S CHURCH, SOHO? Should his Lordship be unacquainted with this curious process, let him know it is briefly this:—Atteno’clock the HIGH BAILIFF opens his inquisition in the VESTRY, for the PERDITION OF VOTES, where he never fails to be honoured with a crowded audience.—Ateleveno’clock the HIGH PRIEST mounts the rostrum in the CHURCH for the SALVATION OF SOULS, without a singlebodyto attend him; even his corpulent worship, the clerk, after the first introductory AMEN, filing off to the Vestry, to lend a hand towards reaping a quicker harvest!—The alternate vociferations from Church to Vestry, during the different SERVICES, were found to cross each other sometimes in responses so apposite, that a gentleman who writes shorthand was induced to take down part of the Church-medley-dialogue of one day, which he here transcribes for general information, on a subject of such singular importance,viz.
HIGH BAILIFF.—I cannot see thatthis here fellowis a just vote.
CURATE.—“In thy sight shall no man living be justified.”
Mr. FOX.—I despise the pitiful machinations of my opponents, knowingthe just cause of my electors must in the end prevail.
CURATE.—“And with thy favourable kindness shalt thou defend him aswith a shield.”
WITNESS.—He swore d—n him if he did not give Fox a plumper!
CLERK—“Good Lord! deliver us.”
Mr. MORGAN.—I stand here as Counsel for Sir CECIL WRAY.
CURATE.—“A general pestilence visited the land, serpents andFROGSdefiled the holy temple.”
Mr. PHILLIPS.—Mr. HIGH BAILIFF, the audacity of that fellow opposite to me would almost justify my chastising him in this sacred place; but I will content myself with rolling his heavy head in the neighbouring kennel.
CURATE.—“Give peace in our time, O Lord!”
Sir CECIL WRAY.—I rise only to say thus much, that is, concerning myself—though as for the matter of myself, I don’t care, Mr. HIGH BAILIFF, much about it—
Mr. FOX.—Hear! hear! hear!
CURATE.—“If thou shalt see the ass of him that hateth thee lying under his burthen, thou shalt surely help him.”
Sir CECIL WRAY.—I trust—I dare say—at least I hope I may ventureto think—that my Right Hon. friend—I should say enemy—fullycomprehends what I have to offer in my own defence.
CURATE.—“As for me I am a worm, and no man; a very scorn of men,and the outcast of the people!—fearfulness and trembling are comeupon me, and an horrible dread overwhelmed me!!!”
HIGH BAILIFF.—As thatfellow theresays he did not vote for Fox,who did he poll for?
CURATE.—“BARRABAS!—now Barrabas was a robber.”
HIGH BAILIFF.—This here case is, as I may say, rathermoremuddier than I could wish.
DEPUTY GROJAN.—Ce n’est pas clair—Itink, Sir, with you.
CURATE.—“Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, O Lord!”
Mr. FOX.—Having thus recapitulated all the points of so contradictory an evidence, I leave you, Mr. High Bailiff, to decide upon its merits.
CURATE.—“He leadeth Counsellors away spoiled, and maketh Judges fools.”
HIGH BAILIFF.—I don’t care three brass pins points about that there—though the poorfellerdid live in a shed; yet as he says he once boiled a sheep’s head under his own roof, which I calls hiscasthillum—argyle, I declares him a goodwote!
CLERK.—“Oh Lord! incline our hearts to keep this law.”
BAR-KEEPER.—Make way for the parish-officers, and the othergemmenof theWestry.
CURATE.—“I said my house should be called a house of prayer, but ye have made it a den of thieves!”
Mr. ELCOCK.—Mr. High Bailey!Sir, them thereFoxitespeople aresniggeringandtitteringon the other side of the table; and from what I can guess I am sure it can be at nobody but you or me.
CURATE.—“Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of a man!”
Sir CECIL WRAY.—I am sure this same SCRUTINY proves sufficiently burthensome to me.
CURATE.—“Saddle me an ass, and they saddled him.”
HIGH BAILIFF.—Mr. HARGRAVE here, my counsel, says—it is my opinion that thiswoteis legally substantiated according to law.
CURATE.—“SoMORDECAIdid, according to all thatJEHOSAPHATcommanded him!”
Mr. PHILLIPS.—And now, friend MORGAN, having gone through my list of thirty votes, and struck off twenty-six bad, from that number, I will leave you to make your own comment thereon.
CURATE.—“And lo! when they arose in the morning, they were all dead corpses!”
HIGH BAILIFF.—But for God’s sake, good Sir, in that case, what will the people justly say ofme?
CURATE.—“Let a gallows be erected fifty cubits high, and to-morrow speak unto the King, thatMORDECAImay be hanged thereon!”