SCENE.—Almack’s brilliantly illuminated—Duchess of Diamonds, Countess Conversatione, Princess Pulmante, Lady Eastend, Baron Rufus, Sir Tilbury Unit, and Company discovered.
EnterKATE, SUE, JANE,andTRIFLE.
Sue.I do not see them yet.
Kate.I can depend upon Corinthian; and I think you may upon your lover. In the meantime, let us have a minuet to dissipate ourennui.
EnterGREEN,in ball dress.
Green.Aye, aye, a minivit to dissipate ourong vee, by all means.
Sue.As I live, Trifle, here is that Mr. Green, to whom you introduced us.
Trifle.Aye, aye, from the City. We find these City folks—these Greens—excessively useful in money matters,pan hanour. How are you my dear fa-el-low.
Sue.Your servant, Mr. Green.
Green.Ladies, your mostdewoted. Mr. Trifle, your humble—Oh, this is the master of the ceremonies, and those are the two that’s to dance the gavotte. Yes, that’s Willis—permitty moy. (Takes Kate and Sue’s arms).
Kate.Eh, bless me, Mr. Green, what is the matter? Why, you seem quite out of spirits; I hope nothing has happened to Mrs. Green or any of the little Greens.
Green.Oh, no, nothing; but you labour under a mistake quite entirely; there is no Mrs. Green—I am not an ’appy man yet! There are no little Greens, neither—no young sprouts, I assure you. No, I’m out of spirits because I have been dished and doodled out of forty pounds to-day; I have been taken in by the purchase of an ’orse at Tattersall’s—It was a very fine looking hanimal but before I got him home, the cursed creature went upon three legs—Dragg’d the other behind him, like a pendulum.
Kate.My dear Mr. Green, will you join in a dance?
Green.Oh, dear no—I couldn’t think of such a thing—I never danced but once, and then I was so excruciated with termidity that I tipped up my partner, lost one of my shoes, and diskivered an ole in my stocking.
Kate.Oh, horrid, how could you support the shock? But here is a lady who is absolutely pining for the honour of your hand.
Green.Vell, if she’ll instruct me when I’m out, I don’t mind making one in a quod-reel.
Sue.That’s well said—hey, here they are, now, my dear Trifle.
EnterTOM, JERRY,andLOGIC,full dressed.
Tom.At length, my dear Jerry, we are at Almack’s, though egad I began to think we should be too late.
Jerry.This indeed is a splendid view of Life in London.
Tom.It is; the tip-top! set off to the best advantage, by the best dresses, finished by the best behaviour. (Trifle quizzes through glass up stage).
Log.Yes, witness that puppy, staring us out of countenance with his quizzing glass yonder—why don’t he wear green specs, as I do, if his ogles are queer.
Tom.LETHE! LETHE! my dear Bob—you forget where you are.
Jerry.The half-and-half coves are somewhat different from the swaddies, and gay tykeboys, at the dog pit—Eh, Tom?
Tom.Lethe! Lethe; my dear Jerry—mum!
Trifle.My dear fa-el-low, you really must excuse my interrupting you—butwhat can you possibly have been preaching to your friend from the country so long—here are three lovely girls waiting to be introduced to you—relations of mine, the Honourable Miss Trifles—we must make up a quadrille.
Tom.Three girls, Jerry!—Do you hear that?
Jerry.I’m up——
Trifle.I’m not equal to the fatigue of an introduction myself,—but my friend Green from the City here, will oblige me by taking the trouble off my hands.
Green.Vith the greatest of pleasure—the Honourable Miss Trifle—Mr. Corinthian.—The Honourable Miss S. Trifle.—Mr. Hawthorn.—the Honourable Miss J. Trifle—Doctor Logic.
Ceremony of introduction takes place.
Jerry.What divinities! but I say, Tom, this girl is as like my Sue, as—yet it can’t be.
Tom.And this one is as like my Kate as one pea is like another—I could have betted every rap—six quid to four——
Jerry.Lethe, Tom,—Lethe,—L-E-T-H-E. (Spelling it).
Tom.The retort courteous—I own it.
Green.Excuse my hinterfering, my dear fellows, but ve’re just going to make up a quod-reel, and vant you to join us.
Tom.Ah! ah! a quadrille by all means—you’ll dance, Jerry?
Jerry.I know nothing about quadrilles, Tom—but the deuce is in it if I can’t cut as good a figure asthis Mister JemmyGreen, so I don’t care if I do kick up my heels a bit.
Green.Aye, a dance, a dance.
After dance,Jerryadvances withSue.
Jerry.Sweet girl! may I be permitted to hope that the partnership of this evening may lead to one for life?
Sue.Ah! Sir, a dance affords you gallant gentlemen worlds of latitude for flattery and deceit.
Jerry.Nay, I am sincere, by heaven!
Sue.Come, Sir, they are about to waltz, and if you wouldn’t have my head as giddy as you seem to think my heart is, you will conduct me to a seat.
Jerry.With rapture! This is, indeed,Life in London.
SCENE.—Tom Cribb’s parlour.—Swell coves, Millers, &c., drinking and blowing their clouds; Tom, Jerry, Green, and Logic among them.—Cribb in the chair.—Chorus (Omnes).
Air.—“Oh, who has not heard of a Jolly Young Waterman.”
Oh, who has not heard of our gallant black diamond,Who once down at Hungerford us’d for to ply?His mawleys he us’d with such skill and dexterity,Winning each mill, and making each miller fly!He fibb’d so neat—he stopped so steadily;He hit so straight—he floored so readily.In every game ’twastheCribb won it fair;He’s Champion of England, and now fills the chair.
Cribb.Thank’ye, gentleman, thank’ye—but as I see by our sporting oracle, “The Dispatch,” there’s a mill on foot—I’ll give you, “May the best man win.”
(All drink). May the best man win.
Green.May the best man vin.
Log.With all my heart; but, zounds! we’ve almost buzz’d the bowl. Let’s have another, and dy’e hear, Tom, serve it up in your prize cup; Jerry hasn’t seen it, and we mustn’t omit that.
Cribb.With all my heart, Doctor; but you must stand a bottle to see the cup.
Log.Yes, yes, I’ll stand a bottle to christen the cup.
Jerry.Aye, aye; I’ll stand a bottle, Tom.
Tom.Ditto for me.
Green.Yes, and I’ll stand a bottle of ditto, too.
Jerry.This may, indeed, be called the very Temple of the Fancy.
Log.Yes, and here are some of the finest fancy sketches in the kingdom.
Tom.Well, Jerry, after our last night’s divertisement at Almack’s, the set-to I gave you this morning at the great Commissary-General Jackson’s rooms cannot be better followed up than by a turn in the sporting parlour of honest Tom Cribb.
Cribb.Thank’ye, Mr. Corinthian; I’ll always do my best to satisfy you in any way.
Tom.There is one way, Tom, in which you would very soon satisfy us.
Jerry.Yes, and I’m thinking not a little to our dis-satisfaction. I am of opinion that every gentleman should practice the art of self defence, if it were only to protect him from the insults of vulgar ignorance; though I by no means set myself up as a champion for boxing.
Log.No, for if you did we’ve a champion here who would set you down. We’ll drink his health, and may he ever prove as successful as when he floor’d the Black Miller at Thistleton Gap. (All drink).
Tom.Tom, your health. (Cribb rises). Silence for Tom’s speech—doff your castor, Tom—that’s the time of day.
Cribb.Gentlemen, my humble duty to you. Here’s all your healths, and your families. Bless your soul, I can claim no merit for what I’ve done; fighting came naturally like, and thinking others might be as fond of it as myself, why, I always gave them a bellyfull.
Tom.Bravo, Tom, an excellent speech—Cicero never spoke better.
Log.No, nor anything like it.
Tom.Oh, here comes the cup. Look out, Jerry.
Cribb’s Parlour.[32]
EnterWAITER,with the Champion’s Cup.
Come, Tom—I pledge you. (Cribb drinks; the Cup is passed).
Jerry.Well, this is the pleasantest way of cupping a man I ever heard of—but come, Bob, give us a song.
Log.With all my heart, only let me sluice my whistle first.
SONG.—Logic.Air.—“Such a beauty I did grow.”Oh, when I was a little boy,Some thirty years ago;I prov’d such an anointed one,They made me quite a show.Chorus.—Such a knowing one I did grow.At tea I stole the sugar,And I slyly pinched the girls;I roasted mammy’s parrot,Shod the cat in walnut shells.Such a knowing, &c.At school I play’d the truant,And would robbing orchards go;I burned my master’s cane and rod,And tore the fools’-cap, too.Such a knowing, &c.As I learnt nought but mischief there,To College I was sent,Where I learn’d to game and swear,On fun and frolic bent.Such a knowing, &c.In town I mill’d the Charlies,Aim’d at all within the ring;Became one of the fancy,And was up to everything.Such a knowing, &c.
Jerry.Bravo!—but, zounds! Tom, Tom! what are you musing so profoundedly about?
Tom.I was thinking about the women, Jerry; those enchanting girls we danced with a Almack’s—could they be the incognitas that challenged us thither? There is some secret charm about those girls that hasn’t allowed me to rest all night.
Jerry.Well, and do you know, Tom, to tell you the truth, I haven’t been a whit better than yourself. But, I say, only see how confoundedly the dustman’s getting hold of Logic,—we’ll funk him. (Tom and Jerry smoke Logic).
Log.Oh, hang your cigars, I don’t like it; let’s have no funking.
Tom.Well, come, come, rouse up; don’t be crusty, Bob—let’s start on some spree; no doubt we shall spring a lark somewhere. (Rattles heard).
There’s one! go it, Jerry!—Come, Green.
Log.Aye, come, Jerry, there’s the Charlies’ fiddles going.
Jerry.Charlie’s fiddles!—I’m not fly, Doctor.
Log.Rattles, Jerry, rattles! you’re fly now, I see. Come along, Tom! Go it, Jerry!Exit.
Night Scene.—Tom and Jerry upsetting the Charlies.
SCENE.—The City side of Temple Bar, by Moonlight. Watchbox—Watchmen crying the hour at different parts of the stage.
Enter drunkenBUCK.
Buck.Steady! steady!—now where shall I go?—I think I’ll go strait home. (Reels). No, I won’t! I’ll go where I think proper—I’ll go out again—I’ll go—where I like.
(Exit.)
EnterGAS-LIGHT MAN,who lights the Lamp.
(Exit)
The City Watchman.
EnterO’BOOZLE.—CHAUNT.
Re-enterBUCK.
Buck.Past two did you say, Watchey? didn’t think it had been half so late—I think it’s time for me to go home to bed.
O’Booz.Why, yes, I thinks as how it is, Sir—you’ve been taking a little too much refreshment—steady! steady! hold up, Sir,
(Pretends to assist him, and picks his pocket of his handkerchief).
Buck.Good night, old Clockey. (Reels off).
O’Booz.Good night, Sir—take care nobody robs your honour. Why, the gentleman’s left his vipe behind him, and I musn’t go off my beat to give it him: how unfortinate—I’ll call him back! Sir, Sir. (Whispers). Bless my soul how wery deaf that ere gentlemen is!—well I must take care of it for him till he calls again!—I don’t know what would become of these here young chaps if it wasn’t for such old coveys as we are—Oh, here comes that cursed Gas!
Re-enterGAS.
Gas.Well, Watchey, and what have you to say about the gas? Eh?
O’Booz.Why, that you have been the ruin of our calling—that’s all!
Gas.Pooh! pooh! nonsense! I only throw a light upon the abuses of it. (Pushes by O’Boozle).
O’Booz.Hollo! you had better mind what you are at with your Jacob, or I shall just— (Sounds rattle).
Gas.Come, come, silence your coffee-mill.
O’Booz.What I’ve got to say is this—yes, the matter of the business is this here:—Since you sprung up, my beat a’nt worth having—I havn’t had a broken head for these ten days past, and there’s no such thing as picking up a couple of sweethearts now—why there isn’t a dark corner in the whole parish.
Gas.No more there should be. Folks have been kept a little too long in the dark.
O’Booz.Have they.
Gas.But good night, for I suppose as how you won’t stand a drop o’ nothin’, old Bacon-face?
O’Booz.No, I suppose I von’t stand a drop of nothing! young Calf’s-head? (Exit Gas singing, “I’m saucy Jack” &c).
O’Booz.I think I’ve given him his change. Well I don’t see the use of kicking my heels about here,—people’s clocks can tell them the time, just as well as I can, I’m sure! and a great deal better, if they knew all! so I shall go into my box, after I’ve called the half-hour, and have a regular snooze. It looks damned cloudy too.
CHAUNT.
(Goes into box and falls asleep).
Tom, Jerry, and Logic in a Row.
EnterKATEandSUEdisguised as two young bucks.
Kate.Well, here we are, just before them—and now to cure them of their love and rambling it must be our plan to involve them in all the scrapes we can, we shall never have a better opportunity.
Sue.No, ’tis now the very witching hour of night, as Shakspere says.
SONG.—Kate.Air.—“Ackee oh! Ackee oh!”When the moon o’er Temple BarGlimmers slow, and gaslights glow;And locked in sleep, grave big wigs areSnoring sound asleep.We for pleasure gaily run,Full of frolic, full of fun;Whisking oh! frisking oh!To pick up a beau.
Sue.Stand aside, my dear Kate, I see occasion for our being active here! If I may trust my eyes, yonder comes a lovely girl—I must have some sport with her.
EnterMRS. TARTAR.
Mrs. T.There, I’ve shut up the shop, and as it’s Mr. Tartar’s turn to sit as constable of the night, I’ll just take him the street-door key, and then he can let himself in when he pleases—I hope the dear man won’t be long.
Kate.Never mind, ma’am, if he should be—anything in my power——
Mrs. T.Keep your distance, sir—I’ll call the watch.
Sue.Nay, but my dear madam, when beauty like yours is neglected, it is the duty of every man. (Kisses her).
Mrs. T.Don’t take liberties, sir.
Kate.I wouldn’t take liberties for the world. (Kisses her).
Mrs. T.Eh, I shall be ruin’d, I’ll call out—here, watch! watch! (Rattles heard).
EnterTOM, JERRY,andLOGIC,with Umbrella.
Jerry.Ay, ay, ay, put down the rain napper, Doctor, the shower is over now. What’s the matter?
Mrs. T.I’m in the greatest distress imaginable.
Tom.Holloa, what’s the row?—a woman in distress! Where’s the man would refuse his assistance?
Kate.Who are you, sir?
Sue.Yes, who are you, sir?
Tom.What, show fight! I’m your man; (To Kate).
Jerry.And I’m your man, my little one. (To Sue).
Log.(To Mrs. T.) And I’m your man, ma’am.
Mrs. T.Watch! watch! (Rattles are heard).
EnterTEDDY M’LUSH,an Irish Watchman.
M’L.Ulloa, here! What the devil have you got a fire?
Tom.What do you ask for your beaver, Charley?
Mrs. T.Why, my goodness, watchman, you are quite drunk.
M’L.Eh, drunk are you,—then I’ll take care of you.
Mrs. T.But I want to give charge of these two gentlemen, who have behaved in the most extravagant manner—almost kissed me to death.
M’L.Oh, you want to charge these gentlemen in an extravagant manner, for almost kissing them to death, do you?—but I’ll soon put a stop to it.
Kate.That’s right, watchman.
Tom.Zounds! fellows, do you think we’re to be bullied in this fashion?
M’L.Oh, you’re bullies dressed in the fashion, are you?—I’ll soon take charge of ye. (Springs rattle—it is answered without,R.andL).
Tom.A surprise! I’ll make sure of this fellow, at all events. Now, Jerry, I’ll show you how to box a Charley.
Log.Stop, my boys, secure your tattlers. (They put up their watches).
Tom.Now, go it, Jerry,—can you play at cricket?
Jerry.Yes, Tom.
Tom.Then catch—here’s the gentleman’s toothpicker, and here’s his glim. (Throw stick and lanthorn to Jerry).
Tom upsets O’Boozle’s box.—enter Watchmen.—General row—Rattles—Logic fights M’Lush.—Kate, Mrs. Turtar and Sue, run off.—Green enters with a bloody nose and two watchmen; he runs off.—Jerry fights with three watchmen.—Tom fights with three watchmen, floors them.
CHORUS. (Omnes).Air.—From the Spectacle of “Don Juan.”Watch! watch! watch! Lord how they’re bawling!Catch! catch! catch! That’s if you can.Scratch! scratch! scratch! Pulling and hauling—Wretch! wretch! wretch! You are the man.Patch! patch! patch! Lots of heads breaking!Fetch! fetch! fetch! The constable, John.Match! match! match! Match them for raking.Watch! watch! watch! My watch is gone.
Mill renewed.—The Women get away as before.—Tom and Jerry perform prodigies of valour, but are at length overpowered by numbers, and borne off.—Green enters alarmed, flies on all sides for safety, but is at length caught up by a watchman in his arms, and carried off.—Scene closes on two watchmen cuffing one another by mistake.
Tom and Jerry in Trouble after a Spree.
SCENE.—Interior of St. Dunstan’s Watch-house.—Mr. Tartar, Constable of the Night, discovered at table; pen, ink, &c.—Watchman in attendance. Noise heard without.—Cries of “Charge! charge!”
Mr. T.Holloa! a charge! I must get into my big chair, pull off my night-cap, cock my wig, and look official. (Watchman opens the door, and is knocked down by rush).
EnterTOM, JERRY, LOGIC, WATCHMEN, KATE, JANE, SUE, MRS. TARTAR, O’BOOZLE,andM’LUSH,very uproariously. MRS. TARTARmakes signs toMR. TARTAR.
Omnes.Mr. Constable! Mr. Constable—Please your worship, this man!—this woman!
Mr. T.Silence! silence!—Eh, the devil! Sally Tartar, my wife!—and winking at me not to take any notice.
Omnes.Please your worship—I—I——
Mr. T.Silence! silence! Watchman, do you speak first.
Mrs. T.(aside to Tom). Be quiet—I’ll soon turn the tables.
M’L.Plaise your honour, I have brought before your worship a most notorious substitute and common street talker, who, for her foul doings, has been cooped up in the Poultry Compter, as often as there are years in a week.—I caught her charging these honest gentlemen, (pointing to Tom and Jerry) in a most impositious manner, and when I civilly axed her, how she could think of getting drunk, and acting so, she called her bullies here. (Pointing to Kate and Sue).
Kate.Zounds, fellow, you don’t mean us?
Sue.Why, you rascal, I’ll twist your neck for you.
M’L.Yes; they, your worship, who half murdered me first, and then buried poor little Teddy O’Boozle in his box, that he mightn’t prevent them murdering t’other half of me; och, they’re terrible desperadoes!
Kate.Here’s a scoundrel for you!
Mr. T.Silence! we’ll soon get to the bottom of all this.
Kate.Zounds, sirrah, we gave the charge ourselves. (To M’Lush).
M’L.Och, murder!
Kate.Those were the assailants. (Pointing to Tom, Jerry, and Logic).
Mr. T.This is a very intricate affair.
M’L.Sure, won’t I be after telling you my own story:—as I was going my rounds quietly enough, up comes these young sparks, and gave me such a maulagaran, that they knock’d me into the middle of next week—besides tipping me this here black eye—only see how red it is!
Mr. T.I’ll soon set all to rights,—first let me hear what you have to say to all this, woman: these are very serious allegations. (To Mrs. Tartar).
Tom.Aye, aye, let the woman speak.
O’Booz.Oh, the woman will speak fast enough.
Mrs. T.Hold your tongue fellow.—Please your worship, it’s all false from beginning to end—it’s he that’s drunk! nay, you may perceive he’s so drunk he cannot even give a charge—doesn’t know one person from the other, and can scarcely stand.
M’L.Plaise your honour it’s only the ague, I have it every Saturday night regularly, what I’ve said is all true, so help me Bob,—sure, she’s not a woman to put whiskey in a jug, and throw stones at it.
Mr. T.Why, you impudent vagabond you’re drunk now—instead of giving charge of her, the good lady ought to have given charge of you,—what business had you off your beat, and in such a situation?
Tom and Jerry.Aye, what business had you off your beat, old Charley?
M’L.They bate me off my beat.
Mrs. T.I give charge of him, your worship.
Mr. T.And I take it—off with him to the black hole.
Tom.Aye, aye, take him up the spout.
Mr. T.My dear wife! (Embraces Mrs. Tartar). My dear Sally Tartar.
M’L.His wife! Och, by the powers, then I’ve caught a Tartar.
Mr. T.Take him away.
M’L.Och, sure I’m the boy that cares for nobody—so there’s my coat, there’s my hat, there’s my rattle and lanthorn,—and to the devil I pitch the whole of you. (He is carried off).
Kate.They musn’t get off so easily. (Aside).
Tom.A fortunate turn-up for us, faith.
Mr. T.Gentlemen, you are at liberty.
O’Booz.Stay, your honour, I’ve got a charge. This here chap (pointing to Tom) with the Roosian head of hair—he comes up to me like a warment—
Tom.Why, you impudent—(Knocks O’Boozle down—a row ensues).
Mr. T.Silence! silence!—be quiet all of you, can’t you?
Kate.Mr. Constable, I have a charge—(to O’Boozle). Watchman, there’s a crown—what I say, swear to. (Aside).
O’Booz.I’ll swear to anything, your honour.
Log.What the devil’s in the wind now?
Kate.I charge those gentlemen with assaulting this young woman—(pointing to Jane)—the watchman saw the whole transaction.
O’Booz.I’ll swear it, your worship.
Tom.Why, zounds, fellow, I never saw the girl!
Sue.(To Jerry). Come, sir, you can’t say you never saw her.
Jerry.Why I have a recollection of seeing her somewhere, though I am at fault as to the place, at present.
Kate.It’s a clear case.
O’Booz.I’ll swear to it, your worship!
ROUND. (Omnes).Air.—“’Twas you, Sir.”’Twas you, Sir, ’twas you, Sir;Your worship, it is true, Sir,’Twas you that pull’d the girl about,’Twas you, Sir, you.Untrue, Sir, untrue, Sir,It was the man in blue, Sir,’Twas he that pulled the girl about,’Tis true, Sir, true.No, no, Sir, no, no, Sir,How can you tell lies so, Sir?I did not pull the girl about,But I know who.
Mr. T.Gentlemen, here are four witnesses against you; and ’tis my painful duty to commit you, unless you can find good bail.
Tom.We’ll give you leg bail.
Kate.Aye, find good bail, and mind that it is good. There’s our card—come, watchman—Come, Sir Jeremy.
Sue.Good-night—Sorry to leave you in such bad company—but beauty calls; we must obey.
Tom.Aye, aye, your mamma waits for you.
Log.Go and get a pennyworth of elycampane.
Jerry.There’s a pair of men-milliners—I say; go home and sleep under the counter.
(Exeunt Sue, Kate, and watchmen).
Tom and Jerry among the “Swell Broad Coves.”
SCENE.—Interior of a fashionable Hell at the West-end of the Town; a large looking-glass in the flat.
EnterGROOM PORTERandMARKERS.
G. Porter.Come, lads, bustle about; play will soon begin—some of the Pigeons are here already, the Greeks will not be long following.
EnterKATE, SUE, TRIFLE,andGREEN,the latter with a large patch on his nose.
Kate.Assist us in this, my dear Trifle, and we ask no more.—The card we left at the Watchhouse will soon bring our sparks to demand satisfaction,—you and Green must act the parts of conciliators, and propose to end the affair in a game of cards; the insight you have given Green and us into all the arcana of play, will enable us, with the aid of the servant, to fleece them to admiration; thus we may pursue our plan, and cure them of this first of vices of Life in London, gaming! and save their fortune from those who may play for a less disinterested stake.
Trifle.I’faith you ought to be very much obliged to me, girls,panhanour, for letting Green into the secret,—it cost me fiteen cool thousands, demme! but I’ll assist you.—Green, my dear fa-e-llow, take your post near the glass while they’re playing; and, by the number of fingers you hold up, we shall easily know how many honours they have, and every other particular.
Green.Vith the greatest of pleasure.—I suppose I may hold up my thumb as well as my fingers, may’nt I—because they may have five honours? you know!
Sue.Oh, certainly, Mr. Green—Ah, man, vain glorious man, how easily art thou duped?
Trifle.They come, you must mind your eye, pan hanour, Green.
Green.Oh, you shall find me quite avake—I’m glad I got avay and vas’nt taken to the vatchouse; I was forc’d to give half-a-crown though.
EnterTOM, JERRY,andLOGIC.
Tom.Where is this Sir Jeremy Brag? Oh, here you are, Sir—well met.
Trifle.Ah, my dear Tom, how are you?
Green.My dear Corinthian, how do you do? I’m glad they didn’t put you in the black ’ole.
Tom.Excuse me a moment, Green, I have an affair with this gentleman that will not admit of a moment’s delay.
Trifle.What, my friend, Brag,—honest Sir Jeremy? You musn’t hurt him, he’s a cursed good fellow.—It must be some mistake.
Green.Yes, it must be some mistake.
Kate.Entirely a mistake, I assure you—I’m extremely sorry, if that will give you any satisfaction.
Tom.Oh, if you apologize, I’m satisfied; otherwise nothing would have done, but Chalk Farm! pistols! half-past six! pooh!
Log.That’s the time of day my flower.
Green.Vell, I’m glad it’s settled without bloodshed—Chalk Farm! pistols! half-past six, and pooh!
Jerry.(to Green). Sorry to see your nose in mourning, Green—here, Waiter, take my hat. (Gives waiter the Charley’s old beaver to take care of, who brushes it up ironically, and takes it off).
Green.What say you to burying all differences in a friendly game of vhist? Trifle and I vill cut out.
Trifle.Yes; it’s too great an exertion for me to play,pan han-our—I’m only scarcely endurable to the fatigue of looking on,r-e-a-l-y.
Tom.A rubber at whist? I have no objection,
Jerry.Nor I—you’ll not find me at fault here, coz—no one is better skilled in the mystery of the odd trick, than I am, I flatter myself.
Trifle.(To Tom). Well you and your country friend can pair with Sir Jeremy and the Captain, and this worthy vegetable, Green, and I will see fair play,pan hanour.
(Kate, Sue, Tom and Jerry sit down to cards; Trifle and Green stand behind them, overlooking Tom’s and Jerry’s hand).
Log.(Drinking and looking on). They’ll be done, as sure as my name is Logic.—Upon that suit some of the best judges in London have been had.—Inviting a man to a swell dinner, and making him pay five guineas a mouthful for it afterwards, is no new feature of Life in London—Go it, ye flats—“Thus for men the women fair,” (singing). Why, there’s that fellow giving the office to his pal now: well it’s no business of mine. Go it my pippins—what, Tom, have you got the uneasiness?—“What is beauty but a bait.” (Sings again).
Tom.(Rising and throwing down cards). Oh, if you can’t play better than that, Jerry, we’d better do nothing at all!
Log.(Singing). “Oft repented when too late.”
Jerry.Who can play while the Doctor’s singing?
Log.I knew how it would be—did you hear anything knock, Tom?
Jerry.(Walks about, and, by mistake, takes Logic’s hat). Damn the cards!
Sue.(To Jerry). Come, sir, never be downhearted, bad luck now, better another time.
Jerry.Indeed! I’m not going to try, though.
Kate.Very sorry, Mr. Corinthian—shall be happy to give you your revenge some other evening!
Log.Well, Tom, are you clean’d out?
Tom.Clean’d out! both sides; look here—pockets to let!—here have been two playing four; and we have stood the nonsense in prime style.
Log.Well, don’t grumble—every one must pay for his learning—and you wouldn’t bilk the schoolmaster, would you? But come, I’m getting merry; so if you wish for a bit of good truth, come with me, and let’s have a dive among the Cadgers in the Back Slums, in the Holy Land.
Jerry.Back Slums—Holy Land!—I’m at fault again.
Log.Why, among the beggars in Dyot Street, St. Giles’s.
Tom.Beggars! ah, we shall be very good figures for the part. (Turning out his pockets).
Log.We must masquerade it there.
Kate.(To Sue, aside). And so must we—come, Trifle,
[Exeunt Omnes.
Billy Waters, Soldier Suke, Ragged Dick, Little Jemmy.
SCENE—Back Slums in the Holy Land.
MR. JENKINS, SOLDIER SUKE, DINGY BET, LITTLE JEMMY, CREEPING JACK, RAGGED DICK,and other well-known Characters discovered.
SONG.—Mr. Jenkins.Air.—“It was one Frosty Morning.”Cadgers make holiday,Hey, for the maunder’s joys,Let pious ones fast and pray,They save us the trouble, my boys.On the best peck and booze we’ll live,’Tis fit we their blunt should spend;For what to us they give,Tenfold to the saints they lend.Rumpti bumpti bay, &c.With our doxies, great as a Turk,We taste all life can give;For who but a slave would work,When he like a prince might live?Then lustily call away,Cadgers keep up the ball,Never mind what’s to pay,The public pays for all.Rumpti, bumpti bay, &c.
(Omnes Chorus the burthen of the Song—dancing grotesquely).
Omnes.Ha! ha! ha! (Billy heard without). Eh! stand aside—here comes Billy Waters.
EnterBILLY WATERS,dancing.
Billy.Ah; how do you do, my darley? How you do, Massa Jenkins?—I drink with you. (Drinks deep: Jenkins takes the pot away).—And you Massa Jack, I drink wid you, too. (To Creeping Jack).—Your helt,—your good helt, ladies! (Jack takes pot away).
Jack.I say, Billy, you’re biting your name in it.
Billy.Yes, me likes to bite my name in such goot stuff as that.
Mr. J.Gemman, let’s purceed to business—I’ve got to inform you o’ summat.
Jack.Vat’s that ’ere?
Mr. J.Vy, that ’ere, is this ’ere—I begs to obsarve that the time is come when you may all consider yourselves independent gemmen; for if business should fail, you can at any time retire on a pension now.
Jack.As how?
Mr. J.As how? Vy, this as how. The Mende-citySociety, I believe they call themselves, have kindly purwided a fund for us gemmen; so, if anybody offers you less nor a mag, or a duece, vy, you may say with the poet, “Who vou’d his farthings bear? ven he himself might his quivetus make vith a bare Bodkin.”
Omnes.Bravo!
Billy.Dat dam goot—me like dat!—that Bodkin has dam goot point!
Mr. J.It was but t’other day they took’d me up; slapp’d a pick-ax intoone of my mauleys, and shov’d a shovel into t’other, and told me to vork—says I, gemmen, I cant’t vork, cause vy, I’m too veak—so they guv’d me two bob, and I bolted!
Beggar.You did quite right; vell, vile I can get fifteen bob a day by gammoning a maim, the devil may vork for me. If any lady or gemmen is inclined for a dance, I’ll nash my arm-props in a minute. (Throws down his crutches).
Billy.An I play you de tune in de key of de X, Y, Z.
Jack.We haven’t had a better job a long vile nor the shabby genteel lay. That, and the civil rig, told in a pretty penny—Come, here’s the ould toast, “Success to Cadging.”
Omnes.(Drinking). Success to Cadging.
Mr. J.Does any gemman understand these here Tread Mills that have got such a footing?
Jack.Silence! Gemmen:—I’m a-going to make a hobservation: Mr. Jenkins means them there Mills as makes you vork vether there’s any vork or no—I can only say this here, gemmens, if them there mills are encouraged, it von’t be vorth no body’s vile to exercise vone’s calling—because, vy, von may as vell go and vork for one’s living at once—but the subject von’t bear not no thinking on.
Omnes.Not by no means. (General groans).
Billy.Oh, curse a de tread mill, me no like a de “here we go up, up, up,” and “down you go down, down, down,” an if you no work, a great lump of wood come and knock you down so—(Striking Beggar on head, with fiddle, who falls down).
Beggar.Oh! he has split my Jemmy!
Billy.(Picking him up). Poor fellow, him werry sorry, so dere no harm done. Gemman of de Noah Ark Society, as Little Jemmy here is no starter, I move he be put in de chair a-top o’ de table.
Omnes.Bravo! Jemmy in the chair. (Jemmy is put on the table).
Mr. J.Silence for the cheer.
Jemmy.Gemman, I shall return thanks—here’s all your jolly good healths, and success to flat catching.
Omnes.Bravo! bravo!
SONG.—Mr. Jenkins,and barking chorus of Beggars.AIR.—Bow, Wow, Wow.That all men are beggars, ’tis very plain to see,Tho’ some they are of lowly, and some they are of high degree;Your ministers of state will say, they never will allowThat kings from subjects beg, but that you know is all bow wow.Bow wow, wow! fol lol, &c.Then let us cadgers be, and take in all the flats we can,Experience we know full well, my boys, it is that makes the man;And for experience all should pay, that Billy will allow,And as for conscience that of old we know is all bow wow.Bow, wow, wow! fol lol, &c.
EnterKATE, SUE, JANE, TRIFLE,andGREEN,disguised as Beggars.
Sue.I do not see them here yet.
Kate.They’ll not be long, depend on’t,—have I sufficiently disfigured my charms?
Sue.Yes, they cannot surely recognise us in these disguises?
Trifle.Dear me, a very dreadful perfume,pan hanour—essence of mendicity—I’m sorry I came.
Mr. J.(To Green). Halloa, my little ’un?
Green.Eh! come you a done now; you a done vith you.
Mr. J.Sluice your dominos—vill you?—
Green.Vot! I never plays at dominoes—It’s too wulgar.
Mr. J.Vy, then vash your ivories?
Green.I’ve got no hiveries to vash.
Mr. J.Drink, vill you? don’t you understand Hinglish?
Green.Eh! drink—quite a gemman, I declare.—(While Green drinks Jenkins dances, expectantly).
Ragged Jack.I say, Jenkins has larned to dance since he’s been on the Mill—vy Jenkins you’ll dance your calves into your shoes if you don’t mind.
Mr. J.(To Green, looking at pot). Vy, I say, you’ve been eating red herrings for dinner, my young un!
Green.I vas dry, and that’s the fact on’t.
Billy.(Offering bottle to Sue). I say, Misses, you drink, eh! my Buckra Beaudly?
Jemmy.Gemman, have you ordered the peck and booze for the evening?
Sold. Suke.Aye, aye, I’ve taken care of that—shoulder of veal and garnish—Turkey and appendleges—Parmesan—Filberds—Port and Madery.
Billy.Dat dam goot, me like a de Madery—Landlord, here you give this bag of broken wittals, vot I had give me to-day, to some genteel dog vot pass your door: and you make haste wid de supper, you curse devil you!
Beggar’s Opera. Tom, Jerry, and Logic, among the Cadgers in the Holy Land.
EnterTOM, JERRY,andLOGIC—disguised as Beggars, with Placards on their backs—TOM’S “Burnt Out—lost my little all.”—JERRY’S “Deaf and Dumb.”—LOGIC’S “Thirteen Children.”&c.
Sue.Here they are—I know them in spite of their rags.
Tom.This, my dear Jerry, is a rich page in the book of life, which will save you many a pound, by exposing the imposition of street mendicity.—It almost staggers belief that hypocrisy is so successful, and that the fine feeling of the heart should become so blunted, as to laugh at the humanity of those who step forward to relieve them.
Log.’Tis the blunt that does it—but stow magging, Tom, or we shall get blown.
Jerry.Tom, here’s a group of blackbeetles—do you see those lovely mendicants?
Tom.Beauty in rags—I do—Cupid imploring charity, I’ll relieve him, for I’ll be after that match-girl directly.
Jerry.And I’ll chant a few words to that beautiful ballad-singer.
Log.And I’ll take pity on that charming beggar.
Song of the Cadgers in the Holy Land.Come, let us dance and sing,While fam’d St. Giles’ bells shall ring,Black Billy scrapes the fiddle strings,Little Jemmy fills the Chair.Frisk away, let’s be gay,This is Cadger’s holiday;While knaves are thinking, we are drinking,Bring in more gin and beer.Come, let us dance and sing, &c.Here’s Dough-boy Bet, and Silver Sall,Lushy Bob, and Yankee Moll,And Suke, as black as any pall,The pinks of the Holy Land.Now, merry, merry, let us be,There’s none more happier sure than we,For what we get we spend it free,As all must understand!Come, let us dance, &c.Now he that would merry be,Let him drink and sing as we,In palaces you shall not see,Such happiness as here.Then booze about, our cash an’t out,Here’s sixpence in a dirty clout;Come landlord bring us in more stout,Our pension-time draws near.Come, let us dance, &c.
EnterLANDLORDwith supper.
Land.Now, your honours, here’s the rum peck, here’s the supper.
Billy.Eh, de supper! de supper! come along, (After striking Creeping Jack on fingers with knife). You damn nasty dog! what for you put your dirty fingers in de gravy? you call that gentlemans? you want your finger in de pie, now you got him there!
Jack.I only wish’d to taste the stuffining.
Billy.And now you taste de carver knife instead! (takes candle, and looks at supper). Vy, what him call dis?
Land.Why, the turkey and the pie, to be sure.
Billy.De turkey and de pie! I tink you said de turkey and de pie,—what! de turkey without de sassinger! him shock—him wouldn’t give pin for turkey without dem—me like a de Alderman in chain.
Land.I’m very sorry, Mr. Waters, but—
Billy.You sorry! I’m sorry for my supper, you damn dog.
Mr. J.(To Landlord). Vhat! sarve up a turkey without sassiges,—you’re a nice man I don’t think.
Jack.(To Landlord). I tell you vhat, young man, vhen you talk to gemmen, larn to take off your hat.
Jemmy.Vy there’s no lemon to the weal, nor hoyster sasse to the rump stakes.—It’s shocking, infamous neglect, that’s vot it is.
Mr. J.(To Landlord). Vy, who do you suppose would eat rump stakes without ayesters? I’ve a great mind to smash your countenance for you!—You ought to have your head punched you ought!
Jemmy.Here’s no filberds to the Port, nor devils to the Madery, nather.
Land.Egad, I think there’s devils enough to it. (Aside). Gentlemen, the deficiencies shall be supplied directly. (He is hunted off).
Mr. J.Hit him; he’s got no friends.
Jemmy.We must go to some hother tavern, if we’re neglected in this here manner.
Mr. J.You may do as you please, gemmen, but for my part, I shall certainly use some otherhotel.
Billy.You perfectly right, Massa Jenkins, we must use some other hot-hell.
Jerry.(To Sue, she having attracted his attention). And so you sell ballads, eh?
Sue.Yes, Sir, three a penny; but if you like to take twelve, I’ll make you an allowance.
Jerry.Oh, I’ll have the allowance by all means.
Sue.(Singing).
“Relieve my woes, my wants distressing;And Heaven reward you with its blessing.”
Jerry.Enchanting vagrant! come here, and let me bargain with you. (Takes Sue aside).
Tom.(To Kate, bringing her down,C.—in like manner). And so you make matches, do you?
Kate.Yes!—as you’ll find out by and by. (Aside).
Tom.But ’ant these brimstone dealings contagious? you little flower of—hum-um-um—— (Takes her up in a corner).
Log.(To Jane, bringing her downR.—) You’ve moved me so, that I could bestow every mag I’ve got, you beautiful beggar, I could.
(Knocking without).
EnterLANDLORD,running,L,——Previously to which, Kate and Sue have, unobserved, given beggars money, and entered into communication with them pointing aside to Tom, Jerry and Logic.
Billy.Vat de matter, vat broke, eh? (To Landlord).
Land.Gentlemen vagabonds; the traps are abroad, and half a thousand beadle and beaksmen are now about the door.
Billy.De beak! oh curse a de beak!
Jemmy.Gemmen! gemmen! (Knocking on table to command attention).
Jack.Silence for the chair!
Jemmy.Put out the lights, put out the lights, every one shift for himself. Here, Bob, carry me up the ladder, good luck to you do, Bob.
Billy.Landlord! landlord, you dog! which door de beak come in at.
Land.At the front.
Billy.Vy, den carry me out at de back door, you Dick.
[He and Jemmy are carried out.—Lights are put out—General consternation.
FINALE.—Tom, Jerry, Logic, Sue, Kate, Jane, Mr. Jenkins, Creeping Jack,andBeggars.
Air.—“Zitti, Zitti—Piano, Piano!”Mr. Jenkins.Up the ladder, softly creeping,Let us gently steal away,Traps without their watch are keeping,There we’ll let the rascals stay.Creeping Jack.Traps without, their watch are keeping,Tread softly; no delay;Up the ladder slily creepingThrough the back door and away.Tom, Jerry, Logic, Kate, Sue, and Jane.To my arms, love, softly creeping,To bliss we’ll steal away;Suspense ’tis idle keeping,Seize pleasure while you may.Where are you? where are you?To my arms, love, softly creeping,To bliss we’ll steal away,Softly, softly; lightly, lightly; away; away! away!
Kate, Sue, and Jane, as Tom, Jerry, and Logic advance, attracted by their voices, adroitly substitute Dingy Bet, Soldier Suke, and another, in the places of themselves.—Drop falls on Tom, Jerry, and Logic, carrying their beggarly bargains off in great exultation.—Kate, Sue, and Jane enjoying the joke in the background.
Jerry Learning to Spar.
SCENE.—Jackson’s Rooms, in Bond Street.—Tom, Jerry, and Logic discovered.
Life in London with us is a round of delight;It is larking all day, sprees and rambles all night;Tom, Jerry, and Logic have ever the bestOf the coves in the East, and the swells in the West;Such pals in a turn-up, so bang up and merry,As Jerry, Tom, Logic—Tom, Logic, and Jerry,Ne’er was seen, since the world first by Noah was undone,So here’s Logic’s, Jerry’s, and Tom’s Life in London!
Tom.We are, indeed, a regular trio; every part well harmonised.
Log.Ay, all sharps! not a flat or a natural among us.
Jerry.I don’t think we were so very sharp last night, though, when we suffered ourselves to be made such apes of in Noah’s Ark.
Tom.You are right, Jerry, we are all at fault here; instead of clasping in my arms my pretty timber merchant—judge my horror, when on approaching a parish lamp, I found myself hugging that duchess of the dust-hole—Dingy Bet.
Log.I was served quite as badly—instead of my seraphic street solicitor, I found myself carrying on the war with Soldier Suke.
Tom.Worse and worse, who did you make yourself agreeable to, eh, Jerry?
Jerry.I beg you won’t mention it!
Tom.Let’s think no more on’t; the tables were fairly turned upon us, and we mustn’t grumble—we have now stepp’d into Jackson’s rooms to decide the bet with Logic as to our weight; and as he has won it, let’s be going—but stop, before we go, what say you to a bout with the foils?
Jerry.No go, Tom,—I’m fly—it’s a bad spec; I am not going to expose my ignorance of fencing here—but as far as a bout at single-sticks goes—why I have no objection.
Tom.Bob will accommodate; won’t you, Bob? come, Doctor, you must have a turn—one small taste.
Log.No go! no, no, Mr. Somerset, you’re a downy one at that sport—it won’t fit.
Tom.Positively you shall, Bob—come the least taste.
Log.Well, well! I won’t baulk your fancy, as you seem bent upon sport—but mind, only one bout.