A Pox upon this needless Scorn!Silvia, for shame the Cheat give o’er;The end to which the fair are born,Is not to keep their Charms in store,But lavishly dispose in haste,Of Joys—which none but Youth improve;Joys which decay when Beauty’s past:And who when Beauty’s past will love?When Age those Glories shall deface,Revenging all your cold Disdain,AndSilviashall neglected pass,By every once admiring Swain;And we can only Pity pay,When you in vain too late shall burn:If Love increase, and Youth delay,Ah,Silvia, who will make return?Then haste, mySilvia, to the Grove,Where all the Sweets ofMayconspire,To teach us every Art of Love,And raise our Charms of Pleasure higher;Where, whilst imbracing we should lieLoosely in Shades, on Banks of Flowers:The duller World whilst we defy,Years will be Minutes, Ages Hours.Beau.’Sdeath, that’s my Page’s Voice: Who the Devil is’t that ploughs with my Heifer!Aur.Don Henrick, Don Henrick—[The Door opens,Beau.goes up to’t;Will.puts him by, and offers to go in, he pulls him back.Will.How now, what intruding Slave art thou?Beau.What Thief art thou that basely, and by dark, rob’st me of all my Rights?[Strikes him, they fight, and Blows light onFetherfoolwho hangs down.[SanchothrowsFetherfool’sClothes out,Harlequintakes ’em up in confusion; they fight outBeaumond, all go off, butWill.gets into the House:HarlequinandFeth.remain.Feth.gets down, runs againstHarlequinin the dark, both seem frighted.Harl.Que questo.Feth.Ay,un pouer dead Home, murder’d, kill’d.Harl.(In Italian.) You are the first dead Man I ever saw walk.Feth.Hah, SeigniorHarlequin!Harl.Seignior Nicholas!Feth.A PoxNicholasye, I have been mall’d and beaten within doors, and hang’d and bastinado’d without doors, lost my Clothes, my Money, and all my Moveables; but this is nothing to the Secret taking Air. Ah, dearSeignior, convey me to the Mountebanks, there I may have Recruit and Cure under one.ACT V.Scene I.A Chamber.La Nucheon a Couch in an Undress,Willmoreat her Feet, on his Knees, all unbraced: his Hat, Sword, &c. on the Table, at which she is dressing her Head.Will.Oh Gods! no more!I see a yielding in thy charming Eyes;The Blushes on thy Face, thy trembling Arms,Thy panting Breast, and short-breath’d Sighs confess,Thou wo’t be mine, in spite of all thy Art.La Nu.What need you urge my Tongue then to repeatWhat from my Eyes you can so well interpret?[Bowing down her Head to him and sighing.—Or if it must—dispose me as you please—Will.Heaven, I thank thee![Rises with Joy.Who wou’d not plough an Age in Winter Seas,Or wade full seven long Years in ruder Camps,To find out this Restat last?—[Leans on, and kisses her Bosom.Upon thy tender Bosom to repose;To gaze upon thy Eyes, and taste thy Balmy Kisses,[Kisses her.—Sweeter than everlasting Groves of Spices,When the soft Winds display the opening Buds:—Come, haste, my Soul, to Bed—La Nu.You can be soft I find, when you wou’d conquer absolutely.Will.Not infant Angels, not young sighingCupidsCan be more; this ravishing Joy that thou hast promis’d me,Has form’d my Soul to such a Calm of Love,It melts e’en at my Eyes.La Nu.What have I done? that Promise will undo me.—This Chamber was prepar’d, and I was drest,To give Admittance to another Lover.Will.But Love and Fortune both were on my side—Come, come to Bed—consider nought but Love—[They going out, one knocks.La Nu.Hark!Beau.(without.) By Heav’n I will have entrance.La Nu.’Tis he whom I expect; as thou lov’st LifeAnd me, retire a little into this Closet.Will.Hah, retire!La Nu.He’s the most fiercely jealous of his Sex,And Disappointment will inrage him more.Will.Death: let him rage whoe’er he be; dost thinkI’ll hide me from him, and leave thee to his Love?Shall I, pent up, thro the thin Wainscot hearYour Sighs, your amorous Words, and sound of Kisses?No, if thou canst cozen me, do’t, but discreetly,And I shall think thee true:I have thee now, and when I tamely partWith thee, may Cowards huff and bully me.[Knocks again.La Nu.And must I be undone because I love ye?This is the Mine fromwhence I fetcht my Gold.Will.Damn the base Trash: I’ll have thee poor, and mine;’Tis nobler far, to starve with him thou lov’stThan gay without, and pining all within.[Knocking, breaking the Door,Will.snatches up his Sword.La Nu.Heavens, here will be murder done—he must not see him.[AsBeau.breaks open the Door, she runs away with the Candle,they are by dark,Beau.enters with his Sword drawn.Will.What art thou?Beau.A Man.[They fight.EnterPetron.with Light,La Nuchefollowing,Beau.runs to her.Oh thou false Woman, falser than thy Smiles,Which serve but to delude good-natur’d Man,And when thou hast him fast, betray’st his Heart!Will.Beaumond!Beau.Willmore!Is it with thee I must tug for Empire? For I lay claim to all this World of Beauty.[TakesLa Nuche, looking with scorn on Willmore.La Nu.Heavens, how got this Ruffian in?Will.Hold, hold, dearHarry, lay no Hands on her till thou can’st make thy Claim good.Beau.She’s mine, by Bargain mine, and that’s sufficient.Will.In Law perhaps, it may for ought I know, but ’tisnot so in Love: but thou’rt my Friend, and I’ll therefore give thee fair Play—if thou canst win her take her: But a Sword and a Mistress are not to be lost, if a Man can keep ’em.Beau.I cannot blame thee, thou but acts thy self—But thou fair Hypocrite, to whom I gave my Heart,And this exception made of all Mankind,Why would’st thou, as in Malice to my Love,Give it the only Wound that cou’d destroy it?Will.Nay, if thou didst forbid her loving me, I have her sure.Beau.I yield him many Charms; he’s nobly born,Has Wit, Youth, Courage, all that takes the Heart,And only wants what pleases Women’s Vanity,Estate, the only good that I can boast:And that I sacrifice to buy thy Smiles.La Nu.See, Sir—here’s a much fairer Chapman—you may be gone—[ToWill.Will.Faith, and so there is, Child, for me, I carry all about me, and that by Heaven is thine: I’ll settle all upon thee, but my Sword, and that will buy us Bread. I’ve two led Horses too, one thou shalt manage, and follow me thro Dangers.La Nu.A very hopeful comfortable Life;No, I was made for better Exercises.Will.Why, every thing in its turn, Child, yet a Man’s but a Man.Beau.No more, but if thou valuest her,Leave her to Ease and Plenty.Will.Leave her to Love, my Dear; one hour of right-down Love,Is worth an Age of living dully on:What is’t to be adorn’dand shine with Gold,Drest like a God, but never know the Pleasure?—No, no, I have much finer things in store for thee.[Hugs her.La Nu.What shall I do?Here’s powerful Interest prostrate at my Feet,[Pointing toBeau.Glory, and all than Vanity can boast;—But there—Love unadorn’d, no covering but his Wings,[ToWill.No Wealth, but a full Quiver to do mischiefs,Laughs at those meaner Trifles—Beau.Mute as thou art, are not these Minutes mine?But thou—ah false—hast dealt ’em out already,With all thy Charms of Love, to this unknown—Silence and guilty Blushes say thou hast:He all disorder’d too, loose and undrest,With Love and Pleasure dancing in his Eyes,Tell me too plainly how thou hast deceiv’d me.La Nu.Or if I have not,’tis a Trick soon done,And this ungrateful Jealousy wou’d put it in my Head.[Angrily.Beau.Wou’d! by Heaven, thou hast—he is not to be fool’d,Or sooth’d into belief of distant Joys,As easy as I have been: I’ve lost so kindAn Opportunity, where Night and Silence bothConspire with Love, had made him rage like WavesBlown up by Storms:—no more—I know he has—Oh what,La Nuche!robb’d me of all that IHave languish’d for—La Nu.If it were so, you should not dare believe it—[Angrily turns away, he kneels and holds her.Beau.Forgive me; oh so very well I love,Did I not know that thou hadst been a Whore,I’d give thee the last proof of Love—and marry thee.Will.The last indeed—for there’s an end of Loving;Do, marry him, and be curst by all his Family:Marry him, and ruin him, that he may curse thee too.—But hark ye, Friend, this is not fair; ’tis drawing Sharps on a Man that’s only arm’d with the defensive Cudgel,I’m for no such dead doing Arguments; if thou art for me, Child, it must be without the folly, for better for worse; there’s a kind of Nonsense in that Vow Fools only swallow.La Nu.But when I’ve worn out all my Youth and Beauty, and suffer’d every ill of Poverty, I shall be compell’d to begin the World again without a Stock to set up with. No faith, I’m for a substantial Merchant in Love, who can repay the loss of Time and Beauty; with whom to make one thriving Voyage sets me up for ever, and I need never put to Sea again.[Comes toBeau.Beau.Nor be expos’d to Storms of Poverty, theIndiesshall come to thee—See here—this is the Merchandize my Love affords.[Gives her a Pearl, and Pendants of Diamond.La Nu.Look ye, Sir, will not these Pearls do better round my Neck, than those kind Arms of yours? these Pendants in my Ears, than all the Tales of Love you can whisper there?Will.So—I am deceiv’d—deal on for Trash—and barter all thy Joys of Life for Baubles—this Night presents me one Adventure more—I’ll try thee once again, inconstant Fortune; and if thou fail’st me then—I will forswear thee[Aside.]Death, hadst thou lov’d my Friend for his own Value, I had esteem’d thee; but whenhis Youth and Beautycou’d not plead, to be the mercenary Conquest of his Presents, was poor, below thy Wit: I cou’d have conquer’d so, but I scorn thee at that rate—my Purse shall never be my Pimp—Farewel,Harry.Beau.Thou’st sham’d me out of Folly—stay—Will.Faith—I have an Assignation with a Woman—a Woman Friend! young as the infant-day, and sweet as Roses e’er the Morning Sun have kiss’d their Dew away. She will not ask me Money neither.La Nu.Hah! stay—[Holds him, and looks on him.Beau.She loves him, and her Eyes betray her Heart.Will.I am not for your turn, Child—Death, I shall lose my Mistress fooling here—I must be gone.[She holds him, he shakes his Head and sings.No, no, I will not hire your Bed,Nor Tenant to your Favours be;I will not farm your White and Red,You shall not let your Love to me:I court a Mistress—not a Landlady.[bis.Beau.He’s in the right; and shall I waste my Youth and powerful Fortune on one who all this while has jilted me, seeing I was a lavish loving Fool?—No—this Soul and Body shall not be divided—[Gives her toWill.Will.I am so much thy Friend, another time I might be drawn to take a bad Bargain off thy Hands—but I have other Business at present: wo’t do a kind thing,Harry,—lend me thy Aid to carry off my Woman to night? ’tis hard by in the Piazza, perhaps we may find Resistance.Beau.My self and Sword are yours. I have a Chair waits below too, may do you Service.Will.I thank ye—Madam—your Servant.La Nu.Left by both!Beau.You see our Affairs are pressing.[Bows, and smiles carelesly. Ex.Will.singing,andBeau.La Nu.Gone! where’s all your Power, ye poor deluded Eyes? Curse on your feeble Fires, that cannot warm a Heart which every common Beauty kindles. Oh—he is gone for ever.EnterPetronella.Pet.Yes, he is gone, to your eternal Ruin: not all the Race of Men cou’d have produc’d so bountiful and credulous a Fool.La Nu.No, never; fetch him back, myPetronella: Bring me my wild Inconstant, or I die—[Puts her out.Pet.The Devil fetch him back forPetronella, is’t he you mean? you’ve had too much of him; a Curse upon him, he’as ruin’d you.La Nu.He has, he shall, he must compleat my ruin.Pet.She raves, the Rogue has given her aSpanishPhiltre.La Nu.My Coach, my Veil—or let ’em all alone; undrest thus loosely to the Winds commit me to darkness, and no Guide but pityingCupid.[Going out,Pet.holds her.Pet.What, are you mad?La Nu.As Winds let loose, or Storms when they rage high.[Goes out.Pet.She’s lost, and I’ll shift for my self, seize all her Money and Jewels, of which I have the Keys; and if Seignior Mountebank keeps his Word, be transform’d to Youth and Beauty again, and undo thisLa Nucheat her own Trade—[Goes in.Scene II.The Street.EnterWillmore,Beaumond, Chair following.Will.Set down the Chair; you’re now within call, I’ll to the Garden-Door, and see if any Lady Bright appear—DearBeaumond, stay here a minute, and if I find occasion, I’ll give you the Word.Beau.’Tis hard by my Lodgings; if you want Conveniences, I have the Key of the Back-way through the Garden, whither you may carry your Mistress.Will.I thank thee—let me first secure my Woman.[Goes out.Beau.I thought I’d lov’d this false, this jilting Fair, even above my Friendship; but I find I can forgive this Rogue, tho I am sure he has rob’d me of my Joys.EnterAriadnewith a Casket of Jewels.Aria.Not yet! a Devil on him, he’s Dear-hearting it with some other kind Damsel—Faith,’tis most wickedly done of me to venture my Body with a mad unknown Fellow. Thus a little more Delay will put me into a serious Consideration, and I shall e’en go home again, sleep and be sober.[She walks about.Beau.Hah, a Woman! Perhaps the same he looks for—I’ll counterfeit his Voice and try my Chance—Fortune may set us even.Aria.Hah, is not that a Man? Yes—and a Chair waiting.[She peeps.Beau.Who’s there?Aria.A Maid.Beau.A Miracle—Oh art thou come, Child?Aria.’Tis he, you are a civil Captain, are you not, to make a longing Maid expect thus? What Woman has detain’d you?Beau.Faith, my Dear, tho Flesh and Blood be frail, yet the dear Hopes of thee has made me hold out with a Herculean Courage—Stay, where shall I carry her? not to my own Apartment;Ariadnemay surprize me: I’ll to the Mountebank here i’th’ Piazza, he has a Cure for all things, even for longing Love, and for a Pistole or two will do Reason.—Hah, Company: Here, step into this Chair.[She goes in, they go off just asWill.enters.Will.Hum, a Woman of Quality and jilt me—Egad, that’s strange now—Well, who shall a Man trust in this wicked World?EnterLa Nucheas before.La Nu.This should be he, he saunters about like an expecting Lover.[Will.peeping and approaching.Will.By this Light a Woman, if she be the right—but right or wrong so she be Feminine: harkye, Child, I fancy thee some kind thing that belongs to me.La Nu.Who are you?[In a low tone.Will.A wandering Lover that has lost his Heart, and I have shreud Guess ’tis in thy dear Bosom, Child.La Nu.Oh you’re a pretty Lover, a Woman’s like to have a sweet time on’t, if you’re always so tedious.Will.By yon bright Star-light, Child, I walk’d here in short turns like a Centinel, all this live-long Evening, and was just going (Gad forgive me) to kill my self.La Nu.I rather think some Beauty has detain’d you: Have you not seenLa Nuche?Will.La Nuche!—Why, she’s a Whore—I hope you take me for a civiller Person, than to throw my self away on Whores—No, Child, I lie with none but honest Women I: but no disputing now, come—to my Lodging, my dear—here’s a Chair waits hard by.[Exeunt.Scene III.Willmore’s Lodging.EnterHarlequinwithFetherfool’sClothes on his Shoulder, leading him halting by one Hand,Blunt(drunk) by the otherin the dark;Fetherfoolbloody, his Coat put over his Shoulders.Feth.Peano, Peano, Seignior, gently, goodEdward—for I’ll not halt before a Cripple; I have lost a great part of my agil Faculties.Blunt.Ah, see the Inconstancy of fickle Fortune,Nicholas—A Man to day, and beaten to morrow: but take comfort, there’s many a proper fellow has been robb’d and beaten on this Highway of whoring.Feth.Ay,Ned, thou speak’st by woful Experience—but that I should miscarry after thy wholesom Documents—but we are all mortal, as thou say’st,Ned—Would I had never crost the Ferry fromCroydon; a few such Nights as these wou’d learn a Man Experience enough to be a Wizard, if he have but the ill luck to escape hanging.Blunt.’Dsheartlikins, I wonder in what Country our kinder Stars rule: InEnglandplunder’d, sequester’d, imprison’d and banish’d; inFrance, starv’d, walking like the Sign of the naked Boy, withPlymouthCloaksin our Hands; inItalyandSpainrobb’d, beaten, and thrown out at Windows.Feth.Well, how happy am I, in having so true a Friend to condole me in Affliction—[Weeps.]I am oblig’d to SeigniorHarlequintoo, for bringing me hither to the Mountebank’s, where I shall not only conceal this Catastrophe from those fortunate Rogues our Comrades, butprocure a littleAlbum Græcumfor my Backside. Come, Seignior, my Clothes—but, Seignior—un Portavera Pocopalanca.[Dresses himself.Harl.Seignior.Feth.Entende vos Signoria Englesa?Harl.Em Poco, em Poco, Seignior.Feth.Per quelq arts, did your Seigniorship escape Cudgeling?Harl.La art de transformatio.Feth.Transformatio—Why, wert thou not born a Man?Harl.No, Seignior,un vieule Femme.Feth.How, born an old Woman?Blunt.Good Lord! born an old Woman! And so by transformation became invulnerable.Feth.Ay—in—invulnerable—what would I give to be invulnerable? and egad, I am almost weary of being a Man, and subject to beating: wou’d I were a Woman, a Man has but an ill time on’t: if he has a mind to a Wench, the making Love is so plaguy tedious—then paying is to my Soul insupportable. But to be a Woman, to be courted with Presents, and have both the Pleasure and the Profit—to be without a Beard, and sing a fine Treble—and squeak if the Men but kiss me—’twere fine—and what’s better, I am sure never to be beaten again.Blunt.Pox on’t, do not use an old Friend so scurvily; consider the Misery thou’lt indure to have the Heart and Mind of a jilting Whore possess thee: What a Fit of the Devil must he suffer who acts her Part from fourteen to fourscore! No,’tis resolv’d thou remainNicholas Fetherfoolstill, shalt marry the Monster, and laugh at Fortune.Feth.’Tis true, should I turn Whore to the Disgrace of my Family—what would the World say? who wou’d have thought it, cries one? I cou’d never have believ’d it, cries another. No, as thou say’st, I’ll remain as I am—marry and live honestly.Blunt.Well resolv’d, I’ll leave you, for I was just goingto serenade my Fairy Queen, when I met thee at the Door—some Deeds of Gallantry must be perform’d, Seignior,Bonus Nochus.[Ex.Blunt./EnterShiftwith Light.Feth.Hah, a Light, undone!Harl.Patientia, Patientia, Seignior.Shift.Where the Devil can this RogueHuntbe? Just now all things are ready for marrying these two Monsters; they wait, the House is husht, and in the lucky Minute to have him out of the way: sure the Devil owes me a spite.[Runs againstHarlequin, puts out his Candle.Harl.Qui est là?Shift.’TisHarlequin: Pox on’t, is’t you?Harl.Peace, here’sFetherfool, I’ll secure him, whilst you go about your Affair.[Ex.Shift.Feth.Oh, I hear a Noise, dearHarlequinsecure me; ifI am discover’dI am undone—hold, hold—here’s a Door—[They both go in.Scene changesto a Chamber, discovers theShe-Giantasleep in a great Chair.EnterFetherfoolandHarlequin.Feth.Hah—my Lady Monster! have I to avoidScyllarun uponCarybdis?—hah, she sleeps; now wou’d some magnanimous Lover make good Use of this Opportunity, take Fortune by the Fore-lock, put her to’t, and make sure Work—but Egad, he must have a better Heart, or a better Mistress than I.Harl.Try your Strength, I’ll be civil and leave you.[InItalianhe still speaks.Feth.Excuse me, Seignior, I should crackle like a wicker Bottle in her Arms—no, Seignior, there’s no venturing without a Grate between us: the Devil wou’d not give her due Benevolence—No, when I’m marry’d, I’ll e’en show her a fair pair of Heels, her Portion will pay Postage—But what if the Giant should carry her? that’s to be fear’d, then I have cock’d and drest, and fed, and ventur’d all this while for nothing.Harl.Faith, Seignior, if I were you, I wou’d make sure of something, see how rich she is in Gems.Feth.Right, as thou say’st, I ought to make sure of something, and she is rich in Gems: How amiable looks that Neck with that delicious row of Pearls about it.Harl.She sleeps.Feth.Ay, she sleeps as ’twere her last. What if I made bold to unrig her? So if I miss the Lady, I have at least my Charges paid: what vigorous Lover can resist her Charms?—[Looks on her.But shou’d she wake and miss it, and find it about me, I shou’d be hang’d—[Turns away.—So then, I lose my Lady too—but Flesh and Blood cannot resist—What if I left the Town? then I lose my Lady still; and who wou’d lose a Hog for the rest of the Proverb?—And yet a Bird in Hand, FriendNicholas—Yet sweet Meat may have sour Sauce—And yet refuse when Fortune offers—Yet Honesty’s a Jewel—But a Pox upon Pride, when Folks go naked—Harl.Well said.[Incouraging him by Signs.Feth.Ay—I’ll do’t—but what Remedy now against Discovery and Restitution?Harl.Oh, Sir, take no care, you shall—swallow ’em.Feth.How, swallow ’em! I shall ne’er be able to do’t.Harl.I’ll shew you, Seignior,’tis easy.Feth.’Gad that may be, ’twere excellent if I cou’d do’t; but first—by your leave.[Unties the Necklace, breaks the String, andHarl.swallows one to shew him.Harl.Look ye, that’s all—Feth.Hold, hold, Seignior, an you be so nimble, I shall pay dear for my Learning—let me see—FriendNicholas, thou hast swallow’d many a Pill for the Disease of theBody, let’s see what thou canst perform for that of the Purse.[Swallows ’em.—so—a comfortable business this—three or four thousand pound in Cordial-Pearl: ’Sbud,Mark Anthonywas never so treated by hisEgyptianCrocodile—hah, what noise is that?Harl.Operator, Operator, Seignior.Feth.How, an Operator! why, what the Devil makes he here? some Plot upon my Lady’s Chastity; were I given to be jealous now, Danger wou’d ensue—Oh, he’s entring, I would not be seen for all the World. Oh, some place of Refuge—[Looking about.Harl.I know of none.Feth.Hah, what’s this—a Clock Case?Harl.Good, good—look you, Sir, do you do thus, and ’tis impossible to discover ye.[Goes into the Case, and shews him how to stand; thenFetherfoolgoes in, pulls off his Periwig, his Head out, turning for the Minutes o’th’ top: his Hand out, and his Fingers pointing to a Figure.EnterShiftandHunt.Feth.Oh Heaven, he’s here.Shift.See where she sleeps; get you about your business, see your own little Marmoset and the Priest be ready, that we may marry and consummate before Day; and in the Morning our Friends shall see us abed together, give us the good morrow, and the Work’s done.[Ex.Hunt.Feth.Oh Traytor to my Bed, what a Hellish Plot’s here discover’d![Shiftwakes theGiant.Giant.Oh, are you come, my Sweetest?Feth.Hah, the Mistress of my Bosom false too! ah, who wou’d trust faithless Beauty—oh that I durst speak.Shift.Come let’s away, your Uncle and the rest of the House are fast asleep, let’s away e’er the two Fools, Blunt and Fetherfool, arrive.Giant.Hang ’em, Pigeon-hearted Slaves—Shift.A Clock—let’s see what hour ’tis—[Lifts up the Light to see,Feth.blows it out.—How! betray’d—I’ll kill the Villain.[Draws.Feth.Say you so, then ’tis time for me to uncase.Shift.Have you your Lovers hid?[Gets out, all groping in the dark,Feth.gets theGiantby the Hand.Giant.Softly, or we’re undone; give me your Hand, and be undeceiv’d.Feth.’Tis she, now shall I be reveng’d.[Leads her out.Shift.What, gone! Death, has this Monster got the Arts of Woman?[Harl.meets him in the dark, and plays tricks with him.[Ex. all.EnterWillmoreandLa Nucheby dark.Will.Now we are safe and free, let’s in, my Soul, and gratefully first sacrifice to Love, then to the Gods of Mirth and Wine, my Dear.[Ex. passing over the Stage.EnterBluntwithPetronella, imbracing her, his Sword in his Hand, and a Box of Jewels.Pet.I was damnably afraid I was pursu’d.[Aside.Blunt.Something in the Fray I’ve got, pray Heaven it prove a Prize, after my cursed ill luck of losing my Lady Dwarf: Why do you tremble, fair one?—you’re in the Hands of an honest Gentleman, Adshartlikins.Pet.Alas, Sir, just as I approach! Seignior Doctor’s Door, to have my self surrounded with naked Weapons, then to drop with the fear my Casket of Jewels, which had not you by chance stumbled on and taken up, I had lost a hundred thousand Crowns with it.Blunt.Ha um—a hundred thousand Crowns—a pretty trifling Sum—I’ll many her out of hand.[Aside.Pet.This is anEnglishman, of a dull honest Nation, and might be manag’d to advantage, were but I transform’d now.[Aside.]I hope you are a Man of Honour; Sir, I am a Virgin, fledfrom the rage of an incens’d Brother; cou’d you but secure me with my Treasure, I wou’d be devoted yours.Blunt.Secure thee! by this Light, sweet Soul, I’ll marry thee;—Belvile’sLady ran just so away with him—this must be a Prize—[Aside.]But hark—prithee, my Dear, step in a little, I’ll keep my good Fortune to my self.Pet.See what trust I repose in your Hands, those Jewels, Sir.Blunt.So—there can be no jilting here, I am secur’d from being cozen’d however.[Ex.Pet.EnterFetherfool.Feth.A Pox on all Fools, I say, and a double Pox on all fighting Fools; just when I had miraculously got my Monster by a mistake in the dark, convey’d her out, and within a moment of marrying her, to have my Friend set upon me, and occasion my losing her, was a Catastrophe which none but thy termagant Courage (which never did any Man good) cou’d have procur’d.Blunt.’Dshartlikins, I cou’d kill my self.Feth.To fight away a couple of such hopeful Monsters, and two Millions—’owns, was ever Valour so improvident?Blunt.Your fighting made me mistake: for who the Pox wou’d have look’d forNicholas Fetherfoolin the person of a Hero?Feth.Fight, ’Sbud, a Million of Money wou’d have provok’d a Bully; besides, I took you for the damn’d Rogue my Rival.Blunt.Just as I had finish’d my Serenade, and had put up my Pipes to be gone, out stalk’d me your two-handed Lady, with a Man at her Girdle like a bunch of Keys, whom I taking for nothing less than some one who had some foul design upon the Gentlewoman, like a true Knight-Errant, did my best to rescue her.Feth.Yes, yes, I feel you did, a Pox of your heavy hand.Blunt.So whilst we two were lovingly cuffing each other, comes the Rival, I suppose, and carries off the Prize.Feth.Who must be SeigniorLuciferhimself, he cou’d never have vanisht with that Celerity else with such a Carriage—But come, all we have to do is to raise the Mountebank and the Guardian, pursue the Rogues, have ’em hang’d by Law, for a Rape, and Theft, and then we stand fair again.Blunt.Faith, you may, if you please, but Fortune has provided otherwise for me. [Aside.][Ex.Blu.andFeth.EnterBeaumondandAriadne.Beau.Sure none lives here, or Thieves are broken in, the Doors are all left open.Aria.Pray Heaven this Stranger prove but honest now.[Aside.Beau.Now, my dear Creature, every thing conspires to make us happy, let us not defer it.Aria.Hold, dear Captain, I yield but on Conditions, which are these—I give you up a Maid of Youth and Beauty, ten thousand Pound in ready Jewels here—three times the value in Estate to come, of which here be the Writings, you delivering me a handsom proper fellow, Heart-whole and sound, that’s all—your Name I ask not till the Priest declare it, who is to seal the Bargain. I cannot deceive, for I let you know I am Daughter-in-law to theEnglishAmbassador.
A Pox upon this needless Scorn!Silvia, for shame the Cheat give o’er;The end to which the fair are born,Is not to keep their Charms in store,But lavishly dispose in haste,Of Joys—which none but Youth improve;Joys which decay when Beauty’s past:And who when Beauty’s past will love?
A Pox upon this needless Scorn!
Silvia, for shame the Cheat give o’er;
The end to which the fair are born,
Is not to keep their Charms in store,
But lavishly dispose in haste,
Of Joys—which none but Youth improve;
Joys which decay when Beauty’s past:
And who when Beauty’s past will love?
When Age those Glories shall deface,Revenging all your cold Disdain,AndSilviashall neglected pass,By every once admiring Swain;And we can only Pity pay,When you in vain too late shall burn:If Love increase, and Youth delay,Ah,Silvia, who will make return?
When Age those Glories shall deface,
Revenging all your cold Disdain,
AndSilviashall neglected pass,
By every once admiring Swain;
And we can only Pity pay,
When you in vain too late shall burn:
If Love increase, and Youth delay,
Ah,Silvia, who will make return?
Then haste, mySilvia, to the Grove,Where all the Sweets ofMayconspire,To teach us every Art of Love,And raise our Charms of Pleasure higher;Where, whilst imbracing we should lieLoosely in Shades, on Banks of Flowers:The duller World whilst we defy,Years will be Minutes, Ages Hours.
Then haste, mySilvia, to the Grove,
Where all the Sweets ofMayconspire,
To teach us every Art of Love,
And raise our Charms of Pleasure higher;
Where, whilst imbracing we should lie
Loosely in Shades, on Banks of Flowers:
The duller World whilst we defy,
Years will be Minutes, Ages Hours.
Beau.’Sdeath, that’s my Page’s Voice: Who the Devil is’t that ploughs with my Heifer!
Aur.Don Henrick, Don Henrick—[The Door opens,Beau.goes up to’t;Will.puts him by, and offers to go in, he pulls him back.
Will.How now, what intruding Slave art thou?
Beau.What Thief art thou that basely, and by dark, rob’st me of all my Rights?[Strikes him, they fight, and Blows light onFetherfoolwho hangs down.
[SanchothrowsFetherfool’sClothes out,Harlequintakes ’em up in confusion; they fight outBeaumond, all go off, butWill.gets into the House:HarlequinandFeth.remain.Feth.gets down, runs againstHarlequinin the dark, both seem frighted.
Harl.Que questo.
Feth.Ay,un pouer dead Home, murder’d, kill’d.
Harl.(In Italian.) You are the first dead Man I ever saw walk.
Feth.Hah, SeigniorHarlequin!
Harl.Seignior Nicholas!
Feth.A PoxNicholasye, I have been mall’d and beaten within doors, and hang’d and bastinado’d without doors, lost my Clothes, my Money, and all my Moveables; but this is nothing to the Secret taking Air. Ah, dearSeignior, convey me to the Mountebanks, there I may have Recruit and Cure under one.
ACT V.
Scene I.A Chamber.
La Nucheon a Couch in an Undress,Willmoreat her Feet, on his Knees, all unbraced: his Hat, Sword, &c. on the Table, at which she is dressing her Head.
Will.Oh Gods! no more!I see a yielding in thy charming Eyes;The Blushes on thy Face, thy trembling Arms,Thy panting Breast, and short-breath’d Sighs confess,Thou wo’t be mine, in spite of all thy Art.
Will.Oh Gods! no more!
I see a yielding in thy charming Eyes;
The Blushes on thy Face, thy trembling Arms,
Thy panting Breast, and short-breath’d Sighs confess,
Thou wo’t be mine, in spite of all thy Art.
La Nu.What need you urge my Tongue then to repeatWhat from my Eyes you can so well interpret?[Bowing down her Head to him and sighing.—Or if it must—dispose me as you please—
La Nu.What need you urge my Tongue then to repeat
What from my Eyes you can so well interpret?
—Or if it must—dispose me as you please—
Will.Heaven, I thank thee![Rises with Joy.Who wou’d not plough an Age in Winter Seas,Or wade full seven long Years in ruder Camps,To find out this Restat last?—[Leans on, and kisses her Bosom.Upon thy tender Bosom to repose;To gaze upon thy Eyes, and taste thy Balmy Kisses,[Kisses her.—Sweeter than everlasting Groves of Spices,When the soft Winds display the opening Buds:—Come, haste, my Soul, to Bed—
Will.Heaven, I thank thee![Rises with Joy.
Who wou’d not plough an Age in Winter Seas,
Or wade full seven long Years in ruder Camps,
To find out this Restat last?—[Leans on, and kisses her Bosom.
Upon thy tender Bosom to repose;
To gaze upon thy Eyes, and taste thy Balmy Kisses,[Kisses her.
—Sweeter than everlasting Groves of Spices,
When the soft Winds display the opening Buds:
—Come, haste, my Soul, to Bed—
La Nu.You can be soft I find, when you wou’d conquer absolutely.
Will.Not infant Angels, not young sighingCupidsCan be more; this ravishing Joy that thou hast promis’d me,Has form’d my Soul to such a Calm of Love,It melts e’en at my Eyes.
Will.Not infant Angels, not young sighingCupids
Can be more; this ravishing Joy that thou hast promis’d me,
Has form’d my Soul to such a Calm of Love,
It melts e’en at my Eyes.
La Nu.What have I done? that Promise will undo me.—This Chamber was prepar’d, and I was drest,To give Admittance to another Lover.
La Nu.What have I done? that Promise will undo me.
—This Chamber was prepar’d, and I was drest,
To give Admittance to another Lover.
Will.But Love and Fortune both were on my side—Come, come to Bed—consider nought but Love—[They going out, one knocks.
La Nu.Hark!
Beau.(without.) By Heav’n I will have entrance.
La Nu.’Tis he whom I expect; as thou lov’st LifeAnd me, retire a little into this Closet.
La Nu.’Tis he whom I expect; as thou lov’st Life
And me, retire a little into this Closet.
Will.Hah, retire!
La Nu.He’s the most fiercely jealous of his Sex,And Disappointment will inrage him more.
La Nu.He’s the most fiercely jealous of his Sex,
And Disappointment will inrage him more.
Will.Death: let him rage whoe’er he be; dost thinkI’ll hide me from him, and leave thee to his Love?Shall I, pent up, thro the thin Wainscot hearYour Sighs, your amorous Words, and sound of Kisses?No, if thou canst cozen me, do’t, but discreetly,And I shall think thee true:I have thee now, and when I tamely partWith thee, may Cowards huff and bully me.[Knocks again.
Will.Death: let him rage whoe’er he be; dost think
I’ll hide me from him, and leave thee to his Love?
Shall I, pent up, thro the thin Wainscot hear
Your Sighs, your amorous Words, and sound of Kisses?
No, if thou canst cozen me, do’t, but discreetly,
And I shall think thee true:
I have thee now, and when I tamely part
With thee, may Cowards huff and bully me.[Knocks again.
La Nu.And must I be undone because I love ye?This is the Mine fromwhence I fetcht my Gold.
La Nu.And must I be undone because I love ye?
This is the Mine fromwhence I fetcht my Gold.
Will.Damn the base Trash: I’ll have thee poor, and mine;’Tis nobler far, to starve with him thou lov’stThan gay without, and pining all within.[Knocking, breaking the Door,Will.snatches up his Sword.
Will.Damn the base Trash: I’ll have thee poor, and mine;
’Tis nobler far, to starve with him thou lov’st
Than gay without, and pining all within.[Knocking, breaking the Door,Will.snatches up his Sword.
La Nu.Heavens, here will be murder done—he must not see him.[AsBeau.breaks open the Door, she runs away with the Candle,they are by dark,Beau.enters with his Sword drawn.
Will.What art thou?
Beau.A Man.[They fight.
EnterPetron.with Light,La Nuchefollowing,Beau.runs to her.
Oh thou false Woman, falser than thy Smiles,Which serve but to delude good-natur’d Man,And when thou hast him fast, betray’st his Heart!
Oh thou false Woman, falser than thy Smiles,
Which serve but to delude good-natur’d Man,
And when thou hast him fast, betray’st his Heart!
Will.Beaumond!
Beau.Willmore!Is it with thee I must tug for Empire? For I lay claim to all this World of Beauty.[TakesLa Nuche, looking with scorn on Willmore.
La Nu.Heavens, how got this Ruffian in?
Will.Hold, hold, dearHarry, lay no Hands on her till thou can’st make thy Claim good.
Beau.She’s mine, by Bargain mine, and that’s sufficient.
Will.In Law perhaps, it may for ought I know, but ’tisnot so in Love: but thou’rt my Friend, and I’ll therefore give thee fair Play—if thou canst win her take her: But a Sword and a Mistress are not to be lost, if a Man can keep ’em.
Beau.I cannot blame thee, thou but acts thy self—But thou fair Hypocrite, to whom I gave my Heart,And this exception made of all Mankind,Why would’st thou, as in Malice to my Love,Give it the only Wound that cou’d destroy it?
Beau.I cannot blame thee, thou but acts thy self—
But thou fair Hypocrite, to whom I gave my Heart,
And this exception made of all Mankind,
Why would’st thou, as in Malice to my Love,
Give it the only Wound that cou’d destroy it?
Will.Nay, if thou didst forbid her loving me, I have her sure.
Beau.I yield him many Charms; he’s nobly born,Has Wit, Youth, Courage, all that takes the Heart,And only wants what pleases Women’s Vanity,Estate, the only good that I can boast:And that I sacrifice to buy thy Smiles.
Beau.I yield him many Charms; he’s nobly born,
Has Wit, Youth, Courage, all that takes the Heart,
And only wants what pleases Women’s Vanity,
Estate, the only good that I can boast:
And that I sacrifice to buy thy Smiles.
La Nu.See, Sir—here’s a much fairer Chapman—you may be gone—[ToWill.
Will.Faith, and so there is, Child, for me, I carry all about me, and that by Heaven is thine: I’ll settle all upon thee, but my Sword, and that will buy us Bread. I’ve two led Horses too, one thou shalt manage, and follow me thro Dangers.
La Nu.A very hopeful comfortable Life;
No, I was made for better Exercises.
Will.Why, every thing in its turn, Child, yet a Man’s but a Man.
Beau.No more, but if thou valuest her,
Leave her to Ease and Plenty.
Will.Leave her to Love, my Dear; one hour of right-down Love,Is worth an Age of living dully on:What is’t to be adorn’dand shine with Gold,Drest like a God, but never know the Pleasure?—No, no, I have much finer things in store for thee.[Hugs her.
Will.Leave her to Love, my Dear; one hour of right-down Love,
Is worth an Age of living dully on:
What is’t to be adorn’dand shine with Gold,
Drest like a God, but never know the Pleasure?
—No, no, I have much finer things in store for thee.[Hugs her.
La Nu.What shall I do?Here’s powerful Interest prostrate at my Feet,[Pointing toBeau.Glory, and all than Vanity can boast;—But there—Love unadorn’d, no covering but his Wings,[ToWill.No Wealth, but a full Quiver to do mischiefs,Laughs at those meaner Trifles—
La Nu.What shall I do?
Here’s powerful Interest prostrate at my Feet,[Pointing toBeau.
Glory, and all than Vanity can boast;
—But there—Love unadorn’d, no covering but his Wings,[ToWill.
No Wealth, but a full Quiver to do mischiefs,
Laughs at those meaner Trifles—
Beau.Mute as thou art, are not these Minutes mine?But thou—ah false—hast dealt ’em out already,With all thy Charms of Love, to this unknown—Silence and guilty Blushes say thou hast:He all disorder’d too, loose and undrest,With Love and Pleasure dancing in his Eyes,Tell me too plainly how thou hast deceiv’d me.
Beau.Mute as thou art, are not these Minutes mine?
But thou—ah false—hast dealt ’em out already,
With all thy Charms of Love, to this unknown—
Silence and guilty Blushes say thou hast:
He all disorder’d too, loose and undrest,
With Love and Pleasure dancing in his Eyes,
Tell me too plainly how thou hast deceiv’d me.
La Nu.Or if I have not,’tis a Trick soon done,And this ungrateful Jealousy wou’d put it in my Head.[Angrily.
La Nu.Or if I have not,’tis a Trick soon done,
And this ungrateful Jealousy wou’d put it in my Head.[Angrily.
Beau.Wou’d! by Heaven, thou hast—he is not to be fool’d,Or sooth’d into belief of distant Joys,As easy as I have been: I’ve lost so kindAn Opportunity, where Night and Silence bothConspire with Love, had made him rage like WavesBlown up by Storms:—no more—I know he has—Oh what,La Nuche!robb’d me of all that IHave languish’d for—
Beau.Wou’d! by Heaven, thou hast—he is not to be fool’d,
Or sooth’d into belief of distant Joys,
As easy as I have been: I’ve lost so kind
An Opportunity, where Night and Silence both
Conspire with Love, had made him rage like Waves
Blown up by Storms:—no more—I know he has
—Oh what,La Nuche!robb’d me of all that I
Have languish’d for—
La Nu.If it were so, you should not dare believe it—[Angrily turns away, he kneels and holds her.
Beau.Forgive me; oh so very well I love,Did I not know that thou hadst been a Whore,I’d give thee the last proof of Love—and marry thee.
Beau.Forgive me; oh so very well I love,
Did I not know that thou hadst been a Whore,
I’d give thee the last proof of Love—and marry thee.
Will.The last indeed—for there’s an end of Loving;Do, marry him, and be curst by all his Family:Marry him, and ruin him, that he may curse thee too.
Will.The last indeed—for there’s an end of Loving;
Do, marry him, and be curst by all his Family:
Marry him, and ruin him, that he may curse thee too.
—But hark ye, Friend, this is not fair; ’tis drawing Sharps on a Man that’s only arm’d with the defensive Cudgel,I’m for no such dead doing Arguments; if thou art for me, Child, it must be without the folly, for better for worse; there’s a kind of Nonsense in that Vow Fools only swallow.
La Nu.But when I’ve worn out all my Youth and Beauty, and suffer’d every ill of Poverty, I shall be compell’d to begin the World again without a Stock to set up with. No faith, I’m for a substantial Merchant in Love, who can repay the loss of Time and Beauty; with whom to make one thriving Voyage sets me up for ever, and I need never put to Sea again.[Comes toBeau.
Beau.Nor be expos’d to Storms of Poverty, theIndiesshall come to thee—See here—this is the Merchandize my Love affords.[Gives her a Pearl, and Pendants of Diamond.
La Nu.Look ye, Sir, will not these Pearls do better round my Neck, than those kind Arms of yours? these Pendants in my Ears, than all the Tales of Love you can whisper there?
Will.So—I am deceiv’d—deal on for Trash—and barter all thy Joys of Life for Baubles—this Night presents me one Adventure more—I’ll try thee once again, inconstant Fortune; and if thou fail’st me then—I will forswear thee[Aside.]Death, hadst thou lov’d my Friend for his own Value, I had esteem’d thee; but whenhis Youth and Beautycou’d not plead, to be the mercenary Conquest of his Presents, was poor, below thy Wit: I cou’d have conquer’d so, but I scorn thee at that rate—my Purse shall never be my Pimp—Farewel,Harry.
Beau.Thou’st sham’d me out of Folly—stay—
Will.Faith—I have an Assignation with a Woman—a Woman Friend! young as the infant-day, and sweet as Roses e’er the Morning Sun have kiss’d their Dew away. She will not ask me Money neither.
La Nu.Hah! stay—[Holds him, and looks on him.
Beau.She loves him, and her Eyes betray her Heart.
Will.I am not for your turn, Child—Death, I shall lose my Mistress fooling here—I must be gone.[She holds him, he shakes his Head and sings.
No, no, I will not hire your Bed,Nor Tenant to your Favours be;I will not farm your White and Red,You shall not let your Love to me:I court a Mistress—not a Landlady.[bis.
No, no, I will not hire your Bed,
Nor Tenant to your Favours be;
I will not farm your White and Red,
You shall not let your Love to me:
I court a Mistress—not a Landlady.[bis.
Beau.He’s in the right; and shall I waste my Youth and powerful Fortune on one who all this while has jilted me, seeing I was a lavish loving Fool?—No—this Soul and Body shall not be divided—[Gives her toWill.
Will.I am so much thy Friend, another time I might be drawn to take a bad Bargain off thy Hands—but I have other Business at present: wo’t do a kind thing,Harry,—lend me thy Aid to carry off my Woman to night? ’tis hard by in the Piazza, perhaps we may find Resistance.
Beau.My self and Sword are yours. I have a Chair waits below too, may do you Service.
Will.I thank ye—Madam—your Servant.
La Nu.Left by both!
Beau.You see our Affairs are pressing.[Bows, and smiles carelesly. Ex.Will.singing,andBeau.
La Nu.Gone! where’s all your Power, ye poor deluded Eyes? Curse on your feeble Fires, that cannot warm a Heart which every common Beauty kindles. Oh—he is gone for ever.
EnterPetronella.
Pet.Yes, he is gone, to your eternal Ruin: not all the Race of Men cou’d have produc’d so bountiful and credulous a Fool.
La Nu.No, never; fetch him back, myPetronella: Bring me my wild Inconstant, or I die—[Puts her out.
Pet.The Devil fetch him back forPetronella, is’t he you mean? you’ve had too much of him; a Curse upon him, he’as ruin’d you.
La Nu.He has, he shall, he must compleat my ruin.
Pet.She raves, the Rogue has given her aSpanishPhiltre.
La Nu.My Coach, my Veil—or let ’em all alone; undrest thus loosely to the Winds commit me to darkness, and no Guide but pityingCupid.[Going out,Pet.holds her.
Pet.What, are you mad?
La Nu.As Winds let loose, or Storms when they rage high.[Goes out.
Pet.She’s lost, and I’ll shift for my self, seize all her Money and Jewels, of which I have the Keys; and if Seignior Mountebank keeps his Word, be transform’d to Youth and Beauty again, and undo thisLa Nucheat her own Trade—[Goes in.
Scene II.The Street.
EnterWillmore,Beaumond, Chair following.
Will.Set down the Chair; you’re now within call, I’ll to the Garden-Door, and see if any Lady Bright appear—DearBeaumond, stay here a minute, and if I find occasion, I’ll give you the Word.
Beau.’Tis hard by my Lodgings; if you want Conveniences, I have the Key of the Back-way through the Garden, whither you may carry your Mistress.Will.I thank thee—let me first secure my Woman.[Goes out.
Beau.I thought I’d lov’d this false, this jilting Fair, even above my Friendship; but I find I can forgive this Rogue, tho I am sure he has rob’d me of my Joys.
EnterAriadnewith a Casket of Jewels.
Aria.Not yet! a Devil on him, he’s Dear-hearting it with some other kind Damsel—Faith,’tis most wickedly done of me to venture my Body with a mad unknown Fellow. Thus a little more Delay will put me into a serious Consideration, and I shall e’en go home again, sleep and be sober.[She walks about.
Beau.Hah, a Woman! Perhaps the same he looks for—I’ll counterfeit his Voice and try my Chance—Fortune may set us even.
Aria.Hah, is not that a Man? Yes—and a Chair waiting.[She peeps.
Beau.Who’s there?
Aria.A Maid.
Beau.A Miracle—Oh art thou come, Child?
Aria.’Tis he, you are a civil Captain, are you not, to make a longing Maid expect thus? What Woman has detain’d you?
Beau.Faith, my Dear, tho Flesh and Blood be frail, yet the dear Hopes of thee has made me hold out with a Herculean Courage—Stay, where shall I carry her? not to my own Apartment;Ariadnemay surprize me: I’ll to the Mountebank here i’th’ Piazza, he has a Cure for all things, even for longing Love, and for a Pistole or two will do Reason.—Hah, Company: Here, step into this Chair.[She goes in, they go off just asWill.enters.
Will.Hum, a Woman of Quality and jilt me—Egad, that’s strange now—Well, who shall a Man trust in this wicked World?
EnterLa Nucheas before.
La Nu.This should be he, he saunters about like an expecting Lover.[Will.peeping and approaching.
Will.By this Light a Woman, if she be the right—but right or wrong so she be Feminine: harkye, Child, I fancy thee some kind thing that belongs to me.
La Nu.Who are you?[In a low tone.
Will.A wandering Lover that has lost his Heart, and I have shreud Guess ’tis in thy dear Bosom, Child.
La Nu.Oh you’re a pretty Lover, a Woman’s like to have a sweet time on’t, if you’re always so tedious.
Will.By yon bright Star-light, Child, I walk’d here in short turns like a Centinel, all this live-long Evening, and was just going (Gad forgive me) to kill my self.
La Nu.I rather think some Beauty has detain’d you: Have you not seenLa Nuche?
Will.La Nuche!—Why, she’s a Whore—I hope you take me for a civiller Person, than to throw my self away on Whores—No, Child, I lie with none but honest Women I: but no disputing now, come—to my Lodging, my dear—here’s a Chair waits hard by.[Exeunt.
Scene III.Willmore’s Lodging.
EnterHarlequinwithFetherfool’sClothes on his Shoulder, leading him halting by one Hand,Blunt(drunk) by the otherin the dark;Fetherfoolbloody, his Coat put over his Shoulders.
Feth.Peano, Peano, Seignior, gently, goodEdward—for I’ll not halt before a Cripple; I have lost a great part of my agil Faculties.
Blunt.Ah, see the Inconstancy of fickle Fortune,Nicholas—A Man to day, and beaten to morrow: but take comfort, there’s many a proper fellow has been robb’d and beaten on this Highway of whoring.
Feth.Ay,Ned, thou speak’st by woful Experience—but that I should miscarry after thy wholesom Documents—but we are all mortal, as thou say’st,Ned—Would I had never crost the Ferry fromCroydon; a few such Nights as these wou’d learn a Man Experience enough to be a Wizard, if he have but the ill luck to escape hanging.
Blunt.’Dsheartlikins, I wonder in what Country our kinder Stars rule: InEnglandplunder’d, sequester’d, imprison’d and banish’d; inFrance, starv’d, walking like the Sign of the naked Boy, withPlymouthCloaksin our Hands; inItalyandSpainrobb’d, beaten, and thrown out at Windows.
Feth.Well, how happy am I, in having so true a Friend to condole me in Affliction—[Weeps.]I am oblig’d to SeigniorHarlequintoo, for bringing me hither to the Mountebank’s, where I shall not only conceal this Catastrophe from those fortunate Rogues our Comrades, butprocure a littleAlbum Græcumfor my Backside. Come, Seignior, my Clothes—but, Seignior—un Portavera Pocopalanca.[Dresses himself.
Harl.Seignior.
Feth.Entende vos Signoria Englesa?
Harl.Em Poco, em Poco, Seignior.
Feth.Per quelq arts, did your Seigniorship escape Cudgeling?
Harl.La art de transformatio.
Feth.Transformatio—Why, wert thou not born a Man?
Harl.No, Seignior,un vieule Femme.
Feth.How, born an old Woman?
Blunt.Good Lord! born an old Woman! And so by transformation became invulnerable.
Feth.Ay—in—invulnerable—what would I give to be invulnerable? and egad, I am almost weary of being a Man, and subject to beating: wou’d I were a Woman, a Man has but an ill time on’t: if he has a mind to a Wench, the making Love is so plaguy tedious—then paying is to my Soul insupportable. But to be a Woman, to be courted with Presents, and have both the Pleasure and the Profit—to be without a Beard, and sing a fine Treble—and squeak if the Men but kiss me—’twere fine—and what’s better, I am sure never to be beaten again.
Blunt.Pox on’t, do not use an old Friend so scurvily; consider the Misery thou’lt indure to have the Heart and Mind of a jilting Whore possess thee: What a Fit of the Devil must he suffer who acts her Part from fourteen to fourscore! No,’tis resolv’d thou remainNicholas Fetherfoolstill, shalt marry the Monster, and laugh at Fortune.
Feth.’Tis true, should I turn Whore to the Disgrace of my Family—what would the World say? who wou’d have thought it, cries one? I cou’d never have believ’d it, cries another. No, as thou say’st, I’ll remain as I am—marry and live honestly.
Blunt.Well resolv’d, I’ll leave you, for I was just goingto serenade my Fairy Queen, when I met thee at the Door—some Deeds of Gallantry must be perform’d, Seignior,Bonus Nochus.[Ex.Blunt./
EnterShiftwith Light.
Feth.Hah, a Light, undone!
Harl.Patientia, Patientia, Seignior.
Shift.Where the Devil can this RogueHuntbe? Just now all things are ready for marrying these two Monsters; they wait, the House is husht, and in the lucky Minute to have him out of the way: sure the Devil owes me a spite.[Runs againstHarlequin, puts out his Candle.
Harl.Qui est là?
Shift.’TisHarlequin: Pox on’t, is’t you?
Harl.Peace, here’sFetherfool, I’ll secure him, whilst you go about your Affair.[Ex.Shift.
Feth.Oh, I hear a Noise, dearHarlequinsecure me; ifI am discover’dI am undone—hold, hold—here’s a Door—[They both go in.
Scene changesto a Chamber, discovers theShe-Giantasleep in a great Chair.
EnterFetherfoolandHarlequin.
Feth.Hah—my Lady Monster! have I to avoidScyllarun uponCarybdis?—hah, she sleeps; now wou’d some magnanimous Lover make good Use of this Opportunity, take Fortune by the Fore-lock, put her to’t, and make sure Work—but Egad, he must have a better Heart, or a better Mistress than I.
Harl.Try your Strength, I’ll be civil and leave you.[InItalianhe still speaks.
Feth.Excuse me, Seignior, I should crackle like a wicker Bottle in her Arms—no, Seignior, there’s no venturing without a Grate between us: the Devil wou’d not give her due Benevolence—No, when I’m marry’d, I’ll e’en show her a fair pair of Heels, her Portion will pay Postage—But what if the Giant should carry her? that’s to be fear’d, then I have cock’d and drest, and fed, and ventur’d all this while for nothing.
Harl.Faith, Seignior, if I were you, I wou’d make sure of something, see how rich she is in Gems.
Feth.Right, as thou say’st, I ought to make sure of something, and she is rich in Gems: How amiable looks that Neck with that delicious row of Pearls about it.
Harl.She sleeps.
Feth.Ay, she sleeps as ’twere her last. What if I made bold to unrig her? So if I miss the Lady, I have at least my Charges paid: what vigorous Lover can resist her Charms?—[Looks on her.
But shou’d she wake and miss it, and find it about me, I shou’d be hang’d—[Turns away.
—So then, I lose my Lady too—but Flesh and Blood cannot resist—What if I left the Town? then I lose my Lady still; and who wou’d lose a Hog for the rest of the Proverb?—And yet a Bird in Hand, FriendNicholas—Yet sweet Meat may have sour Sauce—And yet refuse when Fortune offers—Yet Honesty’s a Jewel—But a Pox upon Pride, when Folks go naked—
Harl.Well said.[Incouraging him by Signs.
Feth.Ay—I’ll do’t—but what Remedy now against Discovery and Restitution?
Harl.Oh, Sir, take no care, you shall—swallow ’em.
Feth.How, swallow ’em! I shall ne’er be able to do’t.
Harl.I’ll shew you, Seignior,’tis easy.
Feth.’Gad that may be, ’twere excellent if I cou’d do’t; but first—by your leave.[Unties the Necklace, breaks the String, andHarl.swallows one to shew him.
Harl.Look ye, that’s all—
Feth.Hold, hold, Seignior, an you be so nimble, I shall pay dear for my Learning—let me see—FriendNicholas, thou hast swallow’d many a Pill for the Disease of theBody, let’s see what thou canst perform for that of the Purse.[Swallows ’em.
—so—a comfortable business this—three or four thousand pound in Cordial-Pearl: ’Sbud,Mark Anthonywas never so treated by hisEgyptianCrocodile—hah, what noise is that?
Harl.Operator, Operator, Seignior.
Feth.How, an Operator! why, what the Devil makes he here? some Plot upon my Lady’s Chastity; were I given to be jealous now, Danger wou’d ensue—Oh, he’s entring, I would not be seen for all the World. Oh, some place of Refuge—[Looking about.
Harl.I know of none.
Feth.Hah, what’s this—a Clock Case?
Harl.Good, good—look you, Sir, do you do thus, and ’tis impossible to discover ye.
[Goes into the Case, and shews him how to stand; thenFetherfoolgoes in, pulls off his Periwig, his Head out, turning for the Minutes o’th’ top: his Hand out, and his Fingers pointing to a Figure.
EnterShiftandHunt.
Feth.Oh Heaven, he’s here.
Shift.See where she sleeps; get you about your business, see your own little Marmoset and the Priest be ready, that we may marry and consummate before Day; and in the Morning our Friends shall see us abed together, give us the good morrow, and the Work’s done.[Ex.Hunt.
Feth.Oh Traytor to my Bed, what a Hellish Plot’s here discover’d![Shiftwakes theGiant.
Giant.Oh, are you come, my Sweetest?
Feth.Hah, the Mistress of my Bosom false too! ah, who wou’d trust faithless Beauty—oh that I durst speak.
Shift.Come let’s away, your Uncle and the rest of the House are fast asleep, let’s away e’er the two Fools, Blunt and Fetherfool, arrive.
Giant.Hang ’em, Pigeon-hearted Slaves—
Shift.A Clock—let’s see what hour ’tis—[Lifts up the Light to see,Feth.blows it out.
—How! betray’d—I’ll kill the Villain.[Draws.
Feth.Say you so, then ’tis time for me to uncase.
Shift.Have you your Lovers hid?[Gets out, all groping in the dark,Feth.gets theGiantby the Hand.
Giant.Softly, or we’re undone; give me your Hand, and be undeceiv’d.
Feth.’Tis she, now shall I be reveng’d.[Leads her out.
Shift.What, gone! Death, has this Monster got the Arts of Woman?[Harl.meets him in the dark, and plays tricks with him.
[Ex. all.
EnterWillmoreandLa Nucheby dark.
Will.Now we are safe and free, let’s in, my Soul, and gratefully first sacrifice to Love, then to the Gods of Mirth and Wine, my Dear.[Ex. passing over the Stage.
EnterBluntwithPetronella, imbracing her, his Sword in his Hand, and a Box of Jewels.
Pet.I was damnably afraid I was pursu’d.[Aside.
Blunt.Something in the Fray I’ve got, pray Heaven it prove a Prize, after my cursed ill luck of losing my Lady Dwarf: Why do you tremble, fair one?—you’re in the Hands of an honest Gentleman, Adshartlikins.
Pet.Alas, Sir, just as I approach! Seignior Doctor’s Door, to have my self surrounded with naked Weapons, then to drop with the fear my Casket of Jewels, which had not you by chance stumbled on and taken up, I had lost a hundred thousand Crowns with it.
Blunt.Ha um—a hundred thousand Crowns—a pretty trifling Sum—I’ll many her out of hand.[Aside.
Pet.This is anEnglishman, of a dull honest Nation, and might be manag’d to advantage, were but I transform’d now.[Aside.]I hope you are a Man of Honour; Sir, I am a Virgin, fledfrom the rage of an incens’d Brother; cou’d you but secure me with my Treasure, I wou’d be devoted yours.
Blunt.Secure thee! by this Light, sweet Soul, I’ll marry thee;—Belvile’sLady ran just so away with him—this must be a Prize—[Aside.]But hark—prithee, my Dear, step in a little, I’ll keep my good Fortune to my self.
Pet.See what trust I repose in your Hands, those Jewels, Sir.
Blunt.So—there can be no jilting here, I am secur’d from being cozen’d however.[Ex.Pet.
EnterFetherfool.
Feth.A Pox on all Fools, I say, and a double Pox on all fighting Fools; just when I had miraculously got my Monster by a mistake in the dark, convey’d her out, and within a moment of marrying her, to have my Friend set upon me, and occasion my losing her, was a Catastrophe which none but thy termagant Courage (which never did any Man good) cou’d have procur’d.
Blunt.’Dshartlikins, I cou’d kill my self.
Feth.To fight away a couple of such hopeful Monsters, and two Millions—’owns, was ever Valour so improvident?
Blunt.Your fighting made me mistake: for who the Pox wou’d have look’d forNicholas Fetherfoolin the person of a Hero?
Feth.Fight, ’Sbud, a Million of Money wou’d have provok’d a Bully; besides, I took you for the damn’d Rogue my Rival.
Blunt.Just as I had finish’d my Serenade, and had put up my Pipes to be gone, out stalk’d me your two-handed Lady, with a Man at her Girdle like a bunch of Keys, whom I taking for nothing less than some one who had some foul design upon the Gentlewoman, like a true Knight-Errant, did my best to rescue her.
Feth.Yes, yes, I feel you did, a Pox of your heavy hand.
Blunt.So whilst we two were lovingly cuffing each other, comes the Rival, I suppose, and carries off the Prize.
Feth.Who must be SeigniorLuciferhimself, he cou’d never have vanisht with that Celerity else with such a Carriage—But come, all we have to do is to raise the Mountebank and the Guardian, pursue the Rogues, have ’em hang’d by Law, for a Rape, and Theft, and then we stand fair again.
Blunt.Faith, you may, if you please, but Fortune has provided otherwise for me. [Aside.][Ex.Blu.andFeth.
EnterBeaumondandAriadne.
Beau.Sure none lives here, or Thieves are broken in, the Doors are all left open.
Aria.Pray Heaven this Stranger prove but honest now.[Aside.
Beau.Now, my dear Creature, every thing conspires to make us happy, let us not defer it.
Aria.Hold, dear Captain, I yield but on Conditions, which are these—I give you up a Maid of Youth and Beauty, ten thousand Pound in ready Jewels here—three times the value in Estate to come, of which here be the Writings, you delivering me a handsom proper fellow, Heart-whole and sound, that’s all—your Name I ask not till the Priest declare it, who is to seal the Bargain. I cannot deceive, for I let you know I am Daughter-in-law to theEnglishAmbassador.