1.Having mentioned absence of mind, let me be more particular concerning it.
What the world calls an absent man is generally either a very affected one or a very weak one; but whether weak or affected, he is, in company, a very disagreeable man. Lost in thought, or possibly in no thought at all, he is a stranger to every one present, and to every thing that passes; he knows not his best friends, is deficient in every act of good manners, unobservant of the actions of the company, and insensible to his own.
2.His answers are quite the reverse of what they ought to be; talk to him of one thing, he replies, as of another. He forgets what he said last, leaves his hat in one room, his cane in another, and his sword in a third; nay, if it was not for his buckles, he would even leave his shoes behind him. Neither his arms nor his legs seem to be a part of his body, and his head is never in a right position. He joins not in the general conversation, except it be by fits and starts, as if awaking from a dream; I attribute this either to weakness or affectation.
3.His shallow mind is possibly not able to attend to more than one thing at a time, or he would be supposed wrapt up in the investigation of some very important matter. Such men as SirIsaac Newtonor Mr.Locke, might occasionally have some excuse for absence of mind; it might proceed from that intenseness of thought that was necessary at all times for the scientific subjects they were studying; but, for a young man, and a man of the world, who has no such plea to make, absence of mind is a rudeness to the company, and deserves the severest censure.
4.However insignificant a company may be; however trifling their conversation; while you are with them, do not shew them by any inattention that you think them trifling; that can never be the way to please; but rather fall in with their weakness than otherwise, for to mortify, or shew the least contempt to those we are in company with, is the greatest rudeness we can be guilty of; and what few can forgive.
5.I never yet found a man inattentive to the person he feared, or the woman he loved; which convinces me that absence of mind is to be got the better of, if we think proper to make the trial; and believe me, it is always worth the attempt.
Absence of mind is a tacit declaration, that those we are in company with are not worth attending to; and what can be a greater affront?—Besides, can an absent man improve by what is said or done in his presence?—No; he may frequent the best companies for years together, and all to no purpose. In short, a man is neither fit for business nor conversation, unless he can attend to the object before him, be that object what it will.
1.A knowledge of the world, by our own experience and observation, is so necessary, that without it we shall act very absurdly, and frequently give offence when we do not mean it. All the learning and parts in the world will not secure us from it. Without an acquaintance with life, a man may say very good things, but time them so ill, and address them so improperly, that he had much better be silent. Full of himself and his own business, and inattentive to the circumstances and situations of those he converses with, he vents it without the least discretion, says things that he ought not to say, confutes some, shocks others, and puts the whole company in pain, lest what he utters next should prove worse than the last. The best direction I can give you in this matter, is, rather to fall in with the conversation of others, than start a subject of your own: rather strive to put them more in conceit with themselves, than to draw their attention to you.
2.A novice in life, he who knows little of mankind, but what he collects from books, lays it down as a maxim, that most men love flattery; in order therefore to please, he will flatter: but, how? Without regard either to circumstances or occasions. Instead of those delicate touches, those soft tints, that serve to heighten the piece, he lays on his colours with a heavy hand, and daubs where he means to adorn: in other words, he will flatter so unseasonably, and, at the same time, so grossly, that while he wishes to please he puts out of countenance and is sure to offend. On the contrary, a man of the world, one who has made life his study, knows the power of flattery as well as he; but then he knows how to apply it; he watches the opportunity, and does it indirectly, by inference, comparison and hint.
3.Man is made up of such a variety of matter, that, to search him thoroughly, requires time and attention; for, though we are all made of the same materials, and have all the same passions, yet, from a difference in their proportion and combination, we vary in our dispositions; what is agreeable to one is disagreeable to another, and what one shall approve, another shall condemn. Reason is given us to controul these passions, but seldom does it. Application therefore to the reason of any man will frequently prove ineffectual, unless we endeavour at the same time to gain his heart.
4.Wherever then you are, search into the characters of men; find out, if possible, their foible, their governing; passion, or their particular merit; take them on their weak side, and you will generally succeed: their prevailing vanity you may readily discover, by observing; their favourite topic of conversation, for every one talks most of what he would be thought most to excel in.
5.The time should also be judiciously made choice of. Every man has his particular times when he may be applied to with success, themollia tempora fandi: but these times are not all the day long; they must be found out, watched, and taken advantage of. You could not hope for success in applying to a man about one business, when he was taken up with another, or when his mind was affected with excess of grief, anger, or the like.
6.You cannot judge of other men's minds better than by studying your own; for, though some men have one foible, and another has another, yet men, in general, are very much alike. Whatever pleases or offends you, will in similar circumstances, please or offend others; if you find yourself hurt when another, makes you feel his superiority, you will certainly, upon the common rule of right,do as you would be done by, take care not to let another feel your superiority, if you have it, especially if you wish to gain his interest or esteem.
7.If disagreeable insinuations, open contradictions, or oblique sneers vex and anger you, would you use them where you wished to please? certainly not. Observe then with care the operations of your own mind; and you may in a great measure read all mankind.
Iwill allow that one bred up in a cloister or college, may reason well on the structure of the human mind; he may investigate the nature of man, and give a tolerable account of his head, his heart, his passions; and his sentiments: but at the same time he may know nothing of him; he has not lived with him, and of course can know but little how those sentiments or those passions will work; he must be ignorant of the various prejudices, propensities and antipathies, that always bias him and frequently determine him.
8.His knowledge is acquired only from theory, which differs widely from practice; and if, he forms his judgment from that alone, he must be often deceived; whereas a man of the world, one who collects his knowledge from his own experience and observation, is seldom wrong; he is well acquainted with the operations of the human mind, prys into the heart of man, reads his-words before they are utttered, sees his actions before they are performed, knows what will please, and what will displease; and foresees the event of most things.
9.Labour then to require this intuitive knowledge; attend carefully to the address, the arts and manners of those acquainted with life, and endeavour to imitate them. Observe the means they take to gain the favour, and conciliate the affections of those they associate with; pursue those means, and you will soon gain the esteem of all that know you.
How often have we seen men governed by persons very much their inferiors in point of understanding, and even without their knowing it? A proof that some men have more worldly dexterity than others; they find out the weak and unguarded part, make their attack there, and the man surrenders.
10.Now from a knowledge of mankind we shall learn the advantage of two things, the command of our temper and our countenance: a trifling, disagreeable incident shall perhaps anger one unacquainted withlife, or confound him with same; shall make him rave like a madman, or look like a fool: but a man of the world will never understand what he cannot or ought not to resent. If he should chance to make a slip himself, he will stifle his confusion, and turn it off with a jest; recovering it with coolness.
11.Many people have sense enough to keep their own secrets; but from being unused to a variety of company, have unfortunately such a tell-tale countenance, as involuntarily declares what they would wish to conceal. This is a great unhappiness; and should as soon as possible be got the better of.
That coolness of mind and evenness of countenance, which prevents a discovery of our sentiments, by our words, our actions, or our looks, is too necessary to pass unnoticed.
12.A man who cannot hear displeasing things, without visible marks of anger or uneasiness; or pleasing ones, without a sudden burst of joy, a cheerful eye, or an expanded face, is at the mercy of every knave: for either they will designedly please or provoke you themselves, to catch your unguarded looks; or they will seize the opportunity thus to read your very heart, when any other shall do it. You may possibly tell me, that this coolness must be natural, for if not, you can never acquire it.
13.I will admit the force of constitution, but people are very apt to blame that for many things they might readily avoid. Care, with a little reflection, will soon give you this mastery of your temper and your countenance. If you find yourself subject to sudden starts of passion, determine with yourself not to utter a single word till your reason has recovered itself; and resolve to keep your countenance as unmoved as possible.
14.As a man who at a card-table can preserve a serenity in his looks, under good or bad luck, has considerably the advantage of one who appears elated with success, or cast down with ill fortune, from our being able to read his cards in his face; so the man of the world, having to deal with one of these babbling countenances, will take care to profit by the circumstance, let the consequence, to him with whom he deals, be as injurious as it may.
15.In the course of life, we shall find it necessary very often to put on a pleasing countenance when, we are exceedingly displeased; we must frequently seem friendly when we are quite otherwise. I am sensible it is difficult to accost a man with smiles whom we know to be our enemy: but what is to be done? On receiving an affront if you cannot be justified in knocking the offender down, you must not notice the offence; for in the eye of the world, taking an affront calmly is considered as cowardice.
16.If fools should at any time attempt to be witty upon you, the best way is not to know their witticisms are levelled at you, but to conceal any uneasiness it may give you: but, should they be so plain that you cannot be thought ignorant of their meaning, I would recommend, rather than quarrel with the company, joining even in the laugh against yourself: allow the jest to be a good one, and take it in seeming good humour. Never attempt to retaliate the same way, as that would imply you were hurt. Should what is said wound your honour or your moral character, there is but one proper reply, which I hope you will never be obliged to have recourse to.
17.Remember there are but two alternatives for a gentleman; extreme politeness, or the sword. If a man openly and designedly affronts you, call him oat; but if it does not amount to an open insult, be outwardly civil; if this does not make him ashamed of his behaviour, it will prejudice every by-stander in your favour, and instead of being disgraced, you will come off with honour. Politeness to those we do not respect, is no more a breach of faith thanyour humble servantat the bottom of a challenge; they are universally understood to be things of course.
18.Wrangling and quarreling are characteristics of a weak mind: leave that to the women, beyoualways above it. Enter into no sharp contest, and pride yourself in shewing, if possible, more civility to your antagonist than to any other in the company; this will infallibly bring over all the laughter to your side, and the person you are contending with will be very likely to confess you have behaved very handsomely throughout the whole affair.
19.Experience will teach us that though all men consist principally of the same materials, as I before took notice, yet from a difference in their proportion, no two men are uniformly the same: we differ from one another, and we often differ from ourselves, that is, we sometimes do things utterly inconsistent with the general tenor of our characters. The wisest man will occasionally do a weak thing: the most honest man, a wrong thing; the proudest man, a mean thing; and the worst of men will sometimes do a good thing.
20.On this account, our study of mankind should not be general; we should take a frequent view of individuals, and though we may upon the whole form a judgment of the man from his prevailing passion or his general character, yet it will be prudent not to determine, till we have waited to see the operation of his subordinate appetites and humours.
21.For example; a man's general character maybe that of strictly honest; I would not dispute it, because I would not be thought envious or malevolent; but I would not rely upon this general character, so as to entrust him with my fortune or my life. Should this honest man, as is not common, be my rival in power, interest, or love, he may possibly do things that in other circumstances he would abhor; and power, interest, and love, let me tell you, will often put honesty to the severest trial, and frequently overpower it. I would then ransack this honest man to the bottom, if I wished to trust him, and as I found him, would place my confidence accordingly.
22.One of the great compositions in our nature is vanity, to which, all men, more or less, give way. Women have an intolerable share of it. So flattery, no adulation is too gross for them; those who flatter them most please them best, and they are most in love with him who pretends to be most in love with them; and the least slight or contempt of them is never forgotten. It is in some measure the same with men; they will sooner pardon an injury than an insult, and are more hurt by contempt than by ill-usage. Though all men do not boast of superior talents, though they pretend not to the abilities of aPope, aNewton, or aBollingbroke, every one pretends to have common sense, and to discharge his office in life with common decency; to arraign therefore, in any shape, his abilities or integrity in the department he holds, is an insult he will not readily forgive.
23.As I would not have you trust too implicitly to a man, because the world gives him a good character; so I must particularly caution you against those who speak well of themselves. In general, suspect those who boast of or affect to have any one virtue above all others, for they are commonly impostors. There are exceptions, however, to this rule, for we hear of prudes that have been made chaste, bullies that have been brave, and saints that have been religious. Confide only where your own observation shall direct you; observe not only what is said, but how it is said, and if you have penetration, you may find out the truth better by your eyes than your ears; in short, never take a character upon common report, but enquire into it yourself; for common report, though it is right in general, may be wrong in particulars.
24.Beware of those who, on a slight acquaintance, make a tender of their friendship, and seem to place a confidence in you; 'tis ten to one but they deceive and betray you: however, do not rudely reject them upon such a supposition; you may be civil to them, though you do not entrust them. Silly men are apt to solicit your friendship, and unbosom themselves upon the first acquaintance: such friends cannot be worth hearing, their friendship being as slender as their understanding; and if they proffer their friendship with a design to make a property of you, they are dangerous acquaintance indeed.
25.Not but the little friendships of the weak may be of some use to you, if you do not return the compliment; and it may not be amiss to seem to accept those of designing men, keeping them, as it were, in play, that they may not be openly your enemies; for their enmity is the next dangerous thing to their friendship. We may certainly hold their vices in abhorrence, without being marked out as their personal enemy. The general rule is to have a real reserve with almost every one, and a seeming reserve with almost no one; for it is very disgusting to seem reserved, and very dangerous not to be so. Few observe the true medium. Many are ridiculously misterious upon trifles and many indiscreetly communicative of all they know.
26.There is a kind of short-lived friendship that takes place among young men, from a connection in their pleasures only; a friendship too often attended with bad consequences. This companion of your pleasures, young and unexperienced, will probably, in the heat of convivial mirth, vow a perpetual friendship, and unfold himself to you without the least reserve; but new associations, change of fortune, or change of place, may soon break this ill-timed connection, and an improper use may be made of it.
27.Be one, if you will, in young companies, and bear your part like others in the social festivity of youth; nay, trust them with your innocent frolics, but keep your serious matters to yourself; and if you must at any time makethemknown, let it be to some tried friend of great experience; and that nothing may tempt him to become your rival, let that friend be in a different walk of life from yourself.
Were I to hear a man making strong protestations, and swearing to the truth of a thing, that is in itself probable, and very likely to be, I shall doubt his veracity; for when he takes such pains to make me believe it, it cannot be with a good design.
28.There is a certain easiness or false modesty in most young people, that either makes them unwilling, or ashamed to refuse any thing that is asked of them. There is also an unguarded openness about them, that makes them the ready prey of the artful and designing. They are easily led away by the feigned friendships of a knave or a fool, and too rashly place a confidence in them, that terminates in their loss, and frequently in their ruin. Beware, therefore, as I said before, of these proffered friendships; repay them with compliments, but not with confidence. Never let your vanity make you suppose that people become your friends upon a slight acquaintance: for good offices must be shewn on both sides to create a friendship; it will not thrive, unless its love be mutual; and it requires time to ripen it.
29.There is still among young people another kind of friendship merely nominal, warm indeed for the time, but fortunately of no long continuance. This friendship takes its rise from their pursuing the same course of riot and debauchery; their purses are open to each other, they tell one another all they know, they embark in the same quarrels, and stand by each other on all occasions. I should rather call this a confederacy against good morals and good manners, and think it deserves the severest lash of the law; but they have the impudence to call it friendship. However, it is often as suddenly dissolved as it is hastily contracted; some accident disperses them, and they presently forget each other, except it is to betray and laugh at their own egregious folly.
In short, the sum of the whole is, to make a wide difference between companions and friend; for a very agreeable companion has often proved a very dangerous friend.
1.The next thing to the choice of friends is the choice of your company.
Endeavour as much as you can to keep good company, and the company of your superiors: for you will be held in estimation according to the company you keep. By superiors I do not mean so much with regard to birth, as merit and the light in which they are considered by the world.
2.There are two sorts of good company; the one consists of persons of birth, rank, and fashion; the other of those who are distinguished by some peculiar merit, in any liberal art or science; as men of letters, &c. and a mixture of these is what I would have understood by good company; for it is not what particular sets of people shall call themselves, but what the people in general acknowledge to be so, and are the accredited good company of the place.
3.Now and then, persons without either birth, rank, or character, will creep into good company, under the protection of some considerable personage; but, in general, none are admitted of mean degree, or infamous moral character.
In this fashionable good company alone, can you learn the best manners and the best language, for, as there is no legal standard to form them by, 'tis here they are established.
It may possibly be questioned whether a man has it always in his power to get into good company: undoubtedly, by deserving it, he has; provided he is in circumstances which enable him to live and appear in the style of a gentleman. Knowledge, modesty, and good-breeding, will endear him to all that see him; for without politeness, the scholar is no better than a pedant, the philosopher than a cynic, the soldier than a brute, nor any man than a clown.
4.Though the company of men of learning and genius is highly to be valued, and occasionally coveted, I would by no means have you always found in such company. As they do not live in the world, they cannot have that easy manner and address which I would wish you to acquire. If you can bear a part in such company, it is certainly adviseable to be in it sometimes, and you will be the more esteemed in other company by being so; but let it not engross you, lest you be considered as one of theliterati, which, however respectable in name, is not the way to rise or shine in the fashionable world.
5.But the company, which, of all others, you should carefully avoid, is that, which, in every sense of the word, may be calledlow; low in birth, low in rank, low in parts, and low in manners; that company, who, insignificant and contemptible in themselves, think it an honour to be seen withyou, and who will flatter your follies, nay, your very vices, to keep you with them.
6.Thoughyoumay think such a caution unnecessary,Ido not; for many a young gentleman of sense and rank has been led by his vanity to keep such company, till he has been degraded, villified and undone.
The vanity I mean, is that of being the first of the company. This pride, though too common, is idle to the last degree. Nothing in the world lets a man down so much. For the sake of dictating, being applauded and admired by this low company, he is disgraced and disqualified for better. Depend upon it, in the estimation of mankind you will sink or rise to the level of the company you keep.
7.Be it then your ambition to get into the best company; and, when there, imitate their virtues, but not their vices. You have no doubt, often heard of genteel and fashionable vices. These are whoring, drinking, and gaming. It has happened that some men even with these vices, have been admired and esteemed. Understand this matter rightly; it is not their vices for which they are admired; but for some accomplishments they at the same time possess; for their parts, their learning, or their good-breeding. Be assured, were they free from their vices, they would be much more esteemed. In these mixed characters, the bad part is overlooked, for the sake of the good.
8.Should you be unfortunate enough to have any vices of your own, add not to their number by adopting the vices of others. Vices of adoption are of all others the most unpardonable, for they have not inadvertency to plead. If people had no vices but their own, few would have so many as they have.
Imitate, then, only the perfections you meet with; copy the politeness, the address, the easy manners of well-bred people; and remember, let them shine ever so bright, if they have any vices, they are so many blemishes, which it would be as ridiculous to imitate, as it would to make an artificial wart on one's face, because some very handsome man had the misfortune to have a natural one upon his.
1.Let us now descend to minuter matters, which, tho' not so important as those we have mentioned, are still far from inconsiderable. Of these laughter is one.
Frequent and loud laughter is a sure sign of a weak mind, and no less characteristic of a low education. It is the manner in which low-bred men express their silly joy, at silly things, and they call it being merry.
2.I do not recommend upon all occasions a solemn countenance. A man may smile; but if he would be thought a gentleman and a man of sense, he would by no means laugh. True wit never yet made a man of fashion laugh; he is above it. It may create a smile; but as loud laughter shews that a man has not the command of himself, every one who would with to appear sensible, must abhor it.
A man's going to set down, on a supposition that he has a chair behind him, and falling for want of one, occasions a general laugh, when the best piece of wit would not do it: a sufficient proof how low and unbecoming laughter is.
3.Besides, could the immoderate laugher hear his own noise, or see the face he makes, he would despise himself for his folly. Laughter being generally supposed to be the effect of gaity, its absurdity is not properly attended to; but a little reflection will easily restrain it, and when you are told it is a mark of low-breeding, I persuade myself you will endeavour to avoid it.
4.Some people have a silly trick of laughing whenever they speak, so that they are always on the grin, and their faces are ever distorted. This and a thousand other tricks, such as scratching their heads, twirling their hats, fumbling with their button, playing with their fingers, &c. are acquired from a false modesty at their first out-set in life. Being shame-faced in company, they try a variety of ways to keep themselves in countenance; thus, they fall into those awkward habits I have mentioned, which grow upon them, and in time become habitual.
Nothing is more repugnant likewise to good-breeding than horse-play of any sort, romping, throwing things at one another's heads, and so on. They may pass well enough with the mob; but they lessen and degrade the gentleman.
1.I have had reason to observe before, that various little matters, apparently trifling in themselves, conspire to form thewholeof pleasing, as in a well-finished portrait, a variety of colours combine to complete the piece. It not being necessary to dwell much upon them, I shall content myself with just mentioning them as they occur.
2.To do the honours of a table gracefully, is one of the outlines of a well-bred man; and to carve well, is an article, little as it may seem, that is useful twice every day, and the doing of which ill is not only troublesome to one's self, but renders us disagreeable and ridiculous to others. We are always in pain for a man who, instead of cutting up a fowl genteelly, is hacking for half an hour across the bone, greasing himself, and bespattering the company with the sauce. Use, with a little attention, is all that is requisite to acquit yourself well in this particular.
3.To be well received, you must also pay some attention to your behaviour at table, where it is exceedingly rude to scratch any part of your body; to spit, or blow your nose, if you can possibly avoid it, to eat greedily, to lean your elbows on the table, to pick your teeth before the dishes are removed, or to leave the table before grace is said.
4.Drinking of healths is now growing out of fashion, and is very unpolite in good company. Custom once had made it universal, but the improved manners of the age now render it vulgar. What can be more rude or ridiculous, than to interrupt persons at their meals with an unnecessary compliment? Abstain then from this silly custom, where you find it out of use; and use it only at those tables where it continues general.
5.A polite manner of refusing to comply with the solicitations of a company, is also very necessary to be learnt, for a young man who seems to have no will of his own, but does every thing that is asked of him, may be a very good-natured fellow, but he is a very silly one. If you are invited to drink at any man's house, more than you think is wholesome, you may say, "you wish you could, but that so little makes you both drunk and sick, that you shall only be bad company by doing it: of course beg to be excused."
6.If desired to play at cards deeper than you would, refuse it ludicrously; tell them, "If you were sure to lose, you might possibly sit down; but that as fortune may be favourable, you dread the thought of having too much money, ever since you found what an incumbrance it was to poor Harlequin, and therefore you are resolved never to put yourself in the way of winning more than such and such a sum a day." This light way of declining invitations to vice and folly, is more becoming a young man, than philosophical or sententious refusals, which would only be laughed at.
7.Now I am on the subject of cards, I must not omit mentioning the necessity of playing them well and genteelly, if you would be thought to have kept good company. I would by no means recommend playing at cards as a part of your study, lest you should grow too fond of it, and the consequences prove bad. It were better not to know a diamond from a club, than to become a gambler; but, as custom has introduced innocent card playing at most friendly meetings, it marks the gentleman to handle them genteelly, and play them well; and as I hope you will play only for small sums, should you lose your money pray lose it with temper: or win, receive your winnings without either elation or greediness.
8.To write well and correct, and in a pleasing style, is another part of polite education. Every man who has the use of his eyes and his right hand, can write whatever hand he pleases. Nothing is so illiberal as a school-boy's scrawl. I would not have you learn a stiff formal hand-writing, like that of a school-master, but a genteel, legible, and liberal hand, and to be able to write quick. As to the correctness and elegancy of your writing, attention to grammar does the one, and to the best authors, the other. Epistolary correspondence should not be carried on in a studied or affected style, but the language should flow from the pen, as naturally and as easily as it would from the mouth. In short, a letter should be penned in the same style as you would talk to your friend, if he was present.
9.If writing well shews the gentleman, much more so does spelling well. It is so essentially necessary for a gentleman, or a man of letters, that one false spelling may fix a ridicule on him for the remainder of his life. Words in books are generally well spelled, according to the orthography of the age; reading, therefore, with attention, will teach every one to spell right. It sometimes happens, that words shall be spelled differently by different authors; but, if you spell them upon the authority of one in estimation of the public, you will escape ridicule. Where there is but one way of spelling a word, by your spelling it wrong, you will be sure to be laughed at. For awomanof a tolerable education would laugh at and despise her lover, if he wrote to her, and the words were ill-spelled. Be particularly attentive, then, to your spelling.
10.There is nothing that a man at his first appearance in life ought more to dread than having any ridicule fixed on him. In the estimation even of the most rational men, it will not only lessen him, but ruin him with all the rest. Many a man has been undone by a ridiculous nick-name. The causes of nick-names among well-bred men, are generally the little defects in manner, air, or address. To have the appellation of ill-bred, aukward, muttering, left-legged, or any other tacked always to your name, would injure you more than you are aware of; avoid then these little defects (and they are easily avoided) and you need never fear a nick-name.
11.Some young men are apt to think, that they cannot be complete gentlemen, without becoming men of pleasure. A rake is made up of the meanest and most disgraceful vices. They all combine to degrade his character, and ruin his health, and fortune. A man of pleasure will refine upon the enjoyments of the age, attend them with decency, and partake of them becomingly.
12.Indeed he is too often less scrupulous than he should be, and frequently has cause to repent it. A man of pleasure, at best, is but a dissipated being, and what the rational part of mankind most abhor; I mention it, however, lest, in taking, up the man of pleasure, you should fall into the rake; for, of two evils, always chuse the least. A dissolute flagitious footman may make as good a rake as a man of the first quality. Few man can be men of pleasure; every man may be a rake.
13.There is a certain dignity that should be preserved in all our pleasures; in love, a man may lose his heart, without losing his nose; at table a man may have a distinguished palate, without being a glutton; he may love wine without being a drunkard; he may game without being a gambler, and so on.
14.Every virtue has its kindred vice, and every pleasure its neighbouring disgrace. Temperance and moderation mark the gentleman, but excess the blackguard. Attend carefully, then, to the line that divides them; and remember, stop rather a yard short, than step an inch beyond it. Weigh the present enjoyment of your pleasures against the necessary consequences of them, and I will leave you to your own determination.
15.A gentleman has ever some regard also to thechoiceof his amusements. If at cards, he will not be seen at cribbage, all-fours, or putt; or, in sports of exercise, at skittles, foot-ball, leap-frog, cricket, driving of coaches, &c. but will preserve a propriety in every part of his conduct; knowing, that any imitation of the manners of the mob, will unavoidably stamp him with vulgarity. There is another amusement too, which I cannot help calling illiberal, that is, playing upon any musical instrument.
16.Music is commonly reckoned one of the liberal arts, and undoubtedly is so; but to be piping or fiddling at a concert, is degrading to a man of fashion. If you love music, hear it; pay fiddlers to play to you, but never fiddle yourself. It makes a gentleman appear frivolous and contemptible, leads him frequently into bad company, and wastes that time which might otherwise be well employed.
17.Secrecy is another characteristic of good-breeding. Be careful not to tell in one company, what you see or hear in another; much less to divert the present company at the expense of the last. Things apparently indifferent may, when often repeated and told abroad, have much more serious consequences than imagined. In conversation there is generally a tacit reliance, that what is said will not be repeated; and a man, though not enjoined to secrecy, will be excluded company, if found to be a tattler; besides, he will draw himself into a thousand scrapes, and every one will be afraid to speak before him.
18.Pulling out your watch in company unasked, either at home or abroad, is a mark of ill-breeding; if at home, it appears as if you were tired of your company, and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours drag heavily, and you wished to be gone yourself. If you want to know the time, withdraw; besides, as the taking what is called a French leave was introduced, that on one person's leaving the company the rest might not be disturbed, looking at your watch does what that piece of politeness was designed to prevent: it is a kind of dictating to all present, and telling them it is time, or almost time, to break up.
19.Among other things, let me caution you against ever being in a hurry; a man of sense may be in haste, but he is never in a hurry; convinced, that hurry is the surest way to make him do what he undertakes ill. To be in a hurry, is a proof that the business we embark in is too great for us; of course, it is the mark of little minds, that are puzzled and perplexed when they should be cool and deliberate; they wish to do every thing at once, and are thus able to do nothing. Be steady, then, in all your engagements; look round you before you begin; and remember, that you had better do half of them well, and leave the rest undone, than to do the whole indifferently.
20.From a kind of false modesty, most young men are apt to consider familiarity as unbecoming. Forwardness I allow is so; but there is a decent familiarity that is necessary in the course of life. Mere formal visits, upon formal invitations, are not the thing; they create no connection, nor will they prove of service to you; it is the careless and easy ingress and egress, at all hours, that secures an acquaintance to our interest, and this is acquired by a respectful familiarity entered into, without forfeiting your consequence.
21.In acquiring new acquaintance, be careful not to neglect your old, for a slight of this kind is seldom forgiven. If you cannot be with your former acquaintance so often as you used to be, while you had no others, take care not to give them cause to think you neglect them; call upon them frequently though you cannot stay long with them; tell them you are sorry to leave them so soon, and nothing should take you away but certain engagements which good manners obliged you to attend to; for it will be your interest to make all the friends you can, and as few enemies as possible.
22.By friends, I would not be understood to mean confidential ones; but persons who speak of you respectfully, and who, consistent with their own interest, would wish to be of service to you, and would rather do you good than harm.
Another thing I must recommend to you, as characteristic of a polite education, and of having kept good company, is a graceful manner of conferring favours. The most obliging things may be done so aukwardly as to offend, while the most disagreeable things may be done so agreeable as to please.
23.A few more articles of general advice, and I have done; the first is on the subject of vanity. It is the common failing of youth, and as such ought to be carefully guarded against. The vanity I mean, is that which, if given way to, stamps a man a coxcomb, a character he will find a difficulty to get rid of, perhaps as long as he lives. Now this vanity shews itself in a variety of shapes; one man shall pride himself in taking the lead in all conversations, and peremptorily deciding upon every subject; another, desirous of appearing successful among the women, shall insinuate the encouragement he has met with, the conquests he makes, and perhaps boasts of favours he never received; if he speaks the truth, he is ungenerous; if false, he is a villain; but whether true or false, he defeats his own purposes, overthrows the reputation he wishes to erect, and draws upon himself contempt in the room of respect.
24.Some men are vain enough to think they acquire consequence by alliance, or by an acquaintance with persons of distinguished character or abilities: hence they are eternally taking of their grand-father, Lord such-a-one; their kinsman, Sir William such-a-one; or their intimate friend, Dr. such-a-one, with whom, perhaps, they are scarce acquainted. If they are ever found out (and that they are sure to be one time or other) they become ridiculous and contemptible; but even admitting what they say to be true, what then? A man's intrinsic merit does not arise from an ennobled alliance, or a reputable acquaintance.
25.A rich man never borrows. When angling for praise, modesty is the surest bait. If we would wish to shine in any particular character, we must never affect that character. An affectation of courage will make a man pass for a bully; an affectation of wit, for a coxcomb; and an affectation of sense, for a fool. Not that I would recommend bashfulness or timidity; no: I would have every one know his own value, yet not discover that he knows it, but leave his merit to be found out by others.
26.Another thing worth your attention is, if in company with an inferior, not to let him feel his inferiority; if he discovers it himself without your endeavours, the fault is not yours, and he will not blame you; but if you take pains to mortify him, or to make him feel himself inferior to you in abilities, fortune, or rank, it is an insult that will not readily be forgiven. In point of abilities, it would be unjust, as they are out of his power; in point of rank or fortune, it is ill-natured and ill-bred.
27.This rule is never more necessary than at table, where there cannot be a greater insult than to help an inferior to a part he dislikes, or a part that may be worse than ordinary, and to take the best to yourself. If you at any time invite an inferior to your table, you put him during the time he is there upon an equality with you, and it is an act of the highest rudeness to treat him in any respect slightingly. I would rather double my attention to such a person, and treat him with additional respect, lest he should even suppose himself neglected.
28.There cannot be a greater savageness or cruelty, or any thing more degrading to a man of fashion, than to put upon, or take unbecoming liberties with him, whose modesty, humility, or respect, will not suffer him to retaliate. True politeness consists in making every body happy about you; and as to mortify is to render unhappy, it can be nothing but the worst of breeding. Make it a rule, rather to flatter a person's vanity than otherwise; make him, if possible, more in love with himself, and you will be certain to gain his esteem; never tell him any thing he may not like to hear, nor say things that will put him out of countenance, but let it be your study on all occasions to please: this will be making friends instead of enemies; and be a means of serving yourself in the end.
29.Never be witty at the expense of any one present, to gratify that idle inclination which is too strong in most young men, I mean, laughing at, or ridiculing the weaknesses or infirmities of others, by way of diverting the company, or displaying your own superiority. Most people have their weaknesses, their peculiar likings and aversions. Some cannot bear the sight of a cat; others the smell of cheese, and so on; was you to laugh at those men for their antipathies, or by design or inattention to bring them in their way, you could not insult them more.
30.You may possibly thus gain the laugh on your side for the present, but it will make the person, perhaps, at whose expense you are merry, your enemy for ever after; and even those who laugh with you, will, on a little reflection, fear you, and probably despise you: whereas to procure whatonelikes, and to remove what theotherhates, would shew them that they were objects of your attention, and possibly make them more your friends than much greater services would have done.
31.If you have wit, use it to please, but not to hurt. You may shine, but take care not to scorch. In short, never seem to see the faults of others. Though among the mass of men there are, doubtless, numbers of fools and knaves, yet were we to tell every one of these we meet with that we knew them to be so, we should be in perpetual war. I would detest the knave and pity the fool, wherever I found him, but I would let neither of them know unnecessarily that I did so; as I would not be industrious to make myself enemies. As one must please others then, in order to be pleased one's self, consider what is agreeable to you must be agreeable to them, and conduct yourself accordingly.
32.Whispering in company is another act of ill-breeding; it seems to insinuate either that the persons whom we would not wish should hear, are unworthy of our confidence, or it may lead them to suppose we are speaking improperly of them; on both accounts, therefore, abstain from it.
So pulling out one letter after another, and reading them in company, or cutting or pairing one's nails, is unpolite and rude. It seems to say, we are weary of the conversation, and are in want of some amusement to pass away the time.
33.Humming a tune to ourselves, drumming with our fingers on the table, making a noise with our feet, and such like, are all breaches of good manners, and indications of our contempt for the persons present; therefore they should hot be indulged.
Walking fast in the streets is a mark of vulgarity, implying hurry of business; it may appear well in a mechanic or tradesman, but suits ill with the character of a gentleman or a man of fashion.
Staring any person you meet, full in the face, is an act also of ill-breeding; it looks as if you saw something wonderful in his appearance, and is, therefore, a tacit reprehension.
34.Eating quick, or very slow, at meals, is characteristic of the vulgar; the first infers poverty, that you have not had a good meal for some time; the last, if abroad, that you dislike your entertainment; if at home, that you are rude enough to set before your friends, what you cannot eat yourself. So again, eating your soups with your nose in the plate, is vulgar; it has the appearance of being used to hard work; and of course an unsteady hand.