CHAP.XIII.
HowBumbodiscoursed withJohn Bull’s Nurse, and found her not so great a fool as he thought her.
Bumbo, without staying to speak with any body, went straight to the nurse’s closet, where he found her very melancholy, lamenting her connection with such a fool as Hubble-bubble, and not much comforted with the thought of having nobody now to trust to but Bumbo. However, as the saying is, a drowning man will catch at a straw; whenever he appeared, she got up and embraced him. Which he understanding to be as much as to say, Mydear major-domo, I am glad to see you, was going to thank her, when she broke out into a perfect rage against sister Peg and her family.
What, says she, is the meaning of this impertinent saucy letter, you have sent from your house toMr.Bull? have I not enough to do with his own humours and his freaks, without your refreshing his memory, and pretending to copy after him like the ass in Æsop? Set you up, indeed! we should bring our matters to a fine pass, if we minded all your letters and remonstrances.
I hope your ladyship, says Bumbo, does not imagine that I had any hand in writing that letter, or would put any thing in Peg’s head, which I knew to beso disagreeable to your ladyship; indeed, I could not shew myself any where, without the hazard of being absolutely worried by the people who were for writing that insolent letter.
What shall we do then? says the nurse; if that vixen is so much bent upon this whim, Mrs. Bull cannot possibly refuse her husband’s own sister, what the world will call so poor a favour; it would look like mere jealousy and spleen, and might breed heart-burnings between the two families.
HereMr.Bumbo, perceiving the good woman’s extreme distress, thought how he best might comfort her, and thereby turn the discourse to the affair of his own major-domo-ship. My dear madam, says he, don’t be uneasy; thisletter was written by a parcel of Geoffrites, of whom I have a list in my pocket; the few Thomists that are in that house, would sooner be hanged than do any thing so disagreeable to your ladyship.
Yours are right Thomists, says the nurse; ours here are more troublesome about those matters, than any body; but assure me, says she, that this letter is a forgery, and I shall love you as long I breathe.
A mere forgery upon my salvation, says Bumbo.
Well said, says she, what comfort you give me! Let us away to Mrs. Bull, and have those forgers tried to the utmost.
Before your ladyship goes, says Bumbo, I have a little affair to mention: your ladyship knows, that the major-domo is dead, may not I presume to hope, that your ladyship will do me a good office with Sir Thomas on this occasion?
Assure yourself that you shall be major-domo, says the nurse; but you must not go, till Mrs. Bull has heard your evidence about the forgery.
Upon my honour and reputation, says Bumbo, there is no occasion; the forgery will appear quite plain, every word of it forged, as I declare to you; but that unnatural woman was persuaded to desire me to second her application, and your ladyship knows, that even a major-domo leads but a dog’s-life, ifthe mistress and every body be against him. There is Small-Trash, the Laird of Lick-pelf’s brother, will give his oath about the forgery; and that is the same thing as if I did it myself, for every body knows that we always swear the same things.
I don’t understand your scruples now says the nurse; would any woman desire you to second a forged application? Besides nobody ever heard of Small-Trash; and we cannot be answerable for trusting his evidence. Stay, stay, my dear major-domo, and give us your own proper evidence in this important point of forgery.
I pray, says Bumbo, that your ladyship would consider my straits; I dare not say a word about Geoffrites; everybody will roar, and say, they knew what was a coming; nor dare I speak my mind about Peg; I beg that your ladyship would not expose me like a bawd on the pillory, to be pelted, battered, and splashed with rotten eggs, chewed apples, and street dirt, for the faithful counsel which I give in your private ear. I will do twice as much for you in another way.
Well, well, says the nurse, I see the matter is hard, Gilbert and James will carry all before them. I shall neither meddle nor make; Sir Thomas will be imposed upon about the major-domo-ship. There are many people looking for the place, and let me tell you it is an office of great consequence. You are young,Mr.Bumbo; and they say,you are hot when my back is turned, and you do not understand much of the larder or the pantry, and you huff the poor tenants when they come about the kitchen, and that Margaret herself has not that confidence in you, which the mistress of a family should have in a person, who has such a trust about her house. In short, I have had many disputes on your account, and now I am an old woman, and don’t meddle much. There is little appearance of my being able to obtain this favour for you; but you may talk to Sir Thomas about it yourself. I am, indeed, very much out of order; old age has many infirmities; a very severe cough I have, and am troubled with wind; indeed, I have not eat an ounce of victuals for these three days.
It is impossible to describe what passed in Bumbo’s countenance during this harangue. It changed from suspence to embarrassment, from embarrassment to confusion, from confusion to absolute despair; and there it settled, when the nurse concluded her speech and was just a going. Well, says he, with a faultering voice, I have got many enemies on your account and Sir Thomas’s; here they are, pulling the list out of his pocket, sworn Geoffrites, as I hope to be saved.
That will not do,Mr.Bumbo, says the nurse; we do not care a rush for your Geoffrites or your Thomists either. They do well enough in their time, but when one is about serious business, Ihate trifling. If John Bull and his sister take the defence of their houses upon themselves, we may all go packing. What influence can any body have in a family, where he has little or nothing to give away? I have been all my life contriving things for Sir Thomas and myself, to take to ourselves, or to give away, and now you would have us part with one of the best things we have. I have found,Mr.Bumbo, that a person’s influence in any family, depends on the number of good things he has to give; you must have caps, ribbons and petticoats for the maids, sugar-plumbs for the children, and luncheons for the clerks, and be able to help a footman now and then out of livery, otherwise they will not give an old song for you; and SirThomas has found plenty about John’s house, otherwise Mrs. Bull and he would not be so good friends as they are. People must have their vails and their perquisites. Many a time has Sir Thomas obliged his friend with a game-keeper’s place or so; and consider with yourself, that if John continues to do any part of that business himself, what numbers, not only of game-keepers, foresters and whippers-in, but even weavers, taylors, smiths, accountants, bakers, tanners, and shoe-makers, will forget the way to Sir Thomas’s closet, and never think more of Hubble-bubble, or your humble servant. And then the management of Rousterdivel’s affairs when he was brought over, was an excellent thing; trust me, many a pretty fortune has been got by Rousterdivel. But itis all over,Mr.Bumbo, all over; and now a person who comes to ask for a major-domo-ship, thinks he may do what he pleases.
Much honoured madam, says Bumbo, I hope you do not consider the scruples of a friend as an absolute refusal. I have always been ready to swear what you please, and if my oath be required to this forgery, I am ready to give it.
That was spoken like a major-domo, says the nurse; let us away to Hubble-bubble, and settle the tenour of your evidence.