Act II. Scene I.

“ALL BOW.”

Yaìch.Ivàn Pàvlovich Yaìchnitza, collegiate assessor.

Arìna.Be so kind as to take a seat. (Turns toZhevàkinand looks at him.) And may I ask——

Zhev.I ... you know ... I saw an advertisement about something.... I thought I might as well look in....It’s such fine weather to-day, and the grass is growing so nicely along the road....

Arìna.And your name, if you please?

Zhev.Retired naval lieutenant Baltazàr Baltazàrovich Zhevàkin, Number 2. There was another Zhevàkin in the service, but he retired before I did; he got a wound in the knee, and the ball went through it such an odd way—it didn’t touch the knee itself, but it injured a vein, and drew it all up, so that, if you were standing near him, it always seemed as if he were going to kick you.

Arìna.Be so kind as to sit down. (ToAnoùchkin.) May I ask the reason——

Anoùch.As a neighbour ... as I live so very near ... you see——

Arìna.Perhaps you live in widow Touloùbova’s house opposite?

Anoùch.No—n—no; I live at Peskì just now, but I have the intention of moving to this quarter of the town sooner or later.

Arìna.Be so kind as to sit down. (ToKochkaryòv.) Allow me to ask——

Koch.Why, surely you recognise me? (Turns toAgàfia.) And you, madam?

Agàfia.I—I—don’t remember ever seeing you.

Koch.Why, think a minute; I’m sure we’ve met somewhere.

Agàfia.I don’t know, really. Was it at the Biriòushkins’?

Koch.Of course it was!

Agàfia.Oh! do you know what’s happened to her?

Koch.Of course I do—she’s married.

Agàfia.Oh no! that would be nothing; but she’s broken her leg.

Arìna.And very badly too. She was coming home late at night in adrozhki, and the coachman was tipsy and overturned it.

Koch.Ah! yes; I remember, of course; I knew she’d got married, or broken her leg, or something of that kind!

Arìna.And your name?

ARÌNA: “WHAT IS THE GENTLEMAN’S NAME?”KOCHKARYÒV: “PODKOLYÒSSIN—IVÀN KOUZMÌCH PODKOLYÒSSIN.”

Koch.My name? Why Ilia Fòmich Kochkaryòv. We’re almost relations, you know. My wife is always talking about—but allow me, allow me. (TakesPodkolyòssinby the arm and leads him forward.) My friend Ivàn Kouzmìch Podkolyòssin, aulic counsellor, sub-director in a Department.It’s he that does all the business and manages everything in the most admirable way.

Arìna.What is the gentleman’s name?

Koch.Podkolyòssin—Ivàn Kouzmìch Podkolyòssin. The director is simply put there as a figure head: all the business is done by Ivàn Kouzmìch.

Arìna.Indeed? Be so kind as to sit down.

(EnterStarikòv.)

Star.(bows to the company in a rapid, off-hand, business manner, with one arm akimbo). Arìna Pantelèymovna, how do you do, little mother? The lads on the Arcade told me that you had some wool to sell.

Agàfia(turning her back contemptuously and speaking under her breath, but so that he hears). This isn’t a stall in a bazaar!

Star.Oh, oh! Seems I’ve come at the wrong time! I doubt you’ve settled your business without me.

Arìna.Sit down, sit down, Alexièy Dmìtrievich; we’ve no wool to sell, but we’re glad to see you; please sit down. (All sit down; silence.)

Yaìch.It’s very strange weather to-day. Early in the morning it looked quite like rain, but now it seems to have gone over.

Agàfia.Yes, indeed, this weather is quite extraordinary; sometimes it’s bright, and then again it gets wet and rainy—it’s very disagreeable.

Zhev.Ah, little mother! When our squadron was in Sicily it was spring-time—with us it would be February—they have the new calendar, you know—when we went out into the street it would be quite sunny, and then it would begin to rain, and it would be just like real ordinary rain.

Yaìch.The most disagreeable thing is to sit alone in such weather. It’s all very well for a married man—that’s quite another thing—but when one lives alone it’s really——

Zhev.Oh! it’s more than any one can stand!

Anoùch.Yes, indeed, one may say——

Koch.Oh yes, it’s altogether unbearable—life’s not worth having. Heaven defend anybody from such a position!

Yaìch.Now supposing, madam, that you were asked to choose who should be the object of your affections. Allow me to ask, what would be your taste? You will excuse my directness. What ... occupation ... do you consider ... most ... worthy of respect in a husband?

Zhev.Would you choose, madam, a husband acquainted with the storms of the ocean?

Koch.No! no! In my opinion the best sort of husband is a man who has almost the whole management of a Department in his hands.

Anoùch.Why anticipate? Why treat with contumely a man capable of appreciating the social intercourse of high-class society?

Yaìch.Madam, it is for you to decide! (Silence.)

Fèkla.Speak up, little mother! Tell them something.

Yaìch.What have you to say?

Koch.What is your opinion, Agàfia Tikhònovna?

Fèkla(aside to her). Make haste! say “Thank you,” or “With the greatest pleasure,” or something.... It’s not proper to sit like that!

Agàfia.I’m ashamed, I’m ashamed, really. I shall go away. Auntie! stop here instead of me!

Fèkla.No, no, you musn’t go away; it’s improper, it’s disgraceful. They’ll think ... I don’t know what!

Agàfia(aside). No, no, I can’t stand it, I can’t—I can’t! (Runs away. Arìna and Fèkla follow her.)

Yaìch.Well, that’s a good one—everybody’s gone away. What’s the meaning of that?

Koch.I expect something’s happened.

Zhev.Oh, no doubt it’s some little matter of feminine toilet.... They want to pin something, or to put the camisole straight, or—— (EnterFèkla.)

All(crowding round her). What is it? What’s the matter?

Koch.Has anything happened?

Fèkla.Of course not! What should happen?

Koch.Then why did she go away?

Fèkla.Why, you made the poor girl bashful, all of you—frightened and upset her till she couldn’t stand it. She sends you her excuses, and asks you to come in for a cup of tea in the evening. (Exit.)

Yaìch.(aside). Oh! now they’re going to begin with cups of tea! That’s what I hate about all this match-making business—it’s such a worry. To-day won’t do; and come again to-morrow; and the day after to-morrow a cup of tea; and then they have to think it over, and can’t make up their minds! But dear me! the matter’s simple enough; there’s nothing to rack one’s brains over! Confound it all! I’m a busy man, I’ve no time for this sort of thing!

Koch.(toPodkolyòssin). She’s a nice-looking girl, isn’t she?

Pod.Yes, she’s nice-looking.

Zhev.I think the young lady is pretty.

Koch.(aside). The deuce take it, if that idiot hasn’t fallen in love! He’ll be getting in the way! (Aloud.) I don’t think she’s pretty at all, not at all.

Yaìch.Her nose is too big.

Zhev.Now, there I don’t agree with you: she’s a regular rosebud.

Anoùch.I quite agree with you. The only thing is, she’s not quite—I am inclined to doubt whether she is acquainted with the manners of high-class society. Do you think she knows French?

Zhev.If I may take the liberty of asking, why didn’t you speak French to her yourself, and try?—very likely she knows it.

Anoùch.You think I speak French? No, I did notenjoy such educational advantages. My father was an eccentric personage, he never even thought of having me taught French. I was a child in those days; it would have been easy to teach me—a few good whippings were all that was needed, and I should have known it perfectly well.

Zhev.Well, but as you don’t know French, why do you particularly want——

Anoùch.Ah! no, no; it’s quite another matter with a woman. It’s quite necessary that she should know it; otherwise, one thing and another—(helps himself out with gestures)—nothing is as it should be.

Yaìch.(aside). Well, those that like can care about that. For my part, I shall go round the house and look at the wings from the courtyard; if everything’s all right, I’ll settle the matter this very evening. I’m not afraid of all these suitors; they’re nothing but milksops, all the lot of them. Girls don’t like that sort of men.

Zhev.I think I’ll go and have a smoke. Perhaps our way lies in the same direction. May I ask where you live?

Anoùch.At Peskì; in the Petròvski Row.

Zhev.Yes; it’s a bit out of my way; I live on the Island,[12]in the Eighteenth Line. But all the same I’ll walk with you.

Star.No no; they’re getting too proud for me here. Ah! you’ll remember your own folk some day, Agàfia Tikhònovna! Your servant, gentlemen. (Bows and exit. Exeunt all butPodkolyòssinandKochkaryòv.)

Pod.What are we waiting for?

Koch.Well, what do you think? She’s a charming girl, isn’t she?

Pod.Do you think so? I’m bound to confess that she doesn’t take my fancy.

Koch.Come now, that’s too much! You agreed with me yourself a minute ago that she was pretty.

Pod.Yes; but, you see ... her nose is too long; and she doesn’t know French.

Koch.What next? What do you want with French?

Pod.After all, a girl ought to know French.

Koch.What for?

Pod.Why, because ... really I don’t know why. But it isn’t the same if she doesn’t know French.

Koch.Well, you’re a simpleton! Somebody makes a remark, and you get it into your head, and there it sticks! She’s a beauty; she’s a downright beauty; you won’t find another such a girl anywhere.

Pod.Well, I thought she was very pretty. But afterwards, when they began to talk so much about her nose being long, I thought it over, and I see she really has a long nose.

Koch.Oh, you blind bat! Can’t you see through that trick? They talked like that on purpose to get rid of you; and I abused her too; one always does that. My lad, she’s a splendid girl! Just you look at her eyes! There’s the very devil in eyes like that; they can talk, and breathe, and anything. And as for her nose, it’s an exquisite nose; it’s as white as alabaster; there’s plenty of alabaster that wouldn’t come up to it. You should look with your own eyes, my man.

Pod.Yes; when I think of it, she really is pretty.

Koch.Of course she’s pretty. Look here—they’ve all gone away now; let’s go to her and propose, and settle it all up.

Pod.That I certainly sha’n’t do.

Koch.Why not?

Pod.It would be downright effrontery. There are a lot of us; it’s for her to choose.

Koch.What’s the use of taking any notice of them? You’re not afraid of rivals, surely; if you like, I’ll get rid of them all in one minute.

Pod.How can you get rid of them?

Koch.That’s my business. Only give me your word that you won’t wriggle out of it afterwards.

Pod.I’ve no objection to that; I’m willing.

Koch.Your hand on it!

Pod.(gives hand). My hand on it!

Koch.That’s all I ask of you. (Exeunt.)

(Agàfia Tikhònovna alone.)

Agàfia.Really, it is a very difficult thing to have to choose. If there were only one or two of them—but to choose out of four!... Nikanòr Ivànovich is very nice-looking, though he’s rather thin. Ivàn Kouzmìch is not bad-looking either. Indeed, to say the truth, Ivàn Pàvlovich is a very fine-looking man, too, although he’s fat. I should just like to know what I am to do! Then Baltazàr Baltazàrovich has great merits, too. Indeed, it’s so difficult to decide that I simply don’t know what to do. If one could put Nikanòr Ivànovich’s lips on to Ivàn Kouzmìch’s nose, and then take a little of Baltazàr Baltazàrovich’s easy way, and just a bit of Ivàn Pàvlovich’s stoutness—I’d make up my mind at once; but now one keeps on thinking and thinking ... really my head has begun to ache! I think the best thing would be to cast lots. It must be as God wills—whoever comes out shall be my husband. I’ll write all their names on bits of paper, and roll them up tight, and then, what must be, will be. (Goes up to table, takes out of a drawer paper and scissors, cuts little slips, writes, and rolls them up while speaking.) A girl’s position is a very trying one, especially if she’s in love. No man can ever enter into that; indeed, they don’t care to understand it. There! now they’re all ready! I’ve only got to put them in myreticule, shut my eyes tight, and what must be will be. (Places slips in reticule, and shuffles them with her hand.) I’m afraid.... Oh! if God willed that Nikanòr Ivànovich should come out! No; why? Better Ivan Kouzmìch! They’re all so nice.... No, no; I won’t decide.... I’ll take whichever one comes out. (Thrusts hand into reticule, and takes out all together.) Oh! oh! they’ve all come out! And my heart beats so! No; it won’t do; I must have one! (Replaces slips in reticule, and shuffles again.Kochkaryòventers softly and stands behind her.) Oh! if it were Baltazàr.... No; I mean Nikanòr Ivànovich.... No, no; I won’t think; it’s as fate decides!

Koch.Take Ivàn Kouzmìch; he’s the best.

Agàfia.Ah! (Screams, and hides face with both hands, not daring to look round.)

Koch.Why do you start so? Don’t be afraid, it’s I; you’d much better take Ivàn Kouzmìch.

Agàfia.Oh! I’m ashamed! You’ve been listening.

Koch.Never mind; never mind; I’m like one of your own family, you know; you needn’t be bashful with me. Come now, let me see your pretty face.

Agàfia(half uncovering her face). Indeed I’m ashamed!

Koch.There now! Take Ivàn Kouzmìch.

Agàfia.Oh! (Screams, and hides face again.)

Koch.Really, he’s a splendid fellow; he manages that Department wonderfully.... In fact he’s a marvellous fellow!

Agàfia(gradually uncovering her face). Well, but what about the other one, Nikanòr Ivànovich? He’s very nice, too.

Koch.Oh! he’s not fit to be mentioned in the same breath with Ivàn Kouzmìch.

Agàfia.Why not?

Koch.The reason’s plain. Ivàn Kouzmìch is a man.... Well, what you may call a man ... such as you won’t find again.

Agàfia.And Ivàn Pàvlovich?

Koch.Ivàn Pàvlovich! He’s a regular good-for-nothing; they’re all good-for-nothings.

Agàfia.Not all, surely?

Koch.Just look yourself; just compare them; there are all sorts of people; but really, such a set—Ivàn Pàvlovich, Nikanòr Ivànovich—they’re like, Heaven knows what!

Agàfia.Well, but really, they’re very ... modest.

Koch.Modest, indeed! They’re regular bullies and roughs. I suppose you don’t want to be beaten the next day after the wedding?

Agàfia.Oh, dear! Oh, dear! That’s such a dreadful misfortune that there couldn’t be anything worse!

Koch.I should think not! One can’t imagine anything worse.

Agàfia.Then your advice is that I should take Ivàn Kouzmìch?

Koch.Of course you should take Ivàn Kouzmìch. (Aside.) The business seems to go pretty smoothly. I’d better run to the confectioner’s and fetch Podkolyòssin.

Agàfia.Then you think ... Ivàn Kouzmìch?

Koch.Certainly, Ivàn Kouzmìch.

Agàfia.And must I refuse all the others?

Koch.Of course you must.

Agàfia.But how am I to do it? I’m ashamed to.

Koch.What’s there to be ashamed of? Just tell them that you’re too young to marry yet.

Agàfia.Well, but they won’t believe me; they’ll begin asking why, and how, and all that.

Koch.Well, if you want to put an end to it at once, you can simply say, “Get along with you, blockheads!”

Agàfia.But how am I to say that?

Koch.Well, just try. I assure you that, after that, they’ll all run away.

Agàfia.But ... but it sounds ... so rude.

Koch.Well, but you’ll never see them again, so what does it matter?

Agàfia.Even so it doesn’t seem nice; ... they’ll be offended.

Koch.What in the world does it matter if they are? If they could do you any harm that would be another thing; but the worst that can happen is for one of them to spit in your face—that’s all!

Agàfia.There! you see!

Koch.Well, what harm? Why, some people are spat at over and over again! There’s a man I know—such a handsome, fresh-coloured fellow—he was always coaxing and teasing his director to raise his salary, till at last the director lost all patience, and turned round and spat in his face. “There’s your salary!” he said; “let me alone, you demon!” But for all that he raised the salary, and the man was none the worse for having been spat at. What’s there to mind in that? It would be another matter if you hadn’t got a handkerchief near, but you have one in your pocket—you’ve nothing to do but to take it out and dry your face. (Door-bell rings.) There’s some one at the door—one of them, I expect. I shouldn’t care to meet them just now. Isn’t there another way out?

Agàfia.Oh, yes, down the back stairs. But, indeed, I am trembling all over!

Koch.Only keep your presence of mind; everything will be all right. Good-bye! (Aside.) I’ll run and fetch Podkolyòssin. (Exit. EnterYaìchnitza.)

Yaìch.I purposely came rather early, madam, in order to find you alone and talk with you at leisure. As regards my position, madam, you are, I presume, acquainted with it: I serve as collegiate assessor, I enjoy the good-will of the authorities, and my subordinates are obedient ... only one thing is wanting—a partner to share my life.

Agàfia.Y-yes....

Yaìch.I have at last found that desired partner. It is—yourself. Answer me plainly—yes or no? (Looking at her shoulders; aside.) She’s not like those scraggy foreign women; there’s something of her.

Agàfia.I am still very young.... I do not wish to marry yet....

Yaìch.Don’t wish!... Why, what do you employ a matchmaker for? Perhaps, though, you mean something else—explain to me.... (Door-bell rings.) Confound the people! They won’t let one settle one’s business in peace!

(EnterZhevàkin.)

Zhev.Pardon me, madam, if I have come too early. (Turns round and seesYaìchnitza.) Ah! there’s one already.... Ivàn Pàvlovich, my compliments.

Yaìch.(aside). You be hanged with your compliments! (Aloud.) Well, madam, your answer? Say only one word—yes or no?... (Door bell rings;Yaìchnitzaspits on the floor.) Damn that bell!

(EnterAnoùchkin.)

Anoùchkin.Perhaps, madam, I have arrived earlier than is becoming and consistent with good breeding. (Sees the others, utters an exclamation, and starts back.) My respects, gentlemen!

Yaìch.(aside). Keep your respects and be damned to you! The very deuce brought your spindle-shanks here—if you’d only tumble and break them!... (Aloud.) Well, madam, how is it to be? Decide. I am a man in office; my time is valuable—yes or no?

Agàfia.(confused.) Oh, no, please, ... I don’t want.... (Aside.) I don’t know a bit what I’m saying!

Yaìch.You don’t want?... In what sense do you mean that?

Agàfia.Oh, I didn’t mean.... I.... Oh, indeed!...(Gathering up her courage.) Get along with you.... (Aside, clasping her hands.) Oh, dear! Oh, dear! what have I said!

Yaìch.“Get...alongwith you”?!... What does “get along with you” mean?... Permit me to ask, what do you mean by this? (Places arms akimbo, and advances towards her threateningly.)

Agàfia(stares at him; then screams). Oh! oh! he’s going to beat me! (Exit running.Yaìchnitzastands open-mouthed;Arìna Pantelèymovna,hearing the noise, runs in, looks at him, and screams.)

Arìna.Oh! he’s going to beat us! (Exit running.)

Yaìch.What’s it all about? What can have happened? (Door-bell rings; voice heard without.)

Koch.(without). Go in; go in! What are you stopping for?

Pod.(without). You go first; I’ll come in a minute; I’ll just fasten my strap; it’s come undone.

Koch.(without). I know you’ll sneak away again.

Pod.(without). No, I won’t; I won’t, indeed!

(EnterKochkaryòv.)

Koch.What next! wants to set a strap right!

Yaìch.(to him). Be so kind as to tell me,—Is the young lady an idiot?

Koch.What do you mean? Has anything happened?

Yaìch.Her behaviour is most extraordinary. All of a sudden she ran away, screaming out, “He’ll beat me! he’ll beat me!” It’s enough to mystify the devil!

Koch.Yes; she gets like that sometimes; she’s weak in her head.

Yaìch.May I ask if you’re a relative of hers?

Koch.Oh! yes; I’m a relative.

Yaìch.What is your relationship to her, if I may inquire?

Koch.A—a—a, really, I don’t know. Let me see—my mother’s aunt was some relation to her father; or else her father was related to my aunt; my wife knows all about it; that’s a woman’s business, you know.

Yaìch.Has her mind been affected long?

Koch.Ever since she was a little child.

Yaìch.A—a—a, yes—of course it would be better if she had more sense. But, after all, it’s not bad to have a foolish wife—once the other considerations are all right, you know.

Koch.But, my good sir, she hasn’t a sixpence!

Yaìch.What! But the stone house?

Koch.Oh! it’s only called stone; but if you knew the way it’s built! It’s just coated over with stucco outside; but the walls are made of all kinds of rubbish—chips, and splinters, and rubble, and what-not.

Yaìch.You don’t say so!

Koch.Of course. Why, don’t you know the way houses are built nowadays? They only build houses so as to be able to mortgage them.

Yaìch.But this house isn’t mortgaged, surely?

Koch.How do you know that? It’s a good deal worse; it’s not only mortgaged, but the interest hasn’t been paid for the last two years. Then they’ve got a brother in the Senate, who has his eye on the house. He’s the most pettifogging hair-splitter that ever was born; the rascal would fleece his own mother of her last petticoat!

Yaìch.But the old matchmaker told me.... Oh! the old hag! A monster in human.... (Aside.) By the bye, though, he may be making it all up. I’ll submit the old woman to a strict interrogation. And, if it’s true, ... oh! I’ll give her something she won’t forget in a hurry!

Anoùch.(toKochkaryòv). Permit me, too, to trespass on your time with a question. Not being myself acquainted with the French language, I have great difficulty in discoveringwhether a woman knows French or not. Does the lady of the house——

Koch.She doesn’t know A from B.

Anoùch.Is it possible?

Koch.Oh! I know that very well! She was at boarding-school with my wife; and she was the idle one of the school—always in the dunce’s cap. And as for the French master, he used simply to beat her with a stick.

Anoùch.Just imagine! The first minute that I saw her I had a sort of presentiment that she doesn’t know French.

Yaìch.French be hanged! But that confounded matchmaker.... Oh! the old hag! the old brute! If only you knew the way she described it all! Like a painter; for all the world like a painter! “A house, wings, basements, silver spoons, sledges, nothing to do but to get in and drive!” One hardly ever comes across such a page in a novel! Oh! you old harridan! once I get hold of you!...

(EnterFèkla.All crowd round her and begin to speak at once.)

Yaìch.Ah—h—h! There she is! Just come here a minute, you old——! Just come here a minute!

Anoùch.How could you deceive me so, Fèkla Ivànovna?

Koch.Now then, my beauty, stand up to the scratch!

Fèkla.I can’t make out a word you say when you deafen me like that.

Yaìch.The house is just built of stucco, you old hag, you! And you told me lies! It’s nothing but garrets, and the very devil knows what.

Fèkla.I don’t know; I didn’t build it. I suppose if they built it with stucco it’s because they liked stucco.

Yaìch.And it’s all mortgaged too, is it? May the devils eat you up, you damned old hag! (Stamps his foot.)

Fèkla.Oh! for shame! using such words! Anybody else would say “Thank you” for all the trouble I’ve taken.

Anoùch.Ah! Fèkla Ivànovna! and you deceived me too; you told me she knew French!

Fèkla.So she does, dear heart, so she does! And German; and all that outlandish gibberish. She can talk all the ways you like.

Anoùch.No, no; I’m afraid she talks nothing but Russian.

Fèkla.And what’s the harm of that? Of course she talks Russian; because Russian’s easier to understand. And if she could do all that heathen jabber, it would be the worse for you, because you wouldn’t be able to understand a word. What have you got against anybody talking good, plain Russian? It’s the proper way to talk; all the saints talked Russian.

Yaìch.Just come here a minute, confound you! Just come here to me!

Fèkla(backing towards the door). Not I! I know you too well! You’ve got a heavy hand; one never knows when you may strike!

Yaìch.Ah, my dove! I’ll pay you out for this! When I take you to the police-station you’ll get a lesson how to deceive honest people. I’ll let you know! And tell the girl from me that she’s a beast! Do you hear? Be sure you tell her. (Exit.)

Fèkla.Well, I never did! He’s in a fine fury! Just because he’s fat, he thinks there’s no one like him in the world. And supposing I say that you’re a beast yourself, what then?

Anoùch.I am bound to say, my good woman, that I did not expect you to have deceived me so. If I had known that the young lady is so uneducated, I ... I simply would never have set foot inside the place. That’s the truth! (Exit.)

Fèkla.Is the man drunk or daft? These fine folk are over hard to please! All that foolish learning has just turned his head! (Kochkaryòvpoints to Fèkla with his finger, and bursts into a roar of laughter.)

Fèkla.(angrily). What’s all that guffaw about? (Kochkaryòvgoes on laughing.) Well, you needn’t go into a fit!

Koch.Matchmaker! matchmaker! She knows her business! she knows how to arrange marriages! (Continues to laugh.)

Fèkla.You’re a wonderful one to laugh; I should think your mother went daft the hour that you were born. (Exit angrily.)

Koch.(continues to laugh). Oh! I can’t!... I can’t really!... It’s too much!... I shall die of laughing!... (Continues to laugh.Zhevàkinlooks at him and begins to laugh too.)

Koch.(throws himself into a chair exhausted). Oh!... Oh! dear!... I’m half killed!... If I laugh any more I shall simply die!...

Zhev.I admire your merry character. When I was in the navy, there was a midshipman in Captain Voldyrèv’s squadron—Pyetoukhòv his name was, Antòn Ivànovich—he was very merry too; sometimes, if you’d just lift up one finger—so—he’d set off laughing, and he’d laugh the whole day long. Really, just to look at him was enough to put one into a laughing mood; and at last you’d begin to laugh yourself.

Koch.(recovering his breath). Oh! Lord! have mercy upon us sinners! What has the idiot got into her head? As ifsheknew how to arrange a marriage! She, indeed! Now, if I arrange a marriage, it’s another matter!

Zhev.Do you seriously mean that you can get people married?

Koch.Of course I do. I can marry anybody to anybody.

Zhev.In that case, marry me to the lady of this house.

Koch.You? What do you want to be married for?

Zhev.How “what for?” Allow me to remark that is rather a strange question. What do people want to get married for?

Koch.But you heard that she has no dowry.

Zhev.That can’t be helped. Of course it’s unfortunate; but with such a very charming girl, so well brought up, one can live even without a dowry. A modest room (gesticulating), here a little entrance-hall, there a small screen or some kind of partition, you know——

Koch.What’s there in her you like so much?

Zhev.To tell you the truth, she took my fancy because she is plump. I’m a great connoisseur in feminine plumpness.

Koch.(looking askance at him; aside). The old mummy may give himself airs; but he’s for all the world like a pouch with the tobacco shaken out. (Aloud.) No; you have no business to be married at all.

Zhev.Why so?

Koch.It’s plain enough why. Look what your figure’s like! Between ourselves, you’ve got a leg like a chicken’s.

Zhev.A chicken’s?

Koch.Certainly. Just see what you look like.

Zhev.What do you mean, though, about a chicken’s leg?

Koch.Just simply a chicken’s.

Zhev.It appears to me, sir, that this approaches to a personality....

Koch.I say this to you because I know you’re a sensible man. I shouldn’t say it to everybody. However, I’ll get you married, if you like, only to another woman.

Zhev.Thank you, no; I must ask you not to marry me to another woman. If you will be so kind, I should prefer this one.

Koch.As you like. I’ll arrange it for you, only with onecondition—you musn’t interfere at all; you musn’t even let the young lady see you; I’ll manage it all without you.

Zhev.I don’t quite understand. How “without me?” Of course the young lady must see me.

Koch.Not at all; not at all! Just go home and wait; it’ll all be done by this evening.

Zhev.(rubbing his hands). That’ll be splendid! That’ll be capital! Don’t you think I ought to have my certificate, though—my list of service? Perhaps the young lady would like to see it; I’ll fetch it this minute.

Koch.You needn’t fetch anything; only go home; I’ll let you know this very day. (ExitZhevàkin.) Yes; and don’t you wish you may get it!... I wonder why on earth Podkolyòssin doesn’t come! It’s very strange! He surely can’t be setting his strap to rights all this time. I’d almost better run and find him.

(EnterAgàfia Tikhònovna.)

Agàfia(looking around). Have they all gone? Is there no one here?

Koch.There’s no one here; they’ve all gone.

Agàfia.Oh! if you knew how I shook and trembled! I never felt like that in my life before. But what a dreadful man that Yaìchnitza is! What a tyrant he would be to his wife! I keep fancying every minute that he’s coming back!

Koch.Oh, no! he won’t come back. I’ll lay my head on it that neither of the two will show his nose here again.

Agàfia.And the third?

Koch.What third?

Zhev.(Poking his head in at the door; aside). I’m simply wild to know what she’ll say about me with that little rosebud of a mouth!

Agàfia.I mean Baltazàr Baltazàrovich.

Zhev.(aside). Ah! that’s it! that’s it! (Rubs his hands.)

Koch.Oh! that creature! I was wondering who you could be talking about. My dear lady, the man’s a complete idiot—Heaven knows what!

Zhev.(aside). What’s that? That I confess I don’t understand.

Agàfia.Do you know, he seems to me a very nice person?

Koch.A drunkard.

Zhev.(aside). I really don’t understand this!

Agàfia.You don’t mean to say he’s a drunkard too?

Koch.Oh! dear me! yes; a thoroughpaced scoundrel.

Zhev.(aloud). Allow me;thatI did not ask you to say. If you had said something to my advantage, or in my praise—that would be another matter; but to speak of me in such a manner, to use such words—you may find some one else who will consent, but not your humble servant.

Koch.(aside). Whatever has brought him back again? (Softly toAgàfia.) Look! look! he can hardly stand on his feet. He’s as drunk as a lord; and it’s the same thing every day. Send him about his business and make an end of the whole affair. (Aside.) Podkolyòssin doesn’t come, and doesn’t come, the scoundrel! Oh! I’ll be even with him! (Exit.)

Zhev.(aside). He said he was going to praise me, and instead of that he began abusing me! Very queer man! (Aloud.) Don’t believe him, madam.

Agàfia.Excuse me, I am not well; my head aches. (Going.)

Zhev.It cannot be; there must be something about me that displeases you. (Points to his head.) I hope you don’t mind my having a little bald place here; it’s nothing, really; it’s from fever; the hair will soon grow again.

Agàfia.It is all the same to me whether it grows or not.

Zhev.Madam! indeed.... If I were to put on a black coat, my complexion would be much lighter.

Agàfia.So much the better for you. Good-afternoon. (Exit.)

Zhev.(Alone; calls after her.) Madam! tell me the reason! Say why! What is your objection? Is there any defect in me?... She’s gone! It is a most extraordinary thing! This is the seventeenth time it has happened to me; and always just in the same way. At first everything goes all right; and then, when the critical moment comes, they always refuse me. (Walks up and down the room, meditating.) Yes, I believe this is really the seventeenth girl. And what in the world is it that she wants? I should like to know why ... on what grounds.... (Meditates.) It’s mysterious, very mysterious! Now, if there were anything to object to in me! (Inspecting himself.) I think nobody can say that of me, thank Heaven! It’s very strange! I wonder if I hadn’t better go home, and hunt about in my trunk. I used to have some verses there that no woman could stand against.... There really is no understanding it! Everything seemed to be going all right.... I see I shall have to alter my tack. It’s a pity; it really is a pity. (Exit.)

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