THE MIRACLE OF SAINT ANTHONY
The entrance-hall of a large old-fashioned house. Front-door on the left. At the back, a few steps with on the left a glass door with lace curtains, leading to the dining-room, and on the right a fair of folding glass doors, also with lace curtains, leading to the drawing-room. Against the wall, a leather-covered bench, one or two wooden stools and an umbrella-stand with hats and coats on it.
The curtain rises onVirginie, the old servant. Her skirts are pinned up, showing her bare legs and sabots; she is surrounded with brass pails, swabbing-cloths, brooms and scrubbing-brushes and is busily washing theflagstones composing the floor. She stops working from time to time, blows her nose noisily and wipes away a big tear.
There is a ring at the front-door.Virginiehalf opens it, revealing on the threshold a long lean old man, barefoot, bareheaded, with tangled hair and beard, and clad in a sort of frieze habit of faded brown, muddy, out of shape and patched.
Virginie
(Holding the door ajar.) This is the thirty-sixth time that I’ve been to the door.... Another beggar! Well, what is it?
Saint Anthony
Let me in.
Virginie
No, you’re all over mud. Stay there. What do you want?
Saint Anthony
I want to come in.
Virginie
What for?
Saint Anthony
To bring Mademoiselle Hortense back to life.
Virginie
Bring Mademoiselle Hortense back to life? Get out! Who are you?
Saint Anthony
Saint Anthony.
Virginie
Of Padua?
Saint Anthony
The same. (His halo lights up and shines.)
Virginie
Lord bless me, it’s true! (She opens the door wide, falls on her knees and mutters a prayer, with her hands folded over the handle of her broom, after which she kisses the hem of theSaint’shabit and continues, in a mechanical and bewildered sing-song.) Saint Anthony, pray for us! Blessed Saint Anthony, look down upon us! Saint Anthony, pray for us!
Saint Anthony
Shut the door.
Virginie
(Gets up crossly.) Wipe your feet on the mat. (Saint Anthonywipes themawkwardly.) No, that won’t do: rub them hard, rub them hard. (She closes the front door.)
Saint Anthony
(Pointing to the folding-doors.) She is laid out in there.
Virginie
(In an astonished voice of delight.) Yes, but how did you know? It’s wonderful! She’s there, in the drawing-room.... The poor dear lady! She was only seventy-seven. That’s no age at all, is it?... She was a very pious and deserving lady, you know. She suffered a great deal.... And she was very rich. They say she’s left two million francs. That’s a lot of money.
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
It all goes to her two nephews, Monsieur Gustave and Monsieur Achille. And she’s left legacies to the Rector, to the church, to the beadle, to the sacristan, to the poor, to the Curate, to fourteen Jesuits and to all the servants, according to the length of time that they were with her. I get most. I’ve been in her service for thirty-three years, so I shall have three thousand three hundred francs. That’s a good sum.
Saint Anthony
It is.
Virginie
She owed me nothing; she always paid me my wages regularly. You can say what you like, you won’t find many mistresses who would do as much, after theywere dead and gone. She was one of the best of women. And we’re burying her to-day.... Everybody has sent flowers. You ought to see the drawing-room. It’s a glorious sight. There are flowers on the bed, on the table, on the chairs, on the piano. And nothing but white flowers: it’s perfectly beautiful. We simply don’t know where to put the wreaths. (A ring at the door. She opens it and returns with two wreaths.) Here are two more. (Examines the wreaths and weighs them in her hands.) Aren’t these lovely? Just hold them a minute till I finish my work. (She gives the wreaths toSaint Anthony, who takes one in each hand obligingly.) They’re taking her to the cemetery this afternoon. Everything has to be nice and clean; and I’ve only time to....
Saint Anthony
Take me to the corpse.
Virginie
Take you to the corpse? Now?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
No, it can’t be done. You must wait a bit; they are still at lunch.
Saint Anthony
God bids me hurry; there is no time to lose.
Virginie
What do you want with her?
Saint Anthony
I’ve told you: I want to bring her back to life.
Virginie
You want to bring her back to life? Seriously, do you want to raise her from the dead?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
But she’s been dead three days.
Saint Anthony
That’s why I wish to raise her from the dead.
Virginie
For her to live again as before?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
But then there won’t be any heirs?
Saint Anthony
Of course not.
Virginie
But what will Monsieur Gustave say?
Saint Anthony
I don’t know.
Virginie
And will she take back the three thousand three hundred francs which she gave me because she was dead?
Saint Anthony
Yes, of course.
Virginie
That’s a nuisance.
Saint Anthony
Have you no other money, no savings?
Virginie
Not a farthing. I have an invalid sister who takes every penny I earn.
Saint Anthony
Well, if you are afraid of losing your three thousand francs....
Virginie
Three thousand three hundred francs....
Saint Anthony
If you’re afraid of losing the money, then I won’t raise her from the dead.
Virginie
Couldn’t I keep the money and you bring her back to life just the same?
Saint Anthony
No, you must take it or leave it. I came down in answer to your prayers: it’s for you to choose.
Virginie
(After a moment’s reflection.) Well, then, bring her back to life all the same. (TheSaint’shalo lights up and shines.) What’s the matter with you now?
Saint Anthony
You have pleased me.
Virginie
And then does that lantern thing light up?
Saint Anthony
Yes, of itself.
Virginie
That’s funny.... But don’t stand so near the lace curtains, or you’ll set them on fire.
Saint Anthony
There’s no danger: it’s celestial flame.... Take me to the body.
Virginie
I’ve told you: you must wait. I can’t disturb them now. They’re still at lunch.
Saint Anthony
Who?
Virginie
Why, my masters, of course! The whole family! First her two nephews, Monsieur Gustave and Monsieur Achille, with their wives and children, Monsieur Georges, Monsieur Alberic, Monsieur Alphonse and Monsieur Désiré.... And cousins, male and female, and the Rector and the Doctor and I don’t know who besides: friends and relatives from adistance, whom I’d never seen. They’re very rich people.
Saint Anthony
Really?
Virginie
Did you notice the street?
Saint Anthony
What street?
Virginie
Why, ours, of course! The one in which our house stands.
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
It’s a handsome street. Well, all the houses on the left-hand side of the street,except the little one at the end, the baker’s shop, belong to Mademoiselle Hortense. Those on the right-hand side are Monsieur Gustave’s. There are twenty houses. That means money.
Saint Anthony
No doubt.
Virginie
(Pointing to the halo.) Look, your lantern thing is going out.
Saint Anthony
(Feeling his halo.) Yes, I’m afraid....
Virginie
Doesn’t it keep burning very long?
Saint Anthony
It all depends upon the thoughts that feed it.
Virginie
Yes, they own woods ... and farms ... and houses galore! Monsieur Gustave has a starch-factory: Gustave’s Starch, you’ve heard of it, I expect! Oh, they’re an amazingly well-off family. There are four of them who live on their incomes and do no business at all. That’s splendid, that is!... And such friends and acquaintances and tenants!... Well, they’ve all come to the funeral, some of them from ever so far. There’s one, I’m told, who travelled two days and two nights to get here in time. I’ll show him to you: he has a lovely beard.... They’re lunching here. They haven’t finished yet. We can’t disturb them. It’s a great lunch: there are twenty-four of them sitting down to it. And I’ve seen the bill of fare: there’s oysters, two soups, three entrées, crayfish in jelly, and troutà la Schubert. Do you know what that is?
Saint Anthony
No.
Virginie
No more do I. They say it’s very good; but it’s not for you and me. There’s no champagne, because of the mourning; but there’s every other kind of wine. Mademoiselle Hortense had the best cellar in the town. I’ll try and get you a good big glass, if they leave any; then you’ll see the sort of thing.... Wait, I’ll go and look what they’re doing. (She goes up the steps, draws back the curtains and peeps through the glass door on the left.) I think they’re beginning the trout, the troutà la Schubert. Oh, there’s Joseph moving the pine-apple. They’ve a good two hours before them.You’d better take a seat. (Saint Anthonygoes to the leather-covered bench and is about to sit down.) No, no, not there, you’re much too dirty! Sit on the stool. I must get on with my work. (Saint Anthonysits down on a stool;Virginieresumes her work and takes up a pail of water.) Look out! Lift up your feet; I’m going to splash the water.... No, don’t stay there; you’re in my way; and it’s not cleaned yet.... Go over there in the corner; push the stool against the wall. (Saint Anthonyobediently does as she tells him.) There, now you won’t get your feet wet. Aren’t you hungry?
Saint Anthony
No, thank you, but I’m rather in a hurry; so go and tell your masters.
Virginie
You’re in a hurry? What have you got to do?
Saint Anthony
Two or three miracles.
Virginie
I can’t tell them anything while they’re at lunch. We must wait till they’ve had their coffee. Monsieur Gustave might be very angry.... I don’t know what sort of reception he’ll give you; he doesn’t like having poor people in the house. You don’t look over-prosperous.
Saint Anthony
No, saints are never prosperous.
Virginie
They have money given them, though.
Saint Anthony
Yes, but not everything that’s given to the saints reaches heaven.
Virginie
You don’t mean it? Then do the priests take what we give? I’ve heard it said; but I wouldn’t believe.... There now, I’ve got no water left!... I say!
Saint Anthony
Yes?
Virginie
Do you see a brass tap on your right?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
There’s an empty pail beside it. Would you mind filling it for me?
Saint Anthony
With pleasure.
Virginie
You see, I’ll never get all this cleaning done if some one doesn’t help me. And there’s nobody to help me: they’re all losing their heads.... It’s a terrible job, a death in the house! You know that as well as I do. A good thing it doesn’t happen every day.... Monsieur Gustave will make a fuss if everything isn’t clean and shining when his guests come through here.... He’s not easy to please.... And I still have all the brass to do.... There, turn the tap; that’s right.... Bring me the pail.... Aren’t your feet cold? Tuck up your gown or it’ll get wet.... Mind the wreaths; put them on the stool.... That’s right, that’s capital. (SaintAnthonybrings her the pail.) Thanks, you’re very kind.... I want one more. (A sound of voices and of chairs being pushed back.) Listen! What’s that? I’ll go and see. (She goes to the glass door.) Hallo, the master has got up! What can it be? Have they quarrelled?... No, the others are eating.... Joseph is filling up the Rector’s glass.... They are finishing the trout.... The master is coming to the door.... Why, I might speak to him as he comes out and tell him that you....
Saint Anthony
Yes, do, please; tell him at once.
Virginie
Very well. Put down the pail; I don’t want it. Here, take this broom. Not like that! You’d better sit down again.(Saint Anthonyobeys and sits on the two wreaths lying on the stool.) Hi, what are you doing? You’re sitting on the wreaths!
Saint Anthony
I beg your pardon. I’m a little short-sighted.
Virginie
Clumsy! They’re a pretty sight now! And what Monsieur Gustave will say when he sees those two wreaths!... Thank goodness, they’re not so bad after all! We can put them right. Sit down over there; take them on your knees; and keep quite quiet. (She goes down on her knees before theSaint.) I have a favour to ask you.
Saint Anthony
Speak, don’t be afraid.
Virginie
Give me your blessing, while we are by ourselves. When the company comes out, I shall be sent away; and I sha’n’t see you any more. Give me your blessing for myself alone. I am old and need it badly.
Saint Anthony
(Rises and blesses her. His halo lights up.) I bless you, my daughter, for you are good, simple of heart and mind, faultless, fearless, guileless in the presence of the great mysteries and faithful in the performance of your little duties. Go in peace, my child. Go and tell your masters....
(ExitVirginie.Saint Anthonysits down again on the stool. Presently the glass door opens andGustaveenters, followed byVirginie.)
(ExitVirginie.Saint Anthonysits down again on the stool. Presently the glass door opens andGustaveenters, followed byVirginie.)
Gustave
(In a harsh and angry voice.) What’s all this? Who are you? What do you want?
Saint Anthony
(Rising humbly.) I am Saint Anthony.
Gustave
Are you mad?
Saint Anthony
Of Padua.
Gustave
What sort of joke is this? I am in no mood for laughing. Have you been drinking? Come, what are you here for? What do you want?...
Saint Anthony
I want to raise your aunt from the dead.
Gustave
What? Raise my aunt from the dead? (ToVirginie.) He’s drunk. Why did you let him in? (ToSaint Anthony.) Look here, my man, be sensible: we have no time for jesting. My aunt is to be buried to-day; you can call again to-morrow. Here. Here’s a trifle for you.
Saint Anthony
(With gentle persistence.) I must raise her from the dead to-day.
Gustave
All right, presently, after the ceremony! Come, here’s the door.
Saint Anthony
I shall not leave until I have brought her back to life.
Gustave
(Blazing out.) Look here, I’ve had enough of this! You’re getting tiresome! My guests are waiting for me. (He opens the front-door.) Here’s the door. Look sharp, please!
Saint Anthony
I shall not leave until I have brought her back to life.
Gustave
Oh, won’t you? We’ll see about that. (Opens the glass door and calls out.) Joseph!
Joseph
(Appears in the doorway, with a large steaming dish in his hands.) Yes, sir?
Gustave
(Glancing at the dish.) What’s that?
Joseph
The partridges, sir.
Gustave
Give the dish to Virginie and turn this drunken fellow out of doors. And be quick about it.
Joseph
(HandingVirginiethe dish.) Very good, sir. (Going up to theSaint.) Come on, old fellow, didn’t you hear? It’s all very well getting tight; you’ve got to pull yourself together now. Come on! Get out of this! You’d better come quietly, or you’ll regret it: I can be pretty rough when I like. You won’t? You just wait! Open the door, Virginie....
Gustave
Wait, I’ll open it. (Opens the street-door.)
Joseph
That’s it; we’ll soon get rid of him now. (Turning up his sleeves and spitting in his hands.) I’m going to show you what’s what. (He graspsSaint Anthonyfirmly, with the intention of flinging him into the street. TheSaintstands rooted to the spot,Josephlooks nonplussed.) Sir!
Gustave
What’s the matter?
Joseph
I don’t know, sir. He seems fixed. I can’t get him to budge.
Gustave
I’ll help you. (Both of them try to pushSaint Anthonyout, but he remains immovable.Gustave, in an undertone.) Well, upon my soul! He’s dangerous.Be careful. He has the strength of a Hercules. Let’s try being gentle with him. (ToSaint Anthony.) Listen to me, my friend. You understand, don’t you, that, on a day like this, when we’re burying my aunt, my poor dear aunt....
Saint Anthony
I have come to raise her from the dead....
Gustave
But you understand, surely, that this is not the moment.... The partridges are getting cold, the guests are waiting. Besides we are not in the mood for laughing.
Achille
(Appears at the top of the steps, napkin in hand.) What’s the matter, Gustave? What’s up? We’re waiting for the partridges.
Gustave
Our friend here refuses to go away.
Achille
Is he boozed?
Gustave
Well, of course.
Achille
Kick him out and have done with it. I don’t see why our good luncheon should be spoilt for the sake of a dirty drunkard.
Gustave
He won’t go.
Achille
What’s that? Won’t go? We’ll soon see about that!...
Gustave
All right, you try.
Achille
I’m not going to tackle a dirty tramp like him. But there’s Joseph, there’s the coachman.
Gustave
We have tried; it’s no use; and, short of employing absolute violence....
(MoreGuestsappear at the door, most of them with their mouths full, some with their napkins under their arms, others with them tucked under their chins.)
(MoreGuestsappear at the door, most of them with their mouths full, some with their napkins under their arms, others with them tucked under their chins.)
A Guest
What’s it all about?
Another
What are you doing, Gustave?
Another
What does the fellow want?
Another
Where has he sprung from?
Gustave
He won’t go away. It’s another of Virginie’s blunders. As soon as she catches sight of a beggar, she loses her head. It’s really too silly. She let this madman in; and he insists on seeing Aunt Hortense and raising her from the dead.
A Guest
You should send for the police. Why don’t you?
Gustave
No, no; no scandal! I don’t want the police in the house on a day like this.
Achille
(Changing his tone.) Gustave.
Gustave
Well?
Achille
Have you noticed that two or three of the flags are cracked, over there on the left, at the end of the hall?
Gustave
Yes, I know. It doesn’t matter; I’m going to have a mosaic floor to take the place of the flags.
Achille
That’ll look more cheerful....
Gustave
And, better still, more modern. Instead of that door, with the lace curtains, I thought of having a painted window illustrating Hunting, Industry and Progress, with a garland of fruit and game.
Achille
Yes, that will be very nice.
Gustave
As for my office, I intend to have it in there (pointing to the folding-doors), with the clerks’ office opposite.
Achille
When shall you move in?
Gustave
A few days after the funeral. It would not do to come in the very next day.
Achille
No. But meanwhile we must get rid of this chap.
Gustave
He’s made himself quite at home.
Achille
(ToSaint Anthony.) Won’t you have a chair?
Saint Anthony
(Naïvely.) No, thank you. I’m not tired.
Achille
Leave him to me. I’ll soon dispose of him. (Approaching theSaint, in a friendly tone.) Come, my friend, tell us who you are.
Saint Anthony
I am Saint Anthony.
Achille
Yes, yes, you’re right. (To the others.) He sticks to it, but he’s quite harmless. (Noticing theRectoramong theGuestswho have crowded aroundSaint Anthonyand giving him an artful and chaffing look.) And here’s the Rector; he knows you, and wants to pay you his respects. Saints are your business,Father: I know more about ploughs and traction-engines. Here’s an emissary from heaven, Father, great Saint Anthony in person, who would like a word with you. (Under his breath to theRector.) We want to get him quietly to the door, without letting him know. Once he is outside, good-bye.
The Rector
(In an unctuously paternal tone.) Great Saint Anthony, your humble servant bids you welcome to this world, which you have deigned to honour with your celestial presence. What does your Holiness wish?
Saint Anthony
To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
The Rector
It’s true that she’s dead, poor lady!Well, the miracle should present no difficulty to the greatest of our saints. The dear departed had a particular devotion to you. I will take you to her, if your Holiness will be good enough to come with me. (He goes to the street-door and beckons toSaint Anthony.) This way, please.
Saint Anthony
(Pointing to the folding-doors.) No, that way, in there....
The Rector
(Still more unctuously.) Your Holiness will pardon me if I venture to contradict you, but the corpse, because of the influx of visitors, has been removed to the house opposite, which, I may mention, also belonged to the dear departed.
Saint Anthony
(Pointing to the folding-doors.) She is in there.
The Rector
(More and more unctuously.) Let me beg your Holiness, in order to convince yourself to the contrary, to accompany me for a moment into the street, where you will see the candles and the black hangings....
Saint Anthony
(Imperturbably, still pointing to the folding-doors.) That is where I shall go.
A Guest
Did you ever hear any one like him?
Gustave
He’s going a trifle too far.
A Guest
Let us open the door and all of us push him out together.
Gustave
No, no; no scene! He might lose his temper. He’s very dangerous; he’s enormously strong. Keep your hands off him. Joseph and I, who are no weaklings, either of us, couldn’t make him move an inch. It’s funny, but he seems rooted to the soil.
Achille
But who told him that the corpse was in there?
Gustave
Virginie, of course; she’s been babbling for all she’s worth.
Virginie
Me, sir? Excuse me, sir, not me; I wasattending to my work. I answered yes and no, nothing else.... Didn’t I, Saint Anthony? (TheSaintmakes no reply.) Well, can’t you answer when you’re asked a civil question?
Saint Anthony
She did not tell me.
Virginie
There, you see! He’s a saint; he knew it all beforehand. I tell you, there’s nothing he doesn’t know.
Achille
(Going to theSaintand tapping him amicably on the shoulder.) Now then, my fine fellow, come on; put your best foot forward, what!
The Guests
Will he go, or won’t he?
Achille
I have an idea.
Gustave
What’s that?
Achille
Where’s the doctor?
A Guest
He’s still at table; he’s finishing up the trout....
Gustave
(ToJoseph.) Go and fetch him. (ExitJoseph.) You’re right, he’s a madman; it’s the doctor’s business. (EnterJosephand theDoctor.)
The Doctor
(Appears with his mouth full and his napkin tucked under his chin.) What’sup? Is he mad? Is he ill? Is he drunk? (Looking theSaintover.) Why, it’s a beggar! I’m of no use in his case. Well, my friend, are things going badly? Is there something we want?
Saint Anthony
I want to raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
The Doctor
Ah, I see you’re not a medical man! May I have your hand? (Feels theSaint’spulse.) Any pain?
Saint Anthony
No.
The Doctor
(Feeling his head and forehead.) And here? Does it hurt when I press my finger?
Saint Anthony
No.
The Doctor
Excellent, excellent! Do you ever feel giddy?
Saint Anthony
Never.
The Doctor
And in the past ... no accident, at any time? Let’s have a look at your chest. Say “Ah!” That’s right. Once more; deep breath. Deeper, deeper. That’s right.... And what is it you want, my man?
Saint Anthony
To go into that room.
The Doctor
What for?
Saint Anthony
To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
The Doctor
She’s not there.
Saint Anthony
She is there. I see her.
Gustave
He sticks to it.
Achille
Couldn’t you give him a hypodermic injection?
The Doctor
What for?
Achille
To send him to sleep. Then we would put him in the street.
The Doctor
No, no; no nonsense. Besides, it’s dangerous.
Achille
That’s his look out, not ours. We’re not paid to take care of madmen, tramps or drunkards.
The Doctor
Shall I give you my opinion?
Gustave
I wish you would.
The Doctor
We have to do with a madman, a rather feeble-minded and quite harmless monomaniac, who may become dangerous, however, if we thwart him. I know the type.... We are among ourselves; moreover, strange though the experiment which he proposes may seem, it involves no lack ofrespect for the dear departed.... That being so, I don’t see why, in order to avoid any scandal and since he’s asking such a simple thing, we shouldn’t allow him to go into the room for a moment.
Gustave
Never! What’s the world coming to, if the first person that comes along can force his way like this into a respectable household, under the ridiculous pretext of bringing back to life a dead woman who has never done him any harm?
The Doctor
As you please; it’s for you to decide. On the one hand, you have an inevitable scandal, for nothing will make him give up his idea; on the other, a small concession which costs you nothing.
Achille
The doctor’s right....
The Doctor
There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll take the whole responsibility. Besides, we shall all be there and we shall go in with him.
Gustave
Very well, then, let’s have done with it.... But, whatever happens, don’t let this ludicrous incident get about, will you?
Achille
Aunt Hortense’s jewels are put out on the mantelpiece....
Gustave
I know. I’ll keep an eye on them, for I confess that I don’t trust him. (ToSaint Anthony.) It’s this way, come in. But be quick about it; we haven’t lunched yet.