LETTER XVI
IN WHICH I AM MADE A GRAMMARIAN
Dear Mom:
Well here it is a Sunday morning and I have got no job and I have got no lover and I am sure in the dumps. But Mom you have got to see Walter for me quick as you can and explain to him how foolish he is been to quarrel with me because it is all true like I told him. You must make him understand that Mr. Edgerton really is the Secretary to the Spokesman and that the great Man up at the big white house does really say everything that me and Mr. Edgerton says for Him to say. And if it is not always true what He says well I know how shocked I was when I first found it out but you that have been a great actress can explain to that poor kid Walter how it is that you have got to play the play the way it is wrote and not the way you think it had ought to be.
And if you can fix it up with Walter you do not have to worry about me Mom for I will sure get some job even if I have to go to work in a factory. And I am going to go straight for your sake and Pop’s even if Walter does believe all them hateful things about me that he said to me and right before Mr. Edgerton. Well I am going to rest my tired feet today and tomorrow I will start out looking for a job in a department store.
P. S. Oh Mom I have had the most wonderful good fortune! I told you onst that I am Cinderella and that the fairy coach was waiting for me and now it is going to take me right almost into the palace!
Well Monday a. m. I start out hunting a job and the sun is come out hot and it is like summer and I have got on my winter suit and I am nearly fainting so I have to go home and change it and gee all that I have got is a shirtwaist that is got a darn in the elbow and my old blue skirt that is all faded and it sure does make me miserable to look like that when I have been such a real lady all winter. But I put it on and am starting out again when my landlady calls me she is got a telegram that is come for me it is got no name signed but it says for me to come to lunch at the little cheap place where we have et when we was scared of Mrs. Edgerton. And of course I know it is Mr. Edgerton and I want to run back and get my good clothes on but I am late already and have got to hustle for the street car.
Well there is Mr. Edgerton waiting for me and he has been there quite a while and he says there is a serious emergency in the government and he needs my advice and it is very inconvenient not to be able to get me quick when he needs me. And I says, “I am so sorry but I was out hunting for a job.”
“What?” he says. “A job? Why is that?”
“Did you not understand that I am no more at the Elite Beauty Parlors?” I says.
“Yes,” he says, “but I thought you must of got something better.”
“I have not got nothing,” I says. “I left that place because I am a free American citizen,” I says, “and I would not stand for having that old she-devil bossing me about. And all them girls is a pack of sheep but I am one that is got some spirit.”
“Of course,” he says. “And what are your plans?”
“I am trying to get into a department store.”
“Oh Miss Riggs,” he says, “but do not do that because you had ought to have some job that will leave you time to get off now and then when your country needs you,” he says.
“That is all very well,” I says, “but my country has never showed me no such job,” I says.
“But why did you not tell me about it?” he says.
“I did not have a chanced,” I says, “what with the way that crazy boy Walter behaved and made me so ashamed and anyhow I am not going to put my troubles off on you,” I says.
“Troubles?” he says. “But that is absurd Miss Riggs. What is an Administration for if it is not to have jobs?”
“You mean that you can find me one?” I says and my heart is give a jump with excitement.
“Why of course,” he says. “I am the Grand Mogul of Jobs,” he says. “I carry lists of them around with me I sometimes have more jobs than I can find people,” he says.
And sure enough he pulls out some papers from his pocket and there is a long printed list and he says these is civil service jobs for which there is to be examinations. “And let us see now,” and he studies it and he reads, “Geographer,” and he says, “Do you think you would like to be a Geographer?” And I says, “My God what does that do?” And then he reads, “Geologist,” and he says, “That might sound pretty good.”
But I says, “How can I pass an examination for such jobs as them?” and he says, “You do not have to worry about that we can pay somebody to do that for you,” he says, and then he reads, “Grammarian,” and he says, “There now I think that would be a fine job for you there is something cultured about being a Grammarian.”
“But dear me,” I says, “what would I have to do?” And he says, “You will not have to do nothing,” he says, “there is always an assistant that does the work for half as much,” he says. And I says, “Is that what they call economy?” and he says, “It is a system,” he says. “How could you keep politics going unless people had jobs in between elections? But it is common sense you can see that politicians do not have no time to learn to be geographers and geologists and grammarians and so there have got to be assistants that know that sort of work and keep the assistants’ jobs all the time no matter who gets elected,” he says.
And then he says, “You will be Grammarian to the Bureau of Indian Affairs of the Department of the Interior,” he says. And I says, “Can they put somebody off on a departmentlike that?” And he says, “Oh sure it is done all the time there is the private secretary to the Spokeslady there was no provision for such but She wanted one so they put it off on the Interstate Trade Commission,” he says.
And he goes on to study the list and he says, “This is not a very good job for the salary is only $26 per week.” “Man alive,” I says, “that is more money than I have ever had all at once in my life I think!” He says, “You will find your tastes grow and in a year you will be wanting your own car,” he says.
And then he thinks a bit and he says, “Maybe we can get you an allowance for travelling expenses.” I says, “Does a Grammarian have to travel?” and he says, “We will have you made a Field Grammarian and then you will be able to go wherever you want to and that will be necessary anyhow because you see if it stays hot like this very long the Spokesman will be moving to His summer home and I will have to go there and so will you and it will be much better if you have a government position then because it will not look so bad if we are saw together in a small town.”
And then he looks at me a moment and he says kind of hesitating, “Miss Riggs, will you pardon me if I am extremely personal for a moment?” And I says, “Go to it,” and then he tells me that the fashion in the present Administration is for a different shade of ladies’ hair from what I have got. “The old Administration was what you might call a peroxide one,” he says, “but the present one runs to pastel shades and I think it would be easier for both of us if you was to tone yours down. I don’t know much about it, but I suppose there is ways.”
“Oh sure,” I says, “what have I been in a beauty parlors for? I can cut most of it off and wear some sort of a turban effect till the new color grows out,” I says. “Or I can cut it real short and say that I have had the typhoid fever or something.” And he says, “All right typhoid is more respectable than peroxide and when you have got that done we can go to better restaurants for our dinners.”
Well so then I says, “How is the missus getting along these days and has she said anything more about me?”
And he tells me that she has got something new to occupy her mind she is being syked—I don’t know if that quite the right word but it is the way it sounds and he explained to me the way to be syked there is a man and you pay him ten dollars an hour to listen to you tell him all your troubles and about your soul and he says that it is got to be the mostfashionable thing for ladies to be syked. And I says, “It is a pretty expensive fashion it seems to me,” but he says, “My God no not at all this town is full of husbands that would pay a man ten dollars an hour to listen to their wife’s troubles all day long and the night too,” he says. “And it is a great relief to their friends as well.” And I says, “Then while she is being syked you and me can go to dinner,” and he says, “Exactly.”
Well then he tells me what it is that he wants to ask me about and it seems there is an international problem because there is a Hungarian count that wants to come into this country because his wife is here and she is sick but he is not being let to come because they say he is a Bolshiviki but there is an awful fuss being made about it.
And I says, “But why I thought we had regular laws to keep them Dagos and Hunkies and Wops out of this country.” And he says, “Yes, but this one is a sure enough count and is a rich man too and the laws is not meant for that sort. And besides,” he says “the state department is not got very much nerve just now the old gentleman that is in charge of it is called by the name of Scared Sally and he is even more scared than the Spokesman Himself. He was a senator from his home state but that state kicked him out and so the Spokesman is give him a home in the cabinet; and he is scared of this Bolshiviki count to let him in and he is scared to not let him in and they are all in a terrible stew up at the big white house and this evening there is got to be a statement give out about why he is not let in and they can’t think of no reasons except some that they cannot give out.”
“And what is them?” I says and he tells me a funny story, gee it is complicated these international affairs!
It seems that some of the young fellers in this state department is gone and got themselves wives out of this here foreign nobility thinking it was something extra swell you know but now there is come revolutions and all these Dago counts and Hunky princes and Wop grand dukes is kicked out or is about to get kicked out and the young men in the state department finds themselves stuck with second-hand wives as you might say that is to say they is badly faded and passay and not noble or swell no more. In this here country of Hungary they have got back but only for a little while because this Bolshiviki count is going to kick them out again and so they hate him and that is why our state department is fighting so hard to help them and keep the secretarie’s wives noble as long as it can be done. And that is why our governmentlends loans to these countries and why they dassn’t allow that nobody shall come in from them countries and tell what is going on there.
And I says, “But Mr. Edgerton it seems to me that in a case like that it is very plain what to do.” “And what is it?” he says. And I says, “I would say that it is a situation that the least said about it the better.” And he says, “Yes of course.” And I says, “Then why not say the least?” And he says, “What is the least?” And I says, “The least is nothing.”
Well he looks at me like I was prophet come down from heaven or something and he says, “My God Miss Riggs you are a wonder!” “No,” I says, “I am only a field Grammarian,” I says, “but even so I can see that when there is nothing you can say the thing to do is to hold your mouth. And I have heard so much in the papers about this Spokesman being a Strong Silent Man and it is seems to me that this is just the time for Him to be Strong in His Silence and Silent in His Strength,” I says, “and you had better just make up your mind that this here Bolshiviki count stays out and that nobody says a word about it from the first to the last,” I says, “and that is the way I would play the game of politics if I was Him.”
And he says, “Miss Riggs youareHim, I believe! You are Him in the Female Incarnation!” And so I am
Your very flattered
Mame.