Thesaurum & talentum ne abscondas in agro.SigniorGuisippe Hanesio, High GermanAstrologer and Chymist; seventh son of a son, unborn doctor of above sixty years experience, educated at twelve universities, having travelled thro’ fifty two kingdoms, and been counsellor to counsellors of several monarchs.Hoc juris publici in communem utilitatem publicum fecit.WHO by the blessing ofÆsculapiuson his great pains, travels, and nocturnal lucubrations, has attain’d to a greater share of knowledge than any person before him was ever known to do.Imprimis, Gentlemen, I present you with my universal solutive, orCathartic Elixir, which corrects all the cacochymic and cachexical diseases of the intestines; cures all internal and external diseases, all vertiginous vapours, hydrocephalus, giddiness, or swimming of the head, epileptic fits, flowing of the gall, stoppage of urine, ulcers in the womb and bladder; with many other distempers, not hitherto distinguish’d by name.Secondly, My friendly pill, call’d,the never failing Heliogenes, being the tincture of the sun, and deriving vigour, influence and dominion, from the same light; it causes all complexions to laugh or smile, even in the very time of taking it; which it effects, by dilating and expanding the gelastic muscles, first of all discover’d by my self. It dulcifies the whole mass of the blood, maintains its
Thesaurum & talentum ne abscondas in agro.
SigniorGuisippe Hanesio, High GermanAstrologer and Chymist; seventh son of a son, unborn doctor of above sixty years experience, educated at twelve universities, having travelled thro’ fifty two kingdoms, and been counsellor to counsellors of several monarchs.
Hoc juris publici in communem utilitatem publicum fecit.
WHO by the blessing ofÆsculapiuson his great pains, travels, and nocturnal lucubrations, has attain’d to a greater share of knowledge than any person before him was ever known to do.
Imprimis, Gentlemen, I present you with my universal solutive, orCathartic Elixir, which corrects all the cacochymic and cachexical diseases of the intestines; cures all internal and external diseases, all vertiginous vapours, hydrocephalus, giddiness, or swimming of the head, epileptic fits, flowing of the gall, stoppage of urine, ulcers in the womb and bladder; with many other distempers, not hitherto distinguish’d by name.
Secondly, My friendly pill, call’d,the never failing Heliogenes, being the tincture of the sun, and deriving vigour, influence and dominion, from the same light; it causes all complexions to laugh or smile, even in the very time of taking it; which it effects, by dilating and expanding the gelastic muscles, first of all discover’d by my self. It dulcifies the whole mass of the blood, maintains its
circulation, reforms the digestion of the chylon, fortifies the opthalmic nerves, clears the officina intelligentiæ, corrects the exorbitancy of the spleen, mundifies the hypogastrium, comforts the sphincter, and is an excellent remedy against the prosopochlorosis, or green-sickness, sterility, and all obstructions whatever. They operate seven several ways in, order, as nature herself requires; for they scorn to be confin’d to any particular way of operation,viz.hypnotically; by throwing the party into a gentle slumber; hydrotically by their operitive faculty, in opening the interstitia pororum; carthartically, by cleansing the bowels of all crudities and tartarous mucilage, with which they abound; proppysmatically, by forcing the wind downward; hydragogically, by exciting urine; pneumatically, by exhilerating the spirits; and lastly, synecdochically, by corroborating the wholeoeconomia animalis. They are twenty or more in every tin-box, sealed with my coat of arms, which are,Three clyster pipes erectgules,in a field argent; my crest,a bloody hand out of a mortar, emergent; and my supporters,a Chymist and an Apothecary. ThisTinctura Solaris, or most noble off-spring ofHyperion’s golden influence, wipes off abstersively all those tenacious, conglomerated, sedimental sordes, that adhere to the œsophagus and viscera, extinguishes all supernatural ferments and ebullitions; and, in fine, annihilates all the nosotrophical or morbific ideas of the whole corporealcompages.
Thirdly, MyPanagion Outacousticon, or auricular restorative: were it possible to show me a man so deaf, that if a demiculverin were to be let off under his ear, he could not hear the report, yet these infallible drops (first invented by the two famous physician-brothers, St.Cosmus, and St.Damian, call’d theAnargyriin the ancientGreekmenologies; and some forty years ago, communicated to me byAnastasio Logotheti, aGreekcollier atAdrianople, when I was invited into those parts to cure sultanMahometIV. of an elephantiasis in his diaphragm) would recover his auditive faculty, and make him hear as smartly as an old fumbling priest, when a young wench gives him account of her lost maiden-head at the confessional.
Fourthly, MyAnodyne Spirit, excellent to ease pain, when taken inwardly, and applied outwardly, excellent for any lameness, shrinking or contraction of the nerves; for eyes,deafness, pain and noise in the ears; and all odontalgic, as well as podagrical inflammations.
Fifthly, MyAntidotus Antivenerealis; which effectually cures all gonorrheas, carnosities in the delinquent part, tumours, phymosis, paraphymosis, christalline priapisms, hemorrhoids, cantillamata, ragades, bubos, imposthumations, carbuncles, genicular nodes, and the like, without either baths or stoves; as also without mercury so often destructive to the poor patient, with that privacy, that the nearest relation shall not perceive it.
Sixthly, MyPectoral Lozenges, orBalsamofBalsams, which effectually carries off all windy and tedious coughs, spitting of blood, wheezing in the larynx and ptyalismus, let it be never so inveterate.
Seventhly, andlastly, MyPulvis Vermifugus, orAntivermatic Powderbrings up the rear, so famous for killing and bringing away all sorts of worms incident to human bodies breaking their complicated knots in theduodenum, and dissolving the phlegmatick crudities that produce those anthropophagous vermin. It has brought away, by urine, worms as long as the may-pole in theStrand, when it flourish’d in its primitive prolixity, tho’, I confess, not altogether so thick. In short, ’tis a specifick catholicon for the cholick, expels winds by eructation, or otherwise; accelerates digestion, and creates an appetite to a miracle.
I dexterously couch the cataract or suffusion, extirpate wens of the greatest magnitude, close up hair-lips, whether treble or quadruple; cure the polipus upon the nose, and all scrophulous tumours, cancers in the breast,Noli me tangeri’s, St.Anthony’s fire, by my new inventedunguentum Antipyreticum, excrescences, or superfluous flesh in the mouth of the bladder or womb; likewise I take the stone from women or maids without cutting.
I have steel trusses, and instruments of a new invention, together with never-failing medicines and methods to cure ruptures, and knit the peritonæum. And here I cannot forbear to communicate an useful piece of knowledge to the world, which is, that with the learnedVillipandus, in his excellent treatise,de congrubilitate materiæ primæ cum confessione Augustana, I take a rupture to be a relaxation of the natural cavities, at the bottom of the cremaster muscles. But this,en passant, I forge allmy self; nay my very machines for safe and easy drawing teeth and obscure stumps. Mrs.Littlehand, midwife to the princess ofPhlegethon, can sufficiently inform the women of my helps, and what I do for the disruption of the fundament and uterus, and other strange infirmities of the matrix, occasioned by the bearing of children, violent coughing, heavy work,&c.which I challenge any person in theAcheronticdominions to perform, but my self.
If any woman be unwilling to speak to me, they may have the conveniency of speaking to my wife, who is expert in all feminine distempers. She has an excellent cosmetick water to carry off freckles, sun-burn, or pimples; and a curious red pomatum to plump and colour the lips. She can make red hair as white as a lilly; she shapes the eyebrows to a miracle; makes low foreheads as high as you please, has a never failing remedy for offensive breaths, a famous essence to correct the ill scent of the arm-pits, a rich water that makes the hair curl, a most delicate paste to smooth and whiten the hands; also,
A rare secret that takes away all warts,From the face, hands, fingers, and privy-parts.
A rare secret that takes away all warts,From the face, hands, fingers, and privy-parts.
A rare secret that takes away all warts,From the face, hands, fingers, and privy-parts.
Those who are not able to come to me, let them send their urine, especially that made after midnight, and on sight of it, I will tell them what their distemper is, and whether curable or no. Nay, let a man be in never so perfect health of body, his constitution never so vigorous and athletical, if he shews me his water, I can as infallibly predict what distemper will first attack him, though perhaps it will be thirty or forty years hence, as an astronomer, by the rules of his science, can foretel solar or lunar eclipses the year before they happen. I have predicted miraculous things by the pulse, far above any philosopher: by it, I not only discover the circumstances of the body; but if the party be a woman, I can foretel how many husbands and children she shall have; if a tradesman whether his wife will fortify his forehead with horns; and so of the rest. This is not all, but I will engage to tell any serious persons what their business is on every radical figure, before they speak one word; what has already happen’d to them from their very infancy down to the individual hour of their consulting me, what their present circumstances are, what will happen to them hereafter; in what part of the body they have moles; what colour and magnitude they are of; and lastly, how profited, that is, whether they calminate equinoctially or horizontally upon theMesogastrium; from which place alone, and no other, as the profoundTrismegistushas observ’d before me, in his elaborate treatisede erroribus Styli Gregoriani, all solid conjectures are to be formed.
I have likewise attained to the green, golden and black dragon, known to none but magicians and hermatic philosophers; I tell the meaning of all magical panticles, sigils, charms and lameness, and have a glass, and help to further marriage; and what is more, by my learning and great travels, I have obtained the true and perfect seed and blossom of the female fern; and infinitely improv’d that great traveller majorJohn Coke’s famous necklaces for breeding of teeth. The spring being already advanc’d, which is the properest season for preventing new, and renewing old distempers, neglect not this opportunity——
My hours are from nine till twelve in the morning, and from two in the afternoon till nine at night, every day in the week, except on the real christian sabbath, calledSaturday.
It may be of use to keep this advertisement.
This, gentlemen, is an exact copy of my bill, which has been carefully distributed all over this populous city, pasted upon the chief gates and churches; and since dispersed by two running messengers,Theophrastus ParacelsusandCornelius Agrippa, all over kingPluto’s dominions. I forgot to tell you, that finding it absolutely necessary to take me a wife, (the women in certain cases that shall be nameless, being unwilling to consult any but those of their own sex) I was advised by some friends to make my applications to the famousCleopatraqueen ofEgypt, who being a person of great experience, and notably well skill’d in theArcana’s of nature, would in all probability make me an admirable spouse. In short, after half a dozen meetings, rather for form sake than anything else, the bargain was struck, and a match concluded between herAlexandrianmajesty and myself; cardinalWolsey, who is now curate of a small village, to the tune of four marksper annum, and the magnificent perquisites of a bear and fiddle, perform’d the holy ceremony:AmphionofThebesdiverted us at dinner with his crowd, and all the whileMolinos, the quietist, danced aLancashirejigg. SirThomas Pilkington, who, as I told you in my last, is become a most furious rhime-tagger or versificator, composed theepithilamium; andSardanapalus,Caligula,Nero,Heliogabalus, and popeAlexanderVII. were pleas’d to throw the stocking. Her majesty, to do her a piece of common justice, proves a most dutiful and laborious wife, spreads all my plaisters, makes all my unguents, distills all my waters, and pleases my customers beyond expression.
Thus, gentlemen, you see my bill, by which you may guess whether I don’t infinitely surpass those empty pretending quacks of your world, who confine their narrow talent to one distemper, which they cure but by one remedy; whereas all diseases are alike to me, and I have a hundred several ways to extirpate them. I shall now trespass so far upon your patience, as to present you with the catalogue of my cures, which being somewhat singular, and out of the way, I have the vanity to believe will not be unwelcome to you——
A true and faithful Catalogue of some remarkable Cures perform’d in the otherWorld,by the famous SigniorGiusippe Hanesio,High-GermanDoctorandAstrologer.
A true and faithful Catalogue of some remarkable Cures perform’d in the otherWorld,by the famous SigniorGiusippe Hanesio,High-GermanDoctorandAstrologer.
ByPluto’s Authority.
Hic est quam legis, ille quam requiris,Totis notus in inferisJosephus.
Hic est quam legis, ille quam requiris,Totis notus in inferisJosephus.
Hic est quam legis, ille quam requiris,Totis notus in inferisJosephus.
BEcause I am so much a person of honour and integrity, that even in this lower world I would not forfeit my reputation, I desire my incredulous adversaries (of which number, being a stranger to this place, I presume I have but too many) to get if they can to the upper regions, and satisfy themselves of the truth of my admirable performances. To begin then with those of quality.
PopeInnocentthe eleventh was so strangely over run with a complication ofJansenism,Quietism, andLutheranism, that not only his nephew, DonLivio Odeschalchi, but the whole sacred consistory despaired of his recovery; I so mundify’d his intellectuals with my catholick essence ofHellebore, that he continuedrectus in cerebromany years after; and if theFrenchambassador, by making such a hubbub about his quarters, occasion’d old infallibility to relapse,Loüis le Grandmust answer for it, and not signiorGiusippe.
I cured the lateSophyofPersia,Shaw Solymanby name, of aFebris Tumulenta, so that he could digest the exactions and blood of a whole province, hold his hand as steady asHarry Killegrewafter a quart of surfeit water in a morning; and if he dy’d presently after, let his eunuchs and whores look to that, if one with their politicks, and the other with their tails, spoil’d the operation of myElixir magnum stomachicum.
I curedAureng-Zebe, the old mogul, of anepilepsia fanatica, with which he was afflicted to that degree, that patents were dispatch’d, and persons named to go ambassadors extraordinary toWilliam Pen,George Whitehead,William Mede; thePhiladelphians,Cameronians,Jesuits, andJacobian Whiskerites, for a communication of diseases and remedies; but by my cephalick snuff and tincture, I made him as clear headed a rake as ever got drunk with classics at the university, or expoundedHoraceinWill’s coffee-house; and messengers were sent thro’ all his empire to get himDutry,Bung,Satyrion,Cantharides,Whores, andSchyraz wine; and if he has since fallen down to hisAlcoranand the flat effects of ninety seven years of age, blame his damn’d courtiers and not me, that instead of nicking the nice operation of the medicine, let in books and priests, to debauch his understanding.
I cured theMahometanpredestinarianSultanof the greatEast IndiaislandBorneo, of want of blood, by counselling him to follow his inclinations and bathe in it, that he might restore himself by spight and percolation; but vexations from hisDivan, the neighbour emperor ofChina, a saucy young jackanapes, and a sorrel hair’d female gave him such jolts, that quite spoil’d the continuance of the noblest cure in the world.
Peter Alexowitz, present czar ofMuscovy, fell ill of aCalentureinLondon, occasion’d by putting too great a quantity of gun-powder into his usquebaugh, and pepper into his brandy; all the topping doctors of the town were sent for, and apply’d theirCortexandOpiumto no purpose. What should I do in this pinch, but order’d a hole to be made in theThamesfor him, as they do for the ducks in St.James’s-Park, it being then an excessive frost, sous’d him over head and ears morning and night, and by this noble experiment not only recovered him, but likewise gave a hint to the setting up of a cold-bath near SirJohn Oldcastle’s which has done such miracles since.
I cured a noble peer, aged sixty seven, of a perpetual priapism, so that now his pimping valets, and footmen, his bawds, spirit ofClary, and a maidenhead of fourteen can hardly raise him, who before was scarce to be trusted with his own family; nay, his own wife: and now he’s as continent and virtuous a statesman as ever lin’d his inward letchery with outward gravity.
A noble peeress, that lives not full a hundred miles from St.James’s square, in the sixty sixth year of her age, was seiz’d with afuror uterinus; by plying her ladyship with a few drops of myAntepyretical Essence, extracted from a certain vegetable gathered under the artic pole, and known to no body but myself, I perfectly allay’d this preternatural ferment; and now she lies at quiet, tho’ both her hands are unty’d as a new swaddled babe, and handles no rascals butPam, and his gay fellows of the cards.
Honoraria Frail, eldest daughter to my old ladyFrailofRed-Lyon-Square, by too prodigally distributingles dernieres feveursto her mother’s sandy pated coachman and pages, had so strangely dilated the gatesdu citadel d’amour, that one might have marched a regiment of dragoons thro’ them. Her mother, who was in the greatest perplexities imaginable upon the score of this disaster, sent to consult me: With half a dozen drops of myAqua Styptica,Hymenealis, I so contracted all the avenues of the aforesaid citadel, that theYorkshireknight that marry’d her, spent above a hundred small-shot against the walls, andbombarded the fortress a full fortnight before he cou’d enter it; and now they are the happiest couple within the bills of mortality.
I renewed the youth from the girdle downwards of madamde Maintenon, so that she afforded all the delights imaginable, to her old grand lover in imagination, and to the younger bigots and herself in reality: while her face still remain’d as great an object of mortification as her beads, death’s-head, and discipline; and this noble cure still remains to be view’d by all the world.
Harry Higdenof theTemple, counsellor, was so miserably troubled with the long vacation disease, or thedefectus crumenæ, that the sage benchers of the house threatned to padlock his chamber door for non-payment of rent. He asked my advice in this exigence: I, who knew the full strength of his furniture, which consisted of a rug, two blankets, a joint-stool, and a tin-candlestick, that served him for a piss-pot when revers’d, counselled him to take his door off the hinges, and lock it up in his study. He followed my advice, and by that means escaped the abovemention’d ostracism of the padlock.
Margaret Cheatly, bawd, match-maker, and mid-wife ofBloomsbury, by immoderate drinking of strong-waters, had got a nose so termagantly rubicund, that she out-blazed the comet: my cosmeticFlorentine-unguent, absolutely reform’d this inflammation, and now she looks as soberly as a dissenting minister’s goggle-ey’d convenience.
Jerry Scandal, whale and ghost printer inWhite-Friers, had plagued the town above ten years with apparitions, murders, catechisms, and the like stuff; by showing him the phiz of terribleRobinin my green magic-glass, I so effectually frighted him, that he has since demolish’d all his letters, dismissed his hawkers, flung up his business, and instead of news, cries flounders and red-herrings about the streets.
Joachim Hazard, ofCripplegateparish inWhite-cross-street, almost at the farther end nearOld-street, turning in at the sign of theWhite CrowinGoat-alley, strait forward, down three-steps at the sign of theGlobe, was so be-devil’d with the spirit of lying, that he out-did two hard mouth’d evidences in their own profession, and could not open his mouth without romancing; I made himsnuff up some half a score drops of myElixir Alethinum, and now he has left off fortune-telling and astrology, and is return’d to his primitive trade of weaving.
Farmer Frizzle-pate, ofBullington, nearAndover, had been blind thirty five years and upwards; myOphthalmickdrops restor’d him to his sight in a minute, and now he can read aGenevabible without spectacles. A certificate of this miraculous cure, I have under the hand of the parson of the parish, and his amen-curler.
I cured aKentishparson of anInfirmitas Memoriæ, which he got by a jumble of hisGlandula Pinealis, after a bowl of punch and a boxing-bout. He was reduc’d to that deplorable condition, as to turn over play-books instead of his concordance, quoteQuæ Genusinstead of St.Austin; nay, he forgot tythe-eggs, demandedEasterdues atMartinmas, bidBartholomew-Fairinstead ofAsh-Wednesday; and frequently mistook the service of matrimony, for that of the dead: what is yet more surprising, he forgot even to drink over his left thumb; but now he has as staunch a memory, as a pawn-broker for the day of the month; a country attorney for mischief; or a popish clergyman for revenge.
I cured serjeantDolthead, of a prodigious itch in the palms of his hands: A most wonderful cure! for now he refuses fees, as heartily as a young wench does an ugly fellow, when she has a handsome one in view; his attorney is run mad, his wife is turn’d bawd to take double fees; and his daughters mantua-makers and whores, to get by two trades.
An eminent coach-keeping physician was troubled with aFarrago Medicinarum, or aTumor Prescriptionalisto that monstrous degree, that he writ bills by the ell, and prescribed medicines by the hogshead and wheelbarrow-full. To the amazement of all that knew him: I have effectually cured him on’t; for he now writes but three words, prescribes but two scruples, leaves people to a wholesome kitchen-diet, and nature has undone the sexton and funeral undertaker; and the overstock’d parish has petitioned the privy-council to send out a new coloney to theWest-Indies.
I cured a certain head of a college, of aHebetude Cerebri; so that he now jokes with the bachelors and juniorfry, goes to the dancing-school with the fellow-commoners; and next act will be able to make a wholeterræ filius’s speech himself.
An apothecary inCheapside, was so strangely over-run with anInundatio Veneni, that the grass grew in the parish round him; but now, thanks to the cure I wrought upon him, he has reduc’d his shop to the compass of a raree-show, gets but ten pence in the shilling, let the neighbouring infants grow up to men; and is going to build an hospital for decay’d prize-fighters and dragoons.
I cured a vintner behind theExchange, of aMixtura Diabolica, so that now he hates apples as much as our forefather after his kick on the arse out of paradice; shuns a drugster’s shop, as much as a broken cit does a serjeant; swears he’ll clear but ten thousand pounds in five years, and then set up for psalm-singing, and sleeping under the pulpit.
I cured aNorfolkattorney of theScabies Causidico Rabularies, another prodigious cure never perform’d before; so that now he’s as quiet as a cramb’d capon among barn door hens, he won’t so much as scratch for his food; his uncle the counseller has disinherited him; and since he has listed himself for a foot soldier.
I cured anAmsterdamburgomaster’s wife of barrenness, so that now she has two children at a birth; besides a brace of sooterkins every year, and even now in these low-countries (so effectual are my remedies) I am teaz’d with daily messages, for astringents and flood gates, to help the poor pains-taking mortal in his aquatic situation.
Pierre Babillard,Frenchvalet and pimp in ordinary to my lordDemure, was troubled with theGlosso-mania, or that epidemical disease ofNormandy, the talking sickness. He not only prattled all night in his sleep, but his clack went incessantly all day long; the cook-maid and nurse were talk’d quite deaf by him; whereas his master labour’d under the contrary extreme, and by his good will wou’d not strike once in twenty four hours; by the most stupendous operation that ever was known, (for the transfusion of one animal’s blood into another, so much boasted of by the royal society, is not to be compared to it) I transfused some of theFrenchvalet’s loquacity into the noble peer,and some of the noble peer’s taciturnity into theFrenchvalet; so that now, to the great consolation of the family, my lord sometimes talks, and MonsieurBabillardsometimes holds his tongue.
SirBlunder Dullman, professor of rhetorick, and orator to the ancient city ofAugusta Trinobantum, had been troubled, ever from his infancy with that epidemical magistrate’s distemper, theBosinLingua; so that whenever he made any speeches, the gentlemen were ready to split their sides, and the ladies to bepiss themselves with laughing at the singularities of his discourse. By myPulvis Cephalicus, I so far recover’d him, that he cou’d draw up his tropes and metaphors in good order, and harangue you twenty lines upon the stretch, without making above the same number of blunders. If he has since relapsed, ’tis no fault of mine, but he may e’en thank his city conversation for it.
Dinah Fribble, eldest daughter toJonathan FribbleofThames-street, tallow-chandler, was so enormously given to the language of oldBabylon, that she would talk bawdy before her mother, her grandmother, and godmother; nay, name the two beastly monosyllables before the doctor and lecturer of the parish. Her father, one of the worshipful elders ofSalters-hall, wondered how a child so religiously educated, fed from her cradle with the crumbs of comfort, and lull’d daily asleep withHopkinsandSternhold, should labour under so obscene a dispensation. In short, I was sent for, pour’d some twenty drops of myAnti-Asmodeanessence into her nostrils, and the next morning a huge thunderingPriapuseleven inches long, came out of her left ear; she’s now perfectly recover’d, talks as piously, and behaves herself as gravely as the demurest female in the neighbourhood.
Daniel Guzzle, Inn-keeper inSouthwark, by perpetual tippling with his customers, was so inordinately swell’d with a dropsy, that SirJohn Falstaff, inHarrythe fourth, was a meer skeleton to him. I tapp’d hisHeidelburg-Abdomen, and so vast an inundation issued from him, that if the stream had continued a quarter of an hour longer, it would have overflowed the whole borough, and made a second cataclysm. He is now perfectly cured, is as slender as a beau that has been twice salivated for a shape; runs up the monument some half a score times every morning for his diversion, jumps thro’ a hoop, makes nothing of leaping over a five-barr’d gate; and the famous Mr.BarnesofRotherhithhas enter’d him into his company.
Obadiah Hemming, Taylor, at the sign of theRed-WastcoatandBlazing-Star, nearTower-Hill, was troubled with so unmerciful aPtisick, that no body in the family could sleep for him: I ply’d him with myAntitussient Pillula Pulmonaris, but without effect. I wondered how the devil my never-failing remedy disappointed me! cries I to him, honest friend, what may your name be?Obadiah Hemming, says he. Very well; and what parish do you live in;All-hallows-Barking. Oh, ho! I have now found out the secret how my pills came to miscarry; why, friend, thou hast a damn’d ptisical name, and livest in a confounded ptisical parish: come call thyselfObadiah Bowman, and get thee toHampstead,Highgate, or any place butAll-hallows-Barking, and I’ll insure thy recovery. He did so; and is so strangely improv’d upon it, that he is since chosen into St.Paul’s choir, and begins to rival Mr.Goslinand Mr.Elford.
Rebbecca Twist, Ribbon-Weaver, inDrum-Alley, Spittle Fields, aged 75, by drinking anniseed-robin, geneva, and other ungodly liquors, and smoaking mundungus, had so utterly decayed her natural heat, that she had lain bed-rid thirty years, and on my conscience a calenture would no more have warm’d her, than a farthing candle would roast a sirloin of beef. I made so entire a renovation of her with myArcanum Helmontio-Glaubero-Paracelsianum, that she’s become another creature, out-talks the parson and midwife at every gossiping, dances to a miracle, never fails to give her attendance at all merry meetings; and no sooner hears the noise of a fiddle, but she frisks and capers it about, like a young hoyden of fifteen.
Nehemiah Conniver, one of the city reformers, was so totally deform’d with theLepra Hypocritica, that never a barber, victualler, or taylor in the neighbourhood could live in quiet for him. To the admiration of all that knew him, I have so effectually cured him of this acid humour, that he will out-swear ten dragoons, go to a bawdy-housein the face of the sun; and out talk a score of midwives in natural philosophy.
Thus, gentlemen, you have my bill, and catalogue of cures, by which you’ll easily perceive that our internal world is only a counter-part of your’s, where hard words, impudence, and nonsense, delivered with a magisterial air, carry every thing before them. I should now according to the method proposed to myself, proceed to give you a short account of what memorable occurrences have lately happened in theseAcheronticrealms, but the vast crowds of visitants at my door are so obstreporous and troublesome, that I can conceal myself from them no longer. Be pleas’d, therefore, to accept of this imperfect relation in part of payment, and next month, when I shall have a better convenience of writing my thoughts at large, I will endeavour to give you full satisfaction. In the mean time, give me leave to assure you, that my highest ambition is to honour myself with the title of,
Gentlemen,Your most obedient andmost humble Servant,Giusippe Hanesio.
IT is some time since (you know) that I took my leave of you, and the sun, and I fear’d of all good company too. My curiosity to observe the nature of an affair, whereof every body talks, tho’ not one of them can understand, made me so long silent; that if it were possible I might give my friends some account or other that should be of moment to them, either for diversion or improvement. Your weighty affairs prevent the one, and your capacity the other; but that you may see friendship as well as virtue survives the grave, I address this to you, to assure you, we are not annihilated, as some philosophers opened, and that our felicity does not consist in an unactive indolence as others as vainly pretended. Virtue is its own reward,and vice its own punishment. We are so refined here, that nothing can veil evil from the piercing eyes of every body, and the malice and envy of the most inveterate devils cannot over-cast the glories of the good. We impute a great many faults to the frailty of the flesh very unjustly. The soul hath its warpings as well as the clay, and some vices are so natural that we cannot extinguish them, tho’ we may in some measure prevent their flaming out and boiling over. These remain still, and employ all the utmost efforts of our prudence to triumph over; and if we accomplish that, we are perfect; but if the malignity of our tempers prevail, we sink to the lowest abyss of infamy, shame, and disgrace. This laid the foundation of that doctrine ofRome, called Purgatory; and their ignorance, joined to their insatiable avarice, improved it to what at present you find it. Here is one duke ofBuckingham, perpetually conferring with theSpanishministers; the other as busy in finding out the mighty secrets of impertinent curiosities; here’sMazarinesupplanting the liberty ofEurope, andCromwellthat ofEngland.Shaftsburyis pushing onMonmouth, and he is stiled king by one of his own footmen only;Drydenis every minute atHomer’s heels, or pullingVirgilby the sleeve, importuningHorace, or making friends toOvid: butCowley, with a serenity of mind that constitutes his felicity, quietly passes along theElysianplains, disturbing no body, and undisturb’d of all,Miltonhis companion, and himself his happiness. The less considerable fry of wits are just as contentious here, as atCovent Garden; as noisy, and as ill-natur’d; every man in particular arrogating all to himself, and allowing nothing to others. The dispute rose so high, and the uproar continued so long, thatPlutocommanded a squadron of his life-guard, withJuvenalat their head, to force them out of the laurel-grove, and lock it up till matters should be adjusted byApollo, to whom he detach’dLucanandLee(as being the best skill’d in flying) with his complaints; they are returned with a proclamation, which for its novelty I will trouble you with; not but that I think it might not improperly have been made on the other side ofParnassus, unless matters are strangely mended since I left you.
WeApollo, by the Grace ofJupiter, Emperor ofParnassus, King of Poetry, Sovereign Prince of Letters, Duke of theMuses, Marquis of Light, and Earl of the Four Seasons,&c.to all our Trusty and well Beloved Explorers of Nature, and Cherishers of Learning,Greeting.WHEREAS we are inform’d to our ineffable displeasure, grief, sorrow and concern, that many fewds, jars, quarrels, animosities, and heart-burns are ever and anon kindled, stirr’d up, and fomented among the elder brothers ofHelicon,as well as the multitude of vain pretenders to bayes and immortality, in so much, that your bickerings, clamours, noise and disturbances, are of intolerable inconveniency to the good and just; and an unhappy suspension of the serenity of their minds, as well as so many perturbations and infractions of the peace of our uncle kingPluto’s dominions: wherefore it is our royal will and pleasure, that these notorious misdemeanours be forthwith remedied; promising upon our royal word, that justice shall be duly executed to every body; and all men of real merit and worth, lovers of wisdom and learning, of what nation or sort soever, shall in their respective classes of virtue and excellence, be registred in the glorious volumes of fame, to be kept eternally in theDelphiclibrary: In pursuance whereof, we do hereby earnestly require and injoin our beloved sisters the Muses, to hold a court of claims in the principality ofDelos,where we shall give our royal attendance so often as the fatigues of our laborious course will permit us, to examine all capacities, claims, titles, and pretensions whatever: and to avoid all lets, troubles, hinderances, molestations, and interruptions that possibly we can: we do farthermore hereby strictly prohibit and forbid, upon pain of our highest displeasure, and a hundred years interdiction from the laurel-grove, all sonneteers, songsters, satyrists, panegyrists, madrigallers, and such like impediments ofParnassus,to make any pretensions whatever to reputation and immortality; till such time as the more laborious and industrious investigators of nature are regulated and dispatch’d.Given at our High Court ofHelicon, this 47th Century,from our Conquest ofPython.
WeApollo, by the Grace ofJupiter, Emperor ofParnassus, King of Poetry, Sovereign Prince of Letters, Duke of theMuses, Marquis of Light, and Earl of the Four Seasons,&c.to all our Trusty and well Beloved Explorers of Nature, and Cherishers of Learning,Greeting.
WHEREAS we are inform’d to our ineffable displeasure, grief, sorrow and concern, that many fewds, jars, quarrels, animosities, and heart-burns are ever and anon kindled, stirr’d up, and fomented among the elder brothers ofHelicon,as well as the multitude of vain pretenders to bayes and immortality, in so much, that your bickerings, clamours, noise and disturbances, are of intolerable inconveniency to the good and just; and an unhappy suspension of the serenity of their minds, as well as so many perturbations and infractions of the peace of our uncle kingPluto’s dominions: wherefore it is our royal will and pleasure, that these notorious misdemeanours be forthwith remedied; promising upon our royal word, that justice shall be duly executed to every body; and all men of real merit and worth, lovers of wisdom and learning, of what nation or sort soever, shall in their respective classes of virtue and excellence, be registred in the glorious volumes of fame, to be kept eternally in theDelphiclibrary: In pursuance whereof, we do hereby earnestly require and injoin our beloved sisters the Muses, to hold a court of claims in the principality ofDelos,where we shall give our royal attendance so often as the fatigues of our laborious course will permit us, to examine all capacities, claims, titles, and pretensions whatever: and to avoid all lets, troubles, hinderances, molestations, and interruptions that possibly we can: we do farthermore hereby strictly prohibit and forbid, upon pain of our highest displeasure, and a hundred years interdiction from the laurel-grove, all sonneteers, songsters, satyrists, panegyrists, madrigallers, and such like impediments ofParnassus,to make any pretensions whatever to reputation and immortality; till such time as the more laborious and industrious investigators of nature are regulated and dispatch’d.
Given at our High Court ofHelicon, this 47th Century,from our Conquest ofPython.
At present the versifyers are much humbled, for the laurel-grove is their chiefest delight; ’tis their park, their playhouse, their assembly. I find all the vices of the mind are common here, as in your superiour regions: separating from the clay has only taken from us the means of whoring and drinking, but the mind retains still the wicked propensity. I considered not the pressing number of your affairs, and that I hazard your ill-will by detaining you so long from the publick: give me leave only to desire the favour of you, when your servant goes throughChancery-lane, to put up a cargo of thespread-eaglepudding for our very good friend counsellorWallop, for he is inconsolable: twenty of the best cooks, nay, Mr.Lambhimself can’t make one to please him. Live in health, I know you cannot learn.
At present the versifyers are much humbled, for the laurel-grove is their chiefest delight; ’tis their park, their playhouse, their assembly. I find all the vices of the mind are common here, as in your superiour regions: separating from the clay has only taken from us the means of whoring and drinking, but the mind retains still the wicked propensity. I considered not the pressing number of your affairs, and that I hazard your ill-will by detaining you so long from the publick: give me leave only to desire the favour of you, when your servant goes throughChancery-lane, to put up a cargo of thespread-eaglepudding for our very good friend counsellorWallop, for he is inconsolable: twenty of the best cooks, nay, Mr.Lambhimself can’t make one to please him. Live in health, I know you cannot learn.
Worthy Sir,
IWAS not wanting in my wishes to preserve that esteem you honoured me with, or to give you fresher instances of it; but since your stars summoned you on the other side of the black water, and I did not know whither to address myself exactly to you, I was obliged to suspend my writing till such time as I received your’s. I am heartily glad the two crowns are agreed to permit a pacquet to go between them; and as for our friend the counsellor, I never shall be dilatory in serving him to the utmost of my abilities, and never shall call to mind but with veneration and wonder, his most heroick conduct and magnanimity in pudding-fighting. He sequester’d himself from flesh and blood very opportunely, and with a prudence that always accompanied him in the minutest of his actions; for sugars and fruits are risen already, and, in all probability, will continue to bear a good price, sincePortugalhas deserted us; so I dare not pretend to be positive that the cargo I send will be as delicious as formerly, tho’ its novelty may make amends for some time, for small cheats in that profession. HonestJohnthe faithful companion of your wanton hours, was very much rejoiced to hear from you, and would needs take a leap after you, maugreall I could say to him: with this trusty servant I have sent you what you desired, and that I might be certain of its not miscarrying any where upon the road, I tuck’d friendJohnup with it, and so dispatch’d him presently. I was in hopes to have heard from more of our merry companions, or of them at least: how doesRochesterbehave himself with his old gang? is SirGeorgeas facetious as ever? is my lady still that formal creature as when in our hemisphere? has she the benefit of cards and a tea-table? how did my lordJefferiesreceive his son? and with what constancy did her grace hear SirJohn Germainwas married? I was in hopes you might have met with some of these in your peregrination, not that I suppose you can see those vast dominions ofPluto’s but in a proportionable time to the variety of subjects, as well as the mightiness of their extent.
We have nothing new here, because we are under the sun. Wise men keep company with one another; fools write and fools read; the booksellers have the advantage, provided they don’t trust; some pragmatical fellows set up for politicians; others think they have merit because they have money. Cheats prosper, drunkenness is a little rebuked in the pulpit, but as rife as ever in all other places; people marry that don’t love one the other, and your old mistressMelisindagoes to church constantly, prays devoutly, sings psalms gravely, hears sermons attentively, receives the sacrament monthly, lies with her footman nightly, and rails against lewdness and hypocrisy from morning till night.
The rest of particulars I leave for honestJohnto recount to you; my other affairs oblige me to take my leave of you; expecting some particulars about what I mentioned myself.
Yours, &c.
PomignyofAuvergne,to Mr.AbelofLondon,Singing-Master.
SIR,
THE sons and daughters of harmony that crowd in daily upon these coasts surprise us equally with your capacities and misfortunes. We are generally of the opinion here, that the muses are as well receiv’d inEngland, as in any other climate whatever. Men are charm’d there at so small an expence of wit or performance, that, one of your endowments might well have hop’d to outrival my felicity, and be something more exalted than to the embraces of a queen. My parentage was as little remarkable inFrance, as yours inEngland; and though I had better luck, durst not pretend I had a better voice. From a singing-boy, I push’d my fortune so as to succeed my own sovereign. From the choir I rose to the chamber; from the chamber I was preferr’d to the closet; and from thence was advanc’d to be vice-roy over all the territories of love: I was lord high-chamberlain toCupid, and comptroller of the houshold toVenus. Every delectation superseded my very wishes; nor cou’d I have ask’d for the thousandth part of the blandishments I enjoy’d. I was as absolute in my love as the grand seignior: ’twas for my dear sake the fond princess rais’d her maids of honour’s beds, that she might not hurt her back (as she had frequently done) in creeping under to fetch me out. ’Twas for my dear sake, that if they but nam’d my name when absent, in the raptures of her impatience, she run against the doors, threw down the screens; hurt her face against the mantle-trees and cabinets. She broke at times as much in looking-glasses, stands, and china, in the eager transports of her joy to meet me coming into the room, as by computation, wou’d have fitted out a fleet of fifty sail of capital ships. These were princely rewards for a man’s poor endeavours to please: who would not bring up their children in a choir? or who would not learn to sing? you have met, I must confess, Sir, with but small encouragement in the main, and made but a slender fortune in comparison of what might have been reasonably expected from your talents: the most civiliz’d quarter of the world has been your audience, and admirer; and you have left every where a name, that cannot die but with musick, and that will survive even nature; for in the numerous cracklings of the last conflagration, there will be, as it were, a noble symphony, that she may cease to be in proportion, and what is her apothesis, will draw the curtain to a new creation. But that enlargement of our knowledge, which is the necessity of our spiritualization, shows me there is a malevolencyin the influences of your stars, that will ever dash your rising hopes, and oppose your fortune. You cannot but have heard howAlexander the Greatvery generously distributed all the spoils to his soldiers, and contented himself with glory for his dividend. Thus your consolation must be, whenever the fickle goddess frowns upon you; that noble resolution of being above contempt, shows a magnanimity of mind equal to the greatest philosopher. But virtue is very often unfortunate, nay, sometimes oppress’d.
Here are some devilish, ignorant, censorious, lying people, that will maintain, you were so impertinent as to give a gentleman, the trouble of cudgelling you, and there are many here whose wicked tempers are improv’d by the conversation of the place, as rogues by being inNewgate, and those give credit to the aspersions; but the tribe ofHeliconendeavour your justification, for he that cou’d charm the king ofPoland’s bears with the warbling accents of his mellifluous tongue, might with the same harmony have mov’d the sturdy oak, and that is as heavy as a hundred canes. ’Twas the glory ofArion, that the stones danced after his lyre; and as long as there are poets it will be said, thatOrpheusdrew the tigers and the trees, to listen to his trembling lays. May you not justly expect a place in the volumes of immortality, since it may be all said literally true of you, that was but a fable of these darlings of our forefathers? no matter if some people put an ill construction on it, the best actions of our lives are subject to be traduc’d.—— Here was a dear joy of quality suffer’d the discipline of the place for stealing the diamond ring from you, that the king ofFrancegave you atFountainbleau: to mitigate the blackness of the fact, he alledg’d the necessitousness of his condition, and that it was pity so many gallant men should want for their loyalty, while a jackanapes cou’d get an estate for a song. At this,Rhadamanthusorder’d him a hundred stripes more for his pride in affecting a character his own confession had so far derogated from. There are some considerable stars that rise inBavaria, whose influences are inauspicious to you; for, among friends, ’twas no better than robbing him to run away with his money, and especially before you had done any thing for it. However, this may be your consolation, that the duke can’t say you cheated him to sometune. Here is a consort of musick composing against the king ofFrancemakes his entrance: out of gratitude to his generosity, you ought to make one of ’em; I can get you a lodging nearCerberus’s apartment; ’twill be convenient for you to confer notes together for he is much the deepest base of any here.
If your leisure will permit, I should be glad of some news from the favourites ofParnassus: I am continually at the chocolate house in theSulphurstreet. I shall look upon the obligation inAla-mi-reinAlt.
SIR,
IF the advice be seasonable, ’tis no great matter from whence it comes; though ’tis not what one wou’d readily expect from a person of your climate; but that too renders the obligation so much the more binding. I was not so well acquainted with the ancient intrigues of theFrenchcourt as to call your name to remembrance, but by the delicious expression of your wanton delights, I presum’d you might have been aMahometaneunuch, because you seem’d to describe their paradice in part; what cou’d I tell whether more of that felicity came to your share or not? I metAben-EzratheJew, but he knew nothing of you; at last aFrenchrefugee set me right. When I consider your private history I am amaz’d at your raptures, and that you could be so void of common reason, more especially after you had been so long spiritualiz’d, which you tell me, enlarges the understanding, as to set a value upon your self for raking a kennel, only because it belonged to court. To have charm’d a person of an exalted extraction, as I did, and to bring her to be the loving wife of my bosom, was vanity without infamy. But your captive queen was a queen of sluts, equally the infamy of her own sex, as you were the contempt of ours. ’Twas very pathetically said of her by her brother, when he gave her in marriage to the king ofNavarre, that he did not give hisPeggyin marriage to the king ofNavarrealone, but to all theHugonotsof his kingdom, and if he had said, all theRoman Catholickstoo, it had hardly beenan hyperbole. For ever since she was nine years old, she never deny’d any thing that was a man; no, not so much as her own brother. She had so great an inclination to be obliging, that she would not refuse even old age, and did not condemn even the blackest scullion-boy of her kitchin: she was the refuse of a hundred thousand several men’s embraces before she took up with you. So that I see no such mighty ground for your vanity and ostentation: and if there were not other more beneficial expectations from the choir, I should advise but very few to follow it: not but that a fair friend in thePalace-yard, a kind friend inCharles-street, or a pretty intimate acquaintance near theBowling-Alley, may help to pass away some leisure hours when theAbbeyis lock’d up; however that is not sufficient to tempt a man toC-fa-utit all ones life-time.
I ever found an inbred aversion toIreland, and your news gives me more convincing reasons why I should not affect ’em: for to be stripp’d by some, and stripp’d by others, would of itself give a man an unfavourable Impression of such people. As for the freedom you take in diverting yourself at my expence, I easily pass it by: but your censoriousness scandalizes me, when so many very deserving persons of all ranks, sexes and qualities, as are my good friends and benefactors, are made the subject of your raillery. I do not want to be spiritualis’d to see thro’ your banter, when you make me even superior toOrpheusandArion; I smell what you wou’d be at, by being follow’d by tigers, blocks and stones: but it is lucky enough for you, that you are out of their reach: as for the article ofBavaria, I can say but little to it more than I thought the time was come, when theIsraelitesshould spoil theEgyptians. You have such continual couriers from these parts, that you cannot be long ignorant of the minutest springs by which all affairs are kept in motion. To me they seem everywhere to be at much the same rate, like a horse in a mill, ’tis no matter who drives him. I thank you for your kind offer, in providing me lodgings; but I have so many of my friends gone there of late, that I shall unwillingly be from them: however, I shall always study to improve your good opinion, and continue theirs. If any accident calls me to your parts about that time, I shall gladly assist at the king ofFrance’s entry; for doubtless it will be done with a most noble solemnity, and every way answerable to the character of such a monarch. But as time is more precious here than in your country, I must beg you to excuse me, for I am just sent for to the tavern.Adieu.
IT is impossible to suffer it any longer! what, my diviner airs made the sordid entertainment of sordid footmen, scoundrel fellows, and I know not what for ragamuffins! must those seraphic lays, that have so often been the delight of muses, the joy of princes, the rapture of the fair sex, the treasures of the judicious, must these be thrumm’d over to blaspheming rascals, smoaking sots, noisy boobies, and such nefarious mechanicks! oh, prophane!—-- they shall have my sonatas, that they shall with a horse-pox to them. Can’t theirDarbygo down but with a tune, nor their tobacco smoak, without the harmony of aCremonafiddle? if they can’t be merry without musick, provide them a good key, and a pair of wrought tongs. One of their own jigs is diverting enough for their heavy capacities; whence comes it that the sons of art, and the brothers of rosin and cat-gut, can demean themselves so poorly to play before them? since when have the daughters ofHeliconfrequented ale-houses? must the sacred streams of ourAganiope, pay homage to theDarwent, and wash tankards and glasses? sure you thinkPegasusa jade, and are looking out for a chap for him: who can come up to his price there? his beauties are too sublime for the groom, and his master had rather have a strong horse for his coach: none of them alas can tilt the fiery courser. What a strange medley do you make! wit, musick, noise, nonsense, smoak, spawl,Darby-ale, and brandy: nay your rage and indiscretion goes farther yet; folly and madness seem to be contagious, and you jar among yourselves? the brothers of symphony quarrel, and turn the banquetting-house of theThessalianladies into a bear-garden, those active joints that so nicely touch’d my notes, are now barbarously levell’d at each other’s eyes; the powerful off-spring of my harmonious conceptions, is miserably torn to pieces betwixt them; and what would have charm’d all mankind, is dishonourably employ’d to the lighting of pipes and cleaning of tables. If you will set up for celebrating the orgies of the juicy god, let your instruments be all chosen accordingly, your airs correspondent to the audience; but make me no more the contempt and derision of your debauch’d meetings: for the commendation of fools is more wounding than the reprimands of the ingenious. At best, it is prostituting me to bring them into my company. If you put not some sudden order to these ignominious proceedings, I will dispatch an imp to sowre your ale, consume your cordials, spill your tobacco, break your glasses, and cut all your equipage of harmony into ten thousand millions of bits; nay I will prosecute my revenge so far, that even in the play-house your hand shall shake, your ear shall judge wrong, your strings crack, and every disappointment that may render you ridiculous, shall attend you in all publick meetings where-ever you pretend to play. So be wise and be warn’d: play to lovers and judges of musick, draw drink to sots and neighbours.
YOUR eminency’s remissness in the late affairs of theSpanishterritories, has made my scorpion’s stink deeper than heretofore, and superadded a new blackness to the horrors of my rage and despair. Those painful machinations, who took their birth from hell itself, and by my industry and application had so glorious a prospect of bridling all mankind, wherever theRomishdoctrine triumph’d at least, are now by that long continued series of an unhappy supineness in your predecessors, or the powerful influences ofFrenchgold, reduc’d to almost nothing. The thunderbolts of the inquisition rattled more dreadfully than those of theVatican; and after emperors had subjected themselves to the successors of St.Peter, we found out means to subject him to our censures, and by this made our selves superior to supreme. The mildness of your executions, and the rarity of ’em have substracted wonderfully from their reputation, and from my designs. Your excellency can’t say but I lay down very sufficient groundworks for the rendering my orders as lasting as religion, if not as lasting as time. More thanEuropehas felt the efficacy of my instructions; and where-ever my disciples have been sent they have brought us home souls and bodies, credit and estates.
What society can vie with us for extent of temporal concerns? what provinces are not in a great measure ours? we have the guardianship of the consciences of most of the considerable crown’d heads, and few affairs of importance are transacted any where but with our privity. I have not met with any one person in these kingdoms that has been of note and quality, that came here with a pass-port from the holy inquisition; now and then a rascallyJewor so, comes here blaspheming your power and prudence; and is so angry that he will not show it at hell-gates; as if he apprehended a double damnation from our character.
Your excellency can’t but be sensible how great sufferers we have been by the substracting of theGallicanchurch from the lash of our authority; and it was no small amputation we suffered in theSpanish Netherlands, by the improvident proceeding of that rash commander the duke ofAlva: If now you submit thus quietly to the administration ofFrance, I cannot but apprehend an universal extention of that powerful and profitable institution. Next to my own society, I look upon it to be the basis of theRomishmonarchy, and undoubtedly of your own, and of theAustriangreatness. How are your liberties trampled upon by a child, and all your dons led captives toVersailles? Where is the antient valour and obstinacy of theMoorishblood? Where are the poisons and the poniards so frequent inMadrid? IsSpainbrought so low that she has not resolution enough for one feeble effort, to save herself from infamy and ruin? Your arms were always unsuccessful against theEnglishnation; the greatness of your misery points out still the memorable, the very deplorable overthrow in eighty eight: There is a queen again upon that crown, willing and able to protect you as well as others, and it may be in rubricks of fate, that as one queen brought down the pride of the haughtySpaniards, so the other shall humbleFranceas much, evenwhen it is in its most tow’ring glory. But whatever be the destiny ofFrance, you ought to look after yourselves, and not by an untimely accession of your powers to that of so formidable a monarch, intangle yourselves in an inextricable ruin, by so much the more unpardonable as you might easily have prevented it. Shew the world then that aFrenchlion can’t thrive in aSpanishsoil, and dart forth the lightning of the inquisition against all that adhere to theGallicinterest and connive at the ruin of theSpanishgrandeur. Exert yourself and swim hither in a sea of blood, and may your cruelties succeed.
IEver had an infinite value for your friendship, and as every letter is a fresh mark of it, I have in every one new matter of satisfaction; yet I could not read your last without equal surprize and concern; and if I did not positively believe your integrity, as I am acquainted with your capacity, I should be at a loss what construction to put upon it: for allEuropehas been deaf for I know not how many years, with more and more accounts how your kings grew upon their people, and we ever look’d upon theEnglishas very jealous of their privileges. I need not tell you how odious your two last kings were to us of these parts; nay, and allGermanytoo, papist and protestant; for instead of holding the balance betweenFrance,Spainand theEmpire, as the situation of your country, and its mighty power by sea made ’em capable of doing, and the character of guarantees for the peace ofNimeguen, and the truce for twenty years oblig’d ’em to it; their siding withFrance, notwithstanding all the endeavours of foreign ministers to the contrary, and their own real interest too, may be justly said to have laid the foundation of all those calamities that the arms and intrigues ofFrance, have since that time brought uponEurope. But tho’ we had so many reasons to be dissatisfied with the proceedings of kingCharlesII. and kingJamestoo, yet we never diminish’d any thing of our good will we bore theEnglishnation; because we cou’d not but believe they were asfar from approving those transactions as we were, and repin’d as much as we did at the growing grandeur of theFrenchmonarch. The clandestine measures both those kings took to enslave their subjects to the power ofFrance, and theRomishreligion, was as good a demonstration of a natural enmity between those two sorts of people. His present majesty’s descent was concerted with most of the princes of the empire after it was so earnestly propos’d to him, and almost press’d upon him by the very best of your nation. The friendship between the two crowns was no longer a secret, tho’ theEnglishenvoy at theHaguedeny’d it positively when I was there: This was more than an umbrage to the discerning part of your kingdom, and what the very commonality could not think on without terrible apprehensions: and all of us here in like manner look’d upon this enterprize as a thing on which depended the safety or ruin of the whole protestant affairs ofEurope.
I cannot comprehend what unlucky planet rules over you! that any one person should be dissatisfy’d, is prodigious to me. You are freed from all those oppressions, whose probability alone having made no small part of your misery. You were very uneasy under the administration of kingJames, and now you are deliver’d, you murmur! you know his royal highness was so unwilling to embark himself in this affair, tho’ his interest and his honour were very much concern’d at it, that he did not yield but to the iterated solicitations of your countrymen, join’d with full assurance that they would stand by him with their lives and fortunes. You must pardon the freedom of my expression, if I assure you, that this ungrateful false step lessens my value for theEnglishnation: for after having made such terrible complaints of their miseries and injuries, and fill’dEuropewith their tears and lamentations, implor’d a neighbouring prince to come to their rescue, at a season of the year that wou’d have quell’d the greatest courage that ever was, if it had not been supported with charity; and add to this, the unavoidable necessity of so vast an expence, as would have sunk some princes fortunes, now they are happily settled in their affairs at home, have glorious armies abroad, and that king at their head, who has so justly merited that title ofDefender ofthe Faith, whose prudence and vigilancy has corroborated their native force with so many powerful allies; that these people should be so little sensible of their own felicity, as to murmur and be discontented, is to me a paradox, but I am sure unpardonable. The knowledge I have of theEnglishgenius, makes me believe there are but a few malecontents, and tho’ they call themselves protestants, ’tis only to bring an odium upon those that really are, by such perverse measures. I hope ’tis only your fears for your country, which proceed from your love of it, that multiplies these disagreeable objects. You have a protestant prince, on a protestant throne, liberty of conscience, and even theRoman Catholicks, that were always plotting against the government, are permitted so much freedom under it, that they would be mad if they were out of it.
Look back to the desolations inFrance, and to the storm you are deliver’d from, and see if you can ever thank God enough for your deliverance.