CHAPTERI.

PARTI.CHAPTERI.A short account of his birth and life, till ten years of age.1.MR.Thomas Haliburton, was born atDuplin, in the parish of Aberdalgy, (of which his father was sometime minister) onDecember 25, 1674. The three former parts of the following account were wrote by himself: the last is partly extracted from his diary, and partly taken from eye and ear-witnesses.2. The common occurrences of the life of one in all respects so inconsiderable, are not worth recording; and if recorded, could be of little use either to my self or others. But if I can recountwhat has past between God and my soul, so as to discover not only the parts of this work, the several advances it made, the opposition of the world, the devil and my own heart; if I can represent this work in its order, it may be of great use to my own establishment; and, should it fall into the hands of any other Christian, it might not be unuseful: for the work of God in all is, as to the substance, the same and uniform; and as face answers to face in a glass, so does one Christian’s experience answer to another’s; and both to the word of God.3. I came into the world with a nature wholly corrupted, and a heart fully set in me to do evil: and from the morning of my days, though I was under the great light of the gospel, and the inspection of pious parents, and not yet corrupted by custom; yet the imaginations of my heart, and the whole tenor of my life were only evil continually.4. Indeed, in this period of my life, I had unusual advantages: my parents were eminently religious; I continually heard the sound of divine truth in their instructions, and had the beauty of holiness set before my eyes in their example. They kept me from ill company, and habituated me early to such outwards duties as I was capable of. But this care of my father during his life, (which ended October, 1682,) and of my mother after his death, did not change, but only hide nature. And, though I cannot remember all the particulars, from the fourth or fifth year of mylife; yet I do remember the general bent of my mind, which was even then wholly set against God: insomuch, that when I now survey the decalogue, and review this portion of my time, notwithstanding the great distance, I still distinctly remember, and could easily enumerate many instances of the opposition of my heart unto every one of its precepts.*5. For many years it is true, the sins of this part of my life were entirely out of my thoughts. But when God began to convince me of sin, even those I had long since forgotten, those that were of an older date than any thing else I could remember, and not attended with any such remarkable circumstances, as could be supposed to make a deep impression on my memory, were brought on my mind with unusual distinctness. Whence I cannot but observe: 1. What exact notice the holy God takes of what men pass over as pardonable follies. 2. How just reason we have to fear, that in the strokes we feel in riper years, God is “making us to possess the iniquities of our youth.” 3. What an exact register, conscience, God’s deputy, keeps; how early it begins; how accurate it is (even when it seems to sleep) and how it will justify his severity against sinners at the last day. O how far up will it fetch its accounts of those evils which we mind nothing of! When God shall open our eyes to discern thoseprints which he setteth uponthe heels of our feet; when the books shall be opened, and the dead, small and great, judged out of the things that are written therein!*6. When I review this first period of my life, what reason have I to be ashamed, and even confounded, to think I have spent ten years of a short life, without almost a rational thought, undoubtedly without any that was not sinful. And this being matter of undoubted experience, I have herein a strong confirmation of my faith, as to the guilt ofAdam’s sin, and its imputation to his posterity: for, 1. From a child the bent of my soul was “enmity against God.” Nor was this the effect of custom or education, no; there was a sweet conspiracy of precept, discipline and example, to carry me the contrary way. Nor can I charge the fault of this on my constitution of body, or any thing that might in a natural way proceed from my parents. Yet was this enmity so strong as not to be supprest, much less subdued, by the utmost care, and the best outward means. This is undoubted fact. 2. To say, I was thus originally framed without respect to any sin chargeable on me, is a position so full of flat contrariety to all the notions I can entertain of God, to his wisdom, his equity, and his goodness, that I cannot think of it without horror. 3. Penal then this corruption must be, as death and diseases are. And whereof can it be a punishment, if not ofAdam’s sin? Whilethen these things are so plain in fact, and the deduction so easy from them, whatever subtle arguments any use against this great truth, I have no reason to be moved thereby.7. Hence, lastly, I am taught what estimate to make of those good inclinations with which some are said to be born. Either they are the early effects of preventing grace; or, of education, custom, occasional restraints, and freedom from temptation. A natural temper may be easily influenced by some of these, and by the constitution of the body, to a distaste of those grosser sins which makes the most noise in the world. Yet all this is but sin under a disguise: and the odds is not great. The one sort of sinners promise good fruit, but deceive; whereas the openly profane forbid expectation. And yet of this last sort more receive the gospel than of the former.Verily I say unto you, the publicans and harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.

PARTI.

A short account of his birth and life, till ten years of age.

1.MR.Thomas Haliburton, was born atDuplin, in the parish of Aberdalgy, (of which his father was sometime minister) onDecember 25, 1674. The three former parts of the following account were wrote by himself: the last is partly extracted from his diary, and partly taken from eye and ear-witnesses.

2. The common occurrences of the life of one in all respects so inconsiderable, are not worth recording; and if recorded, could be of little use either to my self or others. But if I can recountwhat has past between God and my soul, so as to discover not only the parts of this work, the several advances it made, the opposition of the world, the devil and my own heart; if I can represent this work in its order, it may be of great use to my own establishment; and, should it fall into the hands of any other Christian, it might not be unuseful: for the work of God in all is, as to the substance, the same and uniform; and as face answers to face in a glass, so does one Christian’s experience answer to another’s; and both to the word of God.

3. I came into the world with a nature wholly corrupted, and a heart fully set in me to do evil: and from the morning of my days, though I was under the great light of the gospel, and the inspection of pious parents, and not yet corrupted by custom; yet the imaginations of my heart, and the whole tenor of my life were only evil continually.

4. Indeed, in this period of my life, I had unusual advantages: my parents were eminently religious; I continually heard the sound of divine truth in their instructions, and had the beauty of holiness set before my eyes in their example. They kept me from ill company, and habituated me early to such outwards duties as I was capable of. But this care of my father during his life, (which ended October, 1682,) and of my mother after his death, did not change, but only hide nature. And, though I cannot remember all the particulars, from the fourth or fifth year of mylife; yet I do remember the general bent of my mind, which was even then wholly set against God: insomuch, that when I now survey the decalogue, and review this portion of my time, notwithstanding the great distance, I still distinctly remember, and could easily enumerate many instances of the opposition of my heart unto every one of its precepts.

*5. For many years it is true, the sins of this part of my life were entirely out of my thoughts. But when God began to convince me of sin, even those I had long since forgotten, those that were of an older date than any thing else I could remember, and not attended with any such remarkable circumstances, as could be supposed to make a deep impression on my memory, were brought on my mind with unusual distinctness. Whence I cannot but observe: 1. What exact notice the holy God takes of what men pass over as pardonable follies. 2. How just reason we have to fear, that in the strokes we feel in riper years, God is “making us to possess the iniquities of our youth.” 3. What an exact register, conscience, God’s deputy, keeps; how early it begins; how accurate it is (even when it seems to sleep) and how it will justify his severity against sinners at the last day. O how far up will it fetch its accounts of those evils which we mind nothing of! When God shall open our eyes to discern thoseprints which he setteth uponthe heels of our feet; when the books shall be opened, and the dead, small and great, judged out of the things that are written therein!

*6. When I review this first period of my life, what reason have I to be ashamed, and even confounded, to think I have spent ten years of a short life, without almost a rational thought, undoubtedly without any that was not sinful. And this being matter of undoubted experience, I have herein a strong confirmation of my faith, as to the guilt ofAdam’s sin, and its imputation to his posterity: for, 1. From a child the bent of my soul was “enmity against God.” Nor was this the effect of custom or education, no; there was a sweet conspiracy of precept, discipline and example, to carry me the contrary way. Nor can I charge the fault of this on my constitution of body, or any thing that might in a natural way proceed from my parents. Yet was this enmity so strong as not to be supprest, much less subdued, by the utmost care, and the best outward means. This is undoubted fact. 2. To say, I was thus originally framed without respect to any sin chargeable on me, is a position so full of flat contrariety to all the notions I can entertain of God, to his wisdom, his equity, and his goodness, that I cannot think of it without horror. 3. Penal then this corruption must be, as death and diseases are. And whereof can it be a punishment, if not ofAdam’s sin? Whilethen these things are so plain in fact, and the deduction so easy from them, whatever subtle arguments any use against this great truth, I have no reason to be moved thereby.

7. Hence, lastly, I am taught what estimate to make of those good inclinations with which some are said to be born. Either they are the early effects of preventing grace; or, of education, custom, occasional restraints, and freedom from temptation. A natural temper may be easily influenced by some of these, and by the constitution of the body, to a distaste of those grosser sins which makes the most noise in the world. Yet all this is but sin under a disguise: and the odds is not great. The one sort of sinners promise good fruit, but deceive; whereas the openly profane forbid expectation. And yet of this last sort more receive the gospel than of the former.Verily I say unto you, the publicans and harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.

CHAPTERII.An account of the next two years of his life.1.IN May 1685, I went with my mother into Holland, and being in some danger while we were at sea, my conscience, till then asleep, began to awaken, and to be terrified with apprehensions of death. But all this concernwas nothing more than natural fear, and a selfish desire of preservation. I was unwilling to die, and afraid of hell: it was not sin, but the consequence of it I wanted to escape. The glory of God I was not concerned for at all; and accordingly was the event. I promised, that were I at land, I would keep all his commands. My mother told me, it would not hold. But I was too ignorant of my own heart to believe her: I multiplied engagements, and doubted not but I should perform them. But no sooner was I fixed at Rotterdam, than I forgot all my promises and resolutions. The unrenewed heart being free from the force put upon it, fell again into its old course. Nay, I grew still worse: the corruption that stopped for awhile, now ran with greater violence. It is true, my awe for my mother, and the power of education, still restrained me from open sins. But to many secret things I was strongly inclined, and in many instances followed my inclinations: being a ready and easy prey to every temptation, notwithstanding all my engagements.2. My sins here had this grievous aggravation, they were committed against greater light, and more of the means of grace, than I had ever before enjoyed. We had sermons almost every day, and were catechized every Saturday. My mother took care I should attend most of these, and at the same time, private duties, praying with me, and for me, and obliging me toread the scripture, and other useful books. But so far was all this from having its due effect, that I was weary of it, and went on in sin: though not without frequent convictions, occasioned sometimes by the remains of my education. Yet all these were only as the starts of a sleeping man, disturbed by some sudden noise: he stirs a little but soon sinks down again, faster asleep than before. I easily freed myself from them, either by promising to hear, or comply with them afterward, by withdrawing from the means of conviction, by extenuating my sins; or by turning my eye to some thing I thought good in myself, though God knows I had little which had even the appearance of it. At other times I looked to the tendency of these convictions,viz.the engaging me to be holy; and then I pored upon the difficulties of that course, till I had frighted myself from a compliance with them. If all these shifts failed, I then betook myself to diversions, which soon choaked the word, and all convictions from it.3. In December 1686, upon the earnest desire of my father’s sister, married to the provost of Perth, I was sent home. While I stayed in this family, I saw nothing of religion; and I easily took the liberty they gave, and made fair advances towards rejecting the very form of it. My aversion to those sins, which through the influence of education I abominated before, sensibly weakened. My hate to learning increased, which Ilooked on as a burthen and a drudgery, worse than the basest employment. And many a sinful shift did I betake myself to, that I might get the time shuffled over. In spring my mother came to me. I was then so rooted in ill, that in spite of natural affection, I was grieved at her return; and when I first heard her voice, it damped me. I cared not to see her; nor was there any thing I disliked more than her conversation. I feared to be questioned as to what was past, or to be restrained from my sinful liberty. However, in the beginning of summer, my mother took me again to Rotterdam, and put me to Erasmus’s school there. Here, though I stayed not long, the method of teaching took with me, so that I began to delight in learning. But otherwise I was still worse and worse, under all the means God made use of to bring me to myself.

An account of the next two years of his life.

1.IN May 1685, I went with my mother into Holland, and being in some danger while we were at sea, my conscience, till then asleep, began to awaken, and to be terrified with apprehensions of death. But all this concernwas nothing more than natural fear, and a selfish desire of preservation. I was unwilling to die, and afraid of hell: it was not sin, but the consequence of it I wanted to escape. The glory of God I was not concerned for at all; and accordingly was the event. I promised, that were I at land, I would keep all his commands. My mother told me, it would not hold. But I was too ignorant of my own heart to believe her: I multiplied engagements, and doubted not but I should perform them. But no sooner was I fixed at Rotterdam, than I forgot all my promises and resolutions. The unrenewed heart being free from the force put upon it, fell again into its old course. Nay, I grew still worse: the corruption that stopped for awhile, now ran with greater violence. It is true, my awe for my mother, and the power of education, still restrained me from open sins. But to many secret things I was strongly inclined, and in many instances followed my inclinations: being a ready and easy prey to every temptation, notwithstanding all my engagements.

2. My sins here had this grievous aggravation, they were committed against greater light, and more of the means of grace, than I had ever before enjoyed. We had sermons almost every day, and were catechized every Saturday. My mother took care I should attend most of these, and at the same time, private duties, praying with me, and for me, and obliging me toread the scripture, and other useful books. But so far was all this from having its due effect, that I was weary of it, and went on in sin: though not without frequent convictions, occasioned sometimes by the remains of my education. Yet all these were only as the starts of a sleeping man, disturbed by some sudden noise: he stirs a little but soon sinks down again, faster asleep than before. I easily freed myself from them, either by promising to hear, or comply with them afterward, by withdrawing from the means of conviction, by extenuating my sins; or by turning my eye to some thing I thought good in myself, though God knows I had little which had even the appearance of it. At other times I looked to the tendency of these convictions,viz.the engaging me to be holy; and then I pored upon the difficulties of that course, till I had frighted myself from a compliance with them. If all these shifts failed, I then betook myself to diversions, which soon choaked the word, and all convictions from it.

3. In December 1686, upon the earnest desire of my father’s sister, married to the provost of Perth, I was sent home. While I stayed in this family, I saw nothing of religion; and I easily took the liberty they gave, and made fair advances towards rejecting the very form of it. My aversion to those sins, which through the influence of education I abominated before, sensibly weakened. My hate to learning increased, which Ilooked on as a burthen and a drudgery, worse than the basest employment. And many a sinful shift did I betake myself to, that I might get the time shuffled over. In spring my mother came to me. I was then so rooted in ill, that in spite of natural affection, I was grieved at her return; and when I first heard her voice, it damped me. I cared not to see her; nor was there any thing I disliked more than her conversation. I feared to be questioned as to what was past, or to be restrained from my sinful liberty. However, in the beginning of summer, my mother took me again to Rotterdam, and put me to Erasmus’s school there. Here, though I stayed not long, the method of teaching took with me, so that I began to delight in learning. But otherwise I was still worse and worse, under all the means God made use of to bring me to myself.

CHAPTERIII.Of the revival of his convictions, and their effects till 1690.1.IN the beginning of Autumn 1687, we returned home, and fixed at Perth. Here I was immediately sent to school, and made more progress in learning than before. But as to religion, I continued as unconcerned about,and as averse from it as ever. However I behaved myself under my mother’s eye, when I was with my comrades I took my full liberty; and, notwithstanding my greater knowledge, ran with them into all the same follies and extravagancies. And thus I continued till toward the close of king James’s reign; when the fear of some sudden stroke from the Papists, of which there was every where a great noise, revived my concern about religion. Of this, being somewhat deeper than before, I shall endeavour to give a distinct account.2. It was about this time that God by the preaching of the word, and by catechizing in publick and private, enlightened my mind farther with the notional knowledge of the law, and of the gospel. And then sin was left without excuse, and conscience being armed with more knowledge, its checks were more frequent and sharp, and not so easily evaded; some touches of sickness too rivetted in me the impressions of frailty and mortality, and the tendency of each of those numerous diseases, to which we are daily exposed. And hereby I was brought into, and kept under continual bondage through fear of death.3. I was now cast into the most grievous disquietude, having sorrow in my heart daily. I was in a dreadful strait betwixt two, on the one hand, my fears gave an edge to my convictions of sin. This made me attend more to the word of God; the more I attended to it, theyincreased the more; and I saw there was no way to be freed from them, but by being thoroughly religious. On the other hand if I should engage in religion in earnest, I saw the hazard of suffering, perhaps dying for it. And this I could not think of. Betwixt both I was dreadfully tost, so that for some nights, sleep went from my eyes. There was often imprest on my fancy, one holding a dagger to my breast, with “Quit your religion or die.” And that so strongly, that I have almost fainted under it, being still terribly unresolved what to do. Some times I would let him give the fatal stroke; but then my spirits failed, and my heart sunk within me. At other times I resolved to quit my religion, and take it again when the danger was past. But neither could I find rest here. What thought I, if he destroy me afterward, and so I loose both life and religion? Or what if I die, before the danger is past, and so have no time to take it again.♦4. For near a year, few weeks, nay, few days and nights, past over me without these struggles. But after King James’s army was overthrown, on July 27, 1689, I soon grew as remiss as before. All my remaining difficulty was to stifle my convictions, which I endeavoured partly by a more careful attendance on outward duties, partly by promising to abstain from those sins, which most directly crost my light, and partly by resolving to enquire farther into the will of God, and to comply with ithereafter.♦“3.” replaced with “4.”5. But these courses afforded no solid repose. The first sin against light or omission of duty, shook all, and I was confounded at the thoughts of appearing before God in such a righteousness. Indeed, I had some ease when trials were at a distance; but it vanished on their approach. This was not gold tried in the fire; nor would it abide so much as a near view of danger; but at the very appearance of a storm, the foundation fell away.6. The effects of my being thus exercised were: 1. I was brought to doubt of the truths of religion. Whenever I would have built on them in time of distress, a suspicion secretly haunted me; “What if these things are not so? Have I a certainty and evidence about them, answerable to the weight that is to be laid upon them?” Death and the trouble attending it, were certain things: but I was not so certain of the truths of religion. Still when, under apprehensions of death, I would have taken rest therein, but my mind began to waver. Not that I could give any reason for it; butthe way of the wicked is as darkness; they know not at what they stumble. 2. I found plainly hereby that I could never have peace, till I came to another sort of certainty about religion. Death I saw was unavoidable and might be sudden; nor could I banish the thoughts of it. Therefore I concluded, “Unless I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such an interest in it,as will make me look death in the face, not only without fear, but with joy; good it were I had never been born.” But how or♦where this was to be obtained I was utterly uncertain. Here I lay in great perplexity, under the melancholly sense that I had hithertospent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which profiteth not. 3. This perplexity was somewhat eased one day, while I was reading howMr.Robert Brucewas in a doubt, even concerning the being of God, who yet afterwards came to the fullest satisfaction. I then felt a secret hope, “That sometime in one way or other, God might thus satisfyme.” Here was the dawning of a light, which though if it was not soon cleared up, yet was never wholly put out again. A light which though as yet it was far from satisfying, yet kept me from utter despair.♦“were” replaced with “where” per Errata7. About this time oneMr.Donaldson, a reverend old clergyman, preached atPerth, and coming to visit my mother, called for me, and asked me among other questions, “If I sought a blessing upon my learning?” I frankly answered, no. He replied, with a severe look, “Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done much mischief in the church of God.” This saying left so deep an impression on me ever after, that whenever I was any way straitened, I applied to God, by prayer for help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking it before. Yet as to the main, I was still afar off from God, and an enemy to him both in my heart and works.

Of the revival of his convictions, and their effects till 1690.

1.IN the beginning of Autumn 1687, we returned home, and fixed at Perth. Here I was immediately sent to school, and made more progress in learning than before. But as to religion, I continued as unconcerned about,and as averse from it as ever. However I behaved myself under my mother’s eye, when I was with my comrades I took my full liberty; and, notwithstanding my greater knowledge, ran with them into all the same follies and extravagancies. And thus I continued till toward the close of king James’s reign; when the fear of some sudden stroke from the Papists, of which there was every where a great noise, revived my concern about religion. Of this, being somewhat deeper than before, I shall endeavour to give a distinct account.

2. It was about this time that God by the preaching of the word, and by catechizing in publick and private, enlightened my mind farther with the notional knowledge of the law, and of the gospel. And then sin was left without excuse, and conscience being armed with more knowledge, its checks were more frequent and sharp, and not so easily evaded; some touches of sickness too rivetted in me the impressions of frailty and mortality, and the tendency of each of those numerous diseases, to which we are daily exposed. And hereby I was brought into, and kept under continual bondage through fear of death.

3. I was now cast into the most grievous disquietude, having sorrow in my heart daily. I was in a dreadful strait betwixt two, on the one hand, my fears gave an edge to my convictions of sin. This made me attend more to the word of God; the more I attended to it, theyincreased the more; and I saw there was no way to be freed from them, but by being thoroughly religious. On the other hand if I should engage in religion in earnest, I saw the hazard of suffering, perhaps dying for it. And this I could not think of. Betwixt both I was dreadfully tost, so that for some nights, sleep went from my eyes. There was often imprest on my fancy, one holding a dagger to my breast, with “Quit your religion or die.” And that so strongly, that I have almost fainted under it, being still terribly unresolved what to do. Some times I would let him give the fatal stroke; but then my spirits failed, and my heart sunk within me. At other times I resolved to quit my religion, and take it again when the danger was past. But neither could I find rest here. What thought I, if he destroy me afterward, and so I loose both life and religion? Or what if I die, before the danger is past, and so have no time to take it again.

♦4. For near a year, few weeks, nay, few days and nights, past over me without these struggles. But after King James’s army was overthrown, on July 27, 1689, I soon grew as remiss as before. All my remaining difficulty was to stifle my convictions, which I endeavoured partly by a more careful attendance on outward duties, partly by promising to abstain from those sins, which most directly crost my light, and partly by resolving to enquire farther into the will of God, and to comply with ithereafter.

♦“3.” replaced with “4.”

5. But these courses afforded no solid repose. The first sin against light or omission of duty, shook all, and I was confounded at the thoughts of appearing before God in such a righteousness. Indeed, I had some ease when trials were at a distance; but it vanished on their approach. This was not gold tried in the fire; nor would it abide so much as a near view of danger; but at the very appearance of a storm, the foundation fell away.

6. The effects of my being thus exercised were: 1. I was brought to doubt of the truths of religion. Whenever I would have built on them in time of distress, a suspicion secretly haunted me; “What if these things are not so? Have I a certainty and evidence about them, answerable to the weight that is to be laid upon them?” Death and the trouble attending it, were certain things: but I was not so certain of the truths of religion. Still when, under apprehensions of death, I would have taken rest therein, but my mind began to waver. Not that I could give any reason for it; butthe way of the wicked is as darkness; they know not at what they stumble. 2. I found plainly hereby that I could never have peace, till I came to another sort of certainty about religion. Death I saw was unavoidable and might be sudden; nor could I banish the thoughts of it. Therefore I concluded, “Unless I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such an interest in it,as will make me look death in the face, not only without fear, but with joy; good it were I had never been born.” But how or♦where this was to be obtained I was utterly uncertain. Here I lay in great perplexity, under the melancholly sense that I had hithertospent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which profiteth not. 3. This perplexity was somewhat eased one day, while I was reading howMr.Robert Brucewas in a doubt, even concerning the being of God, who yet afterwards came to the fullest satisfaction. I then felt a secret hope, “That sometime in one way or other, God might thus satisfyme.” Here was the dawning of a light, which though if it was not soon cleared up, yet was never wholly put out again. A light which though as yet it was far from satisfying, yet kept me from utter despair.

♦“were” replaced with “where” per Errata

7. About this time oneMr.Donaldson, a reverend old clergyman, preached atPerth, and coming to visit my mother, called for me, and asked me among other questions, “If I sought a blessing upon my learning?” I frankly answered, no. He replied, with a severe look, “Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done much mischief in the church of God.” This saying left so deep an impression on me ever after, that whenever I was any way straitened, I applied to God, by prayer for help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking it before. Yet as to the main, I was still afar off from God, and an enemy to him both in my heart and works.

CHAPTERIV.Of the increase of his convictions, fromAutumn 1690,tillMay 1693.1.FOR the better advantage of my education my mother in 1690, removed with me toEdinburgh. I was now again put to school, and inNovember 1692, entered at the college. Here my knowledge of the law of God daily increased; and therewith my knowledge of sin. I saw more and more, that he was displeased with me for sins which formerly I had not observed. The impressions of my mortality were likewise rivetted in me by new afflictions, and I was more in bondage through the growing fear of death. Again the scriptures being now daily preached, forced me to some enquiry into my own sincerity in religion; and I was willing, provided I might save my bosom-idols, not only to hear, butto do many things.2. I was now carried far in a form of religion. I prayed not only morning and evening, but at other times too: I wept much in secret: I read and meditated, and resolved to live otherwise than I had done. But this goodness too was as the morning cloud it was force and not nature: and therefore could not be expected to last any longer than the force which occasioned it.3. While I was under this distress many a wretched shift did I betake myself to for relief. When I read or heard searching things; if any thing that was said seemed to make for me, I greedily catched hold of it. When I found somewhat required that I neither did, nor could even resolve to comply with; I thought to compound and make amends some other way. Or else I questioned, whether God had required it or no? Whether he that taught so was not mistaken? And whether I might not be in a state of salvation, without those marks of it which he assigned. Again, many times when I would not see, I quarrelled with ministers or books for not speaking plainly. Always I carefully sought for the lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that were saving. For I designed but so much religion as would take me to heaven, the very least that would serve the turn. And when none of those shifts availed, I resolved in general, to do all that God commanded. But I soon retracted when he tried me in any particulars that were contrary to my inclinations. And when I saw I must do it, I begged a little respite: withSt.Austin, “I was content to be holy, but not yet:” forgetting that a delay is, in God’s account, a refusal; since all his commandments require present obedience. After all ways were tried I blamed my education. I knew religion was a change of heart; but whether mine had undergone this change was the question: Now, thought I, “IfI had not been educated religiously, but had changed all at once, it would have been more easily discernable.” Thus was Ientangled in my own ways, and even seeking wisdom, I found it not.4. Although I now seemed to have gone far; yet I was indeed wholly wrong. For being convinced of the necessity of righteousness, but ignorant of Christ,I sought it by the works of the law. Thereforethe carnal mind, which was enmity againstGod, still continued in me: and all my struggles were only a toiling to and fro, between light and love of sin, wherein sin was still conqueror; for my bosom idols I could not part with. Beside the small religion I had, was not abiding, but rose and fell with the above mentioned occasions.5. About this timeClark’s Martyrologycame into my hands. I loved history and read it greedily. The patience, courage, and joy of the martyrs convinced me that there was a reality in religion, beyond the power of nature. I was convinced likewise that I was a stranger to it, because I could not think of suffering. And withal I felt some faint desires after it, so at least, as often to join inBalaam’s wish,Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his.6. At this time likewise God restrained me from many follies I was inclined to, by bodilyinfirmity. He provided me too with friends who were very tender of me. He fed me,though I knew him not. But so far was I from being thankful for these mercies, that my proud heart fretted at them. O what reason have I to say,TheLordis good even to the evil and unthankful.

Of the increase of his convictions, fromAutumn 1690,tillMay 1693.

1.FOR the better advantage of my education my mother in 1690, removed with me toEdinburgh. I was now again put to school, and inNovember 1692, entered at the college. Here my knowledge of the law of God daily increased; and therewith my knowledge of sin. I saw more and more, that he was displeased with me for sins which formerly I had not observed. The impressions of my mortality were likewise rivetted in me by new afflictions, and I was more in bondage through the growing fear of death. Again the scriptures being now daily preached, forced me to some enquiry into my own sincerity in religion; and I was willing, provided I might save my bosom-idols, not only to hear, butto do many things.

2. I was now carried far in a form of religion. I prayed not only morning and evening, but at other times too: I wept much in secret: I read and meditated, and resolved to live otherwise than I had done. But this goodness too was as the morning cloud it was force and not nature: and therefore could not be expected to last any longer than the force which occasioned it.

3. While I was under this distress many a wretched shift did I betake myself to for relief. When I read or heard searching things; if any thing that was said seemed to make for me, I greedily catched hold of it. When I found somewhat required that I neither did, nor could even resolve to comply with; I thought to compound and make amends some other way. Or else I questioned, whether God had required it or no? Whether he that taught so was not mistaken? And whether I might not be in a state of salvation, without those marks of it which he assigned. Again, many times when I would not see, I quarrelled with ministers or books for not speaking plainly. Always I carefully sought for the lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that were saving. For I designed but so much religion as would take me to heaven, the very least that would serve the turn. And when none of those shifts availed, I resolved in general, to do all that God commanded. But I soon retracted when he tried me in any particulars that were contrary to my inclinations. And when I saw I must do it, I begged a little respite: withSt.Austin, “I was content to be holy, but not yet:” forgetting that a delay is, in God’s account, a refusal; since all his commandments require present obedience. After all ways were tried I blamed my education. I knew religion was a change of heart; but whether mine had undergone this change was the question: Now, thought I, “IfI had not been educated religiously, but had changed all at once, it would have been more easily discernable.” Thus was Ientangled in my own ways, and even seeking wisdom, I found it not.

4. Although I now seemed to have gone far; yet I was indeed wholly wrong. For being convinced of the necessity of righteousness, but ignorant of Christ,I sought it by the works of the law. Thereforethe carnal mind, which was enmity againstGod, still continued in me: and all my struggles were only a toiling to and fro, between light and love of sin, wherein sin was still conqueror; for my bosom idols I could not part with. Beside the small religion I had, was not abiding, but rose and fell with the above mentioned occasions.

5. About this timeClark’s Martyrologycame into my hands. I loved history and read it greedily. The patience, courage, and joy of the martyrs convinced me that there was a reality in religion, beyond the power of nature. I was convinced likewise that I was a stranger to it, because I could not think of suffering. And withal I felt some faint desires after it, so at least, as often to join inBalaam’s wish,Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his.

6. At this time likewise God restrained me from many follies I was inclined to, by bodilyinfirmity. He provided me too with friends who were very tender of me. He fed me,though I knew him not. But so far was I from being thankful for these mercies, that my proud heart fretted at them. O what reason have I to say,TheLordis good even to the evil and unthankful.

CHAPTERV.Of the straits he was in, and the course he took for relief, from May 1693, to August 1696.1.THE air ofEdinburghagreeing neither with my mother nor me, inMay 1693she removed toSt.Andrews. And here I came under the care ofMr.Taylor, a wise man, and one very careful of me. Thus chased as I was from place to place, God every where provided me with friends. And now by the searching ministry ofMr.Forrester, he began to give me some small discovery of the more spiritual evils of my soul. He opened to me first the pride of my heart, and the wickedness and injustice of valuing myself upon those deliverances from my own weakness, which had been wholly wrought by his own strength. I likewise saw the impiety ofdrawing near to him with my mouth, while my heart was far from him: and indeed of trusting to anyoutward performance, without the life of all,faith working by love.2. This, added to what I was conscious of before, frequently♦threw me into racking perplexity; when finding no peace in my former evasions I resolved to enter into a solemn covenant with God; and having wrote and subscribed this, I believed all was right. I found a sort of present peace; amendment I thought sufficient atonement, and such an engagement I looked on as a performance. I now likewise often found an unusual sweetness in hearing the word, and sometimes the most piercing convictions. And these were indeeda taste of the good word ofGod,and of the powers of the world to come.♦“through” replaced with “threw” per Errata3. But the merciful God would not let me rest here: the peace I found by making this covenant, was soon lost by breaking it: at the same time my heart smote me for my old sins, by which I found former accounts to be still standing against me, which filled me with confusion and jealousies of these ways. I perceived too, something of the treachery of my engagements, and that my heart had not been found therein, but had secret reserves for some sins, which were then given♦up inward only. God also let loose some of my corruptions upon me; which as soon as his restraint was taken off, were more violent than ever, and bore down before them all that I had set in their way. By these means he discovered to me the fruitlesness ofmy covenant, and threw me afresh into the utmost confusion: while the evil I thought so effectually provided against, again came upon me.♦“me in one word” replaced with “up inward” per Errata4. Yet notwithstanding I felt the vanity of these ways, I still adhered to them. I again trusted my own heart, and hoped to recover by renewing the peace I lost by breaking my covenant. I laid the blame on some accidental defect in my former management, and thought, were that mended, all would be well. When I found something wanting still, I contrived to make it up with something extraordinary of my own, with the multiplication of prayers, or of some outward duty or other. But all these refuges failed, and my life was so throughly miserable while I was pursuing them, that had not the infinite mercy of God prevented, one of these effects had surely followed. Either, 1. The convictions I was under would have ceased, God giving over his striving with me, and then having attained to a form of godliness, I should have rested therein and looked no farther. Or, 2. If those convictions had continued, and I had been left to my own way, I should havelaboured in the fire all my days, wearying myself with vanity, in a continual vicissitude of resolutions and breaches, security and disquietude: engagements and sins, false peace and racking anxiety, by turns taking place. Or, 3. When I had wearied myself in vain, I should have utterly given up religion, and gone over, if not to directAtheism, at least to open prophaneness. Or, lastly, Being forced to seek shelter somewhere, and being so sadly disappointed in all the ways I tried, I had said,This evil is of theLord, why wait I any longer? And so sunk in final despair. And in fact, I had some experience of all these. Sometimes I sat down with the bare form. Sometimes I wearied myself in running from one of these vain courses to another. At other times, finding no profit, I turned careless, and was on the point of throwing off all religion. And very often I was driven almost to distraction, and stood on the very brink of despair.5. When I had been disappointed again and again, I was in the utmost perplexity to find where the fault lay. I found this way of covenanting with God mentioned in scripture, recommended by ministers, and approved by the experience of all the people of God. I could not tax myself with guile in doing it: I was resolved to perform the engagement I made. I made it with much concern and solemnity, and for some time kept it strictly. But though I could not then see where the failing was, I have since been enabled to see it clearly. 1.Being ignorant of the righteousness ofGod, I was stillestablishing a righteousness of my own: and though in words I renounced this, yet in fact I sought righteousness and peace, not in the Lord Jesus, but in my own covenants and engagements, so that I really put them in Christ’s room: and as to forgiveness of sins, my real trust was not in hisblood, but in the evenness of my own walk. Therefore, I obtained not righteousness,because I still sought it, as it were by the works of the law. And it was evident I did so, by this plain sign; whenever I was challenged for sin, instead of recourse to the blood of Christ, I still sought peace only in renewing my vows again; the consent I gave to the law, was not from the reconcilement of my heart to its holiness; but merely from fear. The enmity against it continued: nor would I have chosen it, had that force been away. Farther, my eye was not single; provided I was safe, I had no concern for the glory of God. In a word, I engaged, before God had thoroughly engaged me. We may be in a sort willing, before he hath made us truly so. But the first real kindness begins with him: and we never love till his kindness draws us. Fear may indeed overpower us into something like it, as it did me. I was willing to be saved from hell: but not to be saved in God’s way, and in order to those ends he proposes in our salvation.6. This was not my only trouble. I was now engaged in metaphysics and natural divinity; accustomed to subtil notions, and pleased with them; whence, by the just permission of God, the devil took occasion to cast me into doubts about the great truths of religion, especially the being of a God. I not only felt, as formerly, the want of evidence for it, but various arguments were suggested against it. But though theenmity of my heart against God was still great, yet he suffered me not to yield to them. There remained so much evidence of his being, in his works of creation and providence, as made me recoil at the terrible conclusion, aimed at by those arguments. And being likewise affected with deep apprehensions of the shortness and uncertainty of the present life, I dreaded a supposition that shook the foundations of any hope of relief, from the other side of time.7. In this strait between light and darkness, as my disturbance was from my own reasonings, so from the same I sought my relief. By these I hoped to obtain establishment in the truth, and give answer to all objections against it. I therefore seriously set myself to search for demonstrative arguments: and I found them, but found no relief. The most forcible of them indeed extorted assent, by the absurdity of the contrary conclusion: but not giving me any satisfying discoveries of that God, whose existence they obliged me to own, my mind was not quieted. Nay, and besides, those arguments not dissolving contrary objections, whenever the light of them was removed, and those objections came again in view, I was again exceedingly shaken. I was like him, who reading Platoof the immortality of the soul, said, “While I read, I assent: but I cannot tell how; so soon as I lay down the book, all my assent is gone.”8. I still hoped to attain what I had hitherto failed of, by some farther progress in learning: but all in vain: the farther I went, the greater was my disappointment; the more difficulties I continually met with, and foundhe that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow. When this would not avail, then I spent my weary hours in vain wishes for some extraordinary discoveries.Nay, but if one rose from the dead, they will believe.And this, notwithstanding my disappointment I gained: I was somewhat beat from that towring opinion of my knowledge and abilities, which my first seeming success in philosophy gave me, and brought to a diffidence of myself.9. But still my corruptions took daily root, and increased in strength by my weak resistance. Yet I had a fair form of religion: I avoided all those sins that plainly thwarted the light of my conscience. I abstained from those evils which even the more serious students gave into; and kept at a distance from the occasions of them. I was more exact in attending both public and private prayer, and not without some concern for my inward frame in them. When I was insnared into any sin or omission of any duty, I was deeply sorrowful. I had a kindness for all that feared God, and a pleasure in their converse, especially on religion. I had frequent tastes of the good word of God, which made me delight in approaching him. I had many returns to prayer; when under a deep sense of my impotence, Ibetook me to God in any strait, I was so remarkably helped, that I could not but observe it. Hereby God drew me gradually in, to expect every good gift from above, and encouraged the very faintest beginnings of a look toward a return.10. But tho’ by these means I got a name to live, yet was I really dead. For, 1. My natural darkness still remained, tho’ with some small dawnings of light. 2. The enmity of my mind against the law of God was yet untaken away. I had not a respect unto all his commands, nor a sight of the beauty of holiness: neither did my heart approve of the whole yoke of Christ, as good and desirable; and I complied with it in part, not from a delight therein, but because I saw I was undone without it. 3. I yetsought righteousness as it were by the works of the law; I was wholly legal in all I did: not seeing the necessity, the security, the glory of the gospel-method of salvation, by seeking righteousness and strength in the Lord Christ alone. Lastly, my sole aim was to save myself, without any regard to the glory of God, or any enquiry how it could consist with it to save one who had so deeply offended. In a word, all my religion was servile, constrained, and anti-evangelical.11. From the foregoing passages I cannot but observe, 1. What a depth of deceitfulness there is in the heart of man. How many shifts did mine use to elude the design of all those strivings of the Spirit of the Lord with me? I have toldmany, but the one half is not told. And all these respect but one point in religion. If a single man were to recount but the more remarkable deceits, with respect to the whole of his behaviour, how many volumes must he write? And if so many be seen, how many secret, undiscernable, or at least undiscerned deceits must still remain! So much truth is there couched in that short scripture,The heart is deceitful above all things: who can know it?*I observe, 2. How far we may go toward religion, and yet come short of it. I had and did many things: I heard the scriptures gladly:—I wasalmost persuaded to be a Christian: I hadescaped theoutwardpollutions that are in the world: yea, I seemedenlightened, and a partaker of the heavenly gift; having many timestasted the good word ofGod,and the powers of the world to come. I had undergone many changes; but not the great change: I was not born of God: I was not begotten anew, and made a child of God through a living faith in Christ Jesus.Again, I cannot but look back with wonder at the astonishing patience of God, which suffered my manners so long, and the steadiness he shewed in pursuing his work, notwithstanding all my provocations. All the creation could not have afforded so much forbearance: the disciples of Christ would have called for fire from heaven: yea,Moseswould have found more here to irritate him than atMeribah. Glory be to God, thatwe have to do with him, and not with man. His ways are not as our ways, nor his thoughts as our thoughts: but as the heavens are high above the earth, so are his ways and thoughts of mercy above ours.*Fourthly, I must bear witness to the reasonableness of God’s way. It did not destroy my faculties, but improve them. He enlightened my eyes to see what he would have me to do, and did not force but gradually persuade me to comply with it. This was not to compel, but gently bend the will, to the things that were really fit for it to incline to: nor did he ever oblige me to part with any sin, till he had let me see it was against my interest as well as duty: and the smallest piece of compliance with his will, wanted not even a present reward.Lastly, Though this work was agreeable to reason, yet it was far above the power of nature. I cannot ascribe either its rise or progress to myself; for it was what I sought not, I thought not of; nay I hated, and feared and avoided, and shunned and opposed it with all my might. I cannot ascribe it to any outward means. There are many parts of it which they did not reach: and as to the rest, the most forcible failed; the weakest wrought the effect. Neither strong, nor weak had the same effect always. But the work was still carried on, by a secret and undiscernable power, like the wind, blowing where it listeth.It bore the impress of God in all its steps. The word that awakened me, was the voice ofhim who maketh the dead to hear, and calleth the things which are not, as though they were. The light that shone was,the candle of theLord, tracing an unsearchable heart through all its windings. It was all the work of one who is every where, who knoweth every thing, and who will not faint or be discouraged, till he hath brought forth judgment unto victory. And it was all an uniform work, though variously carried on, through many interruptions, over many oppositions, for a long tract of time, by means seemingly weak, improper, contrary, suitable only for him whose paths are in the great waters, and whose footsteps are not known. In a word, it was a bush burning and not consumed, only by the presence of God. It was as a spark in the midst of the ocean, still kept alive, notwithstanding floods continually poured upon it. This was the Lord’s doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes.

Of the straits he was in, and the course he took for relief, from May 1693, to August 1696.

1.THE air ofEdinburghagreeing neither with my mother nor me, inMay 1693she removed toSt.Andrews. And here I came under the care ofMr.Taylor, a wise man, and one very careful of me. Thus chased as I was from place to place, God every where provided me with friends. And now by the searching ministry ofMr.Forrester, he began to give me some small discovery of the more spiritual evils of my soul. He opened to me first the pride of my heart, and the wickedness and injustice of valuing myself upon those deliverances from my own weakness, which had been wholly wrought by his own strength. I likewise saw the impiety ofdrawing near to him with my mouth, while my heart was far from him: and indeed of trusting to anyoutward performance, without the life of all,faith working by love.

2. This, added to what I was conscious of before, frequently♦threw me into racking perplexity; when finding no peace in my former evasions I resolved to enter into a solemn covenant with God; and having wrote and subscribed this, I believed all was right. I found a sort of present peace; amendment I thought sufficient atonement, and such an engagement I looked on as a performance. I now likewise often found an unusual sweetness in hearing the word, and sometimes the most piercing convictions. And these were indeeda taste of the good word ofGod,and of the powers of the world to come.

♦“through” replaced with “threw” per Errata

3. But the merciful God would not let me rest here: the peace I found by making this covenant, was soon lost by breaking it: at the same time my heart smote me for my old sins, by which I found former accounts to be still standing against me, which filled me with confusion and jealousies of these ways. I perceived too, something of the treachery of my engagements, and that my heart had not been found therein, but had secret reserves for some sins, which were then given♦up inward only. God also let loose some of my corruptions upon me; which as soon as his restraint was taken off, were more violent than ever, and bore down before them all that I had set in their way. By these means he discovered to me the fruitlesness ofmy covenant, and threw me afresh into the utmost confusion: while the evil I thought so effectually provided against, again came upon me.

♦“me in one word” replaced with “up inward” per Errata

4. Yet notwithstanding I felt the vanity of these ways, I still adhered to them. I again trusted my own heart, and hoped to recover by renewing the peace I lost by breaking my covenant. I laid the blame on some accidental defect in my former management, and thought, were that mended, all would be well. When I found something wanting still, I contrived to make it up with something extraordinary of my own, with the multiplication of prayers, or of some outward duty or other. But all these refuges failed, and my life was so throughly miserable while I was pursuing them, that had not the infinite mercy of God prevented, one of these effects had surely followed. Either, 1. The convictions I was under would have ceased, God giving over his striving with me, and then having attained to a form of godliness, I should have rested therein and looked no farther. Or, 2. If those convictions had continued, and I had been left to my own way, I should havelaboured in the fire all my days, wearying myself with vanity, in a continual vicissitude of resolutions and breaches, security and disquietude: engagements and sins, false peace and racking anxiety, by turns taking place. Or, 3. When I had wearied myself in vain, I should have utterly given up religion, and gone over, if not to directAtheism, at least to open prophaneness. Or, lastly, Being forced to seek shelter somewhere, and being so sadly disappointed in all the ways I tried, I had said,This evil is of theLord, why wait I any longer? And so sunk in final despair. And in fact, I had some experience of all these. Sometimes I sat down with the bare form. Sometimes I wearied myself in running from one of these vain courses to another. At other times, finding no profit, I turned careless, and was on the point of throwing off all religion. And very often I was driven almost to distraction, and stood on the very brink of despair.

5. When I had been disappointed again and again, I was in the utmost perplexity to find where the fault lay. I found this way of covenanting with God mentioned in scripture, recommended by ministers, and approved by the experience of all the people of God. I could not tax myself with guile in doing it: I was resolved to perform the engagement I made. I made it with much concern and solemnity, and for some time kept it strictly. But though I could not then see where the failing was, I have since been enabled to see it clearly. 1.Being ignorant of the righteousness ofGod, I was stillestablishing a righteousness of my own: and though in words I renounced this, yet in fact I sought righteousness and peace, not in the Lord Jesus, but in my own covenants and engagements, so that I really put them in Christ’s room: and as to forgiveness of sins, my real trust was not in hisblood, but in the evenness of my own walk. Therefore, I obtained not righteousness,because I still sought it, as it were by the works of the law. And it was evident I did so, by this plain sign; whenever I was challenged for sin, instead of recourse to the blood of Christ, I still sought peace only in renewing my vows again; the consent I gave to the law, was not from the reconcilement of my heart to its holiness; but merely from fear. The enmity against it continued: nor would I have chosen it, had that force been away. Farther, my eye was not single; provided I was safe, I had no concern for the glory of God. In a word, I engaged, before God had thoroughly engaged me. We may be in a sort willing, before he hath made us truly so. But the first real kindness begins with him: and we never love till his kindness draws us. Fear may indeed overpower us into something like it, as it did me. I was willing to be saved from hell: but not to be saved in God’s way, and in order to those ends he proposes in our salvation.

6. This was not my only trouble. I was now engaged in metaphysics and natural divinity; accustomed to subtil notions, and pleased with them; whence, by the just permission of God, the devil took occasion to cast me into doubts about the great truths of religion, especially the being of a God. I not only felt, as formerly, the want of evidence for it, but various arguments were suggested against it. But though theenmity of my heart against God was still great, yet he suffered me not to yield to them. There remained so much evidence of his being, in his works of creation and providence, as made me recoil at the terrible conclusion, aimed at by those arguments. And being likewise affected with deep apprehensions of the shortness and uncertainty of the present life, I dreaded a supposition that shook the foundations of any hope of relief, from the other side of time.

7. In this strait between light and darkness, as my disturbance was from my own reasonings, so from the same I sought my relief. By these I hoped to obtain establishment in the truth, and give answer to all objections against it. I therefore seriously set myself to search for demonstrative arguments: and I found them, but found no relief. The most forcible of them indeed extorted assent, by the absurdity of the contrary conclusion: but not giving me any satisfying discoveries of that God, whose existence they obliged me to own, my mind was not quieted. Nay, and besides, those arguments not dissolving contrary objections, whenever the light of them was removed, and those objections came again in view, I was again exceedingly shaken. I was like him, who reading Platoof the immortality of the soul, said, “While I read, I assent: but I cannot tell how; so soon as I lay down the book, all my assent is gone.”

8. I still hoped to attain what I had hitherto failed of, by some farther progress in learning: but all in vain: the farther I went, the greater was my disappointment; the more difficulties I continually met with, and foundhe that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow. When this would not avail, then I spent my weary hours in vain wishes for some extraordinary discoveries.Nay, but if one rose from the dead, they will believe.And this, notwithstanding my disappointment I gained: I was somewhat beat from that towring opinion of my knowledge and abilities, which my first seeming success in philosophy gave me, and brought to a diffidence of myself.

9. But still my corruptions took daily root, and increased in strength by my weak resistance. Yet I had a fair form of religion: I avoided all those sins that plainly thwarted the light of my conscience. I abstained from those evils which even the more serious students gave into; and kept at a distance from the occasions of them. I was more exact in attending both public and private prayer, and not without some concern for my inward frame in them. When I was insnared into any sin or omission of any duty, I was deeply sorrowful. I had a kindness for all that feared God, and a pleasure in their converse, especially on religion. I had frequent tastes of the good word of God, which made me delight in approaching him. I had many returns to prayer; when under a deep sense of my impotence, Ibetook me to God in any strait, I was so remarkably helped, that I could not but observe it. Hereby God drew me gradually in, to expect every good gift from above, and encouraged the very faintest beginnings of a look toward a return.

10. But tho’ by these means I got a name to live, yet was I really dead. For, 1. My natural darkness still remained, tho’ with some small dawnings of light. 2. The enmity of my mind against the law of God was yet untaken away. I had not a respect unto all his commands, nor a sight of the beauty of holiness: neither did my heart approve of the whole yoke of Christ, as good and desirable; and I complied with it in part, not from a delight therein, but because I saw I was undone without it. 3. I yetsought righteousness as it were by the works of the law; I was wholly legal in all I did: not seeing the necessity, the security, the glory of the gospel-method of salvation, by seeking righteousness and strength in the Lord Christ alone. Lastly, my sole aim was to save myself, without any regard to the glory of God, or any enquiry how it could consist with it to save one who had so deeply offended. In a word, all my religion was servile, constrained, and anti-evangelical.

11. From the foregoing passages I cannot but observe, 1. What a depth of deceitfulness there is in the heart of man. How many shifts did mine use to elude the design of all those strivings of the Spirit of the Lord with me? I have toldmany, but the one half is not told. And all these respect but one point in religion. If a single man were to recount but the more remarkable deceits, with respect to the whole of his behaviour, how many volumes must he write? And if so many be seen, how many secret, undiscernable, or at least undiscerned deceits must still remain! So much truth is there couched in that short scripture,The heart is deceitful above all things: who can know it?

*I observe, 2. How far we may go toward religion, and yet come short of it. I had and did many things: I heard the scriptures gladly:—I wasalmost persuaded to be a Christian: I hadescaped theoutwardpollutions that are in the world: yea, I seemedenlightened, and a partaker of the heavenly gift; having many timestasted the good word ofGod,and the powers of the world to come. I had undergone many changes; but not the great change: I was not born of God: I was not begotten anew, and made a child of God through a living faith in Christ Jesus.

Again, I cannot but look back with wonder at the astonishing patience of God, which suffered my manners so long, and the steadiness he shewed in pursuing his work, notwithstanding all my provocations. All the creation could not have afforded so much forbearance: the disciples of Christ would have called for fire from heaven: yea,Moseswould have found more here to irritate him than atMeribah. Glory be to God, thatwe have to do with him, and not with man. His ways are not as our ways, nor his thoughts as our thoughts: but as the heavens are high above the earth, so are his ways and thoughts of mercy above ours.

*Fourthly, I must bear witness to the reasonableness of God’s way. It did not destroy my faculties, but improve them. He enlightened my eyes to see what he would have me to do, and did not force but gradually persuade me to comply with it. This was not to compel, but gently bend the will, to the things that were really fit for it to incline to: nor did he ever oblige me to part with any sin, till he had let me see it was against my interest as well as duty: and the smallest piece of compliance with his will, wanted not even a present reward.

Lastly, Though this work was agreeable to reason, yet it was far above the power of nature. I cannot ascribe either its rise or progress to myself; for it was what I sought not, I thought not of; nay I hated, and feared and avoided, and shunned and opposed it with all my might. I cannot ascribe it to any outward means. There are many parts of it which they did not reach: and as to the rest, the most forcible failed; the weakest wrought the effect. Neither strong, nor weak had the same effect always. But the work was still carried on, by a secret and undiscernable power, like the wind, blowing where it listeth.It bore the impress of God in all its steps. The word that awakened me, was the voice ofhim who maketh the dead to hear, and calleth the things which are not, as though they were. The light that shone was,the candle of theLord, tracing an unsearchable heart through all its windings. It was all the work of one who is every where, who knoweth every thing, and who will not faint or be discouraged, till he hath brought forth judgment unto victory. And it was all an uniform work, though variously carried on, through many interruptions, over many oppositions, for a long tract of time, by means seemingly weak, improper, contrary, suitable only for him whose paths are in the great waters, and whose footsteps are not known. In a word, it was a bush burning and not consumed, only by the presence of God. It was as a spark in the midst of the ocean, still kept alive, notwithstanding floods continually poured upon it. This was the Lord’s doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes.

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