PARTIII.CHAPTERI.An extract fromMr.Thomas Walsh’s diary, relating chiefly, to the experience of his own soul, in his course ofwalking with God.CONCERNING the extract which here follows, it may be premised, 1. That although there was the utmost uniformity in the whole series of his progress; nevertheless, few persons were so sensible of various alterations in spirit, with respect to the sensations of joy and sorrow; delight in God, and complainings for the want of it: owing in great measure to a singular tenderness of conscience; and the close attention which he had to all the movements of hisinward man; so that things which some overlook, or entirely disregard, were esteemed by him, with regard to himself at least, as capital defections, from the law of perfect liberty and love.His diary consists of the feeling of his own heart, through every part of his Christian race,with scarce a single hour omitted. He always wrote down reflections upon himself, as either the pressure, or felicity of his soul at that time suggested; adding any spiritual observation, or maxim, which his own experience confirmed to him.2. It will be easily discerned, that the peculiarity of his writing, is a certain sententious abruptness; owing in part to the genius of theHebrewtongue, in which his latter studies wholly terminated. Though what most contributed thereto, was the rapid flow of his soul, on the subjects of which he either spoke or wrote, which raised him above attending to that accuracy, which writings, at least of a public nature require. In many places there is therefore a manifest deficiency, both as to words, particles and stops; in short, like the writings of the antients, without period or paragraph, in most places: so that liberty has been necessarily taken to add, retrench, or alter, sometimes a word, or sentence, to render the sense intelligible; though still retaining his sense entire.3. The inserting the precise date of every day’s experience, is judged unnecessary. Moreover the experience of several days, sometimes distant from each other, (tho’ rarely above a week) are thrown into the same paragraph, for the sake of brevity. The series of particulars, as to the order of time, is related as they occurred; andevery paragraph begins with the experience of a distant day.The reader being advertised of these particulars, we proceed to the extract itself.“At the close of this last day of the year, (1750, the year in which he began to preach) I examined myself how I had lived the past year? And could only say, I had not wickedly departed from my God; but was heartily ashamed that I had not glorified him better; resolving to watch for the time to come.”*“I prayed to God for quietness, and humility of mind; and found assistance against ‘this evil man, myself.’ O for a heart constantly fixed on God! I was reproved this day in spirit for an idle word.”“The Lord was with me all this day. I desire to be with the Lord continually, that my communion may be stronger with Jesus than ever. O, it is heaven upon earth to have Christ in ones heart. It is the beginning of the glory of God, to receive the lovely Jesus; and with him, the joy of theHoly Ghost. O that I had the tongue of an angel to praise my Lord! Hasten Lord the glad hour when I shall see thee as thou art!”“I preached this morning on the great and precious promises, Ezekielxxxvi.My soul aspired to have them accomplished; for I feel the evil of my nature, and especially the evil heart of unbelief that is within me.”“Friday, February 22.I preached this morning onSong of Solomonii.8.but was both dark and weak, having scarcely any power to explain any thing. O what a grief it is for one to preach, when he is left to himself, when the Lord is not his present strength and teacher! To preach consolation to others, and feel none himself! This exposes one to great temptation.”“Saturday 23.My soul enjoyed sweet repose in the blood of the Lamb, while my heart was engaged in meditation on his dying love. O, where can we find an instance of such love, as that of God to men onCalvary! When the innocent died for a guilty world, to bring them to God!”“Wednesday 27.I was not alive to God to-day. Unnecessary talk brought deadness upon my soul.”“Great part of this day I lived as in heaven. Heaven was within me. God was in my soul. The influences of his Spirit wrought so powerfully upon me, that my joy was beyond expression. O the length and breadth, and height, of the love of God! Well may it be said to pass knowledge. The spiritual man may discern it, but cannot set it forth in the manner he feels it. Those words of Isaiahlxi.10. lifted up my soul, as in a fiery chariot, above the fabric of this world.I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God, for he hath cloathed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered mewith the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ointments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.I could say, that the Lord had so done for my soul. O what enemies are the children of men to their own souls? They deprive themselves of happiness here, and of eternal glory hereafter; imagining that earthly enjoyments are above what religion can afford. But alas! it is because they know not this religion which brings such happiness to the soul.”*“O how sweet was Jesus to my soul. Therosefor sweetness; thelillyfor whiteness; theapple-treefor fruitfulness; what are they all to thee! Entering into my closet, the moment I bowed my knee, the Lord poured down a blessing into my soul. O what a heaven upon earth did I experience for some moments! Tongue cannot express the goodness of God to my soul. O where shall I find words to praise? How am I lost in the ocean, of the immensity of thy mercy! Lord, I know not how to give thee thanks. Where to begin, I cannot tell. O my soul, fall into silent amazement! Let all I have, or am, drop into nothing!”“March, Friday 8.This was a day of much temptation; but God, for my support and confirmation, was pleased to give me fresh manifestations of his love.”“Reading and prayer to day, were of little comfort to me. If it were not that I find the abiding witness of the Spirit in my soul, mybondage would be very great. It is the goodness of God which preserves me in the faith. The enemies of my salvation are thrusting sore at me from day to day. Defend, and keep me, O my God, for Jesu’s sake.”“In prayer, I saw the great difficulty of being a Christian in reality. There are many whoeat their own bread, and wear their own apparel, and are willing tobe called bythe name of Jesus, to take away their reproach—The abomination of being called Heathens. But they love notwithstanding, the ways of death, and darkness, rather than light; and do what Heathens would not do. The ninety-first psalm was made a great blessing to me, the ninth verse especially.”“This morning the Lord gave me language that I knew not of, raising my soul to him, in a wonderful manner. After preaching however in the evening, at my return to my room, I felt little life in my soul, but a Spirit of slothfulness. O what a poor creature! How incapable of thinking a good thought, or doing a truly good action! Sinful dust and ashes.”Friday 22.In the morning I had an earnest desire to be dissolved, and to be with Christ. I wanted to see Jesus, who bore and suffered so much forme.”“The25th, my soul was very dull. I had a desire to pray, but could not, through the deadness of my heart, and wandering of my thoughts. This is a thing I have to complain of in general;namely, wandering in prayer, want of earnestness and fervour.”“The29th, I cannot say, that till three o’clock I had true communion with God. But then, the Lord clearly manifested himself to me.”“1751. April 6.I had not much of the presence of God, nor of the comfort of the Holy Ghost, yet my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God!”“O what an aversion I had this morning to study, and followingthe Lamb! If it were not for promises which the gospel affords, I should be often brought into bondage: very often is my soul cast down and my spirit disquieted within me; so that I must needs utterly faint, if it was not that I firmly hope I shall yet praise God for the health of his countenance. I felt neither comfort nor power in preaching. O what a poor creature am I when left to myself! How dark of conception; how slow of heart and speech! It sometimes happens, that while I am thus writing down my condition, the Lord appears to my help: so it isnow; for God has been pleased to manifest himself unto me! And O what a welcome guest! At his coming my reins and my heart rejoice; my troubles are done away; my soul is greatly refreshed; my faith strengthened; my hope confirmed, and my love encreased. Glory be to God most high!”“God and his ways were sweet to my soul this morning. Great was the peace of my mind,and the joy which arose from considering what the Lord had done for my soul. O how did I long to be altogether like him,in righteousness and true holiness! Throughout the day, I enjoyed sweet repose in the blood ofthe Lamb. In the evening I preached on1 Corinthiansi.30.And God did indeed pour of his gracious spirit into my soul. Truly we had a heaven upon earth! O that I had the tongue of an angel to glorify thee for all thy benefits!”“Thursday May 23.I was in great trouble, going to preaching this morning. My temptations were sore, and my trials exceeding great; occasioned partly, by the condition of some, who for a timeran well, but are turned again to the flesh-pots ofEgypt. While I preached however, onPsalmsxxiii.1.myShepherdgave me to feed upon hishidden manna.”*“I found it hard work to be wholly set apart for God this day. I preached comfort to others, but could lay hold on little of it myself.”“I am often like a day in spring; the sun shining bright for a little while, and soon withdrawing again.The sun of righteousnessoften shines upon me, with his bright beams; but alas! the light is soon clouded, and the joy vanishes away. Yet still, blessed be God, my heart stands fast believing in the Lord. For I take it for granted, that the want of strong light and joy, no more argues want of faith, than the absence of uncloudedday, argues no sun in the firmament.”“An unusual fondness for company, brought deadness upon my soul. The vanities of the world importunately intruded upon me. If God were not on my side, I should have been long agoas Sodom, andlike unto Gomorrah. Such vanities crouded in upon me at prayer, that even I forgot what I was saying. I am a man sorely distressed with the wandering of my heart. I arose from prayer and read, and prayed again. The Lord at length met me, and instantly released me from my sorrow, and gave me power to wait upon him without distraction.”“Saturday June 12.Great was the comfort which I had in God. I had the full assurance of faith, that God wasmyGod, and ChristmySaviour. O the happiness of knowing this!”“Tuesday 28.I was deeply convinced of my depravity. O my God, I see the impurity of my heart in such a manner as frightens me. I know that Christ can have no communion withBelial; neitherrighteousnesswithunrighteousness. Lord break not thebruised reed, nor quench thesmoaking flax. Rather send down thy Holy Spirit, and set me free from the power of indwelling sin. Consume it O God. Cast out the spirit of uncleanness for Christ’s sake.”“This afternoon I walked in the fields, and had a sweet meeting with my Lord. He gave me his love.”“Sundaymorning. I was so stupid, that I could scarcely pray. Wandring thoughts crouded in upon me. O for an heart to pray. I find in general, that under the most afflictive trials, when I can in fervent prayer pour out my soul before the Lord, he gives me instant relief. But when I cannot pray, O then is my life burthensome to me; I cannot bear myself.”“The word this morning, was sweet to the souls of the people. They seemed to drink of the fountain of the water of life. I had a glorious manifestation of the love of God to my soul. My delight surely is in the Lord, and his Son Jesus Christ. Thou art my God, my love, my joy, my help, my health, and my all in all! Blessed be thy name,Amen.”“Too much given to talk; had not the usual longing after prayer and meditation. Yet the Lord helps mine infirmity.”“I had great joy in my soul, and longing desires to be with Christ. O that even now, I could behold his lovely face, and amiable countenance!”“Friday, July9th.I had a lively sense of the Lord’s having blotted out my former transgressions; and that he had promised to give mea clean heart. I had great peace; my soul being filled with the love of God.”“Saturday 10.Exercised this morning by false accusations. My only concern was, lest it should hinder the work of God. But in considerationof his over-ruling power and providence, I rested patiently on his will. My Jesus was made perfect through sufferings. O that I may be enabled to follow my master, in the way of the cross!”Walking in a garden this day, God made it anEdento my soul; pouring his love into my heart. I partook of the water and the tree of life: and the hidden manna was rained from heaven into my soul!Monday 19.All the day, my soul thirsted for the living God. I was transported, and exceedingly rejoiced in reading some divine meditations. O my God, What shall I say? Angels cannot praise thee worthily! What then shall I who am a worm of the earth do? O that I had wings like a dove? Lovely Jesus, when shall I see thy face, joining the rest of the redeemed, to celebrate the wonders of thy redeeming love! O that this were the moment! My soul shall ere long take its flight to the mansions, which I firmly believe my Saviour is preparing for me. O my God, my Saviour, my all!“Thursday 25.I had but little light or power. The Lord humbled, and shewed me mine own weakness; but did not leave me to it. He shewed me clearly, that it was neither to my graces, humblings, desires, doings, or sufferings I must trust for happiness and salvation, but in Christalone.”“Ah, Lord, who is sufficient for these things! O let me die, that I may see thee! Whither is my beloved gone? Return Lord, return. I am a feeble and helpless creature. Yet rejoice not against me, O mine enemy; for though I fall into temptations, heaviness, and trials, I shall rise again. O proudPhilistines, deceitfulDelilahs, inbred sin, pride of heart, anger, and folly, who can remove you. Lord Jesus, thou canst, and thou alone.”“At the sacrament, O how did my soul banquet in Jesus! What divine consolation did I feel in God my Saviour.”“Wednesday 23.Tempted to laugh on my very knees, O Lord my God be my rock. Hide me in thy wounds, and deliver me from myself. O Jesus I cry out of the deeps, hear my prayer, and let my cry come up before thee!”“Sure I am, that if my salvation depended on ought but the love ofGod my Saviour, I never should see the Lord. Alas I am all weakness, unbelief, disobedience, and darkness. My soul was weighed down with inbred sin. But I no sooner began to complain, and bewail myself before him, than he poured his love upon me, and gave me sweet access to him.”“1752. January 6.I could hardly account to myself, how my thoughts had been employed this day. O that they were every moment taken up in the contemplation of thy wondrous love and compassion to me, and all the fallen race; Ofor an humble, lowly, simple, pure, and perfect mind! What shall I say to thee, thou delight of my heart? How much fairer art thou than the sons of men!”*“When I look back upon my life I can see nothing that does not need to be washed with the blood of Christ. My best actions are imperfect I have need to fly to my Saviour, that from him I might receive that robe, which is pure and compleat. My whole desire is to be devoted to thee!”“Ashamed, to lift my eyes up to heaven. I fell down before the Lord my maker; and I may well say that he waited to be gracious; for before I could utter many words his love filled my heart. I could then look up with confidence, and saw my Father God, smile upon me, and my dear Redeemer at his right hand full of grace and truth forme. O how sweetly did the ever blessed Trinity join to bless me! Help me to praise thee, O thou strength ofIsrael.”“God was much with me in private. O what a heaven upon earth is it, to commune with him in prayer, holy reading, and divine meditation. Jesus is a well of life. How blessed is it to hold intimacy with him! This isparadiseindeed.”“Sunday.It was a glorious sabbath to my soul.”“Part of this day was the happiest I ever yet saw. I could freely depart to be with him whom my soul loveth. Truly I seemed to antedate thesweetness of the celestial felicity, which the glorified spirits enjoy above! My song was praises to my God.”“Had calm repose in God. A day of sore temptation. I was kept, but thro’ momentary watching unto prayer. O what am I! How weak, how blind, how poor! As tostrength, a bruised reed; forloveandzeal, as the♦smoaking flax. But thou, O God, art strong, and in thee is my hope.”♦“somaking” replaced with “smoaking”“Ill in body, dark in mind, dead in affections, and sorely troubled with temptations. Yet I was preserved from inclining to iniquity with my heart.”“Sunday.My soul agonized to enter into the rest of the people of God. I saw him by faith, and the promises were strongly brought to my remembrance, especially, ‘Ask what you will, and it shall be done unto you.’”“1753. March 7.In the morning there was an open intercourse between God and my soul, which for some hours remained undisturbed. About noon I felt sore war between nature and grace; so that I was brought low. Nature would have me manage for myself, grace was for casting all my care upon God. O thou author of every good gift, send me help from thy holy place to subdue the old man. Take away the perverseness of my own natural will, and make me lowly and patient as thou my Lord art.Thou art the source of grace and of goodness. In thee, O Lamb of God, is all I want.”“Thursday 8.Poured out my soul before the Lord, who gave me to feel hearty contrition with earnest desires to be sanctified wholly. For“O how wavering is my mindTost about with every wind?O how quickly doth my heartFrom the living God depart.”“Son of God, set me free, and knit my soul to thyself!”“Saturday 10.The Lord sweetly refreshed my spirit, I was strongly moved to pour out my soul, for my enemies, and all that forget God. There was a burning in my heart after all the life of God. Nothing appeared so desirable as holiness. O God take the whole capacity of my soul, and possess it by thy spirit.”“Sunday 25.I have had a proof to day of the vanity and uncertainty of human friendship. Some who loved and greatly esteemed me when I leftDublin, about ten weeks ago, will now, at my return, hardly speak to me. O that I may seek friendship and all good in God alone.”*“Some words I heard this morning pierced me to the very soul. Enter not into judgment with thy servant, O Lord. I fly to Jesus, thejust one, to hide me in his wounds. He is my sanctuary, the ark, the covenant, and the truealtar. Come my life, my treasure, and my God, shine into this drooping heart. Have I not an interest in thy blood! Am I not a child of thine, O God? Hast thou not said unto me,live? O that thy powerful voice would now speak to my soul, and bless me, O my Father!”“How little do I know of God, or of myself? O what a mystery is man? How difficult to find, and then to lose himself! Lord, I long to be settled and fixed in thee! O how does this mortal body press down the soul!”“Saturday April 21.Strengthened in the hope of full redemption. Jesus forsake me not, or I shall be of all men most miserable!”“Wednesday May 4.Woke with the presence of God. Jesus was amiable, and altogether lovely to my soul. My heart was carried out in praise to him for redeeming me, and making me his own for ever, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.”*“I earnestly longed after inward holiness: the image of God brought into my soul. For then only shall I be truly happy, when self-love, self-will, and all other roots of bitterness are rooted out of my heart, and the pure love of God overflows my whole soul. When Jesus is the supreme and sole governor, and all things within, are subdued by his grace; then the heart rests in peace, and all things move in their proper time and manner. The soul is retired, tho’ in the midst of hurry; and sweet peace, and joy flow from Jehovah, their source. This is the victory, the salvation,the liberty, the deliverance from sin, which very few believe, and which no one can know, save he that receiveth it. But it is the privilege of the children of God, and every one who sincerely seeks and with all his might, strives for it, shall surely attain, by the Spirit of the Lord; for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.”“Friday 31.After preaching, gave myself to my usual study. O freedom of heart, and contempt of the world, how great blessings are ye? Plentifully did the Lord shower his love into my soul this day, in our public meeting. Verily thou art the pleasure of my soul, the hope and desire of my heart.”“This day God prepared me for a sore trial, by giving me sweet repose in his love. I lived as it were in heaven. My soul was ravished with his sweetness. So was I enabled to bear with calmness and patience, the abusive language of one who came to my room, breathing out threatenings against me. Alas, How many are there who are great friends in profession, but not such in reality.”“Saturday August 29.In the night I was grievously tempted of the devil. He injected such blasphemies, and threw such fiery darts as I never experienced before. I was sore amazed, and cried unto the Lord Jesus. He heard my cry, bruised his head and delivered my soul from his rage and fury. Lord, thou upholdest me, or I should fall! O stay with me, till I arrive safe in thy kingdom!”“Sunday, September 1.Was a day of feasting and rejoicing to my soul. I had sweet converse with my Beloved, while I joyed in his salvation. I proclaimed his name to thousands, fromJeremiahvi.10.And never felt more freedom to preach my Saviour. O my Lord, thou art precious to my soul, and thy service is my reward!”“1754. Sunday, March.At the Lord’s supper this morning, my soul was dissolved with divine love. I could bless God that ever I was born to so happy and glorious an end, as to love and praise and serve my Redeemer. Yes, Jesus, thou art precious to my soul. Thy yoke is easy, and thy commandments holy and just and good. I desire to keep them with my whole heart.”“The more I see of the world, the less happiness I can discern in it. Happy are they who are well out of it. Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his.”“I wept and rejoiced that God had given me a soul capable of loving him. In reading and meditating in the open air, my soul tasted of the joys in part, which those spirits enjoy who behold his face continually.”“My soul vehemently groaned and longed for full redemption, while it enjoyed sweet converse with my dear Lord Jesus.”“Saturday 23.I had intercourse with heaven all day. I thirsted for the salvation of all men, as for my own soul. I was also deeply humbled before the Lord, seeing myself the most vile and unworthyof all his creatures. He likewise made willing to be despised and evil spoken of. And I cannot but admire the wisdom and goodness of God, in so preparing me for what soon followed. One of my acquaintance, that went with me to the house of God, laid to my charge things which I knew not. I sent for him, but he could say nothing to my face. His mouth was stopped, and he seemed quite ashamed. I felt much patience and pity towards him. Lord Jesus, give him repentance, and take prejudice out of his heart.”“Friday, May 3.I had a feeling sense of the treasures of grace and glory, which are laid up for me, both here, and in heaven. O what a heaven did I experience in being able to call God,myGod, andmyFather!”
PARTIII.
An extract fromMr.Thomas Walsh’s diary, relating chiefly, to the experience of his own soul, in his course ofwalking with God.
CONCERNING the extract which here follows, it may be premised, 1. That although there was the utmost uniformity in the whole series of his progress; nevertheless, few persons were so sensible of various alterations in spirit, with respect to the sensations of joy and sorrow; delight in God, and complainings for the want of it: owing in great measure to a singular tenderness of conscience; and the close attention which he had to all the movements of hisinward man; so that things which some overlook, or entirely disregard, were esteemed by him, with regard to himself at least, as capital defections, from the law of perfect liberty and love.
His diary consists of the feeling of his own heart, through every part of his Christian race,with scarce a single hour omitted. He always wrote down reflections upon himself, as either the pressure, or felicity of his soul at that time suggested; adding any spiritual observation, or maxim, which his own experience confirmed to him.
2. It will be easily discerned, that the peculiarity of his writing, is a certain sententious abruptness; owing in part to the genius of theHebrewtongue, in which his latter studies wholly terminated. Though what most contributed thereto, was the rapid flow of his soul, on the subjects of which he either spoke or wrote, which raised him above attending to that accuracy, which writings, at least of a public nature require. In many places there is therefore a manifest deficiency, both as to words, particles and stops; in short, like the writings of the antients, without period or paragraph, in most places: so that liberty has been necessarily taken to add, retrench, or alter, sometimes a word, or sentence, to render the sense intelligible; though still retaining his sense entire.
3. The inserting the precise date of every day’s experience, is judged unnecessary. Moreover the experience of several days, sometimes distant from each other, (tho’ rarely above a week) are thrown into the same paragraph, for the sake of brevity. The series of particulars, as to the order of time, is related as they occurred; andevery paragraph begins with the experience of a distant day.
The reader being advertised of these particulars, we proceed to the extract itself.
“At the close of this last day of the year, (1750, the year in which he began to preach) I examined myself how I had lived the past year? And could only say, I had not wickedly departed from my God; but was heartily ashamed that I had not glorified him better; resolving to watch for the time to come.”
*“I prayed to God for quietness, and humility of mind; and found assistance against ‘this evil man, myself.’ O for a heart constantly fixed on God! I was reproved this day in spirit for an idle word.”
“The Lord was with me all this day. I desire to be with the Lord continually, that my communion may be stronger with Jesus than ever. O, it is heaven upon earth to have Christ in ones heart. It is the beginning of the glory of God, to receive the lovely Jesus; and with him, the joy of theHoly Ghost. O that I had the tongue of an angel to praise my Lord! Hasten Lord the glad hour when I shall see thee as thou art!”
“I preached this morning on the great and precious promises, Ezekielxxxvi.My soul aspired to have them accomplished; for I feel the evil of my nature, and especially the evil heart of unbelief that is within me.”
“Friday, February 22.I preached this morning onSong of Solomonii.8.but was both dark and weak, having scarcely any power to explain any thing. O what a grief it is for one to preach, when he is left to himself, when the Lord is not his present strength and teacher! To preach consolation to others, and feel none himself! This exposes one to great temptation.”
“Saturday 23.My soul enjoyed sweet repose in the blood of the Lamb, while my heart was engaged in meditation on his dying love. O, where can we find an instance of such love, as that of God to men onCalvary! When the innocent died for a guilty world, to bring them to God!”
“Wednesday 27.I was not alive to God to-day. Unnecessary talk brought deadness upon my soul.”
“Great part of this day I lived as in heaven. Heaven was within me. God was in my soul. The influences of his Spirit wrought so powerfully upon me, that my joy was beyond expression. O the length and breadth, and height, of the love of God! Well may it be said to pass knowledge. The spiritual man may discern it, but cannot set it forth in the manner he feels it. Those words of Isaiahlxi.10. lifted up my soul, as in a fiery chariot, above the fabric of this world.I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God, for he hath cloathed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered mewith the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ointments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.I could say, that the Lord had so done for my soul. O what enemies are the children of men to their own souls? They deprive themselves of happiness here, and of eternal glory hereafter; imagining that earthly enjoyments are above what religion can afford. But alas! it is because they know not this religion which brings such happiness to the soul.”
*“O how sweet was Jesus to my soul. Therosefor sweetness; thelillyfor whiteness; theapple-treefor fruitfulness; what are they all to thee! Entering into my closet, the moment I bowed my knee, the Lord poured down a blessing into my soul. O what a heaven upon earth did I experience for some moments! Tongue cannot express the goodness of God to my soul. O where shall I find words to praise? How am I lost in the ocean, of the immensity of thy mercy! Lord, I know not how to give thee thanks. Where to begin, I cannot tell. O my soul, fall into silent amazement! Let all I have, or am, drop into nothing!”
“March, Friday 8.This was a day of much temptation; but God, for my support and confirmation, was pleased to give me fresh manifestations of his love.”
“Reading and prayer to day, were of little comfort to me. If it were not that I find the abiding witness of the Spirit in my soul, mybondage would be very great. It is the goodness of God which preserves me in the faith. The enemies of my salvation are thrusting sore at me from day to day. Defend, and keep me, O my God, for Jesu’s sake.”
“In prayer, I saw the great difficulty of being a Christian in reality. There are many whoeat their own bread, and wear their own apparel, and are willing tobe called bythe name of Jesus, to take away their reproach—The abomination of being called Heathens. But they love notwithstanding, the ways of death, and darkness, rather than light; and do what Heathens would not do. The ninety-first psalm was made a great blessing to me, the ninth verse especially.”
“This morning the Lord gave me language that I knew not of, raising my soul to him, in a wonderful manner. After preaching however in the evening, at my return to my room, I felt little life in my soul, but a Spirit of slothfulness. O what a poor creature! How incapable of thinking a good thought, or doing a truly good action! Sinful dust and ashes.”
Friday 22.In the morning I had an earnest desire to be dissolved, and to be with Christ. I wanted to see Jesus, who bore and suffered so much forme.”
“The25th, my soul was very dull. I had a desire to pray, but could not, through the deadness of my heart, and wandering of my thoughts. This is a thing I have to complain of in general;namely, wandering in prayer, want of earnestness and fervour.”
“The29th, I cannot say, that till three o’clock I had true communion with God. But then, the Lord clearly manifested himself to me.”
“1751. April 6.I had not much of the presence of God, nor of the comfort of the Holy Ghost, yet my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God!”
“O what an aversion I had this morning to study, and followingthe Lamb! If it were not for promises which the gospel affords, I should be often brought into bondage: very often is my soul cast down and my spirit disquieted within me; so that I must needs utterly faint, if it was not that I firmly hope I shall yet praise God for the health of his countenance. I felt neither comfort nor power in preaching. O what a poor creature am I when left to myself! How dark of conception; how slow of heart and speech! It sometimes happens, that while I am thus writing down my condition, the Lord appears to my help: so it isnow; for God has been pleased to manifest himself unto me! And O what a welcome guest! At his coming my reins and my heart rejoice; my troubles are done away; my soul is greatly refreshed; my faith strengthened; my hope confirmed, and my love encreased. Glory be to God most high!”
“God and his ways were sweet to my soul this morning. Great was the peace of my mind,and the joy which arose from considering what the Lord had done for my soul. O how did I long to be altogether like him,in righteousness and true holiness! Throughout the day, I enjoyed sweet repose in the blood ofthe Lamb. In the evening I preached on1 Corinthiansi.30.And God did indeed pour of his gracious spirit into my soul. Truly we had a heaven upon earth! O that I had the tongue of an angel to glorify thee for all thy benefits!”
“Thursday May 23.I was in great trouble, going to preaching this morning. My temptations were sore, and my trials exceeding great; occasioned partly, by the condition of some, who for a timeran well, but are turned again to the flesh-pots ofEgypt. While I preached however, onPsalmsxxiii.1.myShepherdgave me to feed upon hishidden manna.”
*“I found it hard work to be wholly set apart for God this day. I preached comfort to others, but could lay hold on little of it myself.”
“I am often like a day in spring; the sun shining bright for a little while, and soon withdrawing again.The sun of righteousnessoften shines upon me, with his bright beams; but alas! the light is soon clouded, and the joy vanishes away. Yet still, blessed be God, my heart stands fast believing in the Lord. For I take it for granted, that the want of strong light and joy, no more argues want of faith, than the absence of uncloudedday, argues no sun in the firmament.”
“An unusual fondness for company, brought deadness upon my soul. The vanities of the world importunately intruded upon me. If God were not on my side, I should have been long agoas Sodom, andlike unto Gomorrah. Such vanities crouded in upon me at prayer, that even I forgot what I was saying. I am a man sorely distressed with the wandering of my heart. I arose from prayer and read, and prayed again. The Lord at length met me, and instantly released me from my sorrow, and gave me power to wait upon him without distraction.”
“Saturday June 12.Great was the comfort which I had in God. I had the full assurance of faith, that God wasmyGod, and ChristmySaviour. O the happiness of knowing this!”
“Tuesday 28.I was deeply convinced of my depravity. O my God, I see the impurity of my heart in such a manner as frightens me. I know that Christ can have no communion withBelial; neitherrighteousnesswithunrighteousness. Lord break not thebruised reed, nor quench thesmoaking flax. Rather send down thy Holy Spirit, and set me free from the power of indwelling sin. Consume it O God. Cast out the spirit of uncleanness for Christ’s sake.”
“This afternoon I walked in the fields, and had a sweet meeting with my Lord. He gave me his love.”
“Sundaymorning. I was so stupid, that I could scarcely pray. Wandring thoughts crouded in upon me. O for an heart to pray. I find in general, that under the most afflictive trials, when I can in fervent prayer pour out my soul before the Lord, he gives me instant relief. But when I cannot pray, O then is my life burthensome to me; I cannot bear myself.”
“The word this morning, was sweet to the souls of the people. They seemed to drink of the fountain of the water of life. I had a glorious manifestation of the love of God to my soul. My delight surely is in the Lord, and his Son Jesus Christ. Thou art my God, my love, my joy, my help, my health, and my all in all! Blessed be thy name,Amen.”
“Too much given to talk; had not the usual longing after prayer and meditation. Yet the Lord helps mine infirmity.”
“I had great joy in my soul, and longing desires to be with Christ. O that even now, I could behold his lovely face, and amiable countenance!”
“Friday, July9th.I had a lively sense of the Lord’s having blotted out my former transgressions; and that he had promised to give mea clean heart. I had great peace; my soul being filled with the love of God.”
“Saturday 10.Exercised this morning by false accusations. My only concern was, lest it should hinder the work of God. But in considerationof his over-ruling power and providence, I rested patiently on his will. My Jesus was made perfect through sufferings. O that I may be enabled to follow my master, in the way of the cross!”
Walking in a garden this day, God made it anEdento my soul; pouring his love into my heart. I partook of the water and the tree of life: and the hidden manna was rained from heaven into my soul!
Monday 19.All the day, my soul thirsted for the living God. I was transported, and exceedingly rejoiced in reading some divine meditations. O my God, What shall I say? Angels cannot praise thee worthily! What then shall I who am a worm of the earth do? O that I had wings like a dove? Lovely Jesus, when shall I see thy face, joining the rest of the redeemed, to celebrate the wonders of thy redeeming love! O that this were the moment! My soul shall ere long take its flight to the mansions, which I firmly believe my Saviour is preparing for me. O my God, my Saviour, my all!
“Thursday 25.I had but little light or power. The Lord humbled, and shewed me mine own weakness; but did not leave me to it. He shewed me clearly, that it was neither to my graces, humblings, desires, doings, or sufferings I must trust for happiness and salvation, but in Christalone.”
“Ah, Lord, who is sufficient for these things! O let me die, that I may see thee! Whither is my beloved gone? Return Lord, return. I am a feeble and helpless creature. Yet rejoice not against me, O mine enemy; for though I fall into temptations, heaviness, and trials, I shall rise again. O proudPhilistines, deceitfulDelilahs, inbred sin, pride of heart, anger, and folly, who can remove you. Lord Jesus, thou canst, and thou alone.”
“At the sacrament, O how did my soul banquet in Jesus! What divine consolation did I feel in God my Saviour.”
“Wednesday 23.Tempted to laugh on my very knees, O Lord my God be my rock. Hide me in thy wounds, and deliver me from myself. O Jesus I cry out of the deeps, hear my prayer, and let my cry come up before thee!”
“Sure I am, that if my salvation depended on ought but the love ofGod my Saviour, I never should see the Lord. Alas I am all weakness, unbelief, disobedience, and darkness. My soul was weighed down with inbred sin. But I no sooner began to complain, and bewail myself before him, than he poured his love upon me, and gave me sweet access to him.”
“1752. January 6.I could hardly account to myself, how my thoughts had been employed this day. O that they were every moment taken up in the contemplation of thy wondrous love and compassion to me, and all the fallen race; Ofor an humble, lowly, simple, pure, and perfect mind! What shall I say to thee, thou delight of my heart? How much fairer art thou than the sons of men!”
*“When I look back upon my life I can see nothing that does not need to be washed with the blood of Christ. My best actions are imperfect I have need to fly to my Saviour, that from him I might receive that robe, which is pure and compleat. My whole desire is to be devoted to thee!”
“Ashamed, to lift my eyes up to heaven. I fell down before the Lord my maker; and I may well say that he waited to be gracious; for before I could utter many words his love filled my heart. I could then look up with confidence, and saw my Father God, smile upon me, and my dear Redeemer at his right hand full of grace and truth forme. O how sweetly did the ever blessed Trinity join to bless me! Help me to praise thee, O thou strength ofIsrael.”
“God was much with me in private. O what a heaven upon earth is it, to commune with him in prayer, holy reading, and divine meditation. Jesus is a well of life. How blessed is it to hold intimacy with him! This isparadiseindeed.”
“Sunday.It was a glorious sabbath to my soul.”
“Part of this day was the happiest I ever yet saw. I could freely depart to be with him whom my soul loveth. Truly I seemed to antedate thesweetness of the celestial felicity, which the glorified spirits enjoy above! My song was praises to my God.”
“Had calm repose in God. A day of sore temptation. I was kept, but thro’ momentary watching unto prayer. O what am I! How weak, how blind, how poor! As tostrength, a bruised reed; forloveandzeal, as the♦smoaking flax. But thou, O God, art strong, and in thee is my hope.”
♦“somaking” replaced with “smoaking”
♦“somaking” replaced with “smoaking”
♦“somaking” replaced with “smoaking”
“Ill in body, dark in mind, dead in affections, and sorely troubled with temptations. Yet I was preserved from inclining to iniquity with my heart.”
“Sunday.My soul agonized to enter into the rest of the people of God. I saw him by faith, and the promises were strongly brought to my remembrance, especially, ‘Ask what you will, and it shall be done unto you.’”
“1753. March 7.In the morning there was an open intercourse between God and my soul, which for some hours remained undisturbed. About noon I felt sore war between nature and grace; so that I was brought low. Nature would have me manage for myself, grace was for casting all my care upon God. O thou author of every good gift, send me help from thy holy place to subdue the old man. Take away the perverseness of my own natural will, and make me lowly and patient as thou my Lord art.Thou art the source of grace and of goodness. In thee, O Lamb of God, is all I want.”
“Thursday 8.Poured out my soul before the Lord, who gave me to feel hearty contrition with earnest desires to be sanctified wholly. For
“O how wavering is my mindTost about with every wind?O how quickly doth my heartFrom the living God depart.”
“O how wavering is my mindTost about with every wind?O how quickly doth my heartFrom the living God depart.”
“O how wavering is my mind
Tost about with every wind?
O how quickly doth my heart
From the living God depart.”
“Son of God, set me free, and knit my soul to thyself!”
“Saturday 10.The Lord sweetly refreshed my spirit, I was strongly moved to pour out my soul, for my enemies, and all that forget God. There was a burning in my heart after all the life of God. Nothing appeared so desirable as holiness. O God take the whole capacity of my soul, and possess it by thy spirit.”
“Sunday 25.I have had a proof to day of the vanity and uncertainty of human friendship. Some who loved and greatly esteemed me when I leftDublin, about ten weeks ago, will now, at my return, hardly speak to me. O that I may seek friendship and all good in God alone.”
*“Some words I heard this morning pierced me to the very soul. Enter not into judgment with thy servant, O Lord. I fly to Jesus, thejust one, to hide me in his wounds. He is my sanctuary, the ark, the covenant, and the truealtar. Come my life, my treasure, and my God, shine into this drooping heart. Have I not an interest in thy blood! Am I not a child of thine, O God? Hast thou not said unto me,live? O that thy powerful voice would now speak to my soul, and bless me, O my Father!”
“How little do I know of God, or of myself? O what a mystery is man? How difficult to find, and then to lose himself! Lord, I long to be settled and fixed in thee! O how does this mortal body press down the soul!”
“Saturday April 21.Strengthened in the hope of full redemption. Jesus forsake me not, or I shall be of all men most miserable!”
“Wednesday May 4.Woke with the presence of God. Jesus was amiable, and altogether lovely to my soul. My heart was carried out in praise to him for redeeming me, and making me his own for ever, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.”
*“I earnestly longed after inward holiness: the image of God brought into my soul. For then only shall I be truly happy, when self-love, self-will, and all other roots of bitterness are rooted out of my heart, and the pure love of God overflows my whole soul. When Jesus is the supreme and sole governor, and all things within, are subdued by his grace; then the heart rests in peace, and all things move in their proper time and manner. The soul is retired, tho’ in the midst of hurry; and sweet peace, and joy flow from Jehovah, their source. This is the victory, the salvation,the liberty, the deliverance from sin, which very few believe, and which no one can know, save he that receiveth it. But it is the privilege of the children of God, and every one who sincerely seeks and with all his might, strives for it, shall surely attain, by the Spirit of the Lord; for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it.”
“Friday 31.After preaching, gave myself to my usual study. O freedom of heart, and contempt of the world, how great blessings are ye? Plentifully did the Lord shower his love into my soul this day, in our public meeting. Verily thou art the pleasure of my soul, the hope and desire of my heart.”
“This day God prepared me for a sore trial, by giving me sweet repose in his love. I lived as it were in heaven. My soul was ravished with his sweetness. So was I enabled to bear with calmness and patience, the abusive language of one who came to my room, breathing out threatenings against me. Alas, How many are there who are great friends in profession, but not such in reality.”
“Saturday August 29.In the night I was grievously tempted of the devil. He injected such blasphemies, and threw such fiery darts as I never experienced before. I was sore amazed, and cried unto the Lord Jesus. He heard my cry, bruised his head and delivered my soul from his rage and fury. Lord, thou upholdest me, or I should fall! O stay with me, till I arrive safe in thy kingdom!”
“Sunday, September 1.Was a day of feasting and rejoicing to my soul. I had sweet converse with my Beloved, while I joyed in his salvation. I proclaimed his name to thousands, fromJeremiahvi.10.And never felt more freedom to preach my Saviour. O my Lord, thou art precious to my soul, and thy service is my reward!”
“1754. Sunday, March.At the Lord’s supper this morning, my soul was dissolved with divine love. I could bless God that ever I was born to so happy and glorious an end, as to love and praise and serve my Redeemer. Yes, Jesus, thou art precious to my soul. Thy yoke is easy, and thy commandments holy and just and good. I desire to keep them with my whole heart.”
“The more I see of the world, the less happiness I can discern in it. Happy are they who are well out of it. Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his.”
“I wept and rejoiced that God had given me a soul capable of loving him. In reading and meditating in the open air, my soul tasted of the joys in part, which those spirits enjoy who behold his face continually.”
“My soul vehemently groaned and longed for full redemption, while it enjoyed sweet converse with my dear Lord Jesus.”
“Saturday 23.I had intercourse with heaven all day. I thirsted for the salvation of all men, as for my own soul. I was also deeply humbled before the Lord, seeing myself the most vile and unworthyof all his creatures. He likewise made willing to be despised and evil spoken of. And I cannot but admire the wisdom and goodness of God, in so preparing me for what soon followed. One of my acquaintance, that went with me to the house of God, laid to my charge things which I knew not. I sent for him, but he could say nothing to my face. His mouth was stopped, and he seemed quite ashamed. I felt much patience and pity towards him. Lord Jesus, give him repentance, and take prejudice out of his heart.”
“Friday, May 3.I had a feeling sense of the treasures of grace and glory, which are laid up for me, both here, and in heaven. O what a heaven did I experience in being able to call God,myGod, andmyFather!”