CHAPTERX.

CHAPTERX.Of his death.1.ON the11thofApril, 1649, he found himself very ill, and having concealed his sickness five days, was then constrained to take his bed. He endured great pains all over his body, with which his mind too was so much affected, that he profest, if God had not assisted him against the ravings of his imagination, he should have spoken more extravagancies than any madman. “There was much, he said, in such a condition to humble him. But it was the duty of a sinner to honour God, in all conditions wherein he should place him.”2. During these great pains and torments, and during the whole course of his sickness, his ordinary employment consisted in affectionate elevations of his soul to God, in thoughts and words of blessing, praise, and submission to whatsoever was laid upon him, and of meekness and perfect obedience to all that attended, and had the care of him, with such a humble and contented spirit, that he thought all well done, though sometimes it was otherwise.3. His patience never gave way to any complaint. And when his keeper, who was of the hospital of charity, with whom he had visited so many poor and sick, importuned him to declare his pain, *“O sister, said he, how does the love of God wipe away all pain? The servants of God suffer nothing.” Another friend asking, if his pain was not great? He answered, no. The other replied, “He thought it was.” “It is true, saith he, that I am much clogged with my disease; but I feel it not, because I do not think of it.”4. Being urged to take some sweet things, he refused, saying, “These make little for life or for death.” Yet he refused not physic, but took it with a chearful countenance, though it was very bitter, and he had a great difficulty in swallowing. Indeed when one told him of another medicine which had done great cures, he answered, “Patience is a sovereign remedy,” intimatinghis unwillingness to try it. Yet when it was brought, he took it without any reluctance.5. His sickness increasing more and more, yet he never called for any thing to refresh him: and when they had forced clean sheets upon his bed, and a pillow, which he had before refused, he said, “Lo! Here lies a gentleman at his ease.”*6. Feeling some joy arise in him, upon the sight of a person of his acquaintance, with whom he had held a strict correspondence in spiritual things, who came out of the country on purpose to visit him: he immediately repeated thrice over, with great fervour, “I desire nothing more but God.”7. Reflecting on the poor, the constant objects of his tenderest care, he said to his lady, “I recommend the poor to you. Will not you have a great care of them? You will perform it better than I. Fear nothing: what you give to them, will not lessen the rest.”8. The greatest part of the first week of his illness, and some part of the second likewise, was spent by him in works of mercy, appointing of alms, and giving orders for letters to be writ into several provinces, about business of charity wherewith he stood charged, and whereof he gave an exact account.9. Many persons of quality coming to visit him, he received them with much civility, but not without some concern, because most of thosevisits drew on discourse of worldly things. “They come hither, said he, to talk philosophy; of which I have no need.” And another time his expression was,“A Christian should talk little.”*10. A lady of great piety coming to visit him said, “Sir, I would with all my heart lay down my life to save yours.” He replied with a chearful look, and eyes lifted up to heaven, “To die is not to be lost. Our conversation and union will hereafter be more near and intimate.” She said, “But, Sir, if it pleased God to restore your health, and continue you longer with us; do not you desire it?St.Martindesired to live upon these terms.” He answered, “O Madam, there is no comparison between a saint and a sinner! The will of God be done.”11. The third day of his sickness he desired his director might be sent for. And being asked, if he found himself worse? He answered, “No; but in a business of this consequence, it is not safe to delay, for fear of a surprizal, the judgment and memory being both so subject to decay.” The next day he made his confession, the day after he confessed again, and almost every day till his death.12. The pastor of his parish having administered to him the Holy Communion, and observing his deep silence, not speaking one word; butonly with profound humility, “My God, my God, pardon me; I am a great sinner!” He asked him the reason, why he spake so little, and did not apply himself to those who were well-pleased to hear him? “It is not fitting, said he, to speak in the presence of him whom I have received, nor take up any room in those hearts, which ought to be filled only with God.” He added, *“My spirit is now applied to that joy, which a creature ought to have, to see himself upon the point of being re-united to his first principle, and his last end.”13. The same day after dinner, one told him, “It was fit to use some diversion from his serious thoughts; the physicians judging his disease to have much of melancholy in it.” To whom he replied, “I never had any joy comparable to that I have felt this day.” He asked him, for what cause? “To think, said he, that I am going to be united with my God.” He added earnestly, “I desire to be dissolved, and to be with Christ. The Spirit and the bride say, Come; and let him that heareth say, Come. And he that thirsteth, Let him come. Behold I come quickly. Amen; Come Lord Jesus!”*14. About noon, he desired his window might be set open, that he might behold the brightness of the day: which being done, he cried out, “O bright day of eternity! How this sun-shine chears me! Helping me to meditate on that day, which shall never have night!”*15. The more his sickness increased, the more he strove to unite himself to God by prayer, imitating his master, who in the strength of his agony, prayed the more earnestly. And when the violence of his disease so opprest him, that he had need of greater straining, to keep his mind fixed upon God, he cried out,“Courage, courage! Eternity is at hand!”16. Many such speeches he uttered with incredible fervor, tho’ he could not pronounce them distinctly, by reason of the extreme dryness of his throat, occasioned by the fever. At last, stopping his speech, he fixed his eyes stedfastly on heaven, for a quarter of an hour together, with a smiling look, and full of reverence, as if he saw some extraordinary sight. After which gathering all his strength, he sat up in his bed, took off his cap, and holding it in his hand, said, (with words half stifled in his throat, as well by the ardor of his spirit, as the weakness of his body)“I adore you, I adore you.”17. The curate having used the service of the church, to which he attended with great devotion, answering to every prayer, asked him, if he would not give a blessing to his children? Heanswered, “How so, good Sir, shall I presume to give a blessing in your presence? I should be happy to receive one from you.” But being urged thereto, and told the church allowed it, he lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, saying,“May it please God to bless you and to preserve you by his grace from the malignity of the world, that you may have no part therein! And above all, my children, may you live in the fear and love of God, and yield due obedience to your mother!”18. OnSaturday, about half an hour past ten in the forenoon,♦being just recovered out of a violent convulsion, looking attentively on those that were present, he made signs with his hands, head, and eyes, with a pleasant countenance, for an intimate friend to come near him. Which being done, he said,♦“been” replaced with “being”“Sir, I have one word to say to you before I die:” (then pausing a little to recover his strength, he testified his affection to him, but in words that could not distinctly be understood. At length raising his voice, and speaking more articulately, he went on) “The perfection of a Christian life, is to be united to God by faith. Let us not entangle ourselves in novelties. Let us adore his conduct over us, and continue faithful to him unto the end. Let us adhere to that one God, crucified for our salvation. Let us unite all ouractions, and all that is in us to his merits; hoping that if we continue faithful to him by his grace, we shall be partakers of the glory of his Father. I hope we shall there see one another one day, which shall never have an end.”19. Some time after, fixing his eyes upon heaven, he said, “The holy Jesus, where is he?” They brought him his picture, which he affectionately kissed. Then turning himself he presently entered his last agony; which held about a quarter of an hour, the greatest part of which he spent in pronouncing the name of Jesus; making as well as he could, acts of resignation, and commending his spirit to God: After which he expired sweetly, and his holy soul departed to its place of rest.20. Thus lived and diedM.de Renty, one of the most glorious lights God hath bestowed upon his church in our age. He died atParis, in the37thyear of his age, the24thofApril1649, about noon. We have great reason to admire the secret counsels of God, in taking out of the world, in the flower of his age, a man so qualified to advance the honour of God, and the good of his neighbour. But when we say, it was the hand of God, all things are therein concluded. Hereby he is pleased to let us know, that he hath no need of us for the advancing his glory; and that when he does use us as instruments therein, we ought to behave withall humility in his presence. He hath translated him to another place, where he glorifies his majesty with greater perfection; and where he waits for us to glorify and love, together with him, God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, to all eternity!Amen!

Of his death.

1.ON the11thofApril, 1649, he found himself very ill, and having concealed his sickness five days, was then constrained to take his bed. He endured great pains all over his body, with which his mind too was so much affected, that he profest, if God had not assisted him against the ravings of his imagination, he should have spoken more extravagancies than any madman. “There was much, he said, in such a condition to humble him. But it was the duty of a sinner to honour God, in all conditions wherein he should place him.”

2. During these great pains and torments, and during the whole course of his sickness, his ordinary employment consisted in affectionate elevations of his soul to God, in thoughts and words of blessing, praise, and submission to whatsoever was laid upon him, and of meekness and perfect obedience to all that attended, and had the care of him, with such a humble and contented spirit, that he thought all well done, though sometimes it was otherwise.

3. His patience never gave way to any complaint. And when his keeper, who was of the hospital of charity, with whom he had visited so many poor and sick, importuned him to declare his pain, *“O sister, said he, how does the love of God wipe away all pain? The servants of God suffer nothing.” Another friend asking, if his pain was not great? He answered, no. The other replied, “He thought it was.” “It is true, saith he, that I am much clogged with my disease; but I feel it not, because I do not think of it.”

4. Being urged to take some sweet things, he refused, saying, “These make little for life or for death.” Yet he refused not physic, but took it with a chearful countenance, though it was very bitter, and he had a great difficulty in swallowing. Indeed when one told him of another medicine which had done great cures, he answered, “Patience is a sovereign remedy,” intimatinghis unwillingness to try it. Yet when it was brought, he took it without any reluctance.

5. His sickness increasing more and more, yet he never called for any thing to refresh him: and when they had forced clean sheets upon his bed, and a pillow, which he had before refused, he said, “Lo! Here lies a gentleman at his ease.”

*6. Feeling some joy arise in him, upon the sight of a person of his acquaintance, with whom he had held a strict correspondence in spiritual things, who came out of the country on purpose to visit him: he immediately repeated thrice over, with great fervour, “I desire nothing more but God.”

7. Reflecting on the poor, the constant objects of his tenderest care, he said to his lady, “I recommend the poor to you. Will not you have a great care of them? You will perform it better than I. Fear nothing: what you give to them, will not lessen the rest.”

8. The greatest part of the first week of his illness, and some part of the second likewise, was spent by him in works of mercy, appointing of alms, and giving orders for letters to be writ into several provinces, about business of charity wherewith he stood charged, and whereof he gave an exact account.

9. Many persons of quality coming to visit him, he received them with much civility, but not without some concern, because most of thosevisits drew on discourse of worldly things. “They come hither, said he, to talk philosophy; of which I have no need.” And another time his expression was,

“A Christian should talk little.”

*10. A lady of great piety coming to visit him said, “Sir, I would with all my heart lay down my life to save yours.” He replied with a chearful look, and eyes lifted up to heaven, “To die is not to be lost. Our conversation and union will hereafter be more near and intimate.” She said, “But, Sir, if it pleased God to restore your health, and continue you longer with us; do not you desire it?St.Martindesired to live upon these terms.” He answered, “O Madam, there is no comparison between a saint and a sinner! The will of God be done.”

11. The third day of his sickness he desired his director might be sent for. And being asked, if he found himself worse? He answered, “No; but in a business of this consequence, it is not safe to delay, for fear of a surprizal, the judgment and memory being both so subject to decay.” The next day he made his confession, the day after he confessed again, and almost every day till his death.

12. The pastor of his parish having administered to him the Holy Communion, and observing his deep silence, not speaking one word; butonly with profound humility, “My God, my God, pardon me; I am a great sinner!” He asked him the reason, why he spake so little, and did not apply himself to those who were well-pleased to hear him? “It is not fitting, said he, to speak in the presence of him whom I have received, nor take up any room in those hearts, which ought to be filled only with God.” He added, *“My spirit is now applied to that joy, which a creature ought to have, to see himself upon the point of being re-united to his first principle, and his last end.”

13. The same day after dinner, one told him, “It was fit to use some diversion from his serious thoughts; the physicians judging his disease to have much of melancholy in it.” To whom he replied, “I never had any joy comparable to that I have felt this day.” He asked him, for what cause? “To think, said he, that I am going to be united with my God.” He added earnestly, “I desire to be dissolved, and to be with Christ. The Spirit and the bride say, Come; and let him that heareth say, Come. And he that thirsteth, Let him come. Behold I come quickly. Amen; Come Lord Jesus!”

*14. About noon, he desired his window might be set open, that he might behold the brightness of the day: which being done, he cried out, “O bright day of eternity! How this sun-shine chears me! Helping me to meditate on that day, which shall never have night!”

*15. The more his sickness increased, the more he strove to unite himself to God by prayer, imitating his master, who in the strength of his agony, prayed the more earnestly. And when the violence of his disease so opprest him, that he had need of greater straining, to keep his mind fixed upon God, he cried out,

“Courage, courage! Eternity is at hand!”

16. Many such speeches he uttered with incredible fervor, tho’ he could not pronounce them distinctly, by reason of the extreme dryness of his throat, occasioned by the fever. At last, stopping his speech, he fixed his eyes stedfastly on heaven, for a quarter of an hour together, with a smiling look, and full of reverence, as if he saw some extraordinary sight. After which gathering all his strength, he sat up in his bed, took off his cap, and holding it in his hand, said, (with words half stifled in his throat, as well by the ardor of his spirit, as the weakness of his body)

“I adore you, I adore you.”

17. The curate having used the service of the church, to which he attended with great devotion, answering to every prayer, asked him, if he would not give a blessing to his children? Heanswered, “How so, good Sir, shall I presume to give a blessing in your presence? I should be happy to receive one from you.” But being urged thereto, and told the church allowed it, he lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, saying,

“May it please God to bless you and to preserve you by his grace from the malignity of the world, that you may have no part therein! And above all, my children, may you live in the fear and love of God, and yield due obedience to your mother!”

18. OnSaturday, about half an hour past ten in the forenoon,♦being just recovered out of a violent convulsion, looking attentively on those that were present, he made signs with his hands, head, and eyes, with a pleasant countenance, for an intimate friend to come near him. Which being done, he said,

♦“been” replaced with “being”

“Sir, I have one word to say to you before I die:” (then pausing a little to recover his strength, he testified his affection to him, but in words that could not distinctly be understood. At length raising his voice, and speaking more articulately, he went on) “The perfection of a Christian life, is to be united to God by faith. Let us not entangle ourselves in novelties. Let us adore his conduct over us, and continue faithful to him unto the end. Let us adhere to that one God, crucified for our salvation. Let us unite all ouractions, and all that is in us to his merits; hoping that if we continue faithful to him by his grace, we shall be partakers of the glory of his Father. I hope we shall there see one another one day, which shall never have an end.”

19. Some time after, fixing his eyes upon heaven, he said, “The holy Jesus, where is he?” They brought him his picture, which he affectionately kissed. Then turning himself he presently entered his last agony; which held about a quarter of an hour, the greatest part of which he spent in pronouncing the name of Jesus; making as well as he could, acts of resignation, and commending his spirit to God: After which he expired sweetly, and his holy soul departed to its place of rest.

20. Thus lived and diedM.de Renty, one of the most glorious lights God hath bestowed upon his church in our age. He died atParis, in the37thyear of his age, the24thofApril1649, about noon. We have great reason to admire the secret counsels of God, in taking out of the world, in the flower of his age, a man so qualified to advance the honour of God, and the good of his neighbour. But when we say, it was the hand of God, all things are therein concluded. Hereby he is pleased to let us know, that he hath no need of us for the advancing his glory; and that when he does use us as instruments therein, we ought to behave withall humility in his presence. He hath translated him to another place, where he glorifies his majesty with greater perfection; and where he waits for us to glorify and love, together with him, God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, to all eternity!Amen!

AnEXTRACTfrom theLIFEandDEATHofTHOMAS WALSH.THE INTRODUCTION.THE exceeding riches of the grace of God our Saviour, and the effectual working of his mighty power, have in all ages shone most conspicuously in the holy lives and exemplary conversation of his eminent servants,the excellent of the earth, with whom are his peculiar delights.And although, strictly speaking, He only iswiseandgood, nevertheless, there is a sense in which goodness is with propriety ascribed both to angels and to men. This consists in their resemblance of him who is the source and model of all goodness, holiness, and perfection; as proceeding from his fulness, whence life and blessedness flow to every creature, whether in heaven or in earth.Of this kind the scriptures furnish us with several examples,Abraham,Enoch,Noah,DanielandJob, (beside many others) are described in the Old Testament, as men walking before God, and perfect in their generation. And the eleventh chapter to theHebrewscontains little else than an account of ancient worthies, eminently remarkable for their faith, sufferings, patience, and glorious end; who considering themselves as strangers and pilgrims in this world, soughta city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker isGod. And God, saith the apostle,hath provided some better things for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.The time would fail to mention particularly the names of all the eminently faithful, who have lived and adorned their profession, since life and immortality have been brought to light by the gospel. They are an innumerable company. It is enough for us to know, that ifany one lovethGod,the same is known of him. Theirnames are written in the Lamb’s book of life, and shall at last be numbered amongst his jewels.When names, and sects, and parties fall,And thou, O Christ, art all in all!Among the number of persons eminent for their usefulness and personal holiness, which the present generation has produced, he, a part of whose life is here related, may justly be consideredas one; and his example is one, which in some respects may be said to have its peculiar excellencies.A circumstantial detail of such things as often find a place in this kind of writings, namely, family, childhood, education, stature, complexion, and a variety of common occurrences, is judged, as well tedious as foreign to the design of the work, which is to represent, principally what passed between God and his soul in the progress of his conversation and daily walking with God.And yet neither is intelligence of this sort wholly omitted; he has left a few particulars relative thereto, which will enable the reader to form some idea, as well of the former as latter part of his pilgrimage.His prayer was, ‘That this little book (meaning what is here called thefirst part, great part of which he wrote himself) may be made a blessing to all who shall read it; that the Lord Jesus may make it a means of kindling holy desire in their souls, and of stirring them up to the fear and love of God.’

THE exceeding riches of the grace of God our Saviour, and the effectual working of his mighty power, have in all ages shone most conspicuously in the holy lives and exemplary conversation of his eminent servants,the excellent of the earth, with whom are his peculiar delights.

And although, strictly speaking, He only iswiseandgood, nevertheless, there is a sense in which goodness is with propriety ascribed both to angels and to men. This consists in their resemblance of him who is the source and model of all goodness, holiness, and perfection; as proceeding from his fulness, whence life and blessedness flow to every creature, whether in heaven or in earth.

Of this kind the scriptures furnish us with several examples,Abraham,Enoch,Noah,DanielandJob, (beside many others) are described in the Old Testament, as men walking before God, and perfect in their generation. And the eleventh chapter to theHebrewscontains little else than an account of ancient worthies, eminently remarkable for their faith, sufferings, patience, and glorious end; who considering themselves as strangers and pilgrims in this world, soughta city which hath foundations, whose builder and maker isGod. And God, saith the apostle,hath provided some better things for us, that they without us should not be made perfect.

The time would fail to mention particularly the names of all the eminently faithful, who have lived and adorned their profession, since life and immortality have been brought to light by the gospel. They are an innumerable company. It is enough for us to know, that ifany one lovethGod,the same is known of him. Theirnames are written in the Lamb’s book of life, and shall at last be numbered amongst his jewels.

When names, and sects, and parties fall,And thou, O Christ, art all in all!

When names, and sects, and parties fall,

And thou, O Christ, art all in all!

Among the number of persons eminent for their usefulness and personal holiness, which the present generation has produced, he, a part of whose life is here related, may justly be consideredas one; and his example is one, which in some respects may be said to have its peculiar excellencies.

A circumstantial detail of such things as often find a place in this kind of writings, namely, family, childhood, education, stature, complexion, and a variety of common occurrences, is judged, as well tedious as foreign to the design of the work, which is to represent, principally what passed between God and his soul in the progress of his conversation and daily walking with God.

And yet neither is intelligence of this sort wholly omitted; he has left a few particulars relative thereto, which will enable the reader to form some idea, as well of the former as latter part of his pilgrimage.

His prayer was, ‘That this little book (meaning what is here called thefirst part, great part of which he wrote himself) may be made a blessing to all who shall read it; that the Lord Jesus may make it a means of kindling holy desire in their souls, and of stirring them up to the fear and love of God.’

PARTtheFIRST.CHAPTERI.Of his birth and education.THOMAS WALSH, was born in the year of our Lord 1730, at a place calledBally Linn, in the county, and within about ten miles of the city ofLimerickinIreland. His father,Edmund Walsh, was by occupation a carpenter, a man of tolerable education, and strong natural understanding. His mother’s name wasHelena Nougham, born of reputable parents. They were both members of, and entirely biggotted to the church ofRome.When about eight years old, he was put to school to learn English (his mother tongue wasIrish.) Afterwards he went to school to one of his brothers (of whom he had several) by whom he was initiated into theLatintongue. Having acquired its rudiments in some tolerable degree, he went afterwards into the neighbouring county ofClare, with a design to be put apprentice, his friends intending him to be of his father’s trade.But God in his adorable providence and unsearchable wisdom, had, as the event shewed, other designs concerning him. Disappointed thereforein this he returned to school, and proceeded in his pursuit of learning; applying himself at present to the study ofLatin, which he had but lately intermitted.After he had made some considerable progress in this, he applied himself to the study of some parts of themathematicks, for which he thought he had a better genius than for languages. He soon acquired the knowledge of arithmetic, both vulgar and decimal, measuring superficies and solids,&c.And afterwards went to the city ofLimerickin order to perfect himself in writing.And now having continued at school till about the nineteenth year of his age, and having acquired such branches of literature as fitted him for being useful to others in the same way: he quitted school, and set up one for himself, wanting neither scholars nor ability to instruct them, which he did with success, during the time he continued his school.

PARTtheFIRST.

Of his birth and education.

THOMAS WALSH, was born in the year of our Lord 1730, at a place calledBally Linn, in the county, and within about ten miles of the city ofLimerickinIreland. His father,Edmund Walsh, was by occupation a carpenter, a man of tolerable education, and strong natural understanding. His mother’s name wasHelena Nougham, born of reputable parents. They were both members of, and entirely biggotted to the church ofRome.

When about eight years old, he was put to school to learn English (his mother tongue wasIrish.) Afterwards he went to school to one of his brothers (of whom he had several) by whom he was initiated into theLatintongue. Having acquired its rudiments in some tolerable degree, he went afterwards into the neighbouring county ofClare, with a design to be put apprentice, his friends intending him to be of his father’s trade.

But God in his adorable providence and unsearchable wisdom, had, as the event shewed, other designs concerning him. Disappointed thereforein this he returned to school, and proceeded in his pursuit of learning; applying himself at present to the study ofLatin, which he had but lately intermitted.

After he had made some considerable progress in this, he applied himself to the study of some parts of themathematicks, for which he thought he had a better genius than for languages. He soon acquired the knowledge of arithmetic, both vulgar and decimal, measuring superficies and solids,&c.And afterwards went to the city ofLimerickin order to perfect himself in writing.

And now having continued at school till about the nineteenth year of his age, and having acquired such branches of literature as fitted him for being useful to others in the same way: he quitted school, and set up one for himself, wanting neither scholars nor ability to instruct them, which he did with success, during the time he continued his school.

CHAPTERII.Of his religion, and the struggle which he found between nature and grace, till the sixteenth year of his age.HIS parents (being as has been observed) members of, and strongly attached to thechurch ofRome, brought him up in the same principles and communion, and took care that his mind should be early furnished with the first and fundamental parts of what they judged his duty towards God.“When (says he) I was young I learned the Lord’s prayer, andAve Maria, inIrish, together with the hundred and thirtieth psalm inLatin; with the Popish augmentation thereto. And now I began to imbibe that uncharitable, anti-scriptural opinion, that all dissenters from the church ofRomewere heretics, and in a state of damnation. But, since the Lord hath enlightened my understanding, I am fully convinced that therein I greatly erred,not knowing the scriptures, neither the power of God.“I cannot but lament the case of those parents, who alas! not knowing what they do, endeavour to instill into the minds of their children such pernicious principles: and I do earnestly intreat all children, as soon as they come to years of discretion, to examine, and judge for themselves.”It pleased our Lord to work in his heart very early. He made him bear the yoke in his youth, and by his terrors restrained him from excess, and the great offence. “Even while I was young and ignorant (says he) God was striving with me, and often terrified my heart: especially whenever I thought of the day of judgment, and of eternity!“At those times especially, I frequently repeated the prayers I had learnt. But alas! to how little purpose? While I prayed neither with the spirit, nor with understanding. My heart was hard and stubborn, and my understanding was blind and foolish. I had no just conception either of God, or of religion. Nay, so great was my ignorance, that when I named our Saviour inIrish, I thought the name belonged to some woman in heaven.“While I was thus foolish, and blind (even as a beast before thee!) my fallen nature began powerfully to discover itself. The seed of the serpent working in my heart, broke forth in words and in deeds. Now pride, anger, and self-will especially, reigned over me. But alas! I then little knew that those accursed tempers proceeded from that source of universal disorder, and all human miseries,original sin. I believed that this had brought temporal death into the world, and great disorder into the whole state of the visible creation: but of its subjecting the soul to spiritual, and exposing it to eternal death, I had no apprehension. I had, it is true, conviction whenever I did amiss; told a lie, or fell into any other outward sin. But the Spirit of God, and the holy scriptures alone, I now plainly see, could convince me that my tempers deserved the damnation of hell. And hitherto I was ignorant of both.“When I was about eight years old, I began to love play, and divers other silly pleasures, spending the time I was out of school in catching of birds, playing at ball, and the like. My fondness for these occasioned my frequently breaking the sabbath, which I usually spent either in these vain amusements, or in reading some profane history, or other unprofitable book; and indeed no one so much as told me, that these kinds of employments were any violation of the Lord’s day: my parents, like the rest of their neighbours, esteeming them innocent diversions, harmless amusements.“I did not then know that I ought not on this dayto do mine own pleasure, to speak mine own words, or think my own thoughts; that I ought to spend it wholly in glorifying God, by praying to him, hearing his word, and reading and meditating therein;calling the sabbath a delight, the holy of the Lord, honourable.¹O the curse of ignorance and evil example! How many souls do these lead into the broad way of destruction! How happy would it have been for my poor soul, if I had known andremembered my Creator in the days of my youth! Had I beenbrought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; had Iknown the scriptures from my childhood!²How would it have contributed to prevent my wrong conceptions, and to regulate, at least, in some measure, my whole conduct.¹Isaiahlvii.13.²Ecclesiastesxii.1. Ephesiansvi.4. 2 Timothyiii.15.“From the tenth to the fourteenth year of my age, my corruptions increased, took deeper root, and more visibly appeared in my whole conversation: and yet I was more regular and conscientious in discharging my duty towards God. (So I was taught to call a dull form of words, part of which only were addressed to God, and the greatest part to saints and angels.) My parents according to custom brought me at the usual times to the priest, who examined me concerning thePater Noster,Ave Maria, andcredo in Deum, with some other rites of the church ofRome. But alas! to how little purpose? It made me neither wiser, nor better. Some part, it is true, of what he taught me, was according to the word of God; but the greater part entirely repugnant thereto, and to all truth and righteousness. But I knew not then how to distinguish between the truths of God, and the traditions of men, having had no knowledge ofthe law and the testimony, the only infallible touchstone of doctrine and practice. He might therefore have imposed whatever he pleased upon me; and the rather, as I was taught to believe whatever he said, and to consider it as coming from the mouth of God. Indeed I could not help observing even then, that several of those reverend gentlemen frequently erred in practice: tho’ still I thought they were infallible as to doctrine.“After this catechising, I became more inquisitive, and began to read books of devotion. These I found for the present had their use. Whenever I read of the passion of our Saviour; the love of God to sinners; the joys of heaven, or the miseries of the damned, my heart became deeply affected; and much desire towards God enkindled in my soul.” But alas! it soon died away again, becoming like themorning cloud. The inconstancy and corruption of his heart, easily prevailing over those divine, but transient impressions.“From the fourteenth to the sixteenth year of my age, I had more of the form, though less of the power of godliness, than even before. I now attended the public worship (that is, went to mass) and every night repeated my prayers, which were indeed no better than vain repetitions. But still, pride, anger, self-will, and revenge more powerfully prevailed over me than ever: and I added to these my former prevailing abominations, lies and evil words. Indeed I had an entire aversion to cursing and swearing in the gross sense; but abounded in petty oaths and bad wishes. Of this sort there are legions in theIrishlanguage;” perhaps more, and more wickedly expressive than in any other language. “Being at play, I remember one day, and provoked by one of my play-fellows, I swore (horror to think!) by the glorious name of Jehovah (to the best of my remembrance I never did sobefore, nor ever since). In that instant I felt I had grievously sinned against God, and deserved his wrath and heavy displeasure.”“To the rest of my evils I joined disobedience to my parents. Indeed I dared not shew it outwardly, to my father especially, whom I so dreaded as often to tremble for fear of him. But my heart was hard and stubborn.” One instance of this he mentions which wrought him many a bitter reflection afterwards; for years he hardly ever thought of it without being deeply affected with shame and sorrow. Having one day thro’ his stubbornness greatly provoked his mother, and given her a wicked and impertinent answer, she said to him “You have grieved me.” “It went like an arrow through my heart. I knew the fifth commandment (the fourth indeed I then called it according to the custom of the church ofRome) strictly forbids disobedience to parents, and that to honour them, isthe first commandment with promise. Justly therefore was I condemned. But, O God! How little is it to be wondered at, that I did not rightly love, neither was obedient to my earthly parents, while I knew neither love, nor obedience towards thee, my Father, who art in heaven? Well do I know now (and praised be thy love for this knowledge) that such as are froward towards thee, will, while they remain so, never be truly a comfort to their parents.” They may indeed, pay an outward compliance, and a seemingly dutiful subjection, as is oftenseen even among professed worldlings; but cordially and disinterestedly to love, honour and reverence our parents, can only be the effect of subjection in heart and life to theFather of spirits. So universally true is it, that “A foe to God, was ne’ertruefriend to man.”

Of his religion, and the struggle which he found between nature and grace, till the sixteenth year of his age.

HIS parents (being as has been observed) members of, and strongly attached to thechurch ofRome, brought him up in the same principles and communion, and took care that his mind should be early furnished with the first and fundamental parts of what they judged his duty towards God.

“When (says he) I was young I learned the Lord’s prayer, andAve Maria, inIrish, together with the hundred and thirtieth psalm inLatin; with the Popish augmentation thereto. And now I began to imbibe that uncharitable, anti-scriptural opinion, that all dissenters from the church ofRomewere heretics, and in a state of damnation. But, since the Lord hath enlightened my understanding, I am fully convinced that therein I greatly erred,not knowing the scriptures, neither the power of God.

“I cannot but lament the case of those parents, who alas! not knowing what they do, endeavour to instill into the minds of their children such pernicious principles: and I do earnestly intreat all children, as soon as they come to years of discretion, to examine, and judge for themselves.”

It pleased our Lord to work in his heart very early. He made him bear the yoke in his youth, and by his terrors restrained him from excess, and the great offence. “Even while I was young and ignorant (says he) God was striving with me, and often terrified my heart: especially whenever I thought of the day of judgment, and of eternity!

“At those times especially, I frequently repeated the prayers I had learnt. But alas! to how little purpose? While I prayed neither with the spirit, nor with understanding. My heart was hard and stubborn, and my understanding was blind and foolish. I had no just conception either of God, or of religion. Nay, so great was my ignorance, that when I named our Saviour inIrish, I thought the name belonged to some woman in heaven.

“While I was thus foolish, and blind (even as a beast before thee!) my fallen nature began powerfully to discover itself. The seed of the serpent working in my heart, broke forth in words and in deeds. Now pride, anger, and self-will especially, reigned over me. But alas! I then little knew that those accursed tempers proceeded from that source of universal disorder, and all human miseries,original sin. I believed that this had brought temporal death into the world, and great disorder into the whole state of the visible creation: but of its subjecting the soul to spiritual, and exposing it to eternal death, I had no apprehension. I had, it is true, conviction whenever I did amiss; told a lie, or fell into any other outward sin. But the Spirit of God, and the holy scriptures alone, I now plainly see, could convince me that my tempers deserved the damnation of hell. And hitherto I was ignorant of both.

“When I was about eight years old, I began to love play, and divers other silly pleasures, spending the time I was out of school in catching of birds, playing at ball, and the like. My fondness for these occasioned my frequently breaking the sabbath, which I usually spent either in these vain amusements, or in reading some profane history, or other unprofitable book; and indeed no one so much as told me, that these kinds of employments were any violation of the Lord’s day: my parents, like the rest of their neighbours, esteeming them innocent diversions, harmless amusements.

“I did not then know that I ought not on this dayto do mine own pleasure, to speak mine own words, or think my own thoughts; that I ought to spend it wholly in glorifying God, by praying to him, hearing his word, and reading and meditating therein;calling the sabbath a delight, the holy of the Lord, honourable.¹O the curse of ignorance and evil example! How many souls do these lead into the broad way of destruction! How happy would it have been for my poor soul, if I had known andremembered my Creator in the days of my youth! Had I beenbrought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; had Iknown the scriptures from my childhood!²How would it have contributed to prevent my wrong conceptions, and to regulate, at least, in some measure, my whole conduct.

¹Isaiahlvii.13.²Ecclesiastesxii.1. Ephesiansvi.4. 2 Timothyiii.15.

¹Isaiahlvii.13.

²Ecclesiastesxii.1. Ephesiansvi.4. 2 Timothyiii.15.

“From the tenth to the fourteenth year of my age, my corruptions increased, took deeper root, and more visibly appeared in my whole conversation: and yet I was more regular and conscientious in discharging my duty towards God. (So I was taught to call a dull form of words, part of which only were addressed to God, and the greatest part to saints and angels.) My parents according to custom brought me at the usual times to the priest, who examined me concerning thePater Noster,Ave Maria, andcredo in Deum, with some other rites of the church ofRome. But alas! to how little purpose? It made me neither wiser, nor better. Some part, it is true, of what he taught me, was according to the word of God; but the greater part entirely repugnant thereto, and to all truth and righteousness. But I knew not then how to distinguish between the truths of God, and the traditions of men, having had no knowledge ofthe law and the testimony, the only infallible touchstone of doctrine and practice. He might therefore have imposed whatever he pleased upon me; and the rather, as I was taught to believe whatever he said, and to consider it as coming from the mouth of God. Indeed I could not help observing even then, that several of those reverend gentlemen frequently erred in practice: tho’ still I thought they were infallible as to doctrine.

“After this catechising, I became more inquisitive, and began to read books of devotion. These I found for the present had their use. Whenever I read of the passion of our Saviour; the love of God to sinners; the joys of heaven, or the miseries of the damned, my heart became deeply affected; and much desire towards God enkindled in my soul.” But alas! it soon died away again, becoming like themorning cloud. The inconstancy and corruption of his heart, easily prevailing over those divine, but transient impressions.

“From the fourteenth to the sixteenth year of my age, I had more of the form, though less of the power of godliness, than even before. I now attended the public worship (that is, went to mass) and every night repeated my prayers, which were indeed no better than vain repetitions. But still, pride, anger, self-will, and revenge more powerfully prevailed over me than ever: and I added to these my former prevailing abominations, lies and evil words. Indeed I had an entire aversion to cursing and swearing in the gross sense; but abounded in petty oaths and bad wishes. Of this sort there are legions in theIrishlanguage;” perhaps more, and more wickedly expressive than in any other language. “Being at play, I remember one day, and provoked by one of my play-fellows, I swore (horror to think!) by the glorious name of Jehovah (to the best of my remembrance I never did sobefore, nor ever since). In that instant I felt I had grievously sinned against God, and deserved his wrath and heavy displeasure.”

“To the rest of my evils I joined disobedience to my parents. Indeed I dared not shew it outwardly, to my father especially, whom I so dreaded as often to tremble for fear of him. But my heart was hard and stubborn.” One instance of this he mentions which wrought him many a bitter reflection afterwards; for years he hardly ever thought of it without being deeply affected with shame and sorrow. Having one day thro’ his stubbornness greatly provoked his mother, and given her a wicked and impertinent answer, she said to him “You have grieved me.” “It went like an arrow through my heart. I knew the fifth commandment (the fourth indeed I then called it according to the custom of the church ofRome) strictly forbids disobedience to parents, and that to honour them, isthe first commandment with promise. Justly therefore was I condemned. But, O God! How little is it to be wondered at, that I did not rightly love, neither was obedient to my earthly parents, while I knew neither love, nor obedience towards thee, my Father, who art in heaven? Well do I know now (and praised be thy love for this knowledge) that such as are froward towards thee, will, while they remain so, never be truly a comfort to their parents.” They may indeed, pay an outward compliance, and a seemingly dutiful subjection, as is oftenseen even among professed worldlings; but cordially and disinterestedly to love, honour and reverence our parents, can only be the effect of subjection in heart and life to theFather of spirits. So universally true is it, that “A foe to God, was ne’ertruefriend to man.”

CHAPTERIII.Giving a farther account of him; the corruptions he struggled against, and the means he made use of to subdue them, from the sixteenth to the eighteenth year of his age.NOW, both his sins and convictions daily encreased upon him. The desire of the flesh in particular raged in his nature, and it wanted not its frequent and prevalent incitements. Now likewise he began to assume the man, and kept more company than before, which not a little inflamed his besetting sin. Temptations from without were multiplied, and there wanted not opportunities and solicitations from the devil and nature to defile himself before the Lord. But still the preventing grace of God restrained him from sinning against him, in the actual transgression. This indeed, tho’ it did not, could not, exempt from guilt, fear and shame,considering the purity of the gospel law, nevertheless became justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. “I do (says he) praise God unfeignedly, for with-holding me from my own actual wickedness, and preventing my leading others into the cursed and detestable abomination. But I abhor and condemn myself for the concupiscence and wickedness of my heart, which (with grief and horror God knoweth I speak it!) discovered itself in other respects, such as it is a shame even to mention. Of this no human eye could be a witness.” But God, his holy angels, and his own conscience were more than ten thousand witnesses against him.And now, at length, his life became a burden to him, almost insupportable. His true character at this time was,O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me!He felt “indwelling sin, indwelling hell,” and breathed in many a groan,O what is life without my God?A burden more than I can bear.I struggle to throw of my load,Me from myself I strive to tear!“The Spirit of God (says he) deeply wounded me.The arrows of the almightystuck fast in me, and my very bones trembled because of my sin. I was persuaded in my heart that this commotion was conviction for my sin; but had littleconception that the Holy Spirit was the chief agent in the work: for alas! So great was my ignorance that I did not know there wasany Holy Ghostformeto receive.”“While I was thus in the midst of my extremity, Iconfessedto the priest according to the custom of the church ofRome. He advised me to say many prayers (as he termed counting my beads) but alas! This did not do: and indeed how should it? I was brought into captivity through the power ofsin which reigned in my members. And even my multiplied prayers could be little else than an abomination to the Lord, while neither the form, nor the matter of them was according to the will of God. Many of them being little else than vain repetitions, and babblings to physicians of no value, in this respect; which therefore left me under the power ofsin and death.”Indeed how else should it be? While he was yet unthought of; at least unapplied to, who alone could help him; even Jesus, whose name is salvation: and beside which, in heaven or in earth, there is none other, by which a sinner can be saved. He it is that invites, and he only can, and doth, give thewearyand theheavy laden, to find rest to their souls, and who at length did “allay his fever of desire, by sprinkling him with his blood.”Hearing the priest preach one Lord’s day, and declaim vehemently against a variety of gross sins, the discourse, tho’ (as his words are) “mixedwith many falsities,” so deeply affected him, that in the anguish of his spirit, he resolved never more to return to house or home, till God should shew him mercy. This precipitate and unadvised resolution was however of short continuance. In fact, the commotion and disordered state of his soul ill admitted of any thing uniformly steady whether right or wrong, either by purpose or in practice: it therefore soon vanished away, and he again sought by various ways to procure some alleviation of his distress.“I strove (says he) to divert myself in the best manner I could, seeking rest and peace in the miserable comforts of this world. But my conscience was still restless, and a hell opened in my breast. Not knowing what to do, nor which way to turn for rest, I at length attempted to quiet the clamours of my troubled mind, by solemnly resolving how soberly, righteously, and godly I would live the residue of my life. Full of these good purposes, and strengthened as I thought by vows and promises, I hoped all would be well; having all this while no idea of the satisfaction by Christ and the all-sufficiency♦of his merits; and therefore, resolving only in my own strength, my resolutions proved as broken cisterns, which could hold no comfort; and as broken reeds, which afforded no strength!”♦duplicate word “of” removedStruggling on still in the dark, he added fasting to his prayers and resolutions. But all this did not do. He still found himself bound as inaffliction and iron. He remained in sore bondage, doing the evil he would not, and not doing the good, which he would have done, (Romans♦vii.) His convictions became still sharper and his fear of hell more deeply distressing. Endeavouring therefore by some means or other to procure rest for his soul, he had recourse to his former shifts, and says, “I repeated my resolutions and vows against sin; but especially whenever I fell into any outward wickedness; and above all, thesin that did so easily beset me. Then I was as on the rack, and thro’ extremity of anguish, have frequently struck myself against the ground, tearing the hairs from off my head.”♦“7” replaced with “vii” for consistencyHis light began now to encrease with his painful feeling. “About this time (says he) by reading, and the help of the holy Spirit, I began to have a still clearer notion concerning the nature and consequences of sin, and particularly of those which by the church ofRomeare termed mortal sins.”This increase of knowledge did not however mend, much less heal his heart. No,The sudden ray of heavenly light,Which dimly dawned upon his night,But made his darkness visible,And left him to a deeper hell.And even in this respect he found it true, thathe that encreaseth knowledge, encreaseth sorrow; a proposition which is universally true, with respect to all the pursuits of the soul after happiness: the knowledge of Jesus Christ,and him crucified, alone excepted. Struggling therefore in his chains, he resolved upon other measures. And finding that his prayers, tears, resolutions, and vows did not avail, he devised another expedient, and came to this determination, solemnly to swear to the Lord, imagining that then it would not be possible that he should break with him afterwards, has had been the case, with all his former efforts.Accordingly he bound himself by an oath, that for the time to come he would abstain from, and utterly renounce all those sins which had wrought him so much uneasiness. This procedure begot in him for the present, rather some cessation from torment, than true peace, and left him for a while in deep security. But alas! It was not long ere he found this band likewise was altogether weak as the staff of a broken reed. He fell into one of those very sins, against the commission of which he had so sacredly bound himself; involving by this means his enlightened conscience in the additional guilt of (what he called) perjury, and thus rendered his anxiety and embarrassment great beyond description.Who can conceive what his weary spirit now experienced! His wretchedness and confusion exceeded all the powers of words to express.Yea, he gave up hope; and became well nigh desperate. He knew not whither to betake himself, or what should be his next step; reasoning thus with himself in the bitterness of his soul, “Since I have perjured myself in one instance, I may as well commit all my old sins over again. Thus (adds he) I was driven by the devil, allured by sin and corruption, and deceived by my own evil heart.”About this time likewise, it pleased our Lord to visit him with a fit of illness, by which his fears and misery were considerably increased. He often bewailed himself in the uttermost anguish of spirit, with weeping and lamentation, breathing out his soul in moans. “O the guilt of sin; when charged home upon the conscience by the Spirit of God, what an intolerable load!A wounded spirit who can bear!”Thus,being ignorant of God’s righteousness; the way of becoming righteous, or justified, which he hath appointed, he wentabout to establishhisown righteousness, expecting to be justifiedby the works of the law, and notby the faith of Jesus Christ.He becamewearied in the multitudeof hiscounsels, and seeking not in God’s way it fared with him accordingly. For still, although he soughtfor rest, he found it not, because he sought it not aright. These were indeed the days of his invincible ignorance, at which therefore the God of love graciously winked. Heknewnot, because as yet he had no one toteachhim. “How (as he says) could I do otherwise? I had not the bible to instruct me; for I never had read it, except a little at school, when I was about eleven years old. Woe to you (he adds) ye blind guides (meaning theRomishclergy) ye have taken away the key of knowledge, that is, the word of God from the people. It is this which unfolds the hidden treasures of his will, and free grace towards mankind. While therefore I remained ignorant of this, no wonder that I went on in error, and foughtas one that beateth the air.”But now the true teacher began more powerfully to manifest himself to him, although as yet he knew him not.The spirit of truth proceeding from the Father and the Son, wrought in him daily, a still deeper solicitude about his salvation. Among others of his reflections in reference thereto, he began to think more seriously than ever, of the doctrine of the church ofRome, and of his own connexions with her; resolving that whatever might be the consequence, he would, both do, and avoid, whatever appeared to him, nay in any measure contribute to the true life of his soul. Thus, hitherto“Drawn by a secret power he flew,Nor stay’d to prop the papal throne,The truth determined to pursue,And panting for a God unknown;By works of legal righteousness,He blindly sought the grace t’obtain,But could not find the paths of peace,But labour’d thro’ the fire in vain.”

Giving a farther account of him; the corruptions he struggled against, and the means he made use of to subdue them, from the sixteenth to the eighteenth year of his age.

NOW, both his sins and convictions daily encreased upon him. The desire of the flesh in particular raged in his nature, and it wanted not its frequent and prevalent incitements. Now likewise he began to assume the man, and kept more company than before, which not a little inflamed his besetting sin. Temptations from without were multiplied, and there wanted not opportunities and solicitations from the devil and nature to defile himself before the Lord. But still the preventing grace of God restrained him from sinning against him, in the actual transgression. This indeed, tho’ it did not, could not, exempt from guilt, fear and shame,considering the purity of the gospel law, nevertheless became justly matter of his thanksgiving to God. “I do (says he) praise God unfeignedly, for with-holding me from my own actual wickedness, and preventing my leading others into the cursed and detestable abomination. But I abhor and condemn myself for the concupiscence and wickedness of my heart, which (with grief and horror God knoweth I speak it!) discovered itself in other respects, such as it is a shame even to mention. Of this no human eye could be a witness.” But God, his holy angels, and his own conscience were more than ten thousand witnesses against him.

And now, at length, his life became a burden to him, almost insupportable. His true character at this time was,O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me!He felt “indwelling sin, indwelling hell,” and breathed in many a groan,

O what is life without my God?A burden more than I can bear.I struggle to throw of my load,Me from myself I strive to tear!

O what is life without my God?

A burden more than I can bear.

I struggle to throw of my load,

Me from myself I strive to tear!

“The Spirit of God (says he) deeply wounded me.The arrows of the almightystuck fast in me, and my very bones trembled because of my sin. I was persuaded in my heart that this commotion was conviction for my sin; but had littleconception that the Holy Spirit was the chief agent in the work: for alas! So great was my ignorance that I did not know there wasany Holy Ghostformeto receive.”

“While I was thus in the midst of my extremity, Iconfessedto the priest according to the custom of the church ofRome. He advised me to say many prayers (as he termed counting my beads) but alas! This did not do: and indeed how should it? I was brought into captivity through the power ofsin which reigned in my members. And even my multiplied prayers could be little else than an abomination to the Lord, while neither the form, nor the matter of them was according to the will of God. Many of them being little else than vain repetitions, and babblings to physicians of no value, in this respect; which therefore left me under the power ofsin and death.”

Indeed how else should it be? While he was yet unthought of; at least unapplied to, who alone could help him; even Jesus, whose name is salvation: and beside which, in heaven or in earth, there is none other, by which a sinner can be saved. He it is that invites, and he only can, and doth, give thewearyand theheavy laden, to find rest to their souls, and who at length did “allay his fever of desire, by sprinkling him with his blood.”

Hearing the priest preach one Lord’s day, and declaim vehemently against a variety of gross sins, the discourse, tho’ (as his words are) “mixedwith many falsities,” so deeply affected him, that in the anguish of his spirit, he resolved never more to return to house or home, till God should shew him mercy. This precipitate and unadvised resolution was however of short continuance. In fact, the commotion and disordered state of his soul ill admitted of any thing uniformly steady whether right or wrong, either by purpose or in practice: it therefore soon vanished away, and he again sought by various ways to procure some alleviation of his distress.

“I strove (says he) to divert myself in the best manner I could, seeking rest and peace in the miserable comforts of this world. But my conscience was still restless, and a hell opened in my breast. Not knowing what to do, nor which way to turn for rest, I at length attempted to quiet the clamours of my troubled mind, by solemnly resolving how soberly, righteously, and godly I would live the residue of my life. Full of these good purposes, and strengthened as I thought by vows and promises, I hoped all would be well; having all this while no idea of the satisfaction by Christ and the all-sufficiency♦of his merits; and therefore, resolving only in my own strength, my resolutions proved as broken cisterns, which could hold no comfort; and as broken reeds, which afforded no strength!”

♦duplicate word “of” removed

Struggling on still in the dark, he added fasting to his prayers and resolutions. But all this did not do. He still found himself bound as inaffliction and iron. He remained in sore bondage, doing the evil he would not, and not doing the good, which he would have done, (Romans♦vii.) His convictions became still sharper and his fear of hell more deeply distressing. Endeavouring therefore by some means or other to procure rest for his soul, he had recourse to his former shifts, and says, “I repeated my resolutions and vows against sin; but especially whenever I fell into any outward wickedness; and above all, thesin that did so easily beset me. Then I was as on the rack, and thro’ extremity of anguish, have frequently struck myself against the ground, tearing the hairs from off my head.”

♦“7” replaced with “vii” for consistency

His light began now to encrease with his painful feeling. “About this time (says he) by reading, and the help of the holy Spirit, I began to have a still clearer notion concerning the nature and consequences of sin, and particularly of those which by the church ofRomeare termed mortal sins.”

This increase of knowledge did not however mend, much less heal his heart. No,

The sudden ray of heavenly light,Which dimly dawned upon his night,But made his darkness visible,And left him to a deeper hell.

The sudden ray of heavenly light,

Which dimly dawned upon his night,

But made his darkness visible,

And left him to a deeper hell.

And even in this respect he found it true, thathe that encreaseth knowledge, encreaseth sorrow; a proposition which is universally true, with respect to all the pursuits of the soul after happiness: the knowledge of Jesus Christ,and him crucified, alone excepted. Struggling therefore in his chains, he resolved upon other measures. And finding that his prayers, tears, resolutions, and vows did not avail, he devised another expedient, and came to this determination, solemnly to swear to the Lord, imagining that then it would not be possible that he should break with him afterwards, has had been the case, with all his former efforts.

Accordingly he bound himself by an oath, that for the time to come he would abstain from, and utterly renounce all those sins which had wrought him so much uneasiness. This procedure begot in him for the present, rather some cessation from torment, than true peace, and left him for a while in deep security. But alas! It was not long ere he found this band likewise was altogether weak as the staff of a broken reed. He fell into one of those very sins, against the commission of which he had so sacredly bound himself; involving by this means his enlightened conscience in the additional guilt of (what he called) perjury, and thus rendered his anxiety and embarrassment great beyond description.

Who can conceive what his weary spirit now experienced! His wretchedness and confusion exceeded all the powers of words to express.

Yea, he gave up hope; and became well nigh desperate. He knew not whither to betake himself, or what should be his next step; reasoning thus with himself in the bitterness of his soul, “Since I have perjured myself in one instance, I may as well commit all my old sins over again. Thus (adds he) I was driven by the devil, allured by sin and corruption, and deceived by my own evil heart.”

About this time likewise, it pleased our Lord to visit him with a fit of illness, by which his fears and misery were considerably increased. He often bewailed himself in the uttermost anguish of spirit, with weeping and lamentation, breathing out his soul in moans. “O the guilt of sin; when charged home upon the conscience by the Spirit of God, what an intolerable load!A wounded spirit who can bear!”

Thus,being ignorant of God’s righteousness; the way of becoming righteous, or justified, which he hath appointed, he wentabout to establishhisown righteousness, expecting to be justifiedby the works of the law, and notby the faith of Jesus Christ.

He becamewearied in the multitudeof hiscounsels, and seeking not in God’s way it fared with him accordingly. For still, although he soughtfor rest, he found it not, because he sought it not aright. These were indeed the days of his invincible ignorance, at which therefore the God of love graciously winked. Heknewnot, because as yet he had no one toteachhim. “How (as he says) could I do otherwise? I had not the bible to instruct me; for I never had read it, except a little at school, when I was about eleven years old. Woe to you (he adds) ye blind guides (meaning theRomishclergy) ye have taken away the key of knowledge, that is, the word of God from the people. It is this which unfolds the hidden treasures of his will, and free grace towards mankind. While therefore I remained ignorant of this, no wonder that I went on in error, and foughtas one that beateth the air.”

But now the true teacher began more powerfully to manifest himself to him, although as yet he knew him not.The spirit of truth proceeding from the Father and the Son, wrought in him daily, a still deeper solicitude about his salvation. Among others of his reflections in reference thereto, he began to think more seriously than ever, of the doctrine of the church ofRome, and of his own connexions with her; resolving that whatever might be the consequence, he would, both do, and avoid, whatever appeared to him, nay in any measure contribute to the true life of his soul. Thus, hitherto

“Drawn by a secret power he flew,Nor stay’d to prop the papal throne,The truth determined to pursue,And panting for a God unknown;By works of legal righteousness,He blindly sought the grace t’obtain,But could not find the paths of peace,But labour’d thro’ the fire in vain.”

“Drawn by a secret power he flew,

Nor stay’d to prop the papal throne,

The truth determined to pursue,

And panting for a God unknown;

By works of legal righteousness,

He blindly sought the grace t’obtain,

But could not find the paths of peace,

But labour’d thro’ the fire in vain.”

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