PARTV.From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at Kaunaumeek, to hisOrdination.FRIDAY, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live, and I lodged on a little heap of straw. I was greatly exercised with inward distresses all day; and in the evening seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!The place was sufficiently lonesome, and unpleasant, being encompassed with mountains and woods; twenty miles distant from any English inhabitants; six or seven from any Dutch; and more than two from a family that came, from theHighlands of Scotland, and had then lived about two years in this wilderness. In this family I lodged about the space of three months, the master of it being the only person with whom I could readily converse in those parts, except my interpreter; others understanding very little English.Thursday, April 7. I appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak, helpless, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of life: I longed for death, beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “Oh, when will my turn come! Must it be years first!”—But I know those desires rose partly for want of resignation to God. Towards night, I had faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that God would keep me near him!*Friday, April 8. I was exceedingly pressed under a sense of myparty-spirit, in times past, while I attempted to promote the cause of God: its vile nature appeared in such odious colours, that my very heart was pained: I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, and was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul, “O Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.” I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of anguish and shame before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote aparty-spirit.I saw I had not duly prized mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candour, and holiness of heart and life.—Of late, I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I saw I had enough to do myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner.Lord’s-day, April 10. I preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three appeared under some concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, “her heart had cried, ever since she heard me preach first.”Wednesday, April 13. I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, ignorant creature living. And yet I knew what God had done for my soul: though sometimes I was assaulted with doubts, whether it was possible for such a wretch as I, to be in a state of grace.Tuesday, April 19. In the morning, I enjoyed sweet repose in God; felt some confidence; and was refreshed and comforted. My soul was lifted above thedeep waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned; I found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own soul, more than in the Heathen world.Wednesday, April 20. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for grace; especially that all my inward distresses might be sanctified to my soul. I endeavouredalso to remember the goodness of God to me in the year past. Having obtained help of God, I am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained, to think of my barrenness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would enable me to live to his glory for the future!*Friday, April 22. My leanness testifies against me! My soul abhors itself for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity and sluggishness. When I have done all, what an unprofitable servant am I! I groan to see the hours of the day roll away, because I do not fill them, in spirituality and heavenly-mindedness. And yet I long they should speed their pace, to hasten me to my eternal home, where I may fill up all my moments, for God and his glory.*Tuesday, May 10. I was extremely pressed with a sense of guilt, pollution, blindness; the sins of my youth were set in order before me; they went over my head a burden, too heavy for me to bear. Almost all the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt; and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner, now fill me with shame and confusion, Oh! thepride, selfishness, ignorance, bitterness, party-zeal, andthe want of love, candour, meekness, andgentleness, that have attended my attempts to promote religion; and this when I had real assistance from above, andsome sweet intercourse with heaven! But, what corrupt mixtures attended my best duties!After several weeks I found my distance from the Indians a very great disadvantage, as I was obliged to travel forward and backward almost daily on foot having no pasture in which I could keep my horse. And after all my pains, I could not be with them in the evening and morning, which were hours when they could best attend my instructions.I therefore resolved to remove, and live with or near the Indians, that I might watch when they were at home and take that time for their instruction.Accordingly I removed and for a time lived with them in one of theirwigwams: not long after I built me a small house, where I spent the remainder of that year alone; my interpreter (who was an Indian) choosing rather to live in a wigwam among his own countrymen.But although the difficulties of this solitary way of living are not the least, yet I can truly say the burden I felt respecting mygreat workamong the poor Indians, the fear and concern that continually hung upon my spirit, lest they should be prejudiced against Christianity, by means of some who (although they are calledChristians) had rather the Indians should remain heathens, that they may with more ease cheat them; the fear and concern I felt in these respects, were much more pressing to me, than all the difficulties that attended the circumstances of my living.As to thestateortemperofmind, in which I found these Indians, at my first coming amongthem, it was much more encouraging, than expected. Their prejudices against Christianity, were in a great measure removed by the long continued labours of theRev.Mr.Sergeant among a number of the same tribe, in a place more than twenty miles distant: by which means, these were in some degree, prepared to entertain the truths of Christianity instead of objecting against them as is common with them at first. Some of them appeared well disposed toward religion, and seemed pleased with my coming among them.*Wednesday, May 18. My circumstances are such that I have no comfort, of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but one single person to converse with, that can speak English.¹Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch or Indian. I have no fellow-Christian to whom I might unbosom myself, and lay open my spiritual sorrows, and with whom I might take sweet counsel about heavenly things, and join in prayer. I live poorly with regard to the comforts of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, and hasty pudding. I lodge on a bundle of straw, my labour is hard; and I have little appearance of success. The Indian affairs are very difficult; having no land to live on, but what the Dutch threaten to drive them from;they have no regard to the souls of the poor Indians; and they hate me, because I come to preach to them.——But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne, is, that “God hides his face from me.”¹This person wasMr.Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequunaunt, who had been instructed in the Christian religion byMr.Sergeant; understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.[Here he had various exercises of mind; from his first coming to Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, a little hut that he made chiefly with his own hands, with long and hard labour. How it was with him in those dark seasons he further describes in his diary for July 2.] “My soul is, and has for a long time been in a pitieous condition, wading through a series of sorrows, of various kinds. I have been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any, even the meanest of my fellow creatures, should so much as spend a thought about me, and have wished while I have travelled among the thick brakes, to drop into everlasting oblivion. In this case, I have almost resolved never again to see any of my acquaintance; and really thought, I could not be seen or heard of any more.—Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance has been a means of my great distress and anxiety. And especially my soul has been in anguish with fear, shame and guilt, that ever I had preached, or had any thought that way.——Sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling some particular corruptions: having at the same time, ten thousand former sins and follies presented to my view.——Andthese attended with such external circumstances as mine at present are; destitute of most of the conveniences of life, and I may say, of all the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may unburden my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress.”[One main occasion of that distressing gloominess, next to natural♦melancholy, was reflecting on his past errors and misguided zeal atcollege. Therefore he repeated his endeavours for reconciliation with the governors of the college. And although he had been at New-Haven, in June, and had attempted a reconciliation; yet in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt, but still in vain.]♦“melancholly” replaced with “melancholy”Saturday, July 30. Just at night, I moved intomy own house, and lodged there; and I found it much better spending the time alone at my own house, than in thewigwamwhere I was before.Wednesday, August 3. I am now uninterruptly alone; and find my retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days past, than for some time before. I longed after holiness, humility and meekness: O that God would enable me to “pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear,” and alwayslive to him!*Thursday, August 4. I have generally found the more I do in secret prayer, the more I enjoy of a spirit of prayer; and I frequently have found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise, I have been deprived of retirement. A seasonable steady performance of secret duties in their proper hours, and a careful improvement of all time, filling up every hour with some profitable labour, either of heart, head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God. “Christ” indeed “is our peace, and by him we have boldness of access to God;” but agood conscience void of offence, is an excellent preparation for an approach to the divine presence. Filling up our timewithandforGod, is the way to rise up and lie down in peace.Saturday, August 13. I was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul: I found the comfort of being a Christian: “I counted the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed to disappear, and I “remembered no more the sorrow for joy.”—With what a filial tenderness, the soul hangs on, and confides inthe Rock of ages, at such a season, that he will “never leave it nor forsake it,” that he will cause all things to work together for its good; I longed that others should know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies.I longed that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing else. I felt exceeding serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way.Monday, August 15. In my weak state of body, I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food. I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity: and then again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it. And this was my case now: but through divine goodness I had some Indianmeal, of which I made little cakes, and fried them. And I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances, as if I had been a king, and I never feel comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot be holy, I must be miserable for ever.Lord’s day, August 21. I fell down before the Lord, and groaned under my own vileness, barrenness, deadness, and felt as if I was guilty of foul murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had done.—I was very full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that I had spent so much time to so little profit.*Monday, August 22. I had intense breathingsof soul after holiness, and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to work it in myself. O, with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get a conformity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace one cubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at least groaning, that it cannot obtain purity of heart.*Tuesday, August 23. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends, and enemies. My soul was concerned for Christ’s kingdom that it might appear in the whole earth. And I abhorred the very thought of apartyin religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have the glory for ever.Wednesday, August 24. I thought, if God should say, “You shall in a few days go into eternity,” my soul would leap for joy. O that I may both “desire to be dissolved,” and “wait patiently all the days of my appointed time till my change come!”—But, alas! I am very unfit for the business and blessedness of heaven.—O for more holiness!*Thursday, August 25. I find it is impossible to enjoy peace and tranquility of mind without a careful improvement of time. This is really an imitation of God and Christ Jesus: “My father worketh hitherto, and I work,” says our Lord. And, if we would be like God, we mustsee that we fill up our time for him.—I daily long to dwell in perfect light and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns that I make so little preparation for the world of blessedness: I see and know that I am a barren tree in God’s vineyard, and that he might justly say, “Cut it down.” O that God would make me more lively and vigorous in grace, for his own glory!Lord’s-day, August 28. I was much perplexed with some Dutchmen. All their discourse turned upon the things of the world. Oh, what ahellit would be to spend an eternity with such men! Well might David say, “I beheld the transgressors and was grieved.”—But adored be God,heavenis a place “into which no unclean thing enters.” O I long for the holiness of that world! Lord prepare me for it.Wednesday, August 31. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and I longed to be in the world of spirits. O how happy is it, to have all our thoughts swallowed up in that world; to feel one’s self a stranger in this, diligently seeking a road through it, a sure road to the heavenly Jerusalem!Thursday, September 1. I always feel comfortably when God realizes death, and the things of another world to my mind: whenever my mind is taken off from the things of this world, and set on God, my soul is atrest.Tuesday, September 13. I rode to New-Haven. *I find, though my inward trials are great,and a life of solitude gives them greater advantages to penetrate the inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be alone, than incumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult maintaining a sense of divine things, while removing from place to place, diverted with new objects, and filled with care and business. A settled steady business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.Wednesday, September 14. This day I ought to have taken mydegree;¹but God sees fit to deny it me. And though I was afraid of being overwhelmed with confusion, when I should see myclass-matestake theirs; yet, in the very season of it, God enabled me with calmness to say, “The will of the Lord be done.” Indeed, I have scarcely felt my mind so sedate and comfortable for some time. I have long feared this season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience, and resignation would be tried: but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than I expected.¹This being commencement-day.Thursday, September 15. It is always a comfort to me, to hear spiritual discourse. O that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted to God!—Towards night, I offered the following reflections in writing, to the rector♦and trustees of the college, (the same that I had offered to the rector before, and intreated him toaccept;) and this I did, that if possible I might cut off all occasion of offence, from those that seek occasion.♦duplicate word “and” removed*“Whereas I have said before several persons, concerningMr.Whittelsey, one of the tutors of Yale-college, that I did not believe he had any more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess that herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injuredMr.Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning one that was so much my superior, and one that I was obliged to treat with special respect and honour, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behaviour, I confess, did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me, and did not favour of that humble respect, that I ought to have expressed towardsMr.Whittelsey. I have often reflected on this act with grief, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before God and man for it: and humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but ofMr.Whittelsey in particular. And I now appear, to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in New-Haven, though the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask therector’s forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble myself for those things I have herein confessed.”*God has made me willing to do any thing, that I can do, consistent with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling-block and offence to others. For this reason I can chearfully give up what I verily believe, after the most impartial search, is my right. God has given me that disposition, that if this were the case, that a man has done me an hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much provoked to it) have done him one, I am heartily willing humbly to confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him; though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries he has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty; yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, “he knew all this before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though what I said concerningMr.Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by him extorted from my friends;yet, seeing it was divulged and made public, I was willing to confess my fault therein publickly.¹¹I was witness to the very Christian spiritMr.Brainerd shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal acquaintance with him.) There appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by theRev.Mr.Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without success.——What manner of spirit were these governors of? Do these dare to call themselvesChristians? What is thisMr.Whittelsey? Was he worthy to carryMr.Brainerd’s books after him?[The next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury, where he spent the Sabbath.]Tuesday, September 20. I had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my Indians; but towards night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth, and shivering cold, and could not possibly recover a comfortable decree of warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all night; and in the morning had a fever, and pains almost all over my body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the place of my sickness, among my friends. I should probably have perished, if I had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, whereI have none to converse with but the poor rude ignorant Indians. I continued thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain; but not afraid of death.——On Friday evening my pains went off suddenly.[From this time, he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was able to go forward on his journey; but was till the Tuesday following before he reached Kaunaumeek.]Tuesday, October 4. This day I rode home to my own house and people. The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. I presently fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return. I have taken many considerable journeys since this time last year, and yet God has never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any calamity to befal me, though I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness, where the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been lost in the woods; and once lay out in the woods all night.Lord’s-day, October 16. I retired, and poured out my soul to God with much freedom; and yet in anguish, to find my soul so unspeakably sinful and unworthy before a holy God. I was now much resigned under God’s dispensations towards me, though my trials had been very great. But thought whether I could be resigned, if God should let the French Indians come upon me, and deprive me of my life, or carry me away captive, (though I knew of no specialreason then to propose this trial to myself,) and my soul seemed so far to rest in God, that the sting and terror of these things was gone. Presently after I received the following letter by a messenger sent on purpose.“Sir, Just now we received advices from Colonel Stoddard, that there is the utmost danger of a rupture with France. He has received the same from his excellency our governor, ordering him to give notice to all the exposed places, that they may secure themselves the best they can against any sudden invasion. We thought best to send directly to Kaunaumeek, that you may take the prudentest measures for your safety. I am, Sir,&c.”I thought, it came in a good season; for my heart seemed fixed on God, and therefore I was not surprised: but this news only made me more serious, and taught me that I must not please myself with any of the comforts of life which I had been preparing.Lord’s-day, October 23. I had some freedom and warmth, both parts of the day. And my people were very attentive. In the evening, two or three came to me under concern for their souls; to whom I was enabled to discourse closely, and with some earnestness.[He seems, through the whole of this week, to have been greatly engaged to fill up every inch of time in the service of God, and to have been most diligently employed in study, prayer,and instructing the Indians; and from time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and the advancement of his kingdom.]Monday, October 31. My soul was so lifted up to God, that I could pour out my desires to him, for more grace and further degrees of sanctification, with abundant freedom. I longed to be more abundantly prepared for that blessedness, with which I was then in some measure refreshed.Thursday, November 3. I spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, from morning till night. Early in the morning, I had some assistance in prayer. Afterwards, I read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kingsxvii. xviii. and xix.chapters. My soul was much moved, observing the faith, zeal, and power of that holy man; and how he wrestled with God in prayer. I then cried with Elisha, “Where is the Lord God of Elijah!” I longed for more faith! My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with him, that a “double portion of that spirit,” which was given to Elijah, might “rest on me.” And that which was refreshing to my soul, was, I saw God is thesamethat he was in the days of Elijah.—I was enabled to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate, humble, and importunate manner, than I have for many months past. Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform; nothing too great for me to hope for from him.—I had for many months lost all hopes of doing any special service for God in the world; it appearedentirely impossible, that one so vile should be thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased to revive this hope.—Afterwards I read the third chapter of Exodus and on to thexxth, and saw more of thegloryandmajestyofGoddiscovered in those chapters, than ever I had seen before; frequently in the mean time falling on my knees, and crying to God for the faith of Moses, and for a manifestation of thedivine glory. My soul was ardent in prayer, and I was enabled to wrestle for myself, for my friends, and for the church of God. And I felt more desire to see the power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for a long season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting and prayer! May his goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him!*Monday November 7. This morning my mind was solemn, fixed, affectionate, and ardent in desires after holiness; and felt full of tenderness and love; and my affections seemed to be dissolved into kindness and softness.—My soul longed after God, and cried to him with filial freedom, reverence, and boldness. O that I might be entirely consecrated and devoted to God!Thursday, November 10. I spent this day in fasting and prayer. In the morning I was dull and lifeless: But after some time, reading 2 Kingsxix.chapter, my soul was moved and affected. I saw there was no way for the afflictedto take, but to go to God with all their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and spread his complaint before the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty power of God, and my extreme need of that power; and to cry to God affectionately and ardently for his power to be exercised towards me.[The remaining part of this week, and the two following weeks, he was very ill, and full of pain; and yet obliged, to be at great fatigues, travelling day and night, in stormy and severe seasons. He from time to time, within this space, speaks of out-goings of soul after God; his heart strengthened in God; seasons of divine sweetness and comfort. And yet there are many complaints of lifelessness, distance from God, and unprofitableness. But still there appears a constant care, from day to day, not to lose time, but to employ it all for God.]Tuesday, November 29. I began to study the Indian tongue, withMr.Sergeant at♦Stockbridge.¹—I was perplexed for want of more retirement.—I love to live alone in my own littlecottage, where I can spend much time in prayer.♦“Stockbrige” replaced with “Stockbridge”¹The commissioners had directed him to spend much time this winter withMr.Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride, backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek. This many times exposed him to extreme hardship in that severe season.Monday, December 5. I rode to Stockbridge, but was almost outdone with the extreme cold. I had some refreshing meditations by the way; but was barren and lifeless, much of the day. Thus my days roll away, with but little done for God; and this is my burden.Tuesday, December 6. I was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of professed Christians: but I spent the evening with a Christian friend, that was able to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts.*Thursday, December 8. My mind was lost with different affections. I was looking round in the world, to see if there was not some happiness to be derived from it. God, and some objects in the world seemed each to invite my heart, and my soul seemed to be distracted between them. I have not been so beset for a long time: with relation to some objects which I thought myself most dead to. But while I was desiring to please myself with any thing below, sorrow and perplexity attended the first motions of desire.—I found no peace or deliverance from distraction, till I found access to the throne of grace; and as soon as I had any sense of God, the allurements of the world vanished. But my soul mourned over my folly, that I should desire any pleasure, but in God. God forgive my spiritual idolatry.Thursday, December 22. I spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading in God’s wordthe exercises and deliverance of his children. I had realizing apprehensions of divine power, grace, and holiness; and also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is the same as he was when he delivered his saints of old out of tribulation. My soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for God’s church and people. O that Zion might become the “joy of the whole earth!”Monday, December 26. I rode down to Stockbridge, but was very much fatigued with my journey, wherein I underwent great hardship: being very wet by falling into a river. I spent the day without much sense of divine things; but perplexed with wandering thoughts.Thursday, December 29. I spent the day mainly in conversing with friends; yet enjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few disposed to converse of heavenly things. Alas what are the things of this world, to afford satisfaction to the soul!——I blessed God for retirement, and that I am not always exposed to company. O that I could live “in the secret of God’s presence!”Friday, December 30. I was in a solemn devout frame and wondered that earth with all its charms, should ever allure me in the least degree. O that I could always realize the being and holiness of God!Saturday, December 31. I rode from Stockbridge home: the air was clear and calm, butas cold as ever I felt it. I was in great danger of perishing by the extremity of the season.Lord’s-day, January 1, 1743–4. Of a truth God has been gracious to me the past year, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled in about fifteen month’s past, to bestow to charitable uses about an hundred pounds. Blessed be the Lord, that has so far used me ashis stewardto distribute aportion of his goods. May I always remember, that all I have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through all the toils, fatigues, and hardships of the year past. O that I could begin this yearwith God, and spend the whole of it tohis glory, either in life or death!Tuesday, January 3. My time passes away so swiftly, that I am astonished when I reflect how little I do in it. My state of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what reason of thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead a Christian life when I am abroad, and cannot spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and meditation. Those weeks that I am obliged to be from home, in order to learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent in barrenness. When I return home, and give myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens, and my soul longs for mortification, self-denial,humility, and divorcement from all the things of the world.*Wednesday, January 4. Time appeared amoment, life avapour, and all its enjoyments asempty bubbles, and fleeting blasts of wind.*Friday, January 6. Feeling my extreme weakness, and want of grace, I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nor drinking from evening to evening. And my soul intensely longed, that the dreadful spots and stains of sin may be washed away. My mind was greatly fixed on divine things: my resolutions for a life of mortification, continual watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness, and devotion to God, were strong and fixed; my desires ardent and intense: my conscience tender and afraid of every appearance of evil. My soul was grieved with the reflection on my past levity, and want of resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to God, and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him.Saturday, January 14. This morning I enjoyed a solemn season in prayer: my soul seemed enlarged, to pour out itself to God for grace, and for every blessing I wanted, for myself, my dear Christian friends, and for the church of God; and I was so enabled tosee him who is invisible, that my soulrested upon himfor the performance of every thing I asked. It was my happiness, to “continue instant in prayer.” My soul was “strong in the Lord, and in the powerof his might.” I longed exceedingly for angelic holiness, and to have all my thoughts, at all times employed in heavenly things. O how blessed is an heavenly temper! O how unspeakably blessed it is to feel a measure of that rectitude, in which we were at first created![The next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories; but seems to be filled with fears lest he should return to a life of vanity, to please himself with some of the enjoyments of this world; and speaks of his being much troubled that he should address immortal souls with no more ardency and desire of their salvation.]Saturday, February 4. I enjoyed freedom and spiritual refreshment; was enabled to pray with fervency, and longing desires for Zion’s prosperity, and my faith and hope seem totake hold of God, for the performance of what I was enabled to plead for. Sanctification in myself, and the ingathering of God’s elect, was all my desire; and the hope of its accomplishment, all my joy.Monday, February 6. This morning, my soul was strengthened in God, and found sweet repose in him; longing especially for the complete mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation to God’s dispensations, at all times, as through grace I felt it at this time. And I did not desire deliverance from any difficulty, unless God was willing.Tuesday, February 7. I was much engaged in meditation on the powers and affections of thegodly soul in their pursuit of their beloved object: wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation, in its soft and tender whispers; declaring, that it now “feels and tastes that the Lord is gracious;” that he is the supreme good, the only satisfying happiness; that he is a complete, sufficient, and Almighty portion: saying,*“Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee.O, I feel it is heaven to please him, and to be just what he would have me to be! O that my soul wereholy, as he is holy! O that it werepure, even as Christ is pure: andperfect, as my Father in heaven is perfect! These, I feel, are the sweetest commands in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall I break them! Must I break them! Am I under a necessity of it as long as I live in the world!¹O my soul, wo, wo is me that I am a sinner, because I grieve and offend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and grace! Oh methinks, if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound my heart so deep to offend him: but though I sin continually, yet he continually repeats his kindness to me! I could bear any suffering; but how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed God! How shall I yield ten thousand times more honour to him? What shall I do to glorify this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul and body, to his service for ever! O that Igive up myself to him, so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections that are not perfectly♦conformed to him! But, alas, alas! I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God.²O ye angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if possible, prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed King of Heaven! I long to bear a part with you; and, if it were possible, to help you. Oh, when we have done all that we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the homage that the glorious God deserves!”¹No.♦“confirmed” replaced with “conformed” per Errata²You may as sure as God is true.Thursday, February 9. I observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer, intreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace: especially to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world, as well as of resignation and patience. I enjoyed a realizing sense of divine power and goodness in prayer: and was enabled to roll the burden of myself and friends, and of Zion, upon the goodness of God.Friday, February 10. I was exceedingly oppressed with shame, grief, and fear, under a sense of my past folly. When God sets before me my past misconduct, especially any instances ofmisguided zeal, it sinks my soul into shame and confusion.—I have no confidence to hold up my face, even before my fellow-worms; but only when my soul confides in God, and I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity,and mortification, and resignation, alive in my soul.Monday, February 13. I rode to Stockbridge, and had a more refreshing taste of heavenly blessedness, than I have enjoyed for many months past. I have many times, of late, felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever; but not so much sense of the unspeakable pleasure of heaven. My soul longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels in their celestial employments. My soul said, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and it appeared to me better to die, than to lose the relish of these heavenly delights.Wednesday, February 22. I had as clear a sense of the pollution of my nature, as ever I had in my life. I appeared to myself inexpressibly lothsome; sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I had not thought of for years together, came fresh to my view, as if committed but yesterday. Yet I was supported under my burdens; and found it was comfortable to lean on God.*Friday, March 2. I never felt so much love to my enemies, (though at that time I found such a disposition, that I scarce knew how to think that any such thing as enmity lodged in any soul; it seemed as if all the world must needs be friends;) and never prayed with more freedom and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for them.*Saturday, March 3. I spent an hour in prayer, with great freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind. I longed that those who owe me ill-will, might be eternally happy: it seemed refreshing, to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me on earth: I had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven, to love all the world with a love of kindness and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate, mild and meek; to be void of all evil-surmisings and suspicions, scarce able to think evil of any man; to find our hearts, simple, open and free, to those that look upon us with a different eye.*Lord’s-day, March 4. I enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as yesterday, felt the same spirit of love, universal benevolence, forgiveness, humility, resignation, mortification to the world, and composure of mind. “My soul rested in God;” and I found, I wanted no other refuge or friend. While my soul thus trusts in God, all things seem to be at peace with me, even the stones of the earth; but when I cannot confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect.*Saturday, March 10. I felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its enjoyments: I was ready to give up life and all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much comfortof life as almost ever I had. Life itself appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours, and enjoyments of it extremely tasteless. I longed to be perpetually and entirelycrucifiedto all things here below. My soul was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every regard; and I saw, there had nothing happened to me but what was best for me. I confided in God, that he would “never leave me,” though I should “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” It was “my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and to die to the Lord.” And I then enjoyed such an heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could conceive at another time. I did not wonder, that Peter said, “Lord it is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially of sweet affection to some godly ministers. I prayed earnestly for those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man living. I had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow-citizens; and when I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their feet;and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself.—I longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct, especially in myreligious zeal.Lord’s-day, March 11. I had some freedom, affection, and fervency in addressing my poor people; longing that God should take hold of their hearts. And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking.¹¹This was the last Sabbath that ever he performed public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever he preached there.Monday, March 12. My spirit was full of quietness, and love to mankind; and I longed that peace should reign on the earth: I was grieved at the very thoughts of afiery, angry, andintemperatezeal in religion; mourned over my past follies; and confided in God for grace sufficient for my future work and trials.—Spent the day mainly in hard labour, making preparation for my intended journey.Wednesday, March 14. I enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer, repeating my petitions for God’s presence in every place, and besought the Lord that I might not be too much pleased with my dear friends and acquaintance. Near ten I set out on my journey, and before night came to Stockbridge.Thursday, March 15. I rode down to Sheffield. Here I met a messenger from East-Hampton on Long-Island; who by the unanimous vote of that large town, was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle with that people; I knew not what to do; but endeavoured to commit the cause to God.[The two next days, he went no farther than Salisbury, being hindered by the rain. When he came there, he was much indisposed.—He speaks of comfortable and profitable conversation with Christian friends, on these days.]Lord’s day, March 18. [At Salisbury] I was exceeding weak and faint, so that I could scarce walk: but God was pleased to afford me much freedom, clearness, and fervency in preaching.—Here another messenger met me, and informed me of the vote of another congregation, to give me an invitation to come among them. I was something exercised in mind. O that God would “send forth faithful labourers into his harvest!”[After this, he went forward on his journey towards New-York and New-Jersey: in which he proceeded slowly; performing his journey under great bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the way, in which he had considerable assistance: he speaks of comfort in conversation with Christian friends; but yet complains of a decline of vivacity, by means of his constant removal from place to place, and wantof retirement. He came to New-York on Wednesday, March 28, and to Elisabeth-Town on the Saturday following, where it seems he waited till the commissioners came together.]Thursday, April 5. I attended on the commissioners in their meeting,¹and resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if divine providence permitted; although I had before felt some inclination to go to East-Hampton.²¹The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, andMr.Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly underMr.Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners; who met at Elisabeth-Town, on this occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.²By the invitationsMr.Brainerd lately received, it appears that it♦was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle among the English, that he was determined to forsake all outward comforts, and to go and spend his life among the brutish savages. He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, an earnest invitation to a settlement at East-Hampton on Long-Island, the fairest, pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of it. Besides he had an invitation to Millington; which was near his native town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor didMr.Brainerd chuse the business of a missionary, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service: for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and winter: having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, a train of outward and inward sorrows. Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on; and that although the place he was now going to, was at a much greater distance from most of his friends, acquaintance, and native land.♦“was” replaced with “was not” per Errata[After this, he continued two or three days in♦the Jerseys, very ill; and then returned to New-York; and from thence into New-England, to his native town of Haddam; where he arrived on Saturday, April 14.]♦“he” replaced with “the”*Tuesday, April 17. I found more of God’s presence, than I have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on a pace. O I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for God! Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching, and private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all the night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever.[After this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came toMr.Sergeant’s at Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26.]Friday and Saturday, April 27, and 28. I spent some time in discoursing with my people, who were now moved down from their own place toMr.Sergeant’s.Monday, April 30. I rode to Kaunaumeek,but was extremely ill; and did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to go to the Indians on Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed toMr.Sergeant’s, I this day took all my clothes, books,&c.and disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river: but made it my way to return toMr.♦Sergeant’s; which I did this day, just at night. I rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I was so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from me.♦“Serjeant’s” replaced with “Sergeant’s”Tuesday, May 8. I spent much of my time, while riding, in prayer, that God would go with me to Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I knew not where: but still it was comfortable, to think, that others of God’s children had “wandered about in caves and dens of the earth:” and Abraham, when he was called to go forth, “went out, not knowing whither he went.”[The next day, he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson’s river, and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so travelled across the woods, from Hudson’s river to Delaware, about an hundred miles, through a desolate and hideous country, above New-Jersey; where were very few settlements: in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visitedsome Indians in the way,¹and discoursed with them concerning Christianity, but was melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a strange wilderness. On Saturday, he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware.]¹SeeMr.Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter toMr.Pemberton.On May 10. I met with a number of Indians in a place called Minnissinks, about an hundred and forty miles from Kaunaumeek, and directly in my way to Delaware river. With these Indians I spent some time, and first addressed theirkingin a friendly manner; and after some discourse, I told him I had a desire to instruct them inChristianity. At which he laughed, turned his back upon me, and went away. I then addressed anotherprincipalman in the same manner, who said he was willing to hear me. After some time, I followed thekinginto his house, and renewed my discourse to him: but he declined talking, and left the affair to another, who appeared to be a rational man. He talked very warmly near a quarter of an hour, and inquired why I desired the Indians to becomeChristians, seeing the Christians were so much worse than the Indians? The Christians, he said, would lie, steal, and drink, worse than the Indians. It wastheyfirst taught the Indians to be drunk; andtheystole from one another, to that degree, that their rulers were obliged to hang them for it, and that was not sufficient to deter others from the likepractice. But the Indians, he added, were none of them ever hanged for stealing, and yet they did not steal half so much; and he supposed that if the Indians should become Christians, they then would be as bad as these. He added, they would live as theirfatherslived, and go where theirfatherswere when they died. I then freelyowned, lamented, and joined with him incondemningthe ill conduct of some who are calledChristians; told him, these were notChristiansinheart; that I hated such wicked practices, and did not desire the Indians to become such as these.—And when he appeared calmer, I asked him if he was willing that I should come and see them again: he replied, he should be willing to see me again, as afriend, if I would not desire them to becomeChristians.—I then bid them farewell, and prosecuted my journey towards Delaware. And May13thI arrived at a place called by the Indians, Sakhauwotung, within the Forks of Delaware in Pennsylvania.Here also when I came to the Indians, I saluted their king, in a manner I thought most engaging: and soon after informed him of my desire to instruct them in theChristian religion. After he had consulted a few minutes with two or three old men, he told me, he was willing to hear. I then preached to those few that were present; who appeared very attentive. And the king in particular seemed both to wonder, and at the same time to be well pleased withwhat I taught them, respecting the divine being. And since that time he has ever shewn himself friendly to me, giving me free liberty to preach in his house whenever I think fit.—Here therefore I spent the greater part of the summer, preaching usually in the king’s house.The number of Indians in this place is but small; most of those that formerly belonged here, are removed farther back in the country. There are not more than ten houses hereabouts, that continue to be inhabited; and some of these are several miles distant from others, which makes it difficult for the Indians to meet together so frequently as could be desired.When I first began to preach here, the number ofhearerswas very small; often not exceeding twenty or twenty-five persons: but towards the latter part of the summer, their number increased, so that I have frequently had forty persons, or more, at once: and often the most of those belonging to these parts.Lord’s-day, May 13. I rose early; felt very poorly after my long journey, and after being wet and fatigued. I had scarce ever seen such a gloomy morning in my life: there appeared to be noSabbath: the children were all at play; I a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging. I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed like a creature banished from his sight! Yet hewas pleased to support my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so that I never entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but was comforted, to think, that death would ere long set me free from these distresses.—I rode about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart then began to be a little encouraged: I went and preached first to the Irish, and then to the Indians: and in the evening I was a little comforted; my soul seemed to rest on God and take courage. O that the Lord would be my support and comforter in an evil world!Monday, May 14. I felt myself loose from all the world; all appeared “vanity and vexation of spirit.” I seemed lonesome, as if I was banished from all mankind, and bereaved of all that is called pleasant in the world; but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy, it seemed fitter for me to be here than anywhere.Thursday, May 17. I was greatly distressed with a sense of my vileness; appearing to myself too bad to walk on God’s earth. God was pleased to let me see my inward pollution to such a degree, that I almost despaired of being made holy. In the afternoon I met with the Indians, according to appointment, and preached to them. And while riding to them, I seemed to confide in God; and afterwards had some enlargement inprayer; vital piety and holiness appeared sweet to me, and I longed for the perfection of it.Lord’s-day, May 20. I preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyed some freedom in speaking. My soul longed for assistance from above, all the while; for I saw I had no strength for that work. Afterwards I preached to the Irish people; and several seemed much concerned, with whom I discoursed afterwards with freedom and power. Blessed be God for any assistance to an unworthy worm.Lord’s-day, May 27. I visited my Indians in the morning, and attending upon afuneralamong them, was affected to see theirHeathenish practices. O that they might be “turned from darkness to light!” Afterwards I got a considerable number of them together, and preached to them; and observed them very attentive. I then preached to the white people, and several seemed much concerned; especially one who had been educated a Roman catholic. Blessed be the Lord for any help.Monday, June 11. This day thepresbyterymet at Newark, in order to myordination. I was very weak and disordered in body; yet endeavoured to repose my confidence in God. At three in the afternoon I preached my probation-sermon, from Actsxxvi.17, 18, being a text given me for that end. Afterwards I passed an examination before thepresbytery. My mindwas burdened with the greatness of that charge I was about to take upon me: so that I could not sleep this night, though very weary and in great need of rest.Tuesday, June 12. I was this morning further examined, respecting my experimental acquaintance with Christianity. At ten o’clock myordinationwas attended. I was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to me; yet was composed, and solemn, without distraction: and I then (as many times before) gave myself up to God, to be for him, and not for another. O that I might always♦be engaged in the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge I have received, in the presence of God, angels, and men.♦“he” replaced with “be”
From his first beginning to instruct the Indians at Kaunaumeek, to hisOrdination.
FRIDAY, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles from Stockbridge, where the Indians live, and I lodged on a little heap of straw. I was greatly exercised with inward distresses all day; and in the evening seemed to have no God to go to. O that God would help me!
The place was sufficiently lonesome, and unpleasant, being encompassed with mountains and woods; twenty miles distant from any English inhabitants; six or seven from any Dutch; and more than two from a family that came, from theHighlands of Scotland, and had then lived about two years in this wilderness. In this family I lodged about the space of three months, the master of it being the only person with whom I could readily converse in those parts, except my interpreter; others understanding very little English.
Thursday, April 7. I appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak, helpless, and altogether unequal to my work. It seemed to me I should never do any service, or have any success among the Indians. My soul was weary of life: I longed for death, beyond measure. When I thought of any godly soul departed, my soul was ready to envy him his privilege, thinking, “Oh, when will my turn come! Must it be years first!”—But I know those desires rose partly for want of resignation to God. Towards night, I had faith in prayer, and some assistance in writing. O that God would keep me near him!
*Friday, April 8. I was exceedingly pressed under a sense of myparty-spirit, in times past, while I attempted to promote the cause of God: its vile nature appeared in such odious colours, that my very heart was pained: I saw how poor souls stumbled over it into everlasting destruction, and was constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul, “O Lord, deliver me from blood-guiltiness.” I saw my desert of hell on this account. My soul was full of anguish and shame before God, that I had spent so much time in conversation tending only to promote aparty-spirit.I saw I had not duly prized mortification, self-denial, resignation under all adversities, meekness, love, candour, and holiness of heart and life.—Of late, I have thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in the world; but now I saw I had enough to do myself. The Lord be merciful to me a sinner.
Lord’s-day, April 10. I preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behaved soberly in general: two or three appeared under some concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one told me, “her heart had cried, ever since she heard me preach first.”
Wednesday, April 13. I verily thought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, ignorant creature living. And yet I knew what God had done for my soul: though sometimes I was assaulted with doubts, whether it was possible for such a wretch as I, to be in a state of grace.
Tuesday, April 19. In the morning, I enjoyed sweet repose in God; felt some confidence; and was refreshed and comforted. My soul was lifted above thedeep waters, wherein it has been so long almost drowned; I found myself engaged for the advancement of Christ’s kingdom in my own soul, more than in the Heathen world.
Wednesday, April 20. I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, to bow my soul before God for grace; especially that all my inward distresses might be sanctified to my soul. I endeavouredalso to remember the goodness of God to me in the year past. Having obtained help of God, I am now arrived at the age of twenty-five years. My soul was pained, to think of my barrenness; that I have lived so little to the glory of the eternal God. I spent the day in the woods alone, and there poured out my complaint to God. O that God would enable me to live to his glory for the future!
*Friday, April 22. My leanness testifies against me! My soul abhors itself for its unlikeness to God, its inactivity and sluggishness. When I have done all, what an unprofitable servant am I! I groan to see the hours of the day roll away, because I do not fill them, in spirituality and heavenly-mindedness. And yet I long they should speed their pace, to hasten me to my eternal home, where I may fill up all my moments, for God and his glory.
*Tuesday, May 10. I was extremely pressed with a sense of guilt, pollution, blindness; the sins of my youth were set in order before me; they went over my head a burden, too heavy for me to bear. Almost all the actions of my life past seem to be covered over with sin and guilt; and those of them that I performed in the most conscientious manner, now fill me with shame and confusion, Oh! thepride, selfishness, ignorance, bitterness, party-zeal, andthe want of love, candour, meekness, andgentleness, that have attended my attempts to promote religion; and this when I had real assistance from above, andsome sweet intercourse with heaven! But, what corrupt mixtures attended my best duties!
After several weeks I found my distance from the Indians a very great disadvantage, as I was obliged to travel forward and backward almost daily on foot having no pasture in which I could keep my horse. And after all my pains, I could not be with them in the evening and morning, which were hours when they could best attend my instructions.
I therefore resolved to remove, and live with or near the Indians, that I might watch when they were at home and take that time for their instruction.
Accordingly I removed and for a time lived with them in one of theirwigwams: not long after I built me a small house, where I spent the remainder of that year alone; my interpreter (who was an Indian) choosing rather to live in a wigwam among his own countrymen.
But although the difficulties of this solitary way of living are not the least, yet I can truly say the burden I felt respecting mygreat workamong the poor Indians, the fear and concern that continually hung upon my spirit, lest they should be prejudiced against Christianity, by means of some who (although they are calledChristians) had rather the Indians should remain heathens, that they may with more ease cheat them; the fear and concern I felt in these respects, were much more pressing to me, than all the difficulties that attended the circumstances of my living.
As to thestateortemperofmind, in which I found these Indians, at my first coming amongthem, it was much more encouraging, than expected. Their prejudices against Christianity, were in a great measure removed by the long continued labours of theRev.Mr.Sergeant among a number of the same tribe, in a place more than twenty miles distant: by which means, these were in some degree, prepared to entertain the truths of Christianity instead of objecting against them as is common with them at first. Some of them appeared well disposed toward religion, and seemed pleased with my coming among them.
*Wednesday, May 18. My circumstances are such that I have no comfort, of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesome wilderness; have but one single person to converse with, that can speak English.¹Most of the talk I hear, is either Highland Scotch or Indian. I have no fellow-Christian to whom I might unbosom myself, and lay open my spiritual sorrows, and with whom I might take sweet counsel about heavenly things, and join in prayer. I live poorly with regard to the comforts of life: most of my diet consists of boiled corn, and hasty pudding. I lodge on a bundle of straw, my labour is hard; and I have little appearance of success. The Indian affairs are very difficult; having no land to live on, but what the Dutch threaten to drive them from;they have no regard to the souls of the poor Indians; and they hate me, because I come to preach to them.——But that which makes all my difficulties grievous to be borne, is, that “God hides his face from me.”
¹This person wasMr.Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequunaunt, who had been instructed in the Christian religion byMr.Sergeant; understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
¹This person wasMr.Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequunaunt, who had been instructed in the Christian religion byMr.Sergeant; understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
¹This person wasMr.Brainerd’s interpreter; who was an ingenious young Indian belonging to Stockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequunaunt, who had been instructed in the Christian religion byMr.Sergeant; understood both English and Indian very well, and wrote a good hand.
[Here he had various exercises of mind; from his first coming to Kaunaumeek, till he got into his own house, a little hut that he made chiefly with his own hands, with long and hard labour. How it was with him in those dark seasons he further describes in his diary for July 2.] “My soul is, and has for a long time been in a pitieous condition, wading through a series of sorrows, of various kinds. I have been so crushed down sometimes with a sense of my meanness and infinite unworthiness, that I have been ashamed that any, even the meanest of my fellow creatures, should so much as spend a thought about me, and have wished while I have travelled among the thick brakes, to drop into everlasting oblivion. In this case, I have almost resolved never again to see any of my acquaintance; and really thought, I could not be seen or heard of any more.—Sometimes the consideration of my ignorance has been a means of my great distress and anxiety. And especially my soul has been in anguish with fear, shame and guilt, that ever I had preached, or had any thought that way.——Sometimes my soul has been in distress on feeling some particular corruptions: having at the same time, ten thousand former sins and follies presented to my view.——Andthese attended with such external circumstances as mine at present are; destitute of most of the conveniences of life, and I may say, of all the pleasures of it; without a friend to communicate any of my sorrows to, and sometimes without any place of retirement, where I may unburden my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to my distress.”
[One main occasion of that distressing gloominess, next to natural♦melancholy, was reflecting on his past errors and misguided zeal atcollege. Therefore he repeated his endeavours for reconciliation with the governors of the college. And although he had been at New-Haven, in June, and had attempted a reconciliation; yet in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither, and renewed his attempt, but still in vain.]
♦“melancholly” replaced with “melancholy”
♦“melancholly” replaced with “melancholy”
♦“melancholly” replaced with “melancholy”
Saturday, July 30. Just at night, I moved intomy own house, and lodged there; and I found it much better spending the time alone at my own house, than in thewigwamwhere I was before.
Wednesday, August 3. I am now uninterruptly alone; and find my retirement comfortable. I have enjoyed more sense of divine things within a few days past, than for some time before. I longed after holiness, humility and meekness: O that God would enable me to “pass the time of my sojourning here in his fear,” and alwayslive to him!
*Thursday, August 4. I have generally found the more I do in secret prayer, the more I enjoy of a spirit of prayer; and I frequently have found the contrary, when with journeying or otherwise, I have been deprived of retirement. A seasonable steady performance of secret duties in their proper hours, and a careful improvement of all time, filling up every hour with some profitable labour, either of heart, head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldness before God. “Christ” indeed “is our peace, and by him we have boldness of access to God;” but agood conscience void of offence, is an excellent preparation for an approach to the divine presence. Filling up our timewithandforGod, is the way to rise up and lie down in peace.
Saturday, August 13. I was enabled in secret prayer to raise my soul to God, with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul: I found the comfort of being a Christian: “I counted the sufferings of the present life not worthy to be compared with the glory” of divine enjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed to disappear, and I “remembered no more the sorrow for joy.”—With what a filial tenderness, the soul hangs on, and confides inthe Rock of ages, at such a season, that he will “never leave it nor forsake it,” that he will cause all things to work together for its good; I longed that others should know how good a God the Lord is. My soul was full of tenderness and love, even to the most inveterate of my enemies.I longed that God should do just as he pleased with me and every thing else. I felt exceeding serious, calm, and peaceful, and encouraged to press after holiness as long as I live, whatever difficulties and trials may be in my way.
Monday, August 15. In my weak state of body, I was not a little distressed for want of suitable food. I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen miles for all the bread I eat; and sometimes it is mouldy and sour before I eat it, if I get any considerable quantity: and then again I have none for some days together, for want of an opportunity to send for it. And this was my case now: but through divine goodness I had some Indianmeal, of which I made little cakes, and fried them. And I felt contented with my circumstances, and sweetly resigned to God. In prayer I enjoyed great freedom; and blessed God as much for my present circumstances, as if I had been a king, and I never feel comfortably, but when I find my soul going forth after God: if I cannot be holy, I must be miserable for ever.
Lord’s day, August 21. I fell down before the Lord, and groaned under my own vileness, barrenness, deadness, and felt as if I was guilty of foul murder, in speaking to immortal souls in such a manner as I had done.—I was very full of pain in the evening; and my soul mourned that I had spent so much time to so little profit.
*Monday, August 22. I had intense breathingsof soul after holiness, and very clear manifestations of my utter inability to work it in myself. O, with what tenderness the love and desire of holiness fills the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get a conformity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace one cubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at least groaning, that it cannot obtain purity of heart.
*Tuesday, August 23. I poured out my soul for all the world, friends, and enemies. My soul was concerned for Christ’s kingdom that it might appear in the whole earth. And I abhorred the very thought of apartyin religion! Let the truth of God appear, wherever it is; and God have the glory for ever.
Wednesday, August 24. I thought, if God should say, “You shall in a few days go into eternity,” my soul would leap for joy. O that I may both “desire to be dissolved,” and “wait patiently all the days of my appointed time till my change come!”—But, alas! I am very unfit for the business and blessedness of heaven.—O for more holiness!
*Thursday, August 25. I find it is impossible to enjoy peace and tranquility of mind without a careful improvement of time. This is really an imitation of God and Christ Jesus: “My father worketh hitherto, and I work,” says our Lord. And, if we would be like God, we mustsee that we fill up our time for him.—I daily long to dwell in perfect light and love. In the mean time, my soul mourns that I make so little preparation for the world of blessedness: I see and know that I am a barren tree in God’s vineyard, and that he might justly say, “Cut it down.” O that God would make me more lively and vigorous in grace, for his own glory!
Lord’s-day, August 28. I was much perplexed with some Dutchmen. All their discourse turned upon the things of the world. Oh, what ahellit would be to spend an eternity with such men! Well might David say, “I beheld the transgressors and was grieved.”—But adored be God,heavenis a place “into which no unclean thing enters.” O I long for the holiness of that world! Lord prepare me for it.
Wednesday, August 31. Eternal things engrossed all my thoughts; and I longed to be in the world of spirits. O how happy is it, to have all our thoughts swallowed up in that world; to feel one’s self a stranger in this, diligently seeking a road through it, a sure road to the heavenly Jerusalem!
Thursday, September 1. I always feel comfortably when God realizes death, and the things of another world to my mind: whenever my mind is taken off from the things of this world, and set on God, my soul is atrest.
Tuesday, September 13. I rode to New-Haven. *I find, though my inward trials are great,and a life of solitude gives them greater advantages to penetrate the inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be alone, than incumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult maintaining a sense of divine things, while removing from place to place, diverted with new objects, and filled with care and business. A settled steady business is best adapted to a life of strict religion.
Wednesday, September 14. This day I ought to have taken mydegree;¹but God sees fit to deny it me. And though I was afraid of being overwhelmed with confusion, when I should see myclass-matestake theirs; yet, in the very season of it, God enabled me with calmness to say, “The will of the Lord be done.” Indeed, I have scarcely felt my mind so sedate and comfortable for some time. I have long feared this season, and expected my humility, meekness, patience, and resignation would be tried: but found much more pleasure and divine comfort than I expected.
¹This being commencement-day.
¹This being commencement-day.
¹This being commencement-day.
Thursday, September 15. It is always a comfort to me, to hear spiritual discourse. O that ministers and people were more spiritual and devoted to God!—Towards night, I offered the following reflections in writing, to the rector♦and trustees of the college, (the same that I had offered to the rector before, and intreated him toaccept;) and this I did, that if possible I might cut off all occasion of offence, from those that seek occasion.
♦duplicate word “and” removed
♦duplicate word “and” removed
♦duplicate word “and” removed
*“Whereas I have said before several persons, concerningMr.Whittelsey, one of the tutors of Yale-college, that I did not believe he had any more grace than the chair I then leaned upon; I humbly confess that herein I have sinned against God, and acted contrary to the rules of his word, and have injuredMr.Whittelsey. I had no right to make thus free with his character; and had no just reason to say as I did concerning him. My fault herein was the more aggravated, in that I said this concerning one that was so much my superior, and one that I was obliged to treat with special respect and honour, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in the college. Such a manner of behaviour, I confess, did not become a Christian; it was taking too much upon me, and did not favour of that humble respect, that I ought to have expressed towardsMr.Whittelsey. I have often reflected on this act with grief, on account of the sin of it: and am willing to lie low, and be abased before God and man for it: and humbly ask the forgiveness of the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but ofMr.Whittelsey in particular. And I now appear, to judge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting in New-Haven, though the rector had refused to give me leave. For this I humbly ask therector’s forgiveness. And whether the governors of the college shall ever see cause to remove the academical censure I lie under, or no, yet I am willing to appear, if they think fit, openly to own, and to humble myself for those things I have herein confessed.”
*God has made me willing to do any thing, that I can do, consistent with truth, for the sake of peace, and that I might not be a stumbling-block and offence to others. For this reason I can chearfully give up what I verily believe, after the most impartial search, is my right. God has given me that disposition, that if this were the case, that a man has done me an hundred injuries, and I (though ever so much provoked to it) have done him one, I am heartily willing humbly to confess my fault to him, and on my knees to ask forgiveness of him; though at the same time he should justify himself in all the injuries he has done me, and should only make use of my humble confession to blacken my character the more, and represent me as the only person guilty; yea, though he should as it were insult me, and say, “he knew all this before, and that I was making work for repentance.” Though what I said concerningMr.Whittelsey was only spoken in private, to a friend or two; and being partly overheard, was related to the rector, and by him extorted from my friends;yet, seeing it was divulged and made public, I was willing to confess my fault therein publickly.¹
¹I was witness to the very Christian spiritMr.Brainerd shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal acquaintance with him.) There appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by theRev.Mr.Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without success.——What manner of spirit were these governors of? Do these dare to call themselvesChristians? What is thisMr.Whittelsey? Was he worthy to carryMr.Brainerd’s books after him?
¹I was witness to the very Christian spiritMr.Brainerd shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal acquaintance with him.) There appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by theRev.Mr.Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without success.——What manner of spirit were these governors of? Do these dare to call themselvesChristians? What is thisMr.Whittelsey? Was he worthy to carryMr.Brainerd’s books after him?
¹I was witness to the very Christian spiritMr.Brainerd shewed at that time, being then at New-Haven, and being one that he saw fit to consult on that occasion. (This was the first time that ever I had opportunity of personal acquaintance with him.) There appeared in him a great degree of calmness and humility; without the least appearance of rising of spirit for any ill-treatment he had suffered, or the least backwardness to abase himself before them whom he thought, had wronged him. What he did was without any appearance of reluctance even in private to his friends. Earnest application was made on his behalf to the authority of the college, that he might have his degree then given him; and particularly by theRev.Mr.Burr of Newark, one of the correspondents of the honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New-Jersey to New-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners, for that end; and many arguments were used, but without success.——What manner of spirit were these governors of? Do these dare to call themselvesChristians? What is thisMr.Whittelsey? Was he worthy to carryMr.Brainerd’s books after him?
[The next day he went to Derby; then to Southbury, where he spent the Sabbath.]
Tuesday, September 20. I had thoughts of going forward on my journey to my Indians; but towards night was taken with a hard pain in my teeth, and shivering cold, and could not possibly recover a comfortable decree of warmth the whole night following. I continued very full of pain all night; and in the morning had a fever, and pains almost all over my body. I had a sense of the divine goodness in appointing this to be the place of my sickness, among my friends. I should probably have perished, if I had first got home to my own house in the wilderness, whereI have none to converse with but the poor rude ignorant Indians. I continued thus, mostly confined to my bed, till Friday night; very full of pain; but not afraid of death.——On Friday evening my pains went off suddenly.
[From this time, he gradually recovered; and on the next Tuesday was able to go forward on his journey; but was till the Tuesday following before he reached Kaunaumeek.]
Tuesday, October 4. This day I rode home to my own house and people. The poor Indians appeared very glad of my return. I presently fell on my knees, and blessed God for my safe return. I have taken many considerable journeys since this time last year, and yet God has never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any calamity to befal me, though I have been often exposed to cold and hunger in the wilderness, where the comforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been lost in the woods; and once lay out in the woods all night.
Lord’s-day, October 16. I retired, and poured out my soul to God with much freedom; and yet in anguish, to find my soul so unspeakably sinful and unworthy before a holy God. I was now much resigned under God’s dispensations towards me, though my trials had been very great. But thought whether I could be resigned, if God should let the French Indians come upon me, and deprive me of my life, or carry me away captive, (though I knew of no specialreason then to propose this trial to myself,) and my soul seemed so far to rest in God, that the sting and terror of these things was gone. Presently after I received the following letter by a messenger sent on purpose.
“Sir, Just now we received advices from Colonel Stoddard, that there is the utmost danger of a rupture with France. He has received the same from his excellency our governor, ordering him to give notice to all the exposed places, that they may secure themselves the best they can against any sudden invasion. We thought best to send directly to Kaunaumeek, that you may take the prudentest measures for your safety. I am, Sir,&c.”
I thought, it came in a good season; for my heart seemed fixed on God, and therefore I was not surprised: but this news only made me more serious, and taught me that I must not please myself with any of the comforts of life which I had been preparing.
Lord’s-day, October 23. I had some freedom and warmth, both parts of the day. And my people were very attentive. In the evening, two or three came to me under concern for their souls; to whom I was enabled to discourse closely, and with some earnestness.
[He seems, through the whole of this week, to have been greatly engaged to fill up every inch of time in the service of God, and to have been most diligently employed in study, prayer,and instructing the Indians; and from time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and the advancement of his kingdom.]
Monday, October 31. My soul was so lifted up to God, that I could pour out my desires to him, for more grace and further degrees of sanctification, with abundant freedom. I longed to be more abundantly prepared for that blessedness, with which I was then in some measure refreshed.
Thursday, November 3. I spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, from morning till night. Early in the morning, I had some assistance in prayer. Afterwards, I read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1 Kingsxvii. xviii. and xix.chapters. My soul was much moved, observing the faith, zeal, and power of that holy man; and how he wrestled with God in prayer. I then cried with Elisha, “Where is the Lord God of Elijah!” I longed for more faith! My soul breathed after God, and pleaded with him, that a “double portion of that spirit,” which was given to Elijah, might “rest on me.” And that which was refreshing to my soul, was, I saw God is thesamethat he was in the days of Elijah.—I was enabled to wrestle with God by prayer, in a more affectionate, humble, and importunate manner, than I have for many months past. Nothing seemed too hard for God to perform; nothing too great for me to hope for from him.—I had for many months lost all hopes of doing any special service for God in the world; it appearedentirely impossible, that one so vile should be thus employed for God. But at this time God was pleased to revive this hope.—Afterwards I read the third chapter of Exodus and on to thexxth, and saw more of thegloryandmajestyofGoddiscovered in those chapters, than ever I had seen before; frequently in the mean time falling on my knees, and crying to God for the faith of Moses, and for a manifestation of thedivine glory. My soul was ardent in prayer, and I was enabled to wrestle for myself, for my friends, and for the church of God. And I felt more desire to see the power of God in the conversion of souls, than I have done for a long season. Blessed be God for this season of fasting and prayer! May his goodness always abide with me, and draw my soul to him!
*Monday November 7. This morning my mind was solemn, fixed, affectionate, and ardent in desires after holiness; and felt full of tenderness and love; and my affections seemed to be dissolved into kindness and softness.—My soul longed after God, and cried to him with filial freedom, reverence, and boldness. O that I might be entirely consecrated and devoted to God!
Thursday, November 10. I spent this day in fasting and prayer. In the morning I was dull and lifeless: But after some time, reading 2 Kingsxix.chapter, my soul was moved and affected. I saw there was no way for the afflictedto take, but to go to God with all their sorrows. Hezekiah, in his great distress, went and spread his complaint before the Lord. I was then enabled to see the mighty power of God, and my extreme need of that power; and to cry to God affectionately and ardently for his power to be exercised towards me.
[The remaining part of this week, and the two following weeks, he was very ill, and full of pain; and yet obliged, to be at great fatigues, travelling day and night, in stormy and severe seasons. He from time to time, within this space, speaks of out-goings of soul after God; his heart strengthened in God; seasons of divine sweetness and comfort. And yet there are many complaints of lifelessness, distance from God, and unprofitableness. But still there appears a constant care, from day to day, not to lose time, but to employ it all for God.]
Tuesday, November 29. I began to study the Indian tongue, withMr.Sergeant at♦Stockbridge.¹—I was perplexed for want of more retirement.—I love to live alone in my own littlecottage, where I can spend much time in prayer.
♦“Stockbrige” replaced with “Stockbridge”¹The commissioners had directed him to spend much time this winter withMr.Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride, backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek. This many times exposed him to extreme hardship in that severe season.
♦“Stockbrige” replaced with “Stockbridge”
♦“Stockbrige” replaced with “Stockbridge”
¹The commissioners had directed him to spend much time this winter withMr.Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride, backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek. This many times exposed him to extreme hardship in that severe season.
¹The commissioners had directed him to spend much time this winter withMr.Sergeant, to learn the language of the Indians; which necessitated him very often to ride, backwards and forwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods between Stockbridge and Kaunaumeek. This many times exposed him to extreme hardship in that severe season.
Monday, December 5. I rode to Stockbridge, but was almost outdone with the extreme cold. I had some refreshing meditations by the way; but was barren and lifeless, much of the day. Thus my days roll away, with but little done for God; and this is my burden.
Tuesday, December 6. I was perplexed to see the vanity and levity of professed Christians: but I spent the evening with a Christian friend, that was able to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts.
*Thursday, December 8. My mind was lost with different affections. I was looking round in the world, to see if there was not some happiness to be derived from it. God, and some objects in the world seemed each to invite my heart, and my soul seemed to be distracted between them. I have not been so beset for a long time: with relation to some objects which I thought myself most dead to. But while I was desiring to please myself with any thing below, sorrow and perplexity attended the first motions of desire.—I found no peace or deliverance from distraction, till I found access to the throne of grace; and as soon as I had any sense of God, the allurements of the world vanished. But my soul mourned over my folly, that I should desire any pleasure, but in God. God forgive my spiritual idolatry.
Thursday, December 22. I spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, and reading in God’s wordthe exercises and deliverance of his children. I had realizing apprehensions of divine power, grace, and holiness; and also of the unchangeableness of God, that he is the same as he was when he delivered his saints of old out of tribulation. My soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for God’s church and people. O that Zion might become the “joy of the whole earth!”
Monday, December 26. I rode down to Stockbridge, but was very much fatigued with my journey, wherein I underwent great hardship: being very wet by falling into a river. I spent the day without much sense of divine things; but perplexed with wandering thoughts.
Thursday, December 29. I spent the day mainly in conversing with friends; yet enjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few disposed to converse of heavenly things. Alas what are the things of this world, to afford satisfaction to the soul!——I blessed God for retirement, and that I am not always exposed to company. O that I could live “in the secret of God’s presence!”
Friday, December 30. I was in a solemn devout frame and wondered that earth with all its charms, should ever allure me in the least degree. O that I could always realize the being and holiness of God!
Saturday, December 31. I rode from Stockbridge home: the air was clear and calm, butas cold as ever I felt it. I was in great danger of perishing by the extremity of the season.
Lord’s-day, January 1, 1743–4. Of a truth God has been gracious to me the past year, though he has caused me to pass through many sorrows; he has provided for me bountifully, so that I have been enabled in about fifteen month’s past, to bestow to charitable uses about an hundred pounds. Blessed be the Lord, that has so far used me ashis stewardto distribute aportion of his goods. May I always remember, that all I have comes from God. Blessed be the Lord, that has carried me through all the toils, fatigues, and hardships of the year past. O that I could begin this yearwith God, and spend the whole of it tohis glory, either in life or death!
Tuesday, January 3. My time passes away so swiftly, that I am astonished when I reflect how little I do in it. My state of solitude does not make the hours hang heavy upon my hands. O what reason of thankfulness have I on account of this retirement! I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead a Christian life when I am abroad, and cannot spend time in devotion, Christian conversation, and meditation. Those weeks that I am obliged to be from home, in order to learn the Indian tongue, are mostly spent in barrenness. When I return home, and give myself to meditation, prayer, and fasting, a new scene opens, and my soul longs for mortification, self-denial,humility, and divorcement from all the things of the world.
*Wednesday, January 4. Time appeared amoment, life avapour, and all its enjoyments asempty bubbles, and fleeting blasts of wind.
*Friday, January 6. Feeling my extreme weakness, and want of grace, I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nor drinking from evening to evening. And my soul intensely longed, that the dreadful spots and stains of sin may be washed away. My mind was greatly fixed on divine things: my resolutions for a life of mortification, continual watchfulness, self-denial, seriousness, and devotion to God, were strong and fixed; my desires ardent and intense: my conscience tender and afraid of every appearance of evil. My soul was grieved with the reflection on my past levity, and want of resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication of myself to God, and longed for grace to enable me always to keep covenant with him.
Saturday, January 14. This morning I enjoyed a solemn season in prayer: my soul seemed enlarged, to pour out itself to God for grace, and for every blessing I wanted, for myself, my dear Christian friends, and for the church of God; and I was so enabled tosee him who is invisible, that my soulrested upon himfor the performance of every thing I asked. It was my happiness, to “continue instant in prayer.” My soul was “strong in the Lord, and in the powerof his might.” I longed exceedingly for angelic holiness, and to have all my thoughts, at all times employed in heavenly things. O how blessed is an heavenly temper! O how unspeakably blessed it is to feel a measure of that rectitude, in which we were at first created!
[The next day he speaks of some glimpses he had of the divine glories; but seems to be filled with fears lest he should return to a life of vanity, to please himself with some of the enjoyments of this world; and speaks of his being much troubled that he should address immortal souls with no more ardency and desire of their salvation.]
Saturday, February 4. I enjoyed freedom and spiritual refreshment; was enabled to pray with fervency, and longing desires for Zion’s prosperity, and my faith and hope seem totake hold of God, for the performance of what I was enabled to plead for. Sanctification in myself, and the ingathering of God’s elect, was all my desire; and the hope of its accomplishment, all my joy.
Monday, February 6. This morning, my soul was strengthened in God, and found sweet repose in him; longing especially for the complete mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation to God’s dispensations, at all times, as through grace I felt it at this time. And I did not desire deliverance from any difficulty, unless God was willing.
Tuesday, February 7. I was much engaged in meditation on the powers and affections of thegodly soul in their pursuit of their beloved object: wrote something of the native language of spiritual sensation, in its soft and tender whispers; declaring, that it now “feels and tastes that the Lord is gracious;” that he is the supreme good, the only satisfying happiness; that he is a complete, sufficient, and Almighty portion: saying,
*“Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee.O, I feel it is heaven to please him, and to be just what he would have me to be! O that my soul wereholy, as he is holy! O that it werepure, even as Christ is pure: andperfect, as my Father in heaven is perfect! These, I feel, are the sweetest commands in God’s book, comprising all others. And shall I break them! Must I break them! Am I under a necessity of it as long as I live in the world!¹O my soul, wo, wo is me that I am a sinner, because I grieve and offend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and grace! Oh methinks, if he would punish me for my sins, it would not wound my heart so deep to offend him: but though I sin continually, yet he continually repeats his kindness to me! I could bear any suffering; but how can I bear to grieve and dishonour this blessed God! How shall I yield ten thousand times more honour to him? What shall I do to glorify this best of beings? O that I could consecrate myself, soul and body, to his service for ever! O that Igive up myself to him, so as never more to attempt to be my own, or to have any will or affections that are not perfectly♦conformed to him! But, alas, alas! I cannot be thus entirely devoted to God.²O ye angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if possible, prostrate yourselves lower before the blessed King of Heaven! I long to bear a part with you; and, if it were possible, to help you. Oh, when we have done all that we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the ten thousandth part of the homage that the glorious God deserves!”
¹No.♦“confirmed” replaced with “conformed” per Errata²You may as sure as God is true.
¹No.
¹No.
♦“confirmed” replaced with “conformed” per Errata
♦“confirmed” replaced with “conformed” per Errata
²You may as sure as God is true.
²You may as sure as God is true.
Thursday, February 9. I observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer, intreating of God to bestow upon me his blessing and grace: especially to enable me to live a life of mortification to the world, as well as of resignation and patience. I enjoyed a realizing sense of divine power and goodness in prayer: and was enabled to roll the burden of myself and friends, and of Zion, upon the goodness of God.
Friday, February 10. I was exceedingly oppressed with shame, grief, and fear, under a sense of my past folly. When God sets before me my past misconduct, especially any instances ofmisguided zeal, it sinks my soul into shame and confusion.—I have no confidence to hold up my face, even before my fellow-worms; but only when my soul confides in God, and I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit of humility, solemnity,and mortification, and resignation, alive in my soul.
Monday, February 13. I rode to Stockbridge, and had a more refreshing taste of heavenly blessedness, than I have enjoyed for many months past. I have many times, of late, felt as ardent desires of holiness as ever; but not so much sense of the unspeakable pleasure of heaven. My soul longed to leave earth, and bear a part with angels in their celestial employments. My soul said, “Lord, it is good to be here;” and it appeared to me better to die, than to lose the relish of these heavenly delights.
Wednesday, February 22. I had as clear a sense of the pollution of my nature, as ever I had in my life. I appeared to myself inexpressibly lothsome; sins of childhood, of early youth, and such follies as I had not thought of for years together, came fresh to my view, as if committed but yesterday. Yet I was supported under my burdens; and found it was comfortable to lean on God.
*Friday, March 2. I never felt so much love to my enemies, (though at that time I found such a disposition, that I scarce knew how to think that any such thing as enmity lodged in any soul; it seemed as if all the world must needs be friends;) and never prayed with more freedom and delight, for myself, or dearest friend, than I did now for them.
*Saturday, March 3. I spent an hour in prayer, with great freedom, and with the most soft and tender affection towards mankind. I longed that those who owe me ill-will, might be eternally happy: it seemed refreshing, to think of meeting them in heaven, how much soever they had injured me on earth: I had no disposition to insist upon any confession from them, in order to reconciliation, and the exercise of love and kindness to them. O it is an emblem of heaven, to love all the world with a love of kindness and benevolence; to feel our souls sedate, mild and meek; to be void of all evil-surmisings and suspicions, scarce able to think evil of any man; to find our hearts, simple, open and free, to those that look upon us with a different eye.
*Lord’s-day, March 4. I enjoyed the same intenseness in prayer as yesterday, felt the same spirit of love, universal benevolence, forgiveness, humility, resignation, mortification to the world, and composure of mind. “My soul rested in God;” and I found, I wanted no other refuge or friend. While my soul thus trusts in God, all things seem to be at peace with me, even the stones of the earth; but when I cannot confide in God, all things appear with a different aspect.
*Saturday, March 10. I felt exceeding dead to the world, and all its enjoyments: I was ready to give up life and all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had as much comfortof life as almost ever I had. Life itself appeared but an empty bubble; the riches, honours, and enjoyments of it extremely tasteless. I longed to be perpetually and entirelycrucifiedto all things here below. My soul was sweetly resigned to God’s disposal of me, in every regard; and I saw, there had nothing happened to me but what was best for me. I confided in God, that he would “never leave me,” though I should “walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” It was “my meat and drink to be holy, to live to the Lord, and to die to the Lord.” And I then enjoyed such an heaven, as far exceeded the most sublime conceptions of an unregenerate soul; and even unspeakably beyond what I myself could conceive at another time. I did not wonder, that Peter said, “Lord it is good to be here,” when thus refreshed with divine glories. My soul was full of love and tenderness in the duty of intercession; especially of sweet affection to some godly ministers. I prayed earnestly for those I have reason to fear are my enemies; and could not have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought, against the vilest man living. I had a sense of my own great unworthiness. My soul seemed to breathe forth love and praise to God afresh, when I thought he would let his children love and receive me as one of their brethren and fellow-citizens; and when I thought of their treating me in that manner, I longed to lie at their feet;and could think of no way to express the sincerity and simplicity of my love and esteem of them, as being much better than myself.—I longed to get on my knees, and ask forgiveness of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss in my past conduct, especially in myreligious zeal.
Lord’s-day, March 11. I had some freedom, affection, and fervency in addressing my poor people; longing that God should take hold of their hearts. And indeed I had so much to say to them, that I knew not how to leave off speaking.¹
¹This was the last Sabbath that ever he performed public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever he preached there.
¹This was the last Sabbath that ever he performed public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever he preached there.
¹This was the last Sabbath that ever he performed public service at Kaunaumeek, and these the last sermons that ever he preached there.
Monday, March 12. My spirit was full of quietness, and love to mankind; and I longed that peace should reign on the earth: I was grieved at the very thoughts of afiery, angry, andintemperatezeal in religion; mourned over my past follies; and confided in God for grace sufficient for my future work and trials.—Spent the day mainly in hard labour, making preparation for my intended journey.
Wednesday, March 14. I enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer, repeating my petitions for God’s presence in every place, and besought the Lord that I might not be too much pleased with my dear friends and acquaintance. Near ten I set out on my journey, and before night came to Stockbridge.
Thursday, March 15. I rode down to Sheffield. Here I met a messenger from East-Hampton on Long-Island; who by the unanimous vote of that large town, was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle with that people; I knew not what to do; but endeavoured to commit the cause to God.
[The two next days, he went no farther than Salisbury, being hindered by the rain. When he came there, he was much indisposed.—He speaks of comfortable and profitable conversation with Christian friends, on these days.]
Lord’s day, March 18. [At Salisbury] I was exceeding weak and faint, so that I could scarce walk: but God was pleased to afford me much freedom, clearness, and fervency in preaching.—Here another messenger met me, and informed me of the vote of another congregation, to give me an invitation to come among them. I was something exercised in mind. O that God would “send forth faithful labourers into his harvest!”
[After this, he went forward on his journey towards New-York and New-Jersey: in which he proceeded slowly; performing his journey under great bodily indisposition. However, he preached several times by the way, in which he had considerable assistance: he speaks of comfort in conversation with Christian friends; but yet complains of a decline of vivacity, by means of his constant removal from place to place, and wantof retirement. He came to New-York on Wednesday, March 28, and to Elisabeth-Town on the Saturday following, where it seems he waited till the commissioners came together.]
Thursday, April 5. I attended on the commissioners in their meeting,¹and resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if divine providence permitted; although I had before felt some inclination to go to East-Hampton.²
¹The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, andMr.Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly underMr.Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners; who met at Elisabeth-Town, on this occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.²By the invitationsMr.Brainerd lately received, it appears that it♦was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle among the English, that he was determined to forsake all outward comforts, and to go and spend his life among the brutish savages. He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, an earnest invitation to a settlement at East-Hampton on Long-Island, the fairest, pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of it. Besides he had an invitation to Millington; which was near his native town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor didMr.Brainerd chuse the business of a missionary, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service: for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and winter: having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, a train of outward and inward sorrows. Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on; and that although the place he was now going to, was at a much greater distance from most of his friends, acquaintance, and native land.♦“was” replaced with “was not” per Errata
¹The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, andMr.Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly underMr.Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners; who met at Elisabeth-Town, on this occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.
¹The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, andMr.Brainerd having now been labouring among them about a year, and having prevailed upon them to leave Kaunaumeek, and remove to Stockbridge, to live constantly underMr.Sergeant’s ministry; he thought he might now do more service for Christ among the Indians elsewhere: and therefore went this journey to New-Jersey to lay the matter before the commissioners; who met at Elisabeth-Town, on this occasion, and determined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to the Delaware Indians.
²By the invitationsMr.Brainerd lately received, it appears that it♦was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle among the English, that he was determined to forsake all outward comforts, and to go and spend his life among the brutish savages. He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, an earnest invitation to a settlement at East-Hampton on Long-Island, the fairest, pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of it. Besides he had an invitation to Millington; which was near his native town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor didMr.Brainerd chuse the business of a missionary, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service: for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and winter: having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, a train of outward and inward sorrows. Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on; and that although the place he was now going to, was at a much greater distance from most of his friends, acquaintance, and native land.
²By the invitationsMr.Brainerd lately received, it appears that it♦was not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle among the English, that he was determined to forsake all outward comforts, and to go and spend his life among the brutish savages. He had, just as he was leaving Kaunaumeek, an earnest invitation to a settlement at East-Hampton on Long-Island, the fairest, pleasantest town on the whole island, and one of its largest and most wealthy parishes. The people there were unanimous in their desires to have him for their pastor, and for a long time continued in an earnest pursuit of it. Besides he had an invitation to Millington; which was near his native town, and in the midst of his friends. Nor didMr.Brainerd chuse the business of a missionary, rather than accept of those invitations, because he was unacquainted with the difficulties and sufferings which attended such a service: for he had had experience of these difficulties in summer and winter: having spent about a twelvemonth in a lonely desert among these savages, where he had gone through extreme hardships, a train of outward and inward sorrows. Notwithstanding all these things, he chose still to go on; and that although the place he was now going to, was at a much greater distance from most of his friends, acquaintance, and native land.
♦“was” replaced with “was not” per Errata
♦“was” replaced with “was not” per Errata
[After this, he continued two or three days in♦the Jerseys, very ill; and then returned to New-York; and from thence into New-England, to his native town of Haddam; where he arrived on Saturday, April 14.]
♦“he” replaced with “the”
♦“he” replaced with “the”
♦“he” replaced with “the”
*Tuesday, April 17. I found more of God’s presence, than I have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternity appeared very near; my nature was very weak, and seemed ready to be dissolved; the sun declining, and the shadows of the evening drawing on a pace. O I longed to fill up the remaining moments all for God! Though my body was so feeble, and wearied with preaching, and private conversation, yet I wanted to sit up all the night to do something for God. To God, the giver of these refreshments, be glory for ever and ever.
[After this, he visited several ministers in Connecticut; and then travelled towards Kaunaumeek, and came toMr.Sergeant’s at Stockbridge, Thursday, April 26.]
Friday and Saturday, April 27, and 28. I spent some time in discoursing with my people, who were now moved down from their own place toMr.Sergeant’s.
Monday, April 30. I rode to Kaunaumeek,but was extremely ill; and did not enjoy the comfort I hoped for in my own house.
Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to go to the Indians on Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and my people here being mostly removed toMr.Sergeant’s, I this day took all my clothes, books,&c.and disposed of them, and set out for Delaware river: but made it my way to return toMr.♦Sergeant’s; which I did this day, just at night. I rode several hours in the rain through the howling wilderness, although I was so disordered in body, that little or nothing but blood came from me.
♦“Serjeant’s” replaced with “Sergeant’s”
♦“Serjeant’s” replaced with “Sergeant’s”
♦“Serjeant’s” replaced with “Sergeant’s”
Tuesday, May 8. I spent much of my time, while riding, in prayer, that God would go with me to Delaware. My heart sometimes was ready to sink with the thoughts of my work, and going alone in the wilderness, I knew not where: but still it was comfortable, to think, that others of God’s children had “wandered about in caves and dens of the earth:” and Abraham, when he was called to go forth, “went out, not knowing whither he went.”
[The next day, he went forward on his journey; crossed Hudson’s river, and went to Goshen in the Highlands; and so travelled across the woods, from Hudson’s river to Delaware, about an hundred miles, through a desolate and hideous country, above New-Jersey; where were very few settlements: in which journey he suffered much fatigue and hardship. He visitedsome Indians in the way,¹and discoursed with them concerning Christianity, but was melancholy and disconsolate, being alone in a strange wilderness. On Saturday, he came to a settlement of Irish and Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks of Delaware.]
¹SeeMr.Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter toMr.Pemberton.
¹SeeMr.Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter toMr.Pemberton.
¹SeeMr.Brainerd’s Narrative, in a letter toMr.Pemberton.
On May 10. I met with a number of Indians in a place called Minnissinks, about an hundred and forty miles from Kaunaumeek, and directly in my way to Delaware river. With these Indians I spent some time, and first addressed theirkingin a friendly manner; and after some discourse, I told him I had a desire to instruct them inChristianity. At which he laughed, turned his back upon me, and went away. I then addressed anotherprincipalman in the same manner, who said he was willing to hear me. After some time, I followed thekinginto his house, and renewed my discourse to him: but he declined talking, and left the affair to another, who appeared to be a rational man. He talked very warmly near a quarter of an hour, and inquired why I desired the Indians to becomeChristians, seeing the Christians were so much worse than the Indians? The Christians, he said, would lie, steal, and drink, worse than the Indians. It wastheyfirst taught the Indians to be drunk; andtheystole from one another, to that degree, that their rulers were obliged to hang them for it, and that was not sufficient to deter others from the likepractice. But the Indians, he added, were none of them ever hanged for stealing, and yet they did not steal half so much; and he supposed that if the Indians should become Christians, they then would be as bad as these. He added, they would live as theirfatherslived, and go where theirfatherswere when they died. I then freelyowned, lamented, and joined with him incondemningthe ill conduct of some who are calledChristians; told him, these were notChristiansinheart; that I hated such wicked practices, and did not desire the Indians to become such as these.—And when he appeared calmer, I asked him if he was willing that I should come and see them again: he replied, he should be willing to see me again, as afriend, if I would not desire them to becomeChristians.—I then bid them farewell, and prosecuted my journey towards Delaware. And May13thI arrived at a place called by the Indians, Sakhauwotung, within the Forks of Delaware in Pennsylvania.
Here also when I came to the Indians, I saluted their king, in a manner I thought most engaging: and soon after informed him of my desire to instruct them in theChristian religion. After he had consulted a few minutes with two or three old men, he told me, he was willing to hear. I then preached to those few that were present; who appeared very attentive. And the king in particular seemed both to wonder, and at the same time to be well pleased withwhat I taught them, respecting the divine being. And since that time he has ever shewn himself friendly to me, giving me free liberty to preach in his house whenever I think fit.—Here therefore I spent the greater part of the summer, preaching usually in the king’s house.
The number of Indians in this place is but small; most of those that formerly belonged here, are removed farther back in the country. There are not more than ten houses hereabouts, that continue to be inhabited; and some of these are several miles distant from others, which makes it difficult for the Indians to meet together so frequently as could be desired.
When I first began to preach here, the number ofhearerswas very small; often not exceeding twenty or twenty-five persons: but towards the latter part of the summer, their number increased, so that I have frequently had forty persons, or more, at once: and often the most of those belonging to these parts.
Lord’s-day, May 13. I rose early; felt very poorly after my long journey, and after being wet and fatigued. I had scarce ever seen such a gloomy morning in my life: there appeared to be noSabbath: the children were all at play; I a stranger in the wilderness, and knew not where to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render my affairs dark and discouraging. I mourned after the presence of God, and seemed like a creature banished from his sight! Yet hewas pleased to support my sinking soul, amidst all my sorrows; so that I never entertained any thought of quitting my business among the poor Indians; but was comforted, to think, that death would ere long set me free from these distresses.—I rode about three or four miles to the Irish people, where I found some that appeared sober and concerned about religion. My heart then began to be a little encouraged: I went and preached first to the Irish, and then to the Indians: and in the evening I was a little comforted; my soul seemed to rest on God and take courage. O that the Lord would be my support and comforter in an evil world!
Monday, May 14. I felt myself loose from all the world; all appeared “vanity and vexation of spirit.” I seemed lonesome, as if I was banished from all mankind, and bereaved of all that is called pleasant in the world; but appeared to myself so vile and unworthy, it seemed fitter for me to be here than anywhere.
Thursday, May 17. I was greatly distressed with a sense of my vileness; appearing to myself too bad to walk on God’s earth. God was pleased to let me see my inward pollution to such a degree, that I almost despaired of being made holy. In the afternoon I met with the Indians, according to appointment, and preached to them. And while riding to them, I seemed to confide in God; and afterwards had some enlargement inprayer; vital piety and holiness appeared sweet to me, and I longed for the perfection of it.
Lord’s-day, May 20. I preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyed some freedom in speaking. My soul longed for assistance from above, all the while; for I saw I had no strength for that work. Afterwards I preached to the Irish people; and several seemed much concerned, with whom I discoursed afterwards with freedom and power. Blessed be God for any assistance to an unworthy worm.
Lord’s-day, May 27. I visited my Indians in the morning, and attending upon afuneralamong them, was affected to see theirHeathenish practices. O that they might be “turned from darkness to light!” Afterwards I got a considerable number of them together, and preached to them; and observed them very attentive. I then preached to the white people, and several seemed much concerned; especially one who had been educated a Roman catholic. Blessed be the Lord for any help.
Monday, June 11. This day thepresbyterymet at Newark, in order to myordination. I was very weak and disordered in body; yet endeavoured to repose my confidence in God. At three in the afternoon I preached my probation-sermon, from Actsxxvi.17, 18, being a text given me for that end. Afterwards I passed an examination before thepresbytery. My mindwas burdened with the greatness of that charge I was about to take upon me: so that I could not sleep this night, though very weary and in great need of rest.
Tuesday, June 12. I was this morning further examined, respecting my experimental acquaintance with Christianity. At ten o’clock myordinationwas attended. I was affected with a sense of the important trust committed to me; yet was composed, and solemn, without distraction: and I then (as many times before) gave myself up to God, to be for him, and not for another. O that I might always♦be engaged in the service of God, and duly remember the solemn charge I have received, in the presence of God, angels, and men.
♦“he” replaced with “be”
♦“he” replaced with “be”
♦“he” replaced with “be”