“Long have I sat beneath the soundOf thy salvation Lord,But still how weak my faith is found,And knowledge of thy word.”Lord let it be no longer so with me, but may I now bear fruit to thy glory.Tuesday 4. We were called up at half an hour after one, and at a quarter past two, set out on our journey toChester. When we came nearLancaster, our coachman had like twice to have overturned us. At seven we breakfasted there, at one dined atPreston, and at nine in the evening reachedMr.A——shouse inWarrington. We soon got to bed truly fatigued, and I slept till six in the morning without ever waking, or moving out of the posture I lay myself in when I went to bed. About eight on Wednesday morning, we set out again, and had a delightful journey the rest of the way toChester, where we arrived about noon. In the afternoon we took a walk round the walls. You have here an extensive prospect of a fine open country, far unlike the barrenKendalmountains. We then walked to the dock, and from thence to the preaching-house.Mr.G——dpreached onMatthewix.22.Daughter be of good comfort,&c.I found my soul humbled under a sense of my own vileness,and fixed a resolution to set out a fresh in the narrow way of holiness, if the Lord will give me strength; for without he does, all my resolutions will be in vain.Sunday 9.Mr.G——dpreached, met the society and spoke to the children. I found my soul blest. O may it be a lasting blessing, and not like a guest which tarrieth but a day.Monday 10. In the afternoon we went to see the infirmary. Everything is neat and clean about it. I found a thankfulness to God, that he had kept me from all these disorders that others have. O may my life be singularly good, as he has been so singularly merciful to me. I experience mercies that very few others have; which it would be almost impossible to enumerate. How few have such parents, who from my earliest days have instructed me how to fear and love God! How many are tortured with broken limbs, and deprived of their sight, whilst I am preserved from all these, and kept in health, strength, and the full exercise of my reason. Many more mercies I am indebted for to my gracious Benefactor; how truly may I say,“Not more than others I deserve,Yet God hath given me more,For I have food whilst others starve,Or beg from door to door.”Thursday 13. In the afternoon I set out with my uncle, aunt,Mrs.L——, and some otherfriends, to go to a little village calledCrislington, about two miles out of the town, where my uncle was to preach. We had a very pleasant walk, and went to see the delightfullest, though oddest contrived garden that I ever saw. The owner of it is the Rector of that place, but one would think by the manner of his laying it out, that he had very little else to think of. Some part of it represents a field of battle, a general’s tent, with cannons all round it, a mount, a tower, a draw-bridge, and every thing to resemble a camp of soldiers. The other parts of the garden are laid out in the same peculiar taste.Tuesday 18. At private prayers in the morning, I had power to pray particularly against my besetting sins, and blessed be God, I do in some measure overcome them. Indeed he is a God, both hearing and answering prayer. In the afternoon we had a deal of company, and they being good singers, past away the time very agreeably.Mr.B——tpersuaded my aunt,Mrs.L——, MissH——and myself to go to his class, which we did upon his promising not to speak to us. I like his manner much, and I think I was profited by it.Friday 21. In the evening I went to the chapel; there was no preaching, but a private meeting. Having been much refreshed, especially in the singing that hymnWrestling Jacob, I had no reason to repent going. My desires were much enlargedafter God, with a hatred to sin. O that I may indeed forsake it, and hate it as deadly poison!Sunday 23. In the morning we went to the new chapel.Mr.H——opened it, his text was in2 Chroniclesvi.41.Let thy Priests O Lord God, be cloathed with salvation, and let thy saints rejoice in goodness.He concluded with saying, that as God had given us a more convenient place to worship him in, we ought in gratitude to let our lives and conversations be more exemplary than ever before.Monday 24, and Tuesday 25. I spent most part of these days in retirement, my mind was much composed, and my thoughts stayed on the things of God.Wednesday 26. This afternoon we came to our own house. I spent the evening in a little room by myself. I found enlargement in prayer, and my soul much blest.Thursday 27. When I retired in the morning to private prayer, I experienced great power and sweetness in the duty. My mind was kept in a serious frame, till I went out of my chamber, when I gave way to fretting. O how many temptations are we liable to! And while we endeavour to shun one, we often fall into another. When I avoid levity, I too often fall into fretting. We have need to have the wisdom of the serpent with the harmlessness of the dove.Friday 28, and Saturday 29. Were spent comfortably.I had great sweetness in prayer, and much of the spirit of it.Sunday 30. I tasted the good word of God in reading the11thchapter of theHebrews. O how much did those excellent ones of the earth endure for their blessed Master, while I who have every means of encouragement I can desire, (and far more than I deserve) am careless and supine in working out my own salvation. But since thou hast convinced me of my error, O Lord, do thou help me to amend it, and let me now turn to thee, with all my heart and soul.Tuesday, July 2, and Wednesday 3. Both these days I was ill and in violent pain. On Thursday morning I endeavoured to look to God, and was relieved. O how good is he to me, the unworthiest of his creatures. Lord give me a thankful heart. I was hindered going to preaching all this week, by reason of a violent cold. But if that was sanctified, I have need to be thankful, and to bless God for afflicting me.Saturday 20. Tho’ I was very busy all the morning, my mind was kept in a serious praying frame. Lord make me truly thankful for this mercy!Sunday 21. We went toSt.John’s church. I found my soul blest at the sacrament, and felt an earnest desire for faith. O may it always continue! “Lord give me faith;” Be all my cry; and he that gives me the desire, will fulfil it.Wednesday 24. In the evening we wentdown to my auntB——s, where we parted with my dear friend MissH——. I was much concerned at taking leave, but I comforted myself with the hope of seeing her soon again: if we should not meet again in this vale of tears, may we meet where crying, and pain, and death are over.Tuesday 30. I was in a lukewarm frame all the day, but in the evening as my uncle and others were speaking their states to one another, I could scarce help shedding tears, to think I had made so little use of all the means I enjoy. When I came up to bed, I found a great earnestness for faith, which I prayed for with something of a confidence that I should receive, till unbelief stept in: then I thought I had not repented enough, had not forsaken my sins long enough, and at last I yielded, rose from my knees, and lost the blessing which I might have received, had I held on. May I learn more wisdom for the future, and when I get such a precious moment, improve it, and not so shamefully yield to the enemy of my soul.Sunday, August 4. I went to church, and was much blest, particularly at the sacrament.Friday 16. We had the pleasure of theRev.Mr.John Wesley’s company to tea, and in the evening he preached on2 Corinthiansvi.2.Now is the accepted time: now is the day of salvation.Sunday 18. In the morningMr.Wesleypreached onMarkix.23. My soul was exceedinglyblest. He seemed to speak as exactly to my state, as if I had mentioned it to him. He answered every objection that has oftentimes occurred to my mind against believing, and then gave me encouragement to come to Christ, and believe in him. But when I came home, my mind was much hurried, so that I lost the blessing I had received. O! how unfaithful have I hitherto been, to the manifold favours God has bestowed on me! Lord pardon the past, and make me more faithful for the future.Monday 19. I was much disordered with a violent cold in my head, and so I continued all Tuesday and Wednesday, that I scarce could read, or pray, or do any thing else, as I would have done. But praised be God, my mind was kept in a sweet composed frame, and I had much of the spirit of prayer. O the goodness of God to me, the most unworthy of his creatures! Me, who have so often sinned against him! Lord write the law of gratitude on my heart! On Wednesday our class met for the first time. Altho’ it was something of a cross, I experienced the goodness of God.Wednesday 28. In the evening our class met again: thanks be to God, I was in a composed frame, and had my mind stayed on him; as indeed it had been all the day, and all the week.Thursday 29. In the afternoon we went withMr.andMrs.B——ttoEatonby water, to see LordGrosvenor’s seat. We had a parcel of obstinatemen in the boat, who knew nothing of the sea, and yet would have their own way, which rendered what might have been otherwise pleasant, very disagreeable. The gardens are extremely pleasant, and far surpass any thing I have ever seen. My mind was fixt on God, while I was in the boat, and I had such a confidence in him, that I don’t know I felt fear arise once the whole time.Sunday, September 1. At church I felt great earnestness for the blessing.“Author of faith, to thee I liftMy weary, longing eyes:O let me now receive that gift,My soul without it dies.”Wednesday 4. In the evening I was very cold and dead. O my God, let me never give way to a lukewarm spirit, for this of all things, I find hurtful to my soul, and it too often brings on levity, which to me is slow poison. It does not appear heinous as some other sins do, but steals upon me unawares. And when I am once down, it is not an easy matter to rise again. Therefore let me be“Always standing on my guard,And watching unto prayer.”Monday 9. I was much blest this day, and my desires after the blessing much quickened; thanksbe to God. In the evening we went to chapel,Mr.M——preached fromLukevi.19. He is but a young preacher, yet I like him much better than many others, and some parts of the sermon were blest to me.Wednesday 11. At night while I was meeting in class, my soul was much refreshed, and I thought I would not give up that spark, small as it was, for all the world’s riches. And if the foretaste be so sweet, O what must the full enjoyment be? Lord as thou hast given me this desire, O fulfil it! Let me never rest, till I am made a joyful partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light.Thursday 12. Blessed be God my soul was much alive this day also, and I was much quickened under my uncle’s preaching in the evening.Sunday 15. This morningMr.M——smade an exceeding fine discourse uponPhilippiansiii.7.But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss forChrist. My soul was much comforted and encouraged, while he was inviting sinners to come and taste the sweetness that is in Christ, and to forsake all those things, which before we counted gain, in order to partake of those hidden treasures.Monday 17. I was overcome by a trifling spirit, and also gave way to wandering thoughts: for which the Lord in mercy gave me to feel much remorse. While I was at preaching in the evening, He also gave me a fervent desire tolook to that Jesus whom his servant was pointing out to us fromJohniii.14, 15. O that I may ever look to him, to heal the wound which sin has made!“Stung by the scorpion sin;My poor expiring soul,”O that I could add“The balmy sound drank in,And was at once made whole.”I staid at the bands as I could not go home by myself, and my aunt chose to stay. I experienced that it was good for me to be there, for my soul was exceedingly blest. Lord make me truly thankful for this, and all thy other mercies daily conferred upon me, the chief of sinners.Tuesday, October 1. In the evening I found my soul quickened under religious conversation, and continued so all Wednesday and Thursday, having great enlargement in prayer, and free access to the throne; blessed be God.Monday 14. My mind was in a serious frame most part of this day. In the evening we had a comfortable love-feast, at which my soul was much comforted, and found a great wrestling and agonizing for the blessing.Saturday 19. I was rather cold all day, but glory be to God, I had great enlargement in prayer, especially in the evening.Sunday 20.Mr.M——rpreached onMatthewv.22, 26.Agree with thine adversary quickly,&c.He earnestly exhorted and intreated every one to agree with God by forsaking their sins and turning to him, lest he should swear in his wrath, they should not enter into his rest. The word came with power to my soul, and I felt a resolution never to rest, till I had made my peace with God. O may the Lord confirm it, or it will be like the morning cloud.Monday 21. I arose this morning with an earnest desire, and a determination by the grace of God to give myself up to him. O may I never, never rest, till I fully rest in him.Tuesday 22. My soul was in a serious frame, but in the evening I gave so much way to an inordinate desire after a foolish thing, that my mind was quite drawn off from God. When I went to bed, I was greatly humbled, and ashamed on account of it, and I trust I shall never so yield again to the enemy of my soul.Wednesday 30. I was in a very indifferent state all the day, but in the evening in class-meeting I was much quickened, and stirred up by a young person’s giving an account, how she found peace the day before in private prayer. I was, and am still determined by the grace of God never to rest till I also find him whom my soul desires to love. My soul continued much blest all the evening, and I dropt asleep with earnest desires to be brought into that glorious liberty ofthe sons of God. Dearest Jesus, how long will it be before thou wilt manifest thyself to me, as thou dost not unto the world? O come and take up thine abode in my longing heart, and live and reign in me without a rival.Thursday 31. My soul was greatly blest all this day, and my heart much drawn out after God. I also found enlargement in praying for faith. O thou Son of God, do thou now impart to me this great and inestimable blessing, and make me truly happy in thy love. Do thou now arise upon my poor soul with healing in thy wings, and keep me continually.Friday, November 1. I still continued in a comfortable frame, finding a great hunger and thirst for faith. I could truly say from heart-felt experience,“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest,And lo for thee I ever mourn:I cannot, no I will not rest,Till thou my only rest return:Till thou the Prince of peace appear,And I receive the Comforter.”Saturday 2. I found my soul in a very watchful frame, from a great concern I felt upon my conscience for sin, and the fear I had of falling into a careless lukewarm spirit again. Lord do thou always let me retain,“A spirit still prepared,And armed with jealous fear,For ever standing on its guard,And watching unto prayer.”Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins, would pardon them.Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago. When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon him for it, and he has promised,Those that ask shall receive.Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the eveningMr.M——preached onJohnix.25. My soul was exceedingly blest, and I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am not sensible.Sunday 24.Mr.M——epreached in the morning on,Do all to the glory of God. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a creature am I?Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time to come.Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame. O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I findthatan inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful to me, and displeasing to God.Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!Sunday 8. In the morningMr.M——preached onRomansi.17.For the just shall live by faith.My thoughts were wandering under the word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne of grace throughJesusthe Mediator of the new covenant, and to call him,my Lord and my God.Thursday 12. My uncle’s text wasProverbsxxiii.23. During the first part, my mind was pretty much stayed, but towards the latter end it was much drawn off by a thing which probably may never happen. O for a stayed, and composedmind in waiting upon God! Surely it is a great sin to have the mind wandering upon foolish things, when so immediately in the presence of God.Saturday 14. This day, as well as the day before, my body was much disordered. In the evening when I retired, I was humbled under a sense of past mercies received, and my own unfaithfulness to God. Sometimes I am all alive, I am so in earnest, so diligent in the means, and take such delight in them! Then one thing, or another steps in, is yielded to, and deprives me of all my life and earnestness. And though I do not neglect the means, yet how are they hurried over, and how slightly performed! And indeed I am often glad when they are finished. Lord, what is man? What am I? What a poor unstable creature! Lord, quicken me! Make me more alive, more in earnest. Lord make me, and keep me, what I ought, what I want to be.Saturday 21. All this week, I have experienced a stayedness of mind, and a degree of recollection for which I desire to be thankful. But alas! I do not find that earnestness, that hungering and thirsting which I did. Lord what is the cause? O remove it whatever it be! Remove the accursed thing, which separates between thee and my soul. On Saturday night, the Lord was pleased to shew me the thing which had quenched that earnestness, and I am not sensible that I have this week yielded to it. O what a good God isours! He shewed me my sin: he gave me to feel remorse for it, and then imparted power to subdue it. Lord give me a thankful heart.Sunday 22. This morning I was much affected in reading the15thverse of the4thchapter of theHebrews.For we have not an high priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities: for he was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.O what comfortable words, especially when the enemy is pouring in floods of temptation upon us; at such a time how sweet is the meditation upon such words! How comfortable the reflection that our God knows, and not only knows but sympathizes with us in all our afflictions, distresses, and temptations; and will assuredly deliver us out of them! O may this scripture be ever present with my mind, and may it prove a comfort to me in trials, while it also hinders me from yielding to my spiritual enemy, by assuring me that Jesus is ever able and willing to help me.Wednesday 25. I was impressed with a sense of gratitude to God for sending his Son into the world, to be born of a pure virgin, and in a mean manger, and all to rescue me from endless woe. O that my heart may never for one moment, lose the sense of this great and inestimable blessing.*Sunday 29. I was not very well, and stayed at home with my friend MissH——who was in great affliction for the loss of poor, or rather happy littleNed H——. He died of a scarlet-fevera week ago. O that I was as safely landed on the happy shore! But alas! I am still in an evil world, and liable to crosses and temptations: Yea liable to fall from grace when I get it, and perhaps to be lost for ever? Lord preserve me, and when I die, O let me die unto thee.Tuesday 31. The watch-night was to last till half past twelve: but we came home between ten and eleven. I would not go to bed till near twelve, spending the time in prayer and meditation. Lord make me truly thankful for thy mercy, in bringing me to the conclusion of another year, and grant that I may spend the ensuing year to the glory of thy blessed name, through Jesus Christ.Wednesday, January 1. I awoke in a lukewarm state, and though I endeavoured to pray, yet it was not with that life and fervency I desired. O how many have been cut off in the last year, and I am yet upon praying ground! Lord spare me yet another year, and O let it be spent so, as will shew my gratitude to thee, for this undeserved mercy.Thursday 2. I was to my great concern overcome by a trifling spirit. O how is it that I am so soon off my watch, that the enemy so frequently gets the better! O God give me, I beseech thee for thy Son’s sake, a recollected, serious, praying spirit.Friday 3. My soul was in a more recollectedframe than the foregoing day. Lord make me thankful even for this mercy.Saturday 4. I continued much in the same state as the day before. In the eveningMr.R——spreached onLamentationsiii.22.It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.Had it not been for this, Lord where should I and all the rebellious sons ofAdam, have been at this day?*Monday 6. I found my mind in a serious frame, but it is seldom that it continues. O that God would make me more stable, that I may not be like the sea continually fluctuating, and driven about with every wind of temptation: but like the sun which constantly rises and sets at the appointed times, and never fails to bring a regular succession of day and night, according to the command of that God who made him, when he sent him forth with a commission to rule the day, and to be for signs, and for seasons, for days, and for years.Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is a most burthensome task.Thursday 9. I went to chapel.Mr.R——spreached onPsalmsxxxiv.14.Seek peace and ensue it.The sermon was tedious, and I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not so soon wearyat the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser in their generation, than the children of light.Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion, the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.Saturday 11. At nightMr.M——smade an excellent discourse upon the barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last bear fruit!Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle preached onIsaiahxix.If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land.He said many people were willing enough to be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, whichwas to confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer, and under the word. In the evening, whileMr.M——ewas discoursing on these words,Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity,2 Timothyii.19. I found much enlargement in private prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is not my own fault.Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay. Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day before. I can say mysoul is a thirst for God, even for the living God. I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.Wednesday 22. I still found earnest desires, and my soul to be all on a stretch for God. Lord continue this blessing, till thou impart to me that which my soul desireth, even thy blessed self. Then shall I be possessed of all that is desirable in earth or heaven.*Friday 24. Upon a strict self-examination, I trust, I may say, I have made some progress in the heavenly journey, within this last three months; for these reasons, I find more power over sin, even my besetting sins have not dominion over me. And if thro’ unwatchfulness I yield to them, my heart is broken on account thereof, and I endeavour to be more watchful for the future. I find more delight in the ordinances of God, and a more stayed, composed mind in waiting upon him; and when wandering thoughts assault me, I find power to resist them. I have more power to plead the promises in prayer; my desires are more earnest, and I have a more watchful spirit during the day: if I deceive myself, the Lord knoweth it is not willingly. I sincerely desire to be tried, and to know the worst of my state. Lord, search well if therebe any way of wickedness in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.Thursday 30. I was rather cold and dead this day. O what is the cause of this instability? Lord shew it to me for Jesus’s sake, tho’ not for mine, and make me in earnest. I found my soul something quickened at night, while my uncle was preaching on these words.Only believe.Markv.36.Friday 31. I was much tempted to fretfulness this morning, but thro’ mercy was restrained from letting it break out into words or actions, thanks be to God for this; as also that I found a degree of liberty in prayer.Monday, February 3. When I awoke this morning, I found an earnest desire to spend the day to the glory of God. I soon found myself stripped of all my strength, and a trifling spirit prevailed over me. Lord, I bring this besetting sin to thee. Thou knowest ’tis my grief, my burden. Lord give me power over it.Saturday 8. All this week I have been hindered going to chapel by reason of a bad cold. And as to the state of my soul, I know not what to say. Sometimes I have been groaning under my unbelief; sometimes cold and dead, yet I find a hope left, that I, even I, shall yet rejoice in the God of my salvation: that I shall find his favour, and taste an earnest of eternal bliss;Amen, Lord Jesus. But Lord make me in earnest, make mealive to thee. I cannot bear this instability, this halting between two opinions. Lord, I am convinced thou art God, O then let me serve thee.Sunday 9. This morning being hindered attending the public means, I spent some time in private, and I found the Lord was willing to hear and answer prayer, for he enlarged my heart in that duty, and enabled me to pray with life and fervency; blessed be his name.Sunday 16. This day I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty, and my mind was in some measure staid on God. O for an heart to praise and love him for this, and all his mercies! The rest of the week I found my soul blest at different times, with a desire to wait upon God in private: it was profitable to me: which indeed I need never doubt, seeing he has promised that they that wait upon him shall renew their strength.Friday 28. When I awoke this morning, I felt a thankfulness to God for safely bringing me to see the end of my fifteenth year, and for an earnest desire to spend the remainder of a short life to his glory. How time flies? It was but the other day since I was but a little infant, utterly unable to help myself: in this tender state the Lord provided me good parents and kind friends, whose constant care it has been, to train me up for heaven, and to dedicate me to him betimes. Now I am come to years of reason, should itnot be my one endeavour, my constant aim to glorify God in my body and in my spirit, which are his by creation and redemption, as also by the early dedication which my dear parents made of me to him? Should I not from my heart ratify and confirm by my own act and deed, that which they promised on my behalf? Lord I am willing, I am truly willing so to do.JesusLord lend me thine aid, and I will devote myself to thee, body, soul, and spirit, a living sacrifice. Lend me thine aid, and I will take thee for my prophet, to teach me; my priest to atone for my sins, and my king to reign over me. Come dear Lord, and take me for thine own? Thine in time, and thine to eternity.Monday, March 3. This week I have been confined by a severe cold, however I have not been remiss in private duties, though I have found little life in them. A sort of stupidity has overspread my mind, which has made me unfit for any duty. This I can account for no other way than by my disorder, which always throws me into this dull frame. O how this vile body weighs down the soul! How happy are those who are delivered from it!Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mindvery wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God, when shall I be worthy?Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but my old companion coldness returned in the evening.Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a right use of these privileges!Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.Wednesday, April 2. TheRev.Mr.Wesleygave us his company to tea, and afterwardspreached onRomansviii.33, 34. I found my mind very wandering. The next evening he preached again onJohnv.8, 9. Jesussaith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk. I found a blessing this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is ours!Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God, what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I find him not. I was also much blest in the evening whileMr.Wesleywas preaching on these words,Johnxvii.3.This is eternal life,&c.Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord, thou hast said, Icame not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy mercy’s sake!“No need of thee the righteous have,Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”I found the word very sweet in the evening whileMr.Wesleywas inforcing the words,Matthewix.5.Whether is it easier to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?Sunday 6. This morning I found my desires very earnest for the blessing, whileMr.Wesleywas preaching onIsaiahxxxv.8.And a highway shall be there, and a way,&c.And also afterwards while he was adminstring the sacrament. In the evening I was again encouraged to come to the Lord, whileMr.Wesleywas inviting us tocome and drink of the water of life freely, but still I had not power to accept the invitation. We afterwards had a comfortable love-feast.Sunday 13. I arose pretty early and went to the preaching. I afterwards found great sweetness, in meditating on the love of God to sinners, and his willingness to receive them upon their sincere repentance, as also in private prayer.Wednesday 16. All this day I was very melancholy, which was chiefly occasioned by recollecting the sorrowful scene I saw that day two-years; when I had the last sight of those whom I love as my own soul. O how many unforeseen events have happened in that time! Some of them have been very trying to me, and made me repent leaving my native land: yet now I see they were all working together for my good, and I trust I have no cause to repent, seeing my soul has much prospered since I have been at this place, whereas I did not gain, but rather lostground, while I was inLondonandKendal. How wisely does God order all things for the benefit of his poor undeserving creatures: and how ungrateful are we, not to render him the tribute of an heart and life devoted to his service!Friday 18.Mr.M——kept a watch-night and preached on these alarming words.At midnight there was a cry made: Behold the bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him.Matthewxxv.6. I found my soul much blest under one of his prayers. O may I have oil in my lamp when the bridegroom comes that I may not be shut out with thefoolish virgins, but enter with the wise into the joy of my Lord.Sunday 20. This morningMr.R——preached on those comfortable words of our Lord’sHim that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out.Johnvi.37. I found myself much encouraged to come to the Lord, especially when he was inviting the young to come, and close in with Jesus.Tuesday 22. This day I found great backwardness to private duty, but was enabled to break through and found the Lord as good as his word,They that wait uponhimshall renew their strength.Wednesday 23. I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty this day, and was in a measure blest, while meeting my class in the evening. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how backward am I so to do!Friday 25. I found myself much grieved upon account of having given way to levity. O how prone am I to this evil! Lord, help me against it, or I fear it will sink me lower than the grave. I spent my evening comfortably, and I trust profitably in reading thebook of martyrs. O what did they go through for the sake of their Lord! While I cannot take up the least cross without murmuring.Saturday 26. This day I found great enlargement in praying for my friends and relations, as also for the whole world, and for my own poor soul. Lord, help me ever to continue herein.“Help me to believe, obey;Help me to repent and love;Help me to take the blessing given,Help me quite from hell to heaven.”Sunday 27.Mr.M——spreached onMatthewxi.20, 30.Take my yoke upon you,&c.O what would I not give to be enabled so to do! But alas as yet I am like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. O Lord, help me this day to take thy sweet yoke upon me, and learn of thee, for I am truly convinced that till then, I shall never find rest to my poor soul. I have no objections to make, take me as I am, and let me be thine for ever.“Take my body, spirit, soul,Only thou possess the whole.”Thursday 29. I went to five o’clock preaching. As I went my heart was raised to God, that he would please to bless his word to my soul; and indeedMr.M——gave a very profitable discourse onEphesiansvi.10. Lord, help me so to put on the whole armour of God, that I may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.Wednesday 30. I found my heart much broken on account of sin this evening in meeting my class. Lord, give me a broken and contrite heart, for such thou wilt not despise.Thursday, May 1. Going a little earlier than usual to preaching, I took out my little bible, and found a peculiar sweetness in reading thelv.chapter ofIsaiah.Friday 2. I found great sweetness in reading and prayer. O for a watchful spirit to keep it.Saturday 3. I had a great seriousness and solemnity upon my mind this morning, which continued all day, (blessed be God.)Sunday 4. I was much cast down by hearing that my poor papa was in a bad state of health; but was comforted by this consideration, that if I made God my father and my friend, nothing but my own unfaithfulness could ever separate me from him.Monday 5. I rose this morning with a desireto spend the day to his glory, and blessed be his name, he did enable me to keep a recollected spirit, and also to seek him in his appointed ways, in doing which I found great sweetness.Wednesday 7. I was disappointed going to preaching, which was a cross to me at first; but I was so blest while meeting my class, that the loss was abundantly made up; my heart was softened and melted for my past offences, and at the same time a comfortable hope sprung up, that the Lord would have mercy even upon me.Friday 9, and Saturday 10. I can’t say, that I found my soul so much blest those two days, as it had been the two preceding. What is the cause I know not, but whatever it is, I trust the Lord will discover it to me, and remove it. On Saturday evening I was greatly shocked at the melancholy account of the death of two of my uncles; and Satan strongly suggested that my dear Papa would soon follow. This hindered me from sleeping great part of the night. Every such alarming providence should loudly sound in our ears,Be ye also ready, for at such an hour as ye think not, the Son of man cometh.Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfortin the consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness. Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused, that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God. But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips, while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to do better for the future.Thursday 22. This morning I went to my auntB——s, where I spent the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle was preaching onJohni.11, 12.He came unto his own, but his own received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power to becomethe sons of God.O would he now himself impart, that I may become the child of God.Sunday 25. In the eveningMr.M——made a sweet Discourse onActsxvi.30.Sirs, what must I do to be saved?Indeed I thought I had power to believe, I found the blessing nigh; but O my faithless heart drew back and lost the precious pearl. Unbelief again prevailed and left me helpless, but blessed be God, not a hopeless sinner. I still have a hope, and I trust it is not the hope of an hypocrite.Thursday 29. This day I was much beset by wandring thoughts, and to my grief and shame, yielded but too much to them. How long shall vain thoughts, which are often the forerunners of vain words, lodge within me. O for power to resist and overcome!Saturday 31. I found great power this day over that evil, with which I have been so much beset, blessed be God.Sunday,June 1. This morning my soul was in a measure blest whileMr.R——swas shewing how we had destroyed ourselves, fromHoseaxiii.9. He had not time to shew us where our help lay: but blessed be God, he has shewed this to me. May I seek for it where it only can be found. In the evening I was stirred up to ask the blessing, and I trust with some importunity.Monday 2. This morning my soul was exceedingly blest whileMrs.L——was speaking to me, encouraging me to come, and lay hold ofthe blessing, assuring me, that even now the Lord was willing to impart it. My desires were also very strong in the afternoon; although I was in company, and the conversation not very edifying; (so gracious was the Lord to me.)Tuesday 3. I found my soul exceedingly blest this day, especially in the evening: such hope and confidence I had that the Lord would reveal himself that I had no doubt of it, and such a sweet calm was upon my spirit till I went to bed as I never experienced before. I was also greatly encouraged by accidentally opening the bible upon these words,Then shall we know if we follow on to know theLord. Amen! Let it be according to thy word, Lord Jesus.Wednesday 4. I experienced a measure of the same confidence as the night before. Lord continue it, and also increase it, so that I may never doubt more.Thursday 5. I was not altogether in such a sweet frame as the two preceding days; nevertheless my mind was stayed on God, and my desires earnest for the blessing, while my uncle was discoursing upon these words,Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.Lukexiii.5.Friday 6. My mind was distracted with wandering thoughts, but the gracious Lord soon gathered them in again, and I experienced a sweet calm upon my spirit, and liberty in prayer.Sunday 8. I went to church expecting the Sacrament, but there being none, we had a sermononGalatiansvi.9. It was a very pretty discourse, shewing what well-doing was; but nothing of a change of heart was mentioned. O, thought I, how many may go thus far, and perish at last. Lord, let me not be one of this number.Monday 9. This afternoon we set out forEatonto see LordGrosvenor’s gardens; they are the most elegant and pleasant I ever saw. I do not find the sight of such things to draw my mind from God: but am rather led to meditate on the vanity of all worldly enjoyments, and to desire to have substantial pleasures, even those which are at God’s right-hand. The rest of the week, my mind was in much confusion, by reason of removing; but still I have found power to be constant in private duty, and to resist all temptations to the contrary. By thus doing I was enabled to keep a greater watch over my words, and thoughts, and to avoid my♦besetting evil, levity. O Lord, make me truly thankful.
“Long have I sat beneath the soundOf thy salvation Lord,But still how weak my faith is found,And knowledge of thy word.”
“Long have I sat beneath the soundOf thy salvation Lord,But still how weak my faith is found,And knowledge of thy word.”
“Long have I sat beneath the sound
Of thy salvation Lord,
But still how weak my faith is found,
And knowledge of thy word.”
Lord let it be no longer so with me, but may I now bear fruit to thy glory.
Tuesday 4. We were called up at half an hour after one, and at a quarter past two, set out on our journey toChester. When we came nearLancaster, our coachman had like twice to have overturned us. At seven we breakfasted there, at one dined atPreston, and at nine in the evening reachedMr.A——shouse inWarrington. We soon got to bed truly fatigued, and I slept till six in the morning without ever waking, or moving out of the posture I lay myself in when I went to bed. About eight on Wednesday morning, we set out again, and had a delightful journey the rest of the way toChester, where we arrived about noon. In the afternoon we took a walk round the walls. You have here an extensive prospect of a fine open country, far unlike the barrenKendalmountains. We then walked to the dock, and from thence to the preaching-house.Mr.G——dpreached onMatthewix.22.Daughter be of good comfort,&c.I found my soul humbled under a sense of my own vileness,and fixed a resolution to set out a fresh in the narrow way of holiness, if the Lord will give me strength; for without he does, all my resolutions will be in vain.
Sunday 9.Mr.G——dpreached, met the society and spoke to the children. I found my soul blest. O may it be a lasting blessing, and not like a guest which tarrieth but a day.
Monday 10. In the afternoon we went to see the infirmary. Everything is neat and clean about it. I found a thankfulness to God, that he had kept me from all these disorders that others have. O may my life be singularly good, as he has been so singularly merciful to me. I experience mercies that very few others have; which it would be almost impossible to enumerate. How few have such parents, who from my earliest days have instructed me how to fear and love God! How many are tortured with broken limbs, and deprived of their sight, whilst I am preserved from all these, and kept in health, strength, and the full exercise of my reason. Many more mercies I am indebted for to my gracious Benefactor; how truly may I say,
“Not more than others I deserve,Yet God hath given me more,For I have food whilst others starve,Or beg from door to door.”
“Not more than others I deserve,Yet God hath given me more,For I have food whilst others starve,Or beg from door to door.”
“Not more than others I deserve,
Yet God hath given me more,
For I have food whilst others starve,
Or beg from door to door.”
Thursday 13. In the afternoon I set out with my uncle, aunt,Mrs.L——, and some otherfriends, to go to a little village calledCrislington, about two miles out of the town, where my uncle was to preach. We had a very pleasant walk, and went to see the delightfullest, though oddest contrived garden that I ever saw. The owner of it is the Rector of that place, but one would think by the manner of his laying it out, that he had very little else to think of. Some part of it represents a field of battle, a general’s tent, with cannons all round it, a mount, a tower, a draw-bridge, and every thing to resemble a camp of soldiers. The other parts of the garden are laid out in the same peculiar taste.
Tuesday 18. At private prayers in the morning, I had power to pray particularly against my besetting sins, and blessed be God, I do in some measure overcome them. Indeed he is a God, both hearing and answering prayer. In the afternoon we had a deal of company, and they being good singers, past away the time very agreeably.Mr.B——tpersuaded my aunt,Mrs.L——, MissH——and myself to go to his class, which we did upon his promising not to speak to us. I like his manner much, and I think I was profited by it.
Friday 21. In the evening I went to the chapel; there was no preaching, but a private meeting. Having been much refreshed, especially in the singing that hymnWrestling Jacob, I had no reason to repent going. My desires were much enlargedafter God, with a hatred to sin. O that I may indeed forsake it, and hate it as deadly poison!
Sunday 23. In the morning we went to the new chapel.Mr.H——opened it, his text was in2 Chroniclesvi.41.Let thy Priests O Lord God, be cloathed with salvation, and let thy saints rejoice in goodness.He concluded with saying, that as God had given us a more convenient place to worship him in, we ought in gratitude to let our lives and conversations be more exemplary than ever before.
Monday 24, and Tuesday 25. I spent most part of these days in retirement, my mind was much composed, and my thoughts stayed on the things of God.
Wednesday 26. This afternoon we came to our own house. I spent the evening in a little room by myself. I found enlargement in prayer, and my soul much blest.
Thursday 27. When I retired in the morning to private prayer, I experienced great power and sweetness in the duty. My mind was kept in a serious frame, till I went out of my chamber, when I gave way to fretting. O how many temptations are we liable to! And while we endeavour to shun one, we often fall into another. When I avoid levity, I too often fall into fretting. We have need to have the wisdom of the serpent with the harmlessness of the dove.
Friday 28, and Saturday 29. Were spent comfortably.I had great sweetness in prayer, and much of the spirit of it.
Sunday 30. I tasted the good word of God in reading the11thchapter of theHebrews. O how much did those excellent ones of the earth endure for their blessed Master, while I who have every means of encouragement I can desire, (and far more than I deserve) am careless and supine in working out my own salvation. But since thou hast convinced me of my error, O Lord, do thou help me to amend it, and let me now turn to thee, with all my heart and soul.
Tuesday, July 2, and Wednesday 3. Both these days I was ill and in violent pain. On Thursday morning I endeavoured to look to God, and was relieved. O how good is he to me, the unworthiest of his creatures. Lord give me a thankful heart. I was hindered going to preaching all this week, by reason of a violent cold. But if that was sanctified, I have need to be thankful, and to bless God for afflicting me.
Saturday 20. Tho’ I was very busy all the morning, my mind was kept in a serious praying frame. Lord make me truly thankful for this mercy!
Sunday 21. We went toSt.John’s church. I found my soul blest at the sacrament, and felt an earnest desire for faith. O may it always continue! “Lord give me faith;” Be all my cry; and he that gives me the desire, will fulfil it.
Wednesday 24. In the evening we wentdown to my auntB——s, where we parted with my dear friend MissH——. I was much concerned at taking leave, but I comforted myself with the hope of seeing her soon again: if we should not meet again in this vale of tears, may we meet where crying, and pain, and death are over.
Tuesday 30. I was in a lukewarm frame all the day, but in the evening as my uncle and others were speaking their states to one another, I could scarce help shedding tears, to think I had made so little use of all the means I enjoy. When I came up to bed, I found a great earnestness for faith, which I prayed for with something of a confidence that I should receive, till unbelief stept in: then I thought I had not repented enough, had not forsaken my sins long enough, and at last I yielded, rose from my knees, and lost the blessing which I might have received, had I held on. May I learn more wisdom for the future, and when I get such a precious moment, improve it, and not so shamefully yield to the enemy of my soul.
Sunday, August 4. I went to church, and was much blest, particularly at the sacrament.
Friday 16. We had the pleasure of theRev.Mr.John Wesley’s company to tea, and in the evening he preached on2 Corinthiansvi.2.Now is the accepted time: now is the day of salvation.
Sunday 18. In the morningMr.Wesleypreached onMarkix.23. My soul was exceedinglyblest. He seemed to speak as exactly to my state, as if I had mentioned it to him. He answered every objection that has oftentimes occurred to my mind against believing, and then gave me encouragement to come to Christ, and believe in him. But when I came home, my mind was much hurried, so that I lost the blessing I had received. O! how unfaithful have I hitherto been, to the manifold favours God has bestowed on me! Lord pardon the past, and make me more faithful for the future.
Monday 19. I was much disordered with a violent cold in my head, and so I continued all Tuesday and Wednesday, that I scarce could read, or pray, or do any thing else, as I would have done. But praised be God, my mind was kept in a sweet composed frame, and I had much of the spirit of prayer. O the goodness of God to me, the most unworthy of his creatures! Me, who have so often sinned against him! Lord write the law of gratitude on my heart! On Wednesday our class met for the first time. Altho’ it was something of a cross, I experienced the goodness of God.
Wednesday 28. In the evening our class met again: thanks be to God, I was in a composed frame, and had my mind stayed on him; as indeed it had been all the day, and all the week.
Thursday 29. In the afternoon we went withMr.andMrs.B——ttoEatonby water, to see LordGrosvenor’s seat. We had a parcel of obstinatemen in the boat, who knew nothing of the sea, and yet would have their own way, which rendered what might have been otherwise pleasant, very disagreeable. The gardens are extremely pleasant, and far surpass any thing I have ever seen. My mind was fixt on God, while I was in the boat, and I had such a confidence in him, that I don’t know I felt fear arise once the whole time.
Sunday, September 1. At church I felt great earnestness for the blessing.
“Author of faith, to thee I liftMy weary, longing eyes:O let me now receive that gift,My soul without it dies.”
“Author of faith, to thee I liftMy weary, longing eyes:O let me now receive that gift,My soul without it dies.”
“Author of faith, to thee I lift
My weary, longing eyes:
O let me now receive that gift,
My soul without it dies.”
Wednesday 4. In the evening I was very cold and dead. O my God, let me never give way to a lukewarm spirit, for this of all things, I find hurtful to my soul, and it too often brings on levity, which to me is slow poison. It does not appear heinous as some other sins do, but steals upon me unawares. And when I am once down, it is not an easy matter to rise again. Therefore let me be
“Always standing on my guard,And watching unto prayer.”
“Always standing on my guard,And watching unto prayer.”
“Always standing on my guard,
And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 9. I was much blest this day, and my desires after the blessing much quickened; thanksbe to God. In the evening we went to chapel,Mr.M——preached fromLukevi.19. He is but a young preacher, yet I like him much better than many others, and some parts of the sermon were blest to me.
Wednesday 11. At night while I was meeting in class, my soul was much refreshed, and I thought I would not give up that spark, small as it was, for all the world’s riches. And if the foretaste be so sweet, O what must the full enjoyment be? Lord as thou hast given me this desire, O fulfil it! Let me never rest, till I am made a joyful partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light.
Thursday 12. Blessed be God my soul was much alive this day also, and I was much quickened under my uncle’s preaching in the evening.
Sunday 15. This morningMr.M——smade an exceeding fine discourse uponPhilippiansiii.7.But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss forChrist. My soul was much comforted and encouraged, while he was inviting sinners to come and taste the sweetness that is in Christ, and to forsake all those things, which before we counted gain, in order to partake of those hidden treasures.
Monday 17. I was overcome by a trifling spirit, and also gave way to wandering thoughts: for which the Lord in mercy gave me to feel much remorse. While I was at preaching in the evening, He also gave me a fervent desire tolook to that Jesus whom his servant was pointing out to us fromJohniii.14, 15. O that I may ever look to him, to heal the wound which sin has made!
“Stung by the scorpion sin;My poor expiring soul,”
“Stung by the scorpion sin;My poor expiring soul,”
“Stung by the scorpion sin;
My poor expiring soul,”
O that I could add
“The balmy sound drank in,And was at once made whole.”
“The balmy sound drank in,And was at once made whole.”
“The balmy sound drank in,
And was at once made whole.”
I staid at the bands as I could not go home by myself, and my aunt chose to stay. I experienced that it was good for me to be there, for my soul was exceedingly blest. Lord make me truly thankful for this, and all thy other mercies daily conferred upon me, the chief of sinners.
Tuesday, October 1. In the evening I found my soul quickened under religious conversation, and continued so all Wednesday and Thursday, having great enlargement in prayer, and free access to the throne; blessed be God.
Monday 14. My mind was in a serious frame most part of this day. In the evening we had a comfortable love-feast, at which my soul was much comforted, and found a great wrestling and agonizing for the blessing.
Saturday 19. I was rather cold all day, but glory be to God, I had great enlargement in prayer, especially in the evening.
Sunday 20.Mr.M——rpreached onMatthewv.22, 26.Agree with thine adversary quickly,&c.He earnestly exhorted and intreated every one to agree with God by forsaking their sins and turning to him, lest he should swear in his wrath, they should not enter into his rest. The word came with power to my soul, and I felt a resolution never to rest, till I had made my peace with God. O may the Lord confirm it, or it will be like the morning cloud.
Monday 21. I arose this morning with an earnest desire, and a determination by the grace of God to give myself up to him. O may I never, never rest, till I fully rest in him.
Tuesday 22. My soul was in a serious frame, but in the evening I gave so much way to an inordinate desire after a foolish thing, that my mind was quite drawn off from God. When I went to bed, I was greatly humbled, and ashamed on account of it, and I trust I shall never so yield again to the enemy of my soul.
Wednesday 30. I was in a very indifferent state all the day, but in the evening in class-meeting I was much quickened, and stirred up by a young person’s giving an account, how she found peace the day before in private prayer. I was, and am still determined by the grace of God never to rest till I also find him whom my soul desires to love. My soul continued much blest all the evening, and I dropt asleep with earnest desires to be brought into that glorious liberty ofthe sons of God. Dearest Jesus, how long will it be before thou wilt manifest thyself to me, as thou dost not unto the world? O come and take up thine abode in my longing heart, and live and reign in me without a rival.
Thursday 31. My soul was greatly blest all this day, and my heart much drawn out after God. I also found enlargement in praying for faith. O thou Son of God, do thou now impart to me this great and inestimable blessing, and make me truly happy in thy love. Do thou now arise upon my poor soul with healing in thy wings, and keep me continually.
Friday, November 1. I still continued in a comfortable frame, finding a great hunger and thirst for faith. I could truly say from heart-felt experience,
“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest,And lo for thee I ever mourn:I cannot, no I will not rest,Till thou my only rest return:Till thou the Prince of peace appear,And I receive the Comforter.”
“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest,And lo for thee I ever mourn:I cannot, no I will not rest,Till thou my only rest return:Till thou the Prince of peace appear,And I receive the Comforter.”
“Thou hast pronounced the mourner blest,
And lo for thee I ever mourn:
I cannot, no I will not rest,
Till thou my only rest return:
Till thou the Prince of peace appear,
And I receive the Comforter.”
Saturday 2. I found my soul in a very watchful frame, from a great concern I felt upon my conscience for sin, and the fear I had of falling into a careless lukewarm spirit again. Lord do thou always let me retain,
“A spirit still prepared,And armed with jealous fear,For ever standing on its guard,And watching unto prayer.”
“A spirit still prepared,And armed with jealous fear,For ever standing on its guard,And watching unto prayer.”
“A spirit still prepared,
And armed with jealous fear,
For ever standing on its guard,
And watching unto prayer.”
Monday 4. I was overcome in some measure by levity, but the gracious God gave me to feel much remorse for it, and also encouraged me to trust that he who had shewed me the evils of this, and all other sins, would pardon them.
Saturday 9. My soul was not so lively to-day, as it was some days ago. When I retired to prayer, I felt a great backwardness to it, which was heightened by a consideration of my own unfaithfulness to God. But the thought was immediately checked by this, if I am unfaithful, will my keeping from him make me more faithful? No surely: it is the Lord alone that can impart the blessing of a faithful heart; then I will wait upon him for it, and he has promised,Those that ask shall receive.
Monday 18. I was in a serious praying frame. In the eveningMr.M——preached onJohnix.25. My soul was exceedingly blest, and I seemed just ready to lay hold on the blessing. How I lost it, I am not sensible.
Sunday 24.Mr.M——epreached in the morning on,Do all to the glory of God. When I came home and retired, I found some liberty in prayer. O how good is God to me, and how undeserving, how unfaithful a creature am I?Lord pardon the past, and give me strength for the time to come.
Tuesday, December 3, and Wednesday 4. I was rather in a cold frame. O that the Lord would deliver me from a lukewarm spirit! For I findthatan inlet to all wrong tempers, and therefore it must be hurtful to me, and displeasing to God.
Saturday 7. I was much cast down on account of having yielded to many wrong tempers the day before. In the evening, I went to preaching without the least expectation of a blessing; however as I was under the word, bemoaning my helpless condition, the Lord in a measure comforted and encouraged me to trust in him. Indeed I am often pained that my pain is over so soon, and grieved that I can grieve no more!
Sunday 8. In the morningMr.M——preached onRomansi.17.For the just shall live by faith.My thoughts were wandering under the word, and when I came home and retired, I found no life nor liberty in prayer. O when shall I be enabled to come with boldness to the throne of grace throughJesusthe Mediator of the new covenant, and to call him,my Lord and my God.
Thursday 12. My uncle’s text wasProverbsxxiii.23. During the first part, my mind was pretty much stayed, but towards the latter end it was much drawn off by a thing which probably may never happen. O for a stayed, and composedmind in waiting upon God! Surely it is a great sin to have the mind wandering upon foolish things, when so immediately in the presence of God.
Saturday 14. This day, as well as the day before, my body was much disordered. In the evening when I retired, I was humbled under a sense of past mercies received, and my own unfaithfulness to God. Sometimes I am all alive, I am so in earnest, so diligent in the means, and take such delight in them! Then one thing, or another steps in, is yielded to, and deprives me of all my life and earnestness. And though I do not neglect the means, yet how are they hurried over, and how slightly performed! And indeed I am often glad when they are finished. Lord, what is man? What am I? What a poor unstable creature! Lord, quicken me! Make me more alive, more in earnest. Lord make me, and keep me, what I ought, what I want to be.
Saturday 21. All this week, I have experienced a stayedness of mind, and a degree of recollection for which I desire to be thankful. But alas! I do not find that earnestness, that hungering and thirsting which I did. Lord what is the cause? O remove it whatever it be! Remove the accursed thing, which separates between thee and my soul. On Saturday night, the Lord was pleased to shew me the thing which had quenched that earnestness, and I am not sensible that I have this week yielded to it. O what a good God isours! He shewed me my sin: he gave me to feel remorse for it, and then imparted power to subdue it. Lord give me a thankful heart.
Sunday 22. This morning I was much affected in reading the15thverse of the4thchapter of theHebrews.For we have not an high priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities: for he was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.O what comfortable words, especially when the enemy is pouring in floods of temptation upon us; at such a time how sweet is the meditation upon such words! How comfortable the reflection that our God knows, and not only knows but sympathizes with us in all our afflictions, distresses, and temptations; and will assuredly deliver us out of them! O may this scripture be ever present with my mind, and may it prove a comfort to me in trials, while it also hinders me from yielding to my spiritual enemy, by assuring me that Jesus is ever able and willing to help me.
Wednesday 25. I was impressed with a sense of gratitude to God for sending his Son into the world, to be born of a pure virgin, and in a mean manger, and all to rescue me from endless woe. O that my heart may never for one moment, lose the sense of this great and inestimable blessing.
*Sunday 29. I was not very well, and stayed at home with my friend MissH——who was in great affliction for the loss of poor, or rather happy littleNed H——. He died of a scarlet-fevera week ago. O that I was as safely landed on the happy shore! But alas! I am still in an evil world, and liable to crosses and temptations: Yea liable to fall from grace when I get it, and perhaps to be lost for ever? Lord preserve me, and when I die, O let me die unto thee.
Tuesday 31. The watch-night was to last till half past twelve: but we came home between ten and eleven. I would not go to bed till near twelve, spending the time in prayer and meditation. Lord make me truly thankful for thy mercy, in bringing me to the conclusion of another year, and grant that I may spend the ensuing year to the glory of thy blessed name, through Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, January 1. I awoke in a lukewarm state, and though I endeavoured to pray, yet it was not with that life and fervency I desired. O how many have been cut off in the last year, and I am yet upon praying ground! Lord spare me yet another year, and O let it be spent so, as will shew my gratitude to thee, for this undeserved mercy.
Thursday 2. I was to my great concern overcome by a trifling spirit. O how is it that I am so soon off my watch, that the enemy so frequently gets the better! O God give me, I beseech thee for thy Son’s sake, a recollected, serious, praying spirit.
Friday 3. My soul was in a more recollectedframe than the foregoing day. Lord make me thankful even for this mercy.
Saturday 4. I continued much in the same state as the day before. In the eveningMr.R——spreached onLamentationsiii.22.It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.Had it not been for this, Lord where should I and all the rebellious sons ofAdam, have been at this day?
*Monday 6. I found my mind in a serious frame, but it is seldom that it continues. O that God would make me more stable, that I may not be like the sea continually fluctuating, and driven about with every wind of temptation: but like the sun which constantly rises and sets at the appointed times, and never fails to bring a regular succession of day and night, according to the command of that God who made him, when he sent him forth with a commission to rule the day, and to be for signs, and for seasons, for days, and for years.
Tuesday 7. This day I found great enlargement in prayer, which made me perform that duty with much pleasure: but when my soul is dead, it is a most burthensome task.
Thursday 9. I went to chapel.Mr.R——spreached onPsalmsxxxiv.14.Seek peace and ensue it.The sermon was tedious, and I so cold, that I was quite tired under it, and found myself growing impatient. O how soon am I tired of what is good! The world are not so soon wearyat the play-house, or in the ball-room, as I am in God’s house, and under his word. Truly the children of this world, are wiser in their generation, than the children of light.
Friday 10. I was oppressed all this day, with that tormenting passion, the fear of death, in so much that I had not comfort in any thing. I was overwhelmed in an instant with such horror and dread, as plainly told me I was unfit to die; unfit to appear before the awful judge of quick and dead. O my God, do thou give me the pardon of my sins, and remove this bondage, (the fear of death) from my conscience! Lord prepare me, make me meet to see thy face.
Saturday 11. At nightMr.M——smade an excellent discourse upon the barren fig-tree. I fear this character belongs to me. O may I at last bear fruit!
Tuesday 14. This, as well as the three following days, my soul seemed to be much in earnest, and pressing forward after the blessing; and altho’ I was much tempted on Friday to anger, yet I found power to resist it, and also great enlargement in praying for faith. O how gracious is God! Lord make me truly thankful for thy numberless mercies bestowed on me, the unworthiest worm thy hands have made! My uncle preached onIsaiahxix.If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land.He said many people were willing enough to be saved, but few were willing to be saved in God’s way, whichwas to confess and forsake sin, and turn to God, by using all the means which he has appointed. But I think God has brought me so far, as to make me truly willing to be saved in his own way; and were it possible to be saved in sin, I had rather be saved from it. For heaven would be no heaven to me, while pride, anger, and self-will have possession of my breast; wherefore Lord, deliver me from the guilt and power of these things now, and finally deliver me from the in-being of them.
Saturday 18. I still found my desires after God very earnest, and was much enlarged in wrestling for the blessing, both in private prayer, and under the word. In the evening, whileMr.M——ewas discoursing on these words,Let him that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity,2 Timothyii.19. I found much enlargement in private prayer. In the afternoon I was admitted to meet in band, which I found blest to me, and trust to find it so constantly, as I shall, if it is not my own fault.
Monday 20. I did not find my soul so much alive this day, as I did all last week. O what a changeable creature am I? Never, never, at one stay. Lord strengthen, settle, and stablish me.
Tuesday 21. Blessed be God, he sought me even when I was straying from him, and did not suffer me long to continue in a lukewarm state. This day he gave me back that wrestling spirit which I had lost the day before. I can say mysoul is a thirst for God, even for the living God. I am willing, yea, Lord, I am desirous, to forsake all my sins, and to return unto thee. O my God, make me in earnest, and take me for thy child. Keep me, keep me, gracious Lord, and never let me go.
Wednesday 22. I still found earnest desires, and my soul to be all on a stretch for God. Lord continue this blessing, till thou impart to me that which my soul desireth, even thy blessed self. Then shall I be possessed of all that is desirable in earth or heaven.
*Friday 24. Upon a strict self-examination, I trust, I may say, I have made some progress in the heavenly journey, within this last three months; for these reasons, I find more power over sin, even my besetting sins have not dominion over me. And if thro’ unwatchfulness I yield to them, my heart is broken on account thereof, and I endeavour to be more watchful for the future. I find more delight in the ordinances of God, and a more stayed, composed mind in waiting upon him; and when wandering thoughts assault me, I find power to resist them. I have more power to plead the promises in prayer; my desires are more earnest, and I have a more watchful spirit during the day: if I deceive myself, the Lord knoweth it is not willingly. I sincerely desire to be tried, and to know the worst of my state. Lord, search well if therebe any way of wickedness in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Thursday 30. I was rather cold and dead this day. O what is the cause of this instability? Lord shew it to me for Jesus’s sake, tho’ not for mine, and make me in earnest. I found my soul something quickened at night, while my uncle was preaching on these words.Only believe.Markv.36.
Friday 31. I was much tempted to fretfulness this morning, but thro’ mercy was restrained from letting it break out into words or actions, thanks be to God for this; as also that I found a degree of liberty in prayer.
Monday, February 3. When I awoke this morning, I found an earnest desire to spend the day to the glory of God. I soon found myself stripped of all my strength, and a trifling spirit prevailed over me. Lord, I bring this besetting sin to thee. Thou knowest ’tis my grief, my burden. Lord give me power over it.
Saturday 8. All this week I have been hindered going to chapel by reason of a bad cold. And as to the state of my soul, I know not what to say. Sometimes I have been groaning under my unbelief; sometimes cold and dead, yet I find a hope left, that I, even I, shall yet rejoice in the God of my salvation: that I shall find his favour, and taste an earnest of eternal bliss;Amen, Lord Jesus. But Lord make me in earnest, make mealive to thee. I cannot bear this instability, this halting between two opinions. Lord, I am convinced thou art God, O then let me serve thee.
Sunday 9. This morning being hindered attending the public means, I spent some time in private, and I found the Lord was willing to hear and answer prayer, for he enlarged my heart in that duty, and enabled me to pray with life and fervency; blessed be his name.
Sunday 16. This day I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty, and my mind was in some measure staid on God. O for an heart to praise and love him for this, and all his mercies! The rest of the week I found my soul blest at different times, with a desire to wait upon God in private: it was profitable to me: which indeed I need never doubt, seeing he has promised that they that wait upon him shall renew their strength.
Friday 28. When I awoke this morning, I felt a thankfulness to God for safely bringing me to see the end of my fifteenth year, and for an earnest desire to spend the remainder of a short life to his glory. How time flies? It was but the other day since I was but a little infant, utterly unable to help myself: in this tender state the Lord provided me good parents and kind friends, whose constant care it has been, to train me up for heaven, and to dedicate me to him betimes. Now I am come to years of reason, should itnot be my one endeavour, my constant aim to glorify God in my body and in my spirit, which are his by creation and redemption, as also by the early dedication which my dear parents made of me to him? Should I not from my heart ratify and confirm by my own act and deed, that which they promised on my behalf? Lord I am willing, I am truly willing so to do.JesusLord lend me thine aid, and I will devote myself to thee, body, soul, and spirit, a living sacrifice. Lend me thine aid, and I will take thee for my prophet, to teach me; my priest to atone for my sins, and my king to reign over me. Come dear Lord, and take me for thine own? Thine in time, and thine to eternity.
Monday, March 3. This week I have been confined by a severe cold, however I have not been remiss in private duties, though I have found little life in them. A sort of stupidity has overspread my mind, which has made me unfit for any duty. This I can account for no other way than by my disorder, which always throws me into this dull frame. O how this vile body weighs down the soul! How happy are those who are delivered from it!
Sunday 16. This week as well as the former I have found my heart as cold, dead, and hard as it was possible; nor even has it been broke or softened while waiting upon the Lord either in private prayer, or under the word. On Friday evening at the watch-night, I found my mindvery wandering, but towards the latter end it was more composed, and I really believe the Lord waited to be gracious to me, but my unbelieving heart put the blessing away, by thinking I was not worthy! O my God, when shall I be worthy?
Sunday 23. I found my heart greatly melted in the afternoon while I was meeting my band, and at some liberty afterwards in private prayer, but my old companion coldness returned in the evening.
Thursday 27. As we were going to chapel this evening, a parcel of genteel well-dressed boys set upon us, throwing dirt in such a manner as almost blinded us, and hallowing and hooting after us. O what enmity is in the heart of man against every thing that is good even when children? O how gracious has God been to me, that I have never been taught to despise and treat any person ill, either on account of any natural infirmities, or of the religion they profess; but from my earliest infancy have I been trained up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: how will this enhance my condemnation, if I make not a right use of these privileges!
Friday 28. Being Good-Friday, I spent more time than usual in reading and prayer, in which duty I found my soul very much blest and enlarged.
Wednesday, April 2. TheRev.Mr.Wesleygave us his company to tea, and afterwardspreached onRomansviii.33, 34. I found my mind very wandering. The next evening he preached again onJohnv.8, 9. Jesussaith unto him, rise take up thy bed and walk. I found a blessing this evening though I sought it not as I ought. O what a good God is ours!
Friday 4. This day I was very light and trifling; but in the afternoon the Lord was again pleased to stir me up, by the means of our maid, who this day found the Lord in communicating with a sick woman. O my God, what a slow progress do I make? Others find Jesus, but alas! for me, I find him not. I was also much blest in the evening whileMr.Wesleywas preaching on these words,Johnxvii.3.This is eternal life,&c.
Saturday 5. I set apart this day, in order to seek the Lord by prayer and meditation; and although I did not find him, so as to enable me to rejoice in him, as a pardoning God, yet I found him enlarging my heart in prayer, enabling me to plead his promises, and to cry to him for mercy, without which I clearly see I am undone for ever. “I give up every plea beside, Lord I am damned, but Christ has died.” Lord, thou hast said, Icame not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. I am then one thou camest to save. O save me for thy mercy’s sake!
“No need of thee the righteous have,Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”
“No need of thee the righteous have,Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”
“No need of thee the righteous have,
Thou cam’st the lost to seek and save.”
I found the word very sweet in the evening whileMr.Wesleywas inforcing the words,Matthewix.5.Whether is it easier to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee? Or to say, Arise and walk?
Sunday 6. This morning I found my desires very earnest for the blessing, whileMr.Wesleywas preaching onIsaiahxxxv.8.And a highway shall be there, and a way,&c.And also afterwards while he was adminstring the sacrament. In the evening I was again encouraged to come to the Lord, whileMr.Wesleywas inviting us tocome and drink of the water of life freely, but still I had not power to accept the invitation. We afterwards had a comfortable love-feast.
Sunday 13. I arose pretty early and went to the preaching. I afterwards found great sweetness, in meditating on the love of God to sinners, and his willingness to receive them upon their sincere repentance, as also in private prayer.
Wednesday 16. All this day I was very melancholy, which was chiefly occasioned by recollecting the sorrowful scene I saw that day two-years; when I had the last sight of those whom I love as my own soul. O how many unforeseen events have happened in that time! Some of them have been very trying to me, and made me repent leaving my native land: yet now I see they were all working together for my good, and I trust I have no cause to repent, seeing my soul has much prospered since I have been at this place, whereas I did not gain, but rather lostground, while I was inLondonandKendal. How wisely does God order all things for the benefit of his poor undeserving creatures: and how ungrateful are we, not to render him the tribute of an heart and life devoted to his service!
Friday 18.Mr.M——kept a watch-night and preached on these alarming words.At midnight there was a cry made: Behold the bridegroom cometh, go ye out to meet him.Matthewxxv.6. I found my soul much blest under one of his prayers. O may I have oil in my lamp when the bridegroom comes that I may not be shut out with thefoolish virgins, but enter with the wise into the joy of my Lord.
Sunday 20. This morningMr.R——preached on those comfortable words of our Lord’sHim that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast out.Johnvi.37. I found myself much encouraged to come to the Lord, especially when he was inviting the young to come, and close in with Jesus.
Tuesday 22. This day I found great backwardness to private duty, but was enabled to break through and found the Lord as good as his word,They that wait uponhimshall renew their strength.
Wednesday 23. I found much sweetness and enlargement in private duty this day, and was in a measure blest, while meeting my class in the evening. O how good is it to draw nigh to God, and yet how backward am I so to do!
Friday 25. I found myself much grieved upon account of having given way to levity. O how prone am I to this evil! Lord, help me against it, or I fear it will sink me lower than the grave. I spent my evening comfortably, and I trust profitably in reading thebook of martyrs. O what did they go through for the sake of their Lord! While I cannot take up the least cross without murmuring.
Saturday 26. This day I found great enlargement in praying for my friends and relations, as also for the whole world, and for my own poor soul. Lord, help me ever to continue herein.
“Help me to believe, obey;Help me to repent and love;Help me to take the blessing given,Help me quite from hell to heaven.”
“Help me to believe, obey;Help me to repent and love;Help me to take the blessing given,Help me quite from hell to heaven.”
“Help me to believe, obey;
Help me to repent and love;
Help me to take the blessing given,
Help me quite from hell to heaven.”
Sunday 27.Mr.M——spreached onMatthewxi.20, 30.Take my yoke upon you,&c.O what would I not give to be enabled so to do! But alas as yet I am like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. O Lord, help me this day to take thy sweet yoke upon me, and learn of thee, for I am truly convinced that till then, I shall never find rest to my poor soul. I have no objections to make, take me as I am, and let me be thine for ever.
“Take my body, spirit, soul,Only thou possess the whole.”
“Take my body, spirit, soul,Only thou possess the whole.”
“Take my body, spirit, soul,
Only thou possess the whole.”
Thursday 29. I went to five o’clock preaching. As I went my heart was raised to God, that he would please to bless his word to my soul; and indeedMr.M——gave a very profitable discourse onEphesiansvi.10. Lord, help me so to put on the whole armour of God, that I may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand.
Wednesday 30. I found my heart much broken on account of sin this evening in meeting my class. Lord, give me a broken and contrite heart, for such thou wilt not despise.
Thursday, May 1. Going a little earlier than usual to preaching, I took out my little bible, and found a peculiar sweetness in reading thelv.chapter ofIsaiah.
Friday 2. I found great sweetness in reading and prayer. O for a watchful spirit to keep it.
Saturday 3. I had a great seriousness and solemnity upon my mind this morning, which continued all day, (blessed be God.)
Sunday 4. I was much cast down by hearing that my poor papa was in a bad state of health; but was comforted by this consideration, that if I made God my father and my friend, nothing but my own unfaithfulness could ever separate me from him.
Monday 5. I rose this morning with a desireto spend the day to his glory, and blessed be his name, he did enable me to keep a recollected spirit, and also to seek him in his appointed ways, in doing which I found great sweetness.
Wednesday 7. I was disappointed going to preaching, which was a cross to me at first; but I was so blest while meeting my class, that the loss was abundantly made up; my heart was softened and melted for my past offences, and at the same time a comfortable hope sprung up, that the Lord would have mercy even upon me.
Friday 9, and Saturday 10. I can’t say, that I found my soul so much blest those two days, as it had been the two preceding. What is the cause I know not, but whatever it is, I trust the Lord will discover it to me, and remove it. On Saturday evening I was greatly shocked at the melancholy account of the death of two of my uncles; and Satan strongly suggested that my dear Papa would soon follow. This hindered me from sleeping great part of the night. Every such alarming providence should loudly sound in our ears,Be ye also ready, for at such an hour as ye think not, the Son of man cometh.
Sunday 11. I broke the matter to my cousin by degrees, thinking it would shock her to tell it to her at once. But O how her cries and lamentations pierced my heart! I endeavoured to comfort her, but all in vain; all her cry was, if she did but know his soul was happy, then she should be easy. At last she seemed to take some comfortin the consideration that he had religious friends about him in his illness. Surely it is a grievous thing to lose a tender parent. O may I not by my sins, provoke God to lay the same affliction upon me. Alas! it would be a heavy stroke. I know not how I should bear it; I fear I should murmur against the hand that inflicted it, unless preserved therefrom by the restraining grace of God. My mind was now far from the comfortable frame it was in the last week; it was so confused, that I could not for one quarter of an hour keep it stayed on God. But notwithstanding this, I took up my cross, and used private prayer constantly. Indeed I was often tempted to think, I had better let it alone, for I was only mocking God by drawing near to him with my lips, while my heart was far from him. If this was the case it was not with my desire or approbation. The Lord knoweth, I would have prayed better if I could. I would fain have my lips, and heart, and life go together in his service; and therefore since he has put this desire into my heart, he will graciously pardon what has been amiss, and enable me to do better for the future.
Thursday 22. This morning I went to my auntB——s, where I spent the day very agreeably. In the evening I was much blest, while my uncle was preaching onJohni.11, 12.He came unto his own, but his own received him not: but as many as received him, to them gave he power to becomethe sons of God.O would he now himself impart, that I may become the child of God.
Sunday 25. In the eveningMr.M——made a sweet Discourse onActsxvi.30.Sirs, what must I do to be saved?Indeed I thought I had power to believe, I found the blessing nigh; but O my faithless heart drew back and lost the precious pearl. Unbelief again prevailed and left me helpless, but blessed be God, not a hopeless sinner. I still have a hope, and I trust it is not the hope of an hypocrite.
Thursday 29. This day I was much beset by wandring thoughts, and to my grief and shame, yielded but too much to them. How long shall vain thoughts, which are often the forerunners of vain words, lodge within me. O for power to resist and overcome!
Saturday 31. I found great power this day over that evil, with which I have been so much beset, blessed be God.
Sunday,June 1. This morning my soul was in a measure blest whileMr.R——swas shewing how we had destroyed ourselves, fromHoseaxiii.9. He had not time to shew us where our help lay: but blessed be God, he has shewed this to me. May I seek for it where it only can be found. In the evening I was stirred up to ask the blessing, and I trust with some importunity.
Monday 2. This morning my soul was exceedingly blest whileMrs.L——was speaking to me, encouraging me to come, and lay hold ofthe blessing, assuring me, that even now the Lord was willing to impart it. My desires were also very strong in the afternoon; although I was in company, and the conversation not very edifying; (so gracious was the Lord to me.)
Tuesday 3. I found my soul exceedingly blest this day, especially in the evening: such hope and confidence I had that the Lord would reveal himself that I had no doubt of it, and such a sweet calm was upon my spirit till I went to bed as I never experienced before. I was also greatly encouraged by accidentally opening the bible upon these words,Then shall we know if we follow on to know theLord. Amen! Let it be according to thy word, Lord Jesus.
Wednesday 4. I experienced a measure of the same confidence as the night before. Lord continue it, and also increase it, so that I may never doubt more.
Thursday 5. I was not altogether in such a sweet frame as the two preceding days; nevertheless my mind was stayed on God, and my desires earnest for the blessing, while my uncle was discoursing upon these words,Except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.Lukexiii.5.
Friday 6. My mind was distracted with wandering thoughts, but the gracious Lord soon gathered them in again, and I experienced a sweet calm upon my spirit, and liberty in prayer.
Sunday 8. I went to church expecting the Sacrament, but there being none, we had a sermononGalatiansvi.9. It was a very pretty discourse, shewing what well-doing was; but nothing of a change of heart was mentioned. O, thought I, how many may go thus far, and perish at last. Lord, let me not be one of this number.
Monday 9. This afternoon we set out forEatonto see LordGrosvenor’s gardens; they are the most elegant and pleasant I ever saw. I do not find the sight of such things to draw my mind from God: but am rather led to meditate on the vanity of all worldly enjoyments, and to desire to have substantial pleasures, even those which are at God’s right-hand. The rest of the week, my mind was in much confusion, by reason of removing; but still I have found power to be constant in private duty, and to resist all temptations to the contrary. By thus doing I was enabled to keep a greater watch over my words, and thoughts, and to avoid my♦besetting evil, levity. O Lord, make me truly thankful.