After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish—wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.
"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next Tuesday."
It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United Society of Lady Vegetarians.
They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when, horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.
Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then, regaining her breath, she turned round.
"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"
Miss PASSAY—"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you? How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"
YOUNG MAN—"Yes; come and be a cook for us."
One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and next the other officers.
"Who, father, is that gentleman?" said the small boy, pointing to the chaplain.
"That, my son," said the father, "is the chaplain of the House."
"Does he pray for the members?" asked the small boy.
The father thought a minute and then said: "No, my son; when he goes into the House he looks around and sees the members sitting there and then he prays for the country."—Cardiff Mail.
There is a lad in Boston, the son of a well-known writer of history, who has evidently profited by such observations as he may have overheard his father utter touching certain phases of British empire-building. At any rate the boy showed a shrewd notion of the opinion not infrequently expressed in regard to the righteousness of "British occupation." It was he who handed in the following essay on the making of a British colony:
"Africa is a British colony. I will tell you how England does it. First she gets a missionary; when the missionary has found a specially beautiful and fertile tract of country, he gets all his people round him and says: 'Let us pray,' and when all the eyes are shut, up goes the British flag."
Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to ride in his new car.
"What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?"
"No, sah," he replied. "Tain't that—I done los' $5, sah, an' I jes' nacherly got tuh sit an' grieve."
TRAVELER (on an English train)—"Shall I have time to get a drink?"
GUARD—"Yes, sir."
TRAVELER—"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?"
GUARD—"Yes, I'll take one with you!"
"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?"
"Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid diss mornin', suh, but de bishop's comin' down hyar in August, suh, and we's savin' all de fresh aigs for him, suh."
"Here's a health to thee and thineFrom the hearts of me and mine;And when thee and thineCome to see me and mine,May me and mine make thee and thineAs welcome as thee and thineHave ever made me and mine."
"Here's a health to thee and thineFrom the hearts of me and mine;And when thee and thineCome to see me and mine,May me and mine make thee and thineAs welcome as thee and thineHave ever made me and mine."
"Here's a health to thee and thine
From the hearts of me and mine;
And when thee and thine
Come to see me and mine,
May me and mine make thee and thine
As welcome as thee and thine
Have ever made me and mine."
Among the new class which came to the second-grade teacher, a young timid girl, was one Tommy, who for naughty deeds had been many times spanked by his first-grade teacher. "Send him to me any time when you want him spanked," suggested the latter; "I can manage him."
One morning, about a week after this conversation, Tommy appeared at the first-grade teacher's door. She dropped her work, seized him by the arm, dragged him to the dressing-room, turned him over her knee and did her duty.
When she had finished she said: "Well, Tommy, what have you to say?"
"Please, Miss, my teacher wants the scissors."
In reward of faithful political service an ambitious saloon keeper was appointed police magistrate.
"What's the charge ag'in this man?" he inquired when the first case was called.
"Drunk, yer honor," said the policeman.
The newly made magistrate frowned upon the trembling defendant.
"Guilty, or not guilty?" he demanded.
"Sure, sir," faltered the accused, "I never drink a drop."
"Have a cigar, then," urged his honor persuasively, as he absently polished the top of the judicial desk with his pocket handkerchief.
"We had a fine sunrise this morning," said one New Yorker to another. "Did you see it?"
"Sunrise?" said the second man. "Why, I'm always in bed before sunrise."
A traveling man who was a cigarette smoker reached town on an early train. He wanted a smoke, but none of the stores were open. Near the station he saw a newsboy smoking, and approached him with:
"Say, son, got another cigarette?"
"No, sir," said the boy, "but I've got the makings."
"All right," the traveling man said. "But I can't roll 'em very well. Will you fix one for me?"
The boy did.
"Don't believe I've got a match," said the man, after a search through his pockets.
The boy handed him a match. "Say, Captain," he said "you ain't got anything but the habit, have you?"
Habit with him was all the test of truth;"It must be right: I've done it from my youth."—Crabbe.
Habit with him was all the test of truth;"It must be right: I've done it from my youth."
Habit with him was all the test of truth;
"It must be right: I've done it from my youth."
—Crabbe.
—Crabbe.
SeeFuture life.
Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question:
"The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a school depends, after all, on the schoolboy chiefly, and I'm afraid the average schoolboy is well reflected in that classic schoolboy letter home which said:
"'Dear parents—We are having a good time now at school. George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"
"'Dear parents—We are having a good time now at school. George Jones broke his leg coasting and is in bed. We went skating and the ice broke and all got wet. Willie Brown was drowned. Most of the boys here are down with influenza. The gardener fell into our cave and broke his rib, but he can work a little. The aviator man at the race course kicked us because we threw sand in his motor, and we are all black and blue. I broke my front tooth playing football. We are very happy.'"
Mankind are always happier for having been happy; so that if you make them happy now, you make them happy twenty years hence by the memory of it.—Sydney Smith.
The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour or two.
When they were ready to go home, a difficulty at once presented itself, inasmuch as neither of the Trentonians knew how to reharness the horse. Every effort in this direction met with dire failure, and the worst problem was properly to adjust the bit. The horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness again.
Finally one of the friends, in great disgust, sat down in the road. "There's only one thing we can do, Bill," said he.
"What's that?" asked Bill.
"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"
"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match factory."
"That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads, but we get the sticks from Harvard."—C. Stratton.
"George," said the Titian-haired school marm, "is there any connecting link between the animal kingdom and the vegetable kingdom?"
"Yeth, ma'am," answered George promptly. "Hash."
The ferry-dock was crowded with weary home-goers when through the crowd rushed a man—hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway I caught the boat!"
"But you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"
"Where've you been, Murray?"
"To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great."
"Then why did you come away?"
"Oh, I got sick and had to come home."
"Are you going back?"
"You bet. Just as soon as I get well enough."
The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife.
"They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because I heard her mention 'a trained deer.'"
"Goodness me!" laughed Mrs. B. "What queer hearing you must have! They were talking about going away, and she said, 'Find out about the train, dear.'"
"Well did anybody ever?" exclaimed Mrs. C. "I am sure they were talking about musicians, for she said 'a trained ear,' as distinctly as could be."
The discussion began to warm up, and in the midst of it the lady herself appeared. They carried their case to her promptly, and asked for a settlement.
"Well, well, you do beat all!" she exclaimed, after hearing each one. "I'd been out to the country overnight, and was asking my husband if it rained here last night."
After which the three disputants retired, abashed and in silence.—W.J. Lampton.
"Tom," said an Indiana youngster who was digging in the yard, "don't you make that hole any deeper, or you'll come to gas."
"Well, what if I do? It won't hurt."
"Yes, 't will too. If it spouts out, we'll be blown clear up to heaven."
"Shucks, that would be fun! You an' me would be the only live ones up there."—I.C. Curtis.
See alsoFuture life.
HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)—"Are both your rings heirlooms?"
SHE (concealing the hand)—"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family since the time of Alfred, but the other is newer"—(blushing)—"it only dates from the conquest."
"My grandfather was a captain of industry."
"Well?"
"He left no sword, but we still treasure the stubs of his check-books."
SeeFuture life.
"Papa, what does hereditary mean?"
"Something which descends from father to son."
"Is a spanking hereditary?"
William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trousers, silk hosiery, a fancy waistcoat, and a necktie that spoke for itself. He entered the library where his father was reading. The old gentleman looked up and surveyed his son. The longer he looked, the more disgusted he became.
"Son," he finally blurted out, "you look like a d—— fool!"
Later, the old Major who lived next door came in and greeted the boy heartily. "William," he said with undisguised admiration, "you look exactly like your father did twenty-five years ago when he came back from school!"
"Yes," replied William, with a smile, "so Father was just telling me."
"There seems to be a strange affinity between a darky and a chicken. I wonder why?" said Jones.
"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the other from eggs."
"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"
"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the house."
See alsoAncestry.
THE PASSER-BY—"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"
THE HERO—"He had my skates on!"—Puck.
MR. HENPECK—"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"
MR. SCRAPER—"I reckon I am."
MR. HENPECK—"Shake! You're a hero."
Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.—Emerson.HIGH COST OF LIVING
SeeCost of living.
Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, "Thank you."
"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say 'thank you.'"
"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might put some jam on it."
Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your old manners.
Who hath not met with home-made bread,A heavy compound of putty and lead—And home-made wines that rack the head,And home-made liquors and waters?Home-made pop that will not foam,And home-made dishes that drive one from home—* * * * * *Home-made by the homely daughters.—Hood.
Who hath not met with home-made bread,A heavy compound of putty and lead—And home-made wines that rack the head,And home-made liquors and waters?Home-made pop that will not foam,And home-made dishes that drive one from home—* * * * * *Home-made by the homely daughters.
Who hath not met with home-made bread,
A heavy compound of putty and lead—
And home-made wines that rack the head,
And home-made liquors and waters?
Home-made pop that will not foam,
And home-made dishes that drive one from home—
* * * * * *
Home-made by the homely daughters.
—Hood.
—Hood.
SeeBeauty, Personal.
"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do."
"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to death."—Fenimore Martin.
"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."
VISITOR—"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?"
PRISONER—"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest. 'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"
"How is it, Mr. Brown," said a miller to a farmer, "that when I came to measure those ten barrels of apples I bought from you, I found them nearly two barrels short?"
"Singular, very singular; for I sent them to you in ten of your own flour-barrels."
"Ahem! Did, eh?" said the miller. "Well, perhaps I made a mistake. Let's imbibe."
The stranger laid down four aces and scooped in the pot.
"This game ain't on the level," protested Sagebush Sam, at the same time producing a gun to lend force to his accusation. "That ain't the hand I dealt ye!"
A dumpy little woman with solemn eyes, holding by the hand two dumpy little boys, came to the box-office of a theater. Handing in a quarter, she asked meekly for the best seat she could get for that money.
"Those boys must have tickets if you take them in," said the clerk.
"Oh, no, mister," she said. "I never pay for them. I never can spare more than a quarter, and I just love a show. We won't cheat you any, mister, for they both go sound asleep just as soon as they get into a seat, and don't see a single bit of it."
The argument convinced the ticket man, and he allowed the two children to pass in.
Toward the end of the second act an usher came out of the auditorium and handed a twenty-five-cent piece to the ticket-seller.
"What's this?" demanded the latter.
"I don't know," said the usher. "A little chunk of a woman beckoned me clear across the house, and said one of her kids had waked up and was looking at the show, and that I should bring you that quarter."
In the smoking compartment of a Pullman, there were six men smoking and reading. All of a sudden a door banged and the conductor's voice cried:
"All tickets, please!"
Then one of the men in the compartment leaped to his feet, scanned the faces of the others and said, slowly and impressively:
"Gentlemen, I trust to your honor."
And he dived under the seat and remained there in a small, silent knot till the conductor was safely gone.
Titles of honour add not to his worth,Who is himself an honour to his titles.—John Ford.
Titles of honour add not to his worth,Who is himself an honour to his titles.
Titles of honour add not to his worth,
Who is himself an honour to his titles.
—John Ford.
—John Ford.
FRED—"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way."
BEREAVED ONE—"They haven't all gone, have they?"—Puck.
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the driver. The latter took it, looked it over for a moment or so, and then asked:
"Which horse do you want?"
A traveler in Indiana noticed that a farmer was having trouble with his horse. It would start, go slowly for a short distance, and then stop again. Thereupon the farmer would have great difficulty in getting it started. Finally the traveler approached and asked, solicitously:
"Is your horse sick?"
"Not as I knows of."
"Is he balky?"
"No. But he is so danged 'fraid I'll say whoa and he won't hear me, that he stops every once in a while to listen."
A German farmer was in search of a horse.
"I've got just the horse for you," said the liveryman. "He's five years old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."
The German threw his hands skyward.
"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, und mit dot horse I haf to valk back two miles."
There's a grocer who is notorious for his wretched horse flesh.
The grocer's boy is rather a reckless driver. He drove one of his master's worst nags a little too hard one day, and the animal fell ill and died.
"You've killed my horse, curse you!" the grocer said to the boy the next morning.
"I'm sorry, boss," the lad faltered.
"Sorry be durned!" shouted the grocer. "Who's going to pay me for my horse?"
"I'll make it all right, boss," said the boy soothingly. "You can take it out of my next Saturday's wages."
Before Abraham Lincoln became President he was called out of town on important law business. As he had a long distance to travel he hired a horse from a livery stable. When a few days later he returned he took the horse back to the stable and asked the man who had given it to him: "Keep this horse for funerals?"
"No, indeed," answered the man indignantly.
"Glad to hear it," said Lincoln; "because if you did the corpse wouldn't get there in time for the resurrection."
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling. No one came to the door.
As he stood on the doorstep the water from the eaves trickled down his collar. He rapped again. Still no answer. He could feel the stream of water coursing down his back. Another spell of pounding, and finally the red head of a lad of twelve was stuck out of the second story window.
"Watcher want?" it asked.
"I want to know if I can stay here over night," the traveler answered testily.
The red-headed lad watched the man for a minute or two before answering.
"Ye kin fer all of me," he finally answered, and then closed the window.
The old friends had had three days together.
"You have a pretty place here, John," remarked the guest on the morning of his departure. "But it looks a bit bare yet."
"Oh, that's because the trees are so young," answered the host comfortably. "I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you come again."
A youngster of three was enjoying a story his mother was reading aloud to him when a caller came. In a few minutes his mother was called to the telephone. The boy turned to the caller and said "Now you beat it home." Ollie James, the famous Kentucky Congressman and raconteur, hails from a little town in the western part of the state, but his patriotism is state-wide, and when Louisville made a bid for the last Democratic national convention she had no more enthusiastic supporter than James. A Denver supporter was protesting.
"Why, you know, Colonel," said he, "Louisville couldn't take care of the crowds. Even by putting cots in the halls, parlors, and the dining-rooms of the hotels there wouldn't be beds enough."
"Beds!" echoed the genial Congressman, "why, sir, Louisville would make her visitors have such a thundering good time that no gentleman would think of going to bed!"
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,And your cordial which was welcome.
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,And your cordial which was welcome.
I thank you for your welcome which was cordial,
And your cordial which was welcome.
Here's to the host and the hostess,We're honored to be here tonight;May they both live long and prosper,May their star of hope ever be bright.
Here's to the host and the hostess,We're honored to be here tonight;May they both live long and prosper,May their star of hope ever be bright.
Here's to the host and the hostess,
We're honored to be here tonight;
May they both live long and prosper,
May their star of hope ever be bright.
In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck."—Country Life.
A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremost one, and the others stopped to devour it. But they soon caught up with him, and he shot another, which was in turn devoured. This was repeated until the last famished wolf was almost upon him with yearning jaws, when—
"Say, partner," broke in one of the listeners, "according to your reckoning that last famished wolf must have had the other 'leven inside of him."
"Well, come to think it over," said the story teller, "maybe he wasn't so darned famished after all."
A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of game.
After a time a solitary snipe rose, and promptly fell to the visitor's first barrell.
The host's face fell also.
"We may as well return," he remarked, gloomily, "for that was the only snipe in the neighborhood."
The bird had afforded excellent sport to all his friends for six weeks.
See Haste.
"Is she making him a good wife?"
"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."
A husband and wife ran a freak show in a certain provincial town, but unfortunately they quarreled, and the exhibits were equally divided between them. The wife decided to continue business as an exhibitor at the old address, but the husband went on a tour.
After some years' wandering the prodigal returned, and a reconciliation took place, as the result of which they became business partners once more. A few mornings afterward the people of the neighborhood were sent into fits of laughter on reading the following notice in the papers:
"By the return of my husband my stock of freaks has been permanently increased."
An eminent German scientist who recently visited this country with a number of his colleagues was dining at an American house and telling how much he had enjoyed various phases of his visit.
"How did you like our railroad trains?" his host asked him.
"Ach, dhey are woonderful," the German gentleman replied; "so swift, so safe chenerally—und such luxury in all dhe furnishings und opp'indmends. All is excellent excebt one thing—our wives do not like dhe upper berths."
A couple of old grouches at the Metropolitan Club in Washington were one night speaking of an old friend who, upon his marriage, took up his residence in another city. One of the grouches had recently visited the old friend, and, naturally, the other grouch wanted news of the Benedict.
"Is it true that he is henpecked?" asked the second grouch.
"I wouldn't say just that," grimly responded the first grouch, "but I'll tell you of a little incident in their household that came within my observation. The very first morning I spent with them, our old friend answered the letter carrier's whistle. As he returned to us, in the breakfast room, he carried a letter in his hand. Turning to his wife, he said:
"'A letter for me, dear. May I open it?'"—Edwin Tarrisse.
"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.
"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."
NEIGHBOR—"I s'pose your Bill's 'ittin' the 'arp with the hangels now?"
LONG-SUFFERING WIDOW—"Not 'im. 'Ittin' the hangels wiv the 'arp's nearer 'is mark!"
"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another during a talk.
"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.
"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband—you're a habit."
MR. HENPECK—"Is my wife going out, Jane?"
JANE—"Yessir."
MR. HENPECK—"Do you know if I am going with her?"
A happily married woman, who had enjoyed thirty-three years of wedlock, and who was the grandmother of four beautiful little children, had an amusing old colored woman for a cook.
One day when a box of especially beautiful flowers was left for the mistress, the cook happened to be present, and she said: "Yo' husband send you all the pretty flowers you gits, Missy?"
"Certainly, my husband, Mammy," proudly answered the lady.
"Glory!" exclaimed the cook, "he suttenly am holdin' out well."
An absent-minded man was interrupted as he was finishing a letter to his wife, in the office. As a result, the signature read:
Your loving husband,HOPKINS BROS.
—Winifred C. Bristol.
Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again.
"How are you getting on?" Mrs. McKinley asked her a few months after her marriage.
"Fine, thank yo', ma'am," the bride answered.
"And is your husband a good provider?"
"'Deed he am a good providah, ma'am," was the enthusiastic reply. "Why, jes' dis las' week he got me five new places to wash at."
"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."
"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."
"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"
"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."—Judge.
A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen women brought their husbands.
A very man—not one of nature's clods—With human failings, whether saint or sinner:Endowed perhaps with genius from the godsBut apt to take his temper from his dinner.—J. G. Saxe.
A very man—not one of nature's clods—With human failings, whether saint or sinner:Endowed perhaps with genius from the godsBut apt to take his temper from his dinner.
A very man—not one of nature's clods—
With human failings, whether saint or sinner:
Endowed perhaps with genius from the gods
But apt to take his temper from his dinner.
—J. G. Saxe.
—J. G. Saxe.
A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out the eye of the man behind her.
"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.
OLD MONEY (dying)—"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes, dear."
YOUNG WIFE—"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very kind you were when you left me."
An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:
"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease of experience.
"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred in her sleep and pushed me on the head.
"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.
"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her hand, and she dozed off again!"
MR. HOMEBODY—"I see you keep copies of all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating yourself?"
MR. FARAWAY—"No. To avoid contradicting myself."