CHAPTER V.
Fakir Maxims—A Happy Meeting—Auction Business—Talk and Auction Gags—The Boy Auctioneer—Parting With Prof. Carter.
Before we separated the doctor gave me some parting words of admonition.
“My son,” he said, beaming on me in a proud and happy way—for were not his pockets filled to bursting with the result of the raid on B——.? “it is dead easy to work the public if you have confidence in yourself, and a thorough understanding of the people with whom you deal.
“I have been in the business a good many years, and I know whereof I speak. You will have your downs as well as ups, since you are a young man, and cannot always gauge the amount of strength needed, or know the exact nature of the forces which must be brought to bear. You will probably be beaten sometimes, and busted often; but under every circumstance, never despair. You were put here to make a living, and if you don’t succeed it is your own fault. I have given you an insight into different branches of fakirdom; cultivate the rest after the same fashion. They are all alike, and founded on the same general principles. These monitions heed:
“Never carry an old sample case. It looks bad and hurts your business.
“Put your whole heart and soul into business, and ‘stick to your knitting.’
“A good argument for one thing answers as well for another. Don’t forget it.
“Get to the level of your customer, but remain a gentleman.
“Flatter the young woman of the house. If you have her, you’ve got the mother; and nine times out of ten the gray mare is the better horse.
“It is much easier to bamboozle a woman than a man, but the profits are apt to be less. Too much time is wasted, and time is money.
“Don’t make a second call, unless you have time to burn. Stay with a man as long as there is hope, and then leave him for some one else to warm over. If he wants you he’ll send for you; if he don’t, he’s thought of a dozen arguments against you he didn’t advance before.
“One gift to the wife or daughter of a landlord is worth more to secure attention than tips to a dozen waiters.
“There is nothing will do you more good than church going. If it don’t happen to save your soul it will surely help your pockets.
“Hold your own. If you take a little of some people’s mouths they will think you a fool, and give you a great deal more.
“A trunk and a bank account are both evidences of responsibility, even if the one is empty and the other is small. If you can’t conquer both, carry a trunk, anyhow.
“A few good names at the top of a list brings Tom, Dick and Harry at the tail; but if you begin with Tom, Dick and Harry, the list will be all tail, and a short one at that.
“There’s a fortune in a new fake, but it won’t work in the same community twice; and two of a kind coming close together make a bad pair.
“If, when you are hard up, you think of a scheme which seems likely, try it. You have nothing to lose and everything to win. If you waste time trying to decide, or to think of something better, the golden moment may slip by.”
Such maxims he poured forth for my future guidance. He then told me he was going to Chicago to prepare for the further work, asked me to keep him advised where a letter would reach me, and promising to post me in regard to any novelties in the market. After some other talk about our hopes and intentions he left me. It was long before I saw him again.
I confess I felt a trifle lonely, and at a loss what to do with myself. I had plenty of money for present needs, and a little capital with which I could purchase a small stock of something to sell; but I did not at the moment know what I wanted or which way to turn, and the doctor had offered no suggestions. It was an understood matter that I was to at least try to hoe my own row.
I lounged down to the station, and while staring aimlessly after a departing train was surprised to hear my own name called and have some one slap me on the back.
I looked around quickly, and lo, it was my old friend, the lightning rod man.
We shook hands heartily, while I expressed my surprise at seeing him, and curiosity to know how he came to be here, when I supposed he was at Davenport, and hardly able to hobble out of the hospital.
He explained it in short order. The broken bones had knit very nicely and rapidly. He was now on his way to a neighboring city to look after a small stock of goods for which, some six months before, he had traded a patent right. The goods were not worth much, but neither was the patent, and he thought that by taking them out of storage he could realize expenses and enough to keep him afloat until he was entirely ready once more for business.
“What sort of goods are they?” I asked, at once alive to the possibility which might lurk behind the name.
“Notions and ready-made clothing,” he answered. “I believe there is some good stuff in it, too; but the whole lot is out of date, and part of it damaged.”
“All right; I’ll go along with you and help you. Just now I’ve nothing to do.”
“But what have you been doing, and how are you off for coin? You have hardly made a fortune in soap-foam signs.”
I explained briefly then, and afterwards at greater length.
We took the train together that evening, and I told him my little experiences since we parted. The next day we hunted up the stock, which he told me had been valued as low as nine hundred dollars, but which, when opened out, made quite a respectable showing. We also rented a large, vacant store-room. I told him the people didn’t know me, and consequently would not know the goods, and I was confident there could be good money made selling them off at auction. As he had very little money, I advanced what was necessary, and proposed to act as auctioneer myself.
“All right,” he answered, “let it go at that. If we make even a couple of hundred dollars out of it I will be satisfied—so it is cash.”
“If we can sell anything at all we surely can get that,” I assured him.
Mr. Carlysle was a trifle dubious about my abilities, but my late little experiences had helped me wonderfully, and given me thorough confidence. I thought, moreover, of a dodge which, no matter what the line, has always worked. I assumed as youthful an appearance as possible and he had me advertised all over town as “The boy auctioneer.” That brought the people out in swarms, and when I saw the crowd we had succeeded in gathering I knew we had ‘em. Carlysle had given me a thorough coaching in private, and I felt that there was no danger of being at a loss for something to say. When I began I confess I was a trifle nervous from stage fright, but after selling a few minor articles I was all right and ready to start in full swing. If there is anything the boy from a farm has heard it is the patter of an auctioneer. I had listened to it a hundred times, and I went on something like this:
“Gentlemen, you all know I am no resident merchant, and before I get fairly into this sale I wish to make an explanation.
“I traded for this stock of goods, and under the circumstances it is a white elephant on my hands. The quicker I get rid of it the better off I will be. When I say I am going to close out this stock regardless of cost or value I mean it, I positively mean it.
“The first thing I shall put up will be a fine, custom-made suit of clothing. Mr. Carlysle, will you please hand me up the very best suit you can find in the lot.”
Mr. Carlysle, after looking around a moment, passed up the suit already agreed on.
“Now, gentlemen, here is a nice, black, custom-made suit of clothes that cost twenty-six dollars, direct from the manufacturer. If you will look carefully at the price marked on the collar you will see it was intended to sell at thirty-five. How much am I offered as a starter? How much, gentlemen? Make a bid. I don’t care how much or how little. Your price is my price, and whatever you say goes.
“Will you give twenty dollars?”
“No; will you give ten dollars? Five dollars? No? Two dollars? Not even two dollars? Well, then, who’ll offer me one dollar?
“Ah, thank you, sir. Now, there is a man with a level head.
“I don’t like to start a thirty-five dollar suit of clothes for one dollar, but I’ll do it, just the same, and here goes.
“One dollar I’m offered, one dollar, one dollar; who’ll make it two?
“Thank you, sir. Two dollars, two dollars, two dollars I have; who’ll make it three?
“Three dollars I have; who is generous enough to bring it up to four?
“Yes; there is a smart man over yonder, who knows a good thing when he sees it. Four dollars I have, at four, at four, at four; who’ll make it five? who’ll make it five?
“Remember, gentlemen, this is a genuine, all wool, imported English worsted, that cost twenty-six dollars, and was price-marked thirty-five. We guarantee a fit if you are near the size, or refund the money. Do I hear the five? Will you give the five. Who’ll say the five? Will you make the five, at four, at four, at four and going, going—going at four. At four, at four, at four—did I hear the five? Holy smoke. What’s the matter with this town? Do you want a man to stand up here and yell his lungs out for a dollar? Why, I’m twenty-two dollars in the hole, now, as it stands. Do you expect me to get up here and sell you twenty dollar gold pieces for the small sum of ten cents?
“It’s a crying shame for you to stand here and let a thirty-five dollar suit of clothes go for four dollars. Why, it’s worth more than that for an every-day, knock-around business outfit, to say nothing of the fact that it’s all right for dress occasions. What, four fifty do I hear? No, sir; I don’t take a half dollar bid at this stage of the proceedings. If you’ll raise it fifty cents I’ll cry your bid. All right. Thank you, sir. Five I have; now, who’ll give me six?
“Look here gentlemen, I am willing to sacrifice the stock, but I hate to be compelled to actually give it away. Why, it would be a shame to the town to sell a suit like that for five dollars. Some of you fellows down there, with ruffles on your pants, can’t you make it six? And if you’re not satisfied after wearing it five years come back and I’ll make you a present of one hundred dollars.
“I can’t dwell all day on a single article; so, be lively with your bids, or I’ll knock it down before you can wink. At five, at five, at five, at five, at five, at five—will you give me the six?
“No? Five once, five twice, five third and last go—did I hear the six?
“At last. Just in time; so, six I have; at six, at six, at six. Come along with your little bids now. I hear six and a half. Who’ll make it seven? I tell you, gentlemen, in after years this sacrifice may cause me to shed many a bitter tear, but like the great majority it has got to go, unless some fair-minded person makes it seven. Six fifty? Six fifty? Will no one raise it fifty? Six dollars fifty, once. Six dollars fifty, twice. Six fifty, third and last call, and sold—to that gentleman there under the gas light, and a mighty good bargain.”
This was a good sale all around, and after this suit was sold I felt more than ever confident, and was ready for whatever came next. I went on:
“Now, then, gentlemen, don’t be impatient. There is plenty more clothing, but I really must protect my own interests a little bit. When I said I was going to sell this stock regardless of cost or value I didn’t mean I would give away the picked lots and throw in a chromo to have you take them. I know, when you get your eyes open, you’ll meet me half way; and here is an eye-opener, and the expense will neither make nor break you.
“Here is a job lot of combs, coarse combs, fine combs, horse combs, honey combs and the comb of a roof; we’ll take this fine tooth comb first.
“Here it is, gentlemen, already for business, white as the driven snow, and with two rows of teeth as sharp as the edge of a fine razor. I will guarantee it to catch ‘em every time, dead or alive. It’s a sure winner, a double-geared, switch-back combination, that will work either forward or backward, without a single kick. It is hand-turned, double-soled, and made from genuine ivory, worth four hundred dollars a pound, and a good day for elephants at that. How much do I hear to start it? Will you give me a quarter? No? Will you give me a dime? No? Do I hear any one whisper the ridiculous small sum of a nickel? What! Don’t shake your heads sideways; always shake them up and down.
“Hurry up your bids, gentlemen. Tempus Fugit, as the astronomer says. Time flies. Yes, time flies; and so do the little vermin this comb is warranted to lay low. Will no one give me a bid? I never saw a lousy man buy a comb in my life. You needn’t be ashamed. You won’t find a sale on record, from the time Noah made a clearing sale on closing business at the ark, where the purchaser needed the article for his own use. Slip it in the package the next time you want to send some books to a starving cripple who has just lost his spectacles, and when you are nosing around for something to put in the contribution box for the poor, benighted heathen, think how handy it would be to have it in the house. Does nobody say five cents? Third and last call at—thank you. You’ll take it. Sold at five cents. You’re a clear-headed man for sure, and I hope there is more in the crowd.”
There was a laugh at this, and I began to feel more confident than ever. I kept on at the combs until I had sold the entire assortment. By and by I opened a watch.
The crowd was willing, but slow to start. Each man wanted to take time to consider the outside figure he was willing to pay for the article, provided he had the least thought of purchasing. I was satisfied to let the customer have plenty of time, because he might make a bid, even if it was within the figure he placed as the top notch. If he once began bidding, such a limit would cut no ice at all. After some preliminary remarks I shouted at the top of my voice:
“Under or over the top of God’s green earth I never saw the like before. You stand perpetually blind to your own interests, and wait for the other fellow to get the bargain. When I offer you a fifty dollar watch I can’t even get a four dollar bid on it, and still you wonder why you are poor.
“Now, gentlemen, remember that this is a fact, a tried, tested and practical fact. Everywhere in this generation, the human mind is busier than ever in extending its prerogatives. If you don’t believe me turn to the ninth chapter of Isaiah and read the twenty-fourth verse where it says, ‘It is easier for an elephant to walk through the eye of a needle than a poor man to enter into the kingdom of heaven,’
“The physical necessity of mental activity in every practical sense confers upon the mind the power of determining the actual strength of longevity. So, prepare yourselves, gentlemen, for one of the most startling revelations yet to come. We are living in times when people know what goods are. To keep abreast with them we must organize and increase our capacity to thirty million times its natural strength and power.
“To illustrate, look back along the ages and see that poor man there, bending over the stone mortar, pulverizing the fluidy grains into a more minute form. Watch him. See. He stops and gazes at yonder precipitous torrent thundering down a rocky channel in its course. There, a thought has struck him. He begins to whistle, and then to whittle, for he learned to whistle soon after he learned to breathe.
“His hands are clumsy, but brains furnish skill, and practice makes perfect. He gears together a dozen wooden wheels, some horizontal, some perpendicular, and makes a mortar, such as he had never seen before that moment of inspiration. He turns on the water. The wheel revolves. The mortar grinds, and out rolls the meal in a golden stream, while he claps his hands in triumph, and thinks what the machine would do if it were a thousand times stronger.
“Therefore, remember, gentlemen, I am not conscientiously, virtuously, righteously nor religiously, but just good naturedly, giving these goods away.
“Here is this watch, now; a fine Elgin, with a twenty-year case set in two plates of gold, adjusted to both heat and cold, with economical hair spring, regulated by sun, moon and stars, and it will even tell you the price of cheese in Canada. I’m not going to force you to take it at this moment, and as no one seems ready to make a decent bid I’ll lay it by until the gang gets in from the railroad, and switch off on to this elegant suit of underwear.
“How much am I offered to start it, the choice with the privilege? Remember, these garments are all wool, through and through, double-hitched and double-stitched, ribbed up and down, as perfectly seamless as the leg of a woman’s stocking, and guaranteed to live three years without washing. The winter days are fast coming on, when underwear will be more precious than diamonds, and the tariff will send prices up a-booming. Take a pair of these drawers homeland after wearing them all winter you can sneak around to some dressmaker in the spring, and she can fix them so the old woman can wear them next summer. Now, don’t all bid at once. Yes, yes, I’m listening. That’s right. Keep it up. You can’t all have this one pair, and they go to that man over there, cheap as dirt and good as gold. Here’s another suit. Shall we start them where the other left off—and who speaks first?”
The second set went higher than the first, and there was no trouble to close out the entire line, for the articles were good lookers and, as I had told them, the season was coming when they would be needed. The watch went later on at a very good price, and, in fact, the entire stock of stuff rattled off like hot cakes, whilst I succeeded in keeping the crowd in good buying humor to the very last. It took several weeks to finish up the job, but when the hammer came down for the last time I had cleaned out everything, even to the empty boxes, and Carlysle had in his pocket several hundred dollars. I received a hundred for my labors, and might have had more, but I did not care to rob a man who had been my friend and had risked my gaining experience and confidence at his expense. We got out of the place together, but I dropped off the train at the next considerable city and, like Alexander, looked around for more worlds to conquer.