O'MARA: (Smiling.) Well, I don't know but what you're just as well off. (Enter INSPECTOR door C., O'MARA comes from behind desk and stands above it for INSPECTOR to cross him.)
PERKINS: Good evenin', Inspector.
INSPECTOR: (Glancing about room, without stopping, goes straight to stool behind desk.) How are you, boys! (INSPECTOR salutes O'MARA as he passes him, O'MARA returns the salute, then goes to upper end of desk, where he stands.)
BROOKY: How do you do, sir.
INSPECTOR: (Back of desk.) Well, O'Mara. They've got the Eel.
O'MARA: They have?
INSPECTOR: Dugan is on his way up with him now.
PERKINS: I guess it will go pretty hard with him, won't it Inspector?
INSPECTOR: If he is guilty.
PERKINS: Well, he is, isn't he?
INSPECTOR: I believe every man innocent until proven guilty.
BROOKY: Bravo, Inspector! Those are my sentiments.
INSPECTOR: I've sent for Mrs. Worthington. When we get her, Goldie, the Eel and Dugan together, we shall be able to get a clearer view on the matter. Bring up Goldie. (O'MARA exits door L.)
PERKINS: (Coming R. C.) Inspector, has this girl Goldie Marshall ever been up before?
INSPECTOR: Well, she's been arrested a number of times, on shop-lifting charges, but we've never been able to prove anything on her.
PERKINS: Perhaps she's square after all.
INSPECTOR: Not at all unlikely; as I said before, I believe a person innocent until proven guilty.
BROOKY: (Crossing R. to railing of desk.) And as I said before—Bravo, old chap. (The INSPECTOR looks at BROOKY sternly and he retires up stage R. confusedly, bumping into chair, sits in it.)
PERKINS: (Crossing R. to railing.) Inspector?
INSPECTOR: Well?
PERKINS: I suppose many a person has been railroaded through theSystem?
INSPECTOR: (Rising angrily.) System! How dare you! What do you mean?
PERKINS: I—I—beg your pardon, Inspector, I—
BROOKY: (Rising from chair and coming down L. of PERKINS.)I say, don't make a bally ass of yourself.
INSPECTOR: Don't ever let me hear you say that again. (Voices ofO'MARA and GOLDIE are heard off L.) (Enter GOLDIE, followed byO'MARA. Door L.)
GOLDIE: (Jerking away from O'MARA.) Well, don't yank my arm off.(Looking around room.) I know the way. (Starts R.)
O'MARA: (Following GOLDIE, catches her by the back of neck as she reaches C.) Don't give me any back talk or I'll yank your neck off.
INSPECTOR: O'Mara! let go your hold. Don't forget you're dealing with a woman. (O'MARA releases hold.)
GOLDIE: (Mockingly courteous.) Thanks, Inspector! What'll I send you for Christmas, a bunch of sweet forget-me-nots or a barrel of pickles?
INSPECTOR: Goldie, don't be so incorrigible.
GOLDIE: Gee! but you're an educated guy.
INSPECTOR: Have a seat. (O'MARA jumps for chair with mock politeness.)
GOLDIE: (To reporters.) He's polite, too. (Crosses to chair.)
INSPECTOR: Well, Goldie!
GOLDIE: (Sitting.) Well, Inspector!
INSPECTOR: Do you intend to stay here to-night or are you going to get bail?
GOLDIE: Where would I get bail?
INSPECTOR: I thought perhaps some gentleman friend of yours—
GOLDIE: (Rising angrily.) I ain't got no gentlemen friends. What do you think I am, a Moll? (Sits.)
INSPECTOR: Don't make any grand stand play now, Goldie!
GOLDIE: Well, if you mean that I'm a bad girl, you'd better not say it (Rising, crosses to desk and pounds angrily on railing.), 'cause I ain't, see?
INSPECTOR: Well, you don't deny that you and the Eel are sweethearts?
GOLDIE: Was, yes. Gee, we was goin' to get married, until in a jealous huff he tried to kill me and was shipped for two years for assault and battery, but it wasn't none of my doin's.
INSPECTOR: Didn't you prefer charges against him?
GOLDIE: I did not. Do you think I'd squeal on a pal? If it wasn't for Dugan, they'd turn the Eel loose. (Sits.)
INSPECTOR: Why Dugan?
GOLDIE: Didn't he shove him in?
INSPECTOR: He was simply acting in his official duty.
GOLDIE: Official duty, my eye.
INSPECTOR: What other motive could Mr. Dugan possibly have had?
GOLDIE: (With a sneer.) Maybe you don't know. Well, I'll tell you. He thought by shovin' the Eel out of the way, he could get me.
INSPECTOR: And did he?
GOLDIE: Not so as you could notice it. I ain't no fall guy for nobody.
INSPECTOR: Now that the Eel's been sprung, are you going back to him?
GOLDIE: (Almost in tears.) Oh gee! I wish I could, but there's nothing doin', he's sore on me.
INSPECTOR: When did you last see him?
GOLDIE: Just before he went up, two years ago.
INSPECTOR: How about this Worthington robbery, wasn't he in on it?
GOLDIE: (Hastily.) No, he wasn't.
INSPECTOR: (Quickly.) Who was?
GOLDIE: (After a slight pause as though to confess.) Well, I'll tell you. There was three of us, me, Jesse James, and Christopher Columbus. (Looks first at INSPECTOR then to PERKINS.) Ah, put it down on your little yellow paper.
INSPECTOR: (Angrily.) Answers like that'll get you nothing here.
GOLDIE: See, you won't believe me when I tell you.
INSPECTOR: Silence, I say! (To O'MARA.) Take her down. (GOLDIE rises from chair leisurely and strolls impudently L. as she comes to BROOKY.) Oh, poo! poo!
INSPECTOR: (Stopping GOLDIE at door L.) And you'll stay down unless you have a confession to make.
GOLDIE: (At door L.) Say, Inspector, if you're waitin' for a confession from me, you'll wait until pigs fly kites. (Exit door L. GOLDIE followed by O'MARA.) (PERKINS and BROOKY look off after them.)
BROOKY: What a little terror!
PERKINS: Looks mighty like her work, doesn't it, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: No! The job has all the ear marks of the Eel, but she undoubtedly is his accomplice. (Enter MRS. WORTHINGTON door C., she looks around uncomfortably and as she comes down C., BROOKY and PERKINS on seeing her, remove their hats. INSPECTOR rises and indicates chair R. C.) Ah! Mrs. Worthington! (Indicating Reporters.) Have you any objection to talking for publication?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: (Looking toward Reports.) No, not at all. (PERKINS has note paper and takes down as she talks.)
INSPECTOR: Will you kindly be seated? And we shall proceed? (MRS.W. sits.) Now in the first place, how long had this girl, GoldieMarshall, been in your employ?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: Just one week.
INSPECTOR: (Half aside.) That's about the time the Eel was sprung. (To Mrs. W.) Had you missed anything else up to the time of this robbery?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: No, nothing.
INSPECTOR: Who else was in the house at the time, besides yourself and the maid?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: Only my guests who were at dinner with me. Mr.Appleby and his wife.
INSPECTOR: The horseowner?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: Yes, and a Miss Hazelton from Pittsburgh.
INSPECTOR: Would you suspect them?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: Well, hardly.
INSPECTOR: Anyone else?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: Yes, Mr. Dugan.
INSPECTOR: What Dugan?
MRS. WORTHINGTON: Why, your Mr. Dugan here.
INSPECTOR: Oh, Tim Dugan.
MRS. WORTHINGTON: Yes, we're great friends, and he frequently dines at my house. (Low murmur begins in the distance and grows louder. MRS. W. rises in fear and appeals to the INSPECTOR, who comes from behind the desk and—)
INSPECTOR: Don't be alarmed, Mrs. Worthington, just step behind the desk. (MRS. WORTHINGTON steps back of desk and sits in chair below stool. INSPECTOR replaces the chair in which MRS. W. has been sitting in front of the window R. C. then returns to back of desk where he stands. The REPORTERS at first sound show excitement, PERKINS goes to door C. and looks off R. B.)
PERKINS: (At door C.) It's Dugan and he's got the Eel. (Goes down L. C.) (DUGAN is seen out of window R. bringing the EEL along, who is hand-cuffed. They are followed by a noisy crowd. DUGAN throws the EEL down, C., then chases the crowd away from door C.)
EEL: (Looks around smiling until he sees INSPECTOR.) Hello, Inspector! Gee! it's real oil for the wicks of my lamps to see you again.
DUGAN: (Coming down C.) Yes, he's tickled to death to see you, ain't you, Billy?
EEL: (Angrily.) The Eel to you, Copper; Billy to my pals.
INSPECTOR: Well, Billy!
EEL: That's right, Inspector, you're my pal. (Movement from INSPECTOR.) Oh, I ain't forgot when you was just a plain Bull and saved me from doin' my first bit on a phoney charge. They tried to railroad me, you remember, and Dugan here was runnin' the engine.
INSPECTOR: Oh, you've got Dugan wrong, Billy, he bears you no malice.
EEL: No, it's a mistake, he just loves me. Say, he thinks so much of me, that if he saw me drowning, he'd bring me a glass of water.
DUGAN: You know why you were brought here?
EEL: Sure, so's you could railroad me again.
INSPECTOR: Nonsense, Dugan has nothing against you personally.
EEL: Oh yes he has; when he was new on the force, I beat him up good. He was only a harness cop then, and one night he thought he made me coppin' a super from a lush, which you know ain't my graft. He started to fan me with a sap, so I just clubbed my smoke wagon, and before I got through with him, I made him a pick-up for the ambulance, and he ain't never forgot it.
INSPECTOR: What do you know about this Worthington robbery? (EEL looks around suspiciously.) Before you answer, Billy, I warn you to be careful, everything you say will be used against you.
EEL: Yes, and everything I don't say will be used, too. I know the system.
DUGAN: (Crossing R. to EEL. REPORTERS follow.) Well, what have you got to say?
EEL: (Taking time, looks around.) You don't think I'm goin' to address this Mass Meeting here. (BROOKY looks L. to see if there is anyone else there.)
INSPECTOR: You're not afraid to talk in front of a couple of newspaper reporters, are you?
EEL: (Grinning at INSPECTOR to gain time.) Roosevelt gets a dollar a word, where do I come in? (Resignedly.) All right, flag the pencil pushers and I'll gab my nob. (DUGAN turns L. to tell the REPORTERS to go. BROOKY says he don't understand. PERKINS pulls him off door C., remonstrating, going R.) (The INSPECTOR signs to DUGAN that they will now grill the EEL.)
INSPECTOR: This lady I suppose you know.
EEL: (Looks at MRS. WORTHINGTON.) I never lamped her before in my life.
DUGAN: That is Mrs. Worthington, the lady you robbed.
EEL: (Banteringly to MRS. WORTHINGTON to gain time.) Is it? How do you do, pleased to meet you. Gee! but you must be an awful mark to be robbed. (INSPECTOR raps on desk.) What was it I stole from you, Mrs. Worthington?
DUGAN: Nix on that bull. You know what you stole.
EEL: Yes, and I suppose you know what I stole before I stole it.
DUGAN: With dips like you, I always look far ahead.
EEL: Get out! you couldn't look far enough ahead to see the ashes on your cigar. Why, if it wasn't for your stool pigeons—
DUGAN: That's enough out of you.
EEL: Oh, go chase yourself. (DUGAN smashes at EEL, who ducks around back of him.)
INSPECTOR: Dugan!!! (When Dugan locates the EEL, he goes after him again. MRS. WORTHINGTON screams.)
INSPECTOR: None of that, Dugan! Remember, he had no marks on him when you brought him in. (DUGAN crosses L. in front of EEL and looks off door L. in subdued rage.) A little more civility out of you, Bradley.
EEL: All right, Inspector. (To MRS. W.) I beg your pardon, lady.
INSPECTOR: You have been brought here as a suspect in a five thousand dollar jewelry theft which happened at the home of Mrs. Worthington last night. (EEL makes no move.) Circumstances point strongly in your direction. Your former sweetheart, Goldie Marshall, was serving as maid to Mrs. Worthington at the time of the robbery.
EEL: And you think I planted her there as a stall.
DUGAN: Goldie spilled that much, and we didn't, have to third degree her.
EEL: So Goldie declared me in on this?
INSPECTOR: She couldn't help it, we knew it was a two-man's job.
EEL: She snitched me into a frame-up.
DUGAN: Same as she did two years ago.
EEL: Why say, Inspector, I ain't seen Goldie since I was sprung from the Pen.
DUGAN: Is that so? I got it straight that the first place you mozied to was Goldie's flat on East Broadway. You were trailed.
EEL: Sure I was, by one of you pathfinders at the Central Office.Oh, I've played tag with you before; Dugan, whatever you say, is.
INSPECTOR: Then you admit—
EEL: I don't admit nothin'.
INSPECTOR: Be careful what you say. Have you retained counsel?
EEL: A mouthpiece! What for?
INSPECTOR: You've got to be represented. Have you any money?
EEL: Sure! I left the hotel of Zebra clothed with a pocket full of smiles and a wad of joy. (INSPECTOR whispers for O'MARA to bring up GOLDIE. O'MARA exits door L.)
INSPECTOR: Well, the state will furnish you with an attorney.
EEL: What, one of them record shysters? Eighty years old and never won a case. No, thanks, Inspector. I'll plead my own case; then I got at least a chance to beat this rap.
DUGAN: You'd have a swell time pleading your own case.
EEL: Yes, and believe me I'll spring a sensation when I open up. I'll show up some of this rotten graft. I'll bust "The System " to smithereens. Dugan, I won't be railroaded—(EEL crosses in rage L. to Dugan.)
INSPECTOR: Bradley! hold your tongue, you've said enough.
EEL: I ain't said half what I'm going to say—
INSPECTOR: (Fiercely.) Not another word out of you. Do you understand?
EEL: (Coming down.) All right, Inspector. I don't want to get anybody that's right, in bad, but I've got something up my sleeve. (DUGAN laughs and goes up stage.) (GOLDIE enters door L. brought in by O'MARA. She is startled at seeing EEL, then pleadingly:)
GOLDIE: Billy! (EEL turns and is about to go to GOLDIE but stops.)
EEL: You snitched again! You snitched again! (Running L. to GOLDIE with arms up as though to hit her with hand-cuffs. GOLDIE snatches his upraised arms.)
GOLDIE: Oh no, Billy! True as God I didn't!
DUGAN: (Aside to INSPECTOR.) Let's leave them alone, they'll talk.(MRS. WORTHINGTON, INSPECTOR, DUGAN and O'MARA exit door R.)
GOLDIE: (Still holding EEL'S arms.) Why, I'd rather die than snitch.
EEL: (Jerking away and going R.) How about two years ago?
GOLDIE: I didn't even then when you left me dying. They framed you while I was in the hospital.
EEL: Who?
GOLDIE: Dugan and his—
EEL: Sh!!! Oh if I could only believe you, kid.
GOLDIE: Look at me, Billy. Do you think I'd snitch?
EEL: (Looks at her, then pushes her head roughly back.) No, I can't believe you did it, kid. (EEL takes GOLDIE in his arms.)
GOLDIE: (Sobbingly.) I'm so glad to see you again.
EEL: Me, too, kid. Gee, your head feels as natural on my shoulder as a piece of pie on a prize-fighter's knife. (EEL takes GOLDIE from his shoulder and says inquiringly.) But what are you doing here?
GOLDIE: (Drying her tears.) Bein' held on suspicion, but they can't get met I'm protected. Dugan's got to—
EEL: Nix on the crackin', don't shoot your trap, they're leavin' us together for a stall. Talk about something else. (EEL turns R. and GOLDIE grabs his hand.) Do you still love me?
GOLDIE: Always.
EEL: Will you marry me?
GOLDIE: If you want me to.
EEL: You know I do. (Looks around suspiciously.) Say, if I beat this rap (DUGAN comes, on door R., and stands at upper end of desk), let's get spliced and go out West, turn over a new leaf, and begin life all over again, far away from the subway world where the sun of happiness is always clouded and the ace of joy is coppered. What do you say?
GOLDIE: Gee! them's the kindest words you've ever said to me. (Then lightly.) And I'll march down the aisle with you, with my hair in a braid.
EEL: Great!! Gee, I wonder if we could make our get-away now. (Both start for door C., but DUGAN, who has come down behind them, stops them.)
DUGAN: How do you do! Would you like to take a little trip out in the air with me?
GOLDIE: Say, I'd rather be home with the headache, than at theMovies with a guy like you. (Crosses L.) (INSPECTOR enters doorR. going behind desk.)
INSPECTOR: Well, have you got anything to say to me before I lock you up for the night?
EEL: Nothin', except that it's a frame-up, and we defy you to go through with it.
INSPECTOR: Take 'em down.
DUGAN: (Above door L.) Come on. (EEL starts for door L.)
GOLDIE: Good-night, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Good-night.
EEL: (Turning at door L.) Same from me, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Good-night, Bradley. (DUGAN shoves the EEL roughly off.GOLDIE circles around and switches in front of DUGAN.) By the way,Goldie, what's the number of your flat on East Broadway?
GOLDIE: (Hesitatingly at door L.) 327, Inspector.
INSPECTOR: Thanks.
GOLDIE: (Impudently.) You're welcome. (Exit door L. followed byDUGAN.) (O'MARA locks door after them.)
INSPECTOR: (Calling O'MARA.) O'Mara!
O'MARA: (At door L.) Yes, sir.
INSPECTOR: I want a wire installed at 327 East Broadway.
O'MARA: (In front of desk.) Goldie's flat?
INSPECTOR: Yes. I'm leaving it to you to see that the orders are carried out to the letter.
O'MARA: Yes, sir, to-morrow.
INSPECTOR: To-night, at once. I'm going to turn them loose. You understand?
O'MARA: (Looks puzzled, then face brightens.) I understand.
Showing flat house with stoop. Time: The same evening. A small boy enters L. with bottle of milk, goes up steps door C., rings bell, clicker sounds, and he exits door C. MAGGIE enters door C. She is an East side janitress. She has a tin pail on her arm around which is wrapped newspaper. She walks off L. PERKINS and BROOKY are heard off R.)
PERKINS: (Entering R. briskly.) Come on, Brooky, don't be so slow.
BROOKY: (Straggling in after PERKINS.) I say, old chap, this sort of work is most laborious. This flitting from one tram to another, and being jostled and ordered to "step lively" by vulgar guards, and running, yes actually running. It's not only bad taste, old man, but positively undignified. (Dusting shoes with handkerchief, L., PERKINS is up in vestibule of door C.)
PERKINS: If you want to supply your paper with live news, you've got to keep hustling.
BROOKY: Very true, but it seems such a waste of energy.
PERKINS: (Coming down to BROOKY.) No energy is wasted that is productive of flaring headlines. Now take that note pad I gave you, and get your pencil busy with a description of this neighborhood. (Goes R. making notes.)
BROOKY: (Taking paper and pencil from pockets after a search for them.) This is more like being a Scotland Yarder than a reporter.
PERKINS: A Scotland Yarder!
BROOKY: I should say detective.
PERKINS: (Coming L.) Let me tell you something, Brooky. The reporters and newspapers unravel more cases than the police.
BROOKY: I dare say you do. You're so damned inquisitive.
PERKINS: It isn't inquisitiveness, my boy, it's just being on the level with the public.
BROOKY: (Laughing.) You know, some great man said, "The public be damned."
PERKINS: He wasn't a great man, he was an ignorant man. The public will stand for just so much, then look out; let your mind wander back to the history of the French Revolution. An infuriated public is the most ferocious blood-lapping animal in the earth's jungle.
BROOKY: Perky, I adore your descriptive talents.
PERKINS: (Going up into vestibule and ringing bell.) You make me sick.
BROOKY: But surely you're not going to enter that apartment house unannounced?
PERKINS: No, I'll tell them a couple of reporters want some news, then you'll hear language no paper can print.
BROOKY: Why, are they all foreigners?
PERKINS: Say, Brooky, you're a perfect ass.
BROOKY: No, my dear fellow, none of us are perfect.
PERKINS: (Coming down out of vestibule to BROOKY.) Now listen, I told you that I had inside information that the EEL and GOLDIE were to be released, that's why I hustled you over here. I could have come alone, but I let you in on a big scoop for your paper.
BROOKY: Righto, old chap, righto; but what bothers me is, what's it all about?
PERKINS: It's about time you got next to yourself.
BROOKY: Another impossible metaphor, my dear fellow; how can one get next to one's self without being twins?
PERKINS: Brooky, Englishmen as a rule are thick, but you are a density of thickness that is impenetrable.
BROOKY: Yes, I know I am a rare sort.
PERKINS: Now, we haven't time to argue a lot of piffle. The girl isn't in yet, there's no answer to my ring, so let's stroll around and come back later. (Exit R.)
BROOKY: (Not seeing that PERKINS has gone.) Righto! old man, we'll stroll, for if there's anything that I like, its having a nice little—(Seeing that PERKINS is gone.) Perkins! you said stroll. Don't run, don't run, it's so damned undignified. (Exit R.) (Enter L., O'MARA dressed in citizen's clothes. He looks at number on house then motions off for TOM to come on. TOM comes on L., they go up into vestibule and look for names on bells. Enter Officer FLYNN, stealthily.)
FLYNN: Come on, now, you don't live there, I've had my eye on you for five minutes.
O'MARA: (Coming down from vestibule to FLYNN.) Well, keep your eye on something else, if you know what's good for you. (Takes badge out of pocket.)
FLYNN: (Surprised.) Central Officer! (Whistles and walks off R.)
O'MARA: (Returning to vestibule.) Ring any bell?
TOM: No, her flat's on the second floor, so I'll ring up the top flat. (TOM rings the bell and sound of electric door opener is heard, they both exit door C.) (FLYNN strolls back on from R. ad MAGGIE enters from L.)
FLYNN: Hello, Maggie! been out to get the evening paper? There is not much in it.
MAGGIE: There's enough in it to quench me thirst after a hard day's work.
FLYNN: I see you've got the paper wrapped around something good.
MAGGIE: I have that, and it's meself instead of the paper'll be wrapped around it in a minute. (Light goes up in window above.)
FLYNN: I see you've got a new tenant. Is she hard on you?
MAGGIE: Divel-a-bit! She's a nice respectable dacent girl, and aisy to get along with. I never seen her with no men folks. Maybe she's a widdy, as I'd like to be.
FLYNN: A widow? What's the matter with your old man?
MAGGIE: He ain't worth powder enough to blow up a cock-roach.
FLYNN: Is he working?
MAGGIE: He ain't done a tap since the civil war.
FLYNN: That's quite a vacation.
MAGGIE: Vacation? It's a life sentence of laziness.
FLYNN: There's many a good man layin' off.
MAGGIE: No, the good men are dyin' off, it's the bums that are layin' off.
FLYNN: (Looking at house.) Well, the landlord of this house ain't particular about his tenants.
MAGGIE: Not a bit, it's been a nest for thieves ever since I came here.
FLYNN: Well, they've got to live somewhere, the jails are overcrowded.
MAGGIE: Oh, I don't mind thim, they can steal nothin' from me but me old man, and they're welcome to him without usin' a jimmy.
FLYNN: A jimmy? You're getting on to the thief slang.
MAGGIE: Why wouldn't I? That's all I hear mornin' and night from"Tommy the Rat," "Tim the Flim," and "John the Con."
FLYNN: You know all their monakers?
MAGGIE: I do that. Say, they've given me a monaker, too.
FLYNN: What do they call you?
MAGGIE: "Mag the Jag."
FLYNN: (Laughs.) Well, I must be off. (Starts off R.)
MAGGIE: (As she goes up into vestibule.) Won't you come in and have a sup of beer and a pull at the old man's pipe?
FLYNN: I can't, I've got a stationary post.
MAGGIE: Look at that now, that shows where you stand. Good-night,John.
FLYNN: Good-night, Maggie. (Exits R.) (Enter EEL and GOLDIE arm in arm, talking earnestly. As they come to steps, GOLDIE goes up and unlocks door. EEL sees FLYNN coming up on R., he lights cigarette and motions to go in. GOLDIE exits door C. FLYNN comes up to EEL, who throws the match in his face and disappears door C. as FLYNN is rubbing his eyes.)
Living room, bedroom, and kitchen can be seen. At rise, O'MARA and TOM are installing the dictagraph, on wall L. C. TOM is standing on chair L. C. He places the instrument—then runs his hand down to wire.)
TOM: All right, Jim, hand me that picture.
O'MARA: (C. handing TOM framed picture.) Here you are, Tom.
TOM: (Hangs picture over dictagraph, gets off of chair and backs off, seeing if it's placed right.) There, that'll do, I guess.
O'MARA: Nobody would ever suspect anything's been happening here.
TOM: (Picking up bits of wire and tools from floor L. C. O'MARA puts chair TOM has been standing on, R. and brings bag C.) Pick up these pieces. Did you give the Inspector the office?
O'MARA: Twenty minutes ago.
TOM: (Putting scraps into bag.) The job took a little longer thanI thought it would.
O'MARA: (Closing bag and handing it to TOM.) Yes, and we'd better get a gait on out of here, or the EEL and his girl will be walkin' in on us. (Door slams off stage.)
BOTH: What's that!
O'MARA: It must be them!
TOM: (Starts for door R.)
O'MARA: We can't go that way.
TOM: (Indicating the window L.) The fire escape, quick. (TOM crosses quickly to window L., opens it, and goes through.)
O'MARA: (Follows TOM, but stops at window L.) Wait a minute! (Goes back, turns out light, then goes through window, closing it after him.) (Footsteps begin on steps off stage as O'MARA pulls down window.) Stage is in darkness but for the moonlight that streams in through window L. Steps sound closer. Key rattles and door is unlocked. Door R. opens just a bit at first, then GOLDIE enters, followed by the EEL.)
EEL: (Holding GOLDIE back.) Wait a minute, kid, till I strike a match.
GOLDIE: Oh, never mind, Billy, I don't need one. (Gropes her way C. and turns on light. EEL stays at door R. listening to hear if they are followed.) Home again! Gee! but that guy what said "ther ain't no place like home" must have travelled some.
EEL: (Turning around.) Yep! Gee, but this is some swell dump you got here, Kid!
GOLDIE: Ain't this classy?
(The EEL hurries into bedroom and then into kitchen as though looking for some one. GOLDIE follows him, but stops at kitchen door.) What are you looking for, the ice-box?
EEL: (Coming down to C. R. of GOLDIE.) No, it ain't that.
GOLDIE: What then, lookin' for a sleeper?
EEL: No telling what they're up to. You don't think they've given us our liberty, without a string to it, do you? They're Indian givers, they are.
(Starts for door R.)
GOLDIE: Gee, Billy! I hadn't thought of that. (Goes into bedroom and lights electric light L. of bedroom off C.)
EEL: (R. C. looking at door R.) I kind of thought I saw a light through the bottom of this door, when we was coming up the stairs.
GOLDIE: (Coming down C.) Oh, it must have been the reflection of the moon. (Takes off hat and puts it on dresser in bedroom. EEL crosses room backwards to L., holding hand in moonlight to make the shadow on bottom of door. GOLDIE watches him. EEL then turns to window and GOLDIE looks under bed.)
EEL: (Excitedly.) This latch is sprung.
GOLDIE: I must have left it open, when they hiked me down to the club house.
EEL: Are you sure?
EEL: (Going down L.) Well, then, I guess we're all right for the present at least.
GOLDIE: (Coming down C. with travelling bag which she has taken off of bed.) Yes, until Dugan finds out we've been sprung, and then he'll be after us like a cat after a mouse. (Puts bag on table up R.)
EEL: We'll be on a rattler for Chi, before that. How long will it take you to pack?
GOLDIE: (Going into bedroom.) About a half hour.
EEL: That's good. If Dugan does go after us (Chuckles.), he's got to get us first.
GOLDIE: (Coming down C. with kimono which she has taken from door C. in bedroom, and is folding.) Say, Billy, I guess I'd better lock this door. (Starts for door, but his next line stops her.)
EEL: He can't break in here without a search warrant, and he can't get that before Monday. (Lying down on couch.)
GOLDIE: Well, what's he going to get it on then? (Putting kimono in bag on table R., picking up a pair of shoes from the floor near table, but the EEL's next line stops her.)
EEL: (Still on couch.) You ought to know Dugan well enough by this time. He'll get something on us, leave it to him.
GOLDIE: (Stopping thoughtfully in door C., then throwing shoes on floor near bed decisively and coming down C.) If he does, I'll turn squealer for the first time in my life.
EEL: (Jumping off of couch quickly.) Don't you do it. I could never look you square in the eyes again if you did.
GOLDIE: It ain't no worse to squeal than it is to steal.
EEL: Yes, it is, Kid, God'll forgive a thief, but he hates a squealer.
GOLDIE: Maybe you're right, Billy. Well, I guess we'd better get a move on. (Going into bedroom and getting hair brush off of dresser.) We can't get out of here any too soon to suit me. (Putting brush in bag on Table R., then smiling at EEL.)
EEL: You betcher! (Goes to mantle L. and leans against it thoughtfully.)
GOLDIE: (Coming C.) What's on your mind now?
EEL: I was just thinkin' of that first job I'd have to do when we get to Chi.
GOLDIE: What do you mean?
EEL: Gee, Goldie, I hate to go back to the old life. (Sits on sofa L.)
GOLDIE: Old life? I thought you said we was goin' to begin all over again, and live like decent, respectable people?
EEL: I know, but you've got to have money to be respectable.
GOLDIE: Well, we'll get the money.
EEL: That's what I hate about it. Having to get it that way.
GOLDIE: But Billy, I mean honestly, work for it.
EEL: (Rising and coming R.) Yes, but supposing we can't get work?And supposing we can't hold it after we do get it?
GOLDIE: If they go digging into our past, it'll be tough rowing. But there (caressing EEL.), don't let's worry till we come to the bridge. Wait until we get to Chicago. (Goes into bedroom and takes down coat which is hanging on door C.)
EEL: (Lies on couch L.) Have you got enough cale to carry us over there?
GOLDIE: (Brushing off coat at door C.) What?
EEL: I say, have you got enough money to hold us till we get toChi?
GOLDIE: (C. looking in surprise.) Why no, Billy, I ain't got no money.
EEL: (Surprised, slowly rising from couch to sitting position.)What?
GOLDIE: I ain't got a cent. I thought you had the sugar.
EEL: Me?
GOLDIE: AIN'T you got no money neither?
EEL: (Throwing away cigarette and going R.) I ain't got enough money to buy the controlling interest in a rotten egg. (Goldie throws coat on couch.) How about that necklace?
GOLDIE: Why, Dugan's got it.
EEL: Well, how about your share?
GOLDIE: Well, he promised I was going to get five hundred out of it, but now that you're sprung, I suppose I'll have to whistle for it.
EEL: Well, I see where I have to get to work before we get toChicago.
GOLDIE: (Turning him around quickly.) What do you mean?
EEL: Well, we've got to get to Chi, and as the railroads are veryparticular, somebody'll have to pay our fares. I won't be long.(Crosses L. in front of GOLDIE and gets hat and coat off of sofa.GOLDIE runs to door R., then as EEL turns:)
GOLDIE: Oh no, no, don't, please don't. We're going to be good, you said so yourself. We're going to travel the straight road.
EEL: (C. with hat and coat in hand.) But that road won't take us to Chi. (Pause.) You see, there's no other way out of it. (Starts toward door but GOLDIE stops him pleadingly.)
GOLDIE: Oh no, you musn't, you shan't. I won't go with you if you do. I won't go! I won't go! (Becomes hysterical, pounds on door, then begins to cry.)
EEL: (Putting arm around her.) There, there, don't cry. Look! (He turns her around and then puts his hat and coat in chair above door R.) (GOLDIE takes his hands in relief The EEL pats her cheek.) You see, I'll do as you say. (Crossing down C.) I'll cut it out.
GOLDIE: (Following the EEL and putting her arms around him.) I knew you would.
EEL: Oh, you did? Well, what's the next move?
GOLDIE: I don't know, Billy.
EEL: There you are. (Crosses L.) We're no better off than we were before. By Monday, Dugan'll have me back in the Tombs, maybe on a charge of murder. You know that he ain't going to rest while I'm loose.
GOLDIE: Then why not let me end it all?
EEL: Not by squealing.
GOLDIE: It will be that sooner or later.
EEL: (Coming R. slowly.) No, the best way is to let me go out and get some money. (Crossing GOLDIE and going toward hat and coat on chair R.)
GOLDIE: (Stopping him.) But, Billy, you promised me—
EEL: (Turning to GOLDIE.) I don't mean to rob anybody (Scratches head in puzzled way, then brightly, as thought strikes him), I mean to borrow it.
GOLDIE: (Joyfully.) Borrow it?
EEL: Yes, I'll knock a guy down, strip him of his leather, get his name and address, then when we get to Chicago, I'll send it back to him.
GOLDIE: (Shaking her head and smiling.) Oh no, it won't do.
EEL: Why?
GOLDIE: You might forget his address. (Going up C. into bedroom.) Now, you come and help me pack the trunk. (Stopping.) Oh Billy, come help me pull this trunk in there. (Disappearing to R. of trunk. EEL comes and takes L. end and they carry it into living room and place it C. under chandelier to open up stage. As they carry it down stage she speaks.) There are a few more things to go in.
EEL: (As they set trunk down.) I've got it.
GOLDIE: What?
EEL: I know where I can get that money.
GoLDffi: Where?
EEL: Isaacson.
GOLDIE: What Isaacson?
EEL: Why the fence on Second Ave. I'm aces with him.
GOLDIE: Yes, but what have you got to pawn?
EEL: I don't need nothing. I've thrown thousands of dollars his way in business, he'll lend me a century sure. I'll be back in fifteen minutes. (Goes to chair and gets coat and hat, then starts for door R.)
GOLDIE: Wait! (Crosses to mantel L. and gets keys from up stage end.) Here, take my keys. (Coming back to C. above trunk where EEL meets her putting on coat and hat.) To make sure, we'd better work on signals.
EEL: (Taking keys.) How do you mean?
GOLDIE: In case anything happens while you're gone, when you come back, ring the bell downstairs three times. If I don't answer, everything's O. K., come up; but if I do answer, don't come up, see?
EEL: If you don't answer, everything's all right, come up; but if you do answer, don't come up.
GOLDIE: That's it.
EEL: I got you. (Goes to door R. Opens it quickly to see if anyone is there. Closes door, footsteps are heard in hall, then going downstairs, then door slams.)
GOLDIE: (Listens intently until door slams, then begins to pack trunk. Opens trunk first. Gets jacket from couch where she has thrown it, puts it in trunk. Goes up into bedroom and gets skirt which hangs out of sight on end of dresser. Comes down C. shaking skirt. Long, low whistle stops her, then club raps.) Bull's!! (Looks up at light burning, turns it out and closes the trunk at the same time. Stands still until she sees the shadow of man's hand in the moonlight on the wall R. Frightened exclamation, then cowers on sofa. DUGAN appears at window, looks in, then raises window and enters, closing window after him. Takes gun out of pocket, then goes up into kitchen and bedroom. At door C. he sees GOLDIE, points gun at her.)
DUGAN: Ah! (GOLDIE springs to her feet with frightened exclamation, and DUGAN says:) don't squawk or I'll pop sure!
GOLDIE: (Nervously.) Me squawk? What do you think I am, a school teacher?
DUGAN: (Goes to door R., opens it to see if anyone is there, closes it and locks door. Comes to C., turns on light, then puts gun in pocket. Coming L. to GOLDIE.) I don't want to frighten you.
GOLDIE: (L. nervously.) I know, but one look at you would scare some people to death.
DUGAN: Am I that homely?
GOLDIE: Homely? Why an undershot bulldog is a peacock, 'long side of you.
DUGAN: Ain't I welcome?
GOLDIE: You're about as welcome as a rainy holiday. (Sits on sofa.)
DUGAN: Say, Goldie, we've been almost more than friends in the last two years.
GOLDIE: You mean almost friends. (Rising.) Never more. Dugan, you know why I've been your go-between in the System. Because you promised to let up on the Eel.
DUGAN: I'll never let up on him. He's a crook.
GOLDIE: Well, what are you? (Turns L. away from DUGAN.)
DUGAN: Don't get sore, Goldie. You know I want you for myself.(Puts his arms around GOLDIE'S waist.)
GOLDIE: Well, you're wasting time. (Pulls savagely away from him and crosses R.)
DUGAN: (Following GOLDIE R.) Am I? I'll get you, or I'll send you both up for years.
GOLDIE: (Savagely into DUGAN's face.) Is that why you had me steal that necklace?
DUGAN: Yes, if you want to know it, I've been trying for two years to get something on you, and now I've got you.
GOLDIE: Well, suppose I squeal.
DUGAN: It's my word against yours, the word of an officer against a crook.
GOLDIE: Say, Dugan, if looks of contempt would hurt a man's feelings, I'd disable you with a squint. (DUGAN goes L., getting necklace out of pocket; GOLDIE is in panic for fear EEL will ring the bell, but she crosses and sits on trunk.)
DUGAN: Goldie, this necklace will bring four thousand dollars from a Buffalo fence, and if you'll say three words, "I love you," the price is yours. Won't you say them, Goldie? Just three words?
GOLDIE: (Thinks it over, then looks at DUGAN.) Go—to—Hell.
DUGAN: (Going L. puts back necklace and takes out red wallet, then comes C. to GOLDIE.) Well, how does this strike you? Here's twenty thousand dollars. It's all yours for the asking. Twenty thousand dollars. (Sits on trunk beside GOLDIE.)
GOLDIE: Gee, but you're doing a land office business.
DUGAN: I've got no kick coming. Why say, I can take care of you in real style. Why waste your time on the EEL? I can make more money in a week than he can steal in a year.
GOLDIE: That's because you're a better thief than he is. (Rises and goes R.)
DUGAN: I wouldn't say that. (Following GOLDIE R.) Come on, Goldie (putting his arms around her, with purse in front of her face), what's the answer?
GOLDIE: (Apparently weakening.) Twenty thousand dollars! Gee, that's a lot of money, and I could live right.
DUGAN: (Greedily, as though he has won her.) Sure you could. I'd set you up like a Queen, and between us we could milk the Tenderloin dry.
GOLDIE: But the Eel?
DUGAN: (Crossing L. and putting wallet away.) I'll attend to him! (Then to GOLDIE who has come L.) Listen to this! Ten minutes after you two were turned loose, an old man was beaten and robbed, not two blocks from here. He never came to! (GOLDIE backs R. in horror. DUGAN follows.) He died on his way to Bellevue. Do you know who the murderer is? I'm here to arrest him on the charge of murder.
GOLDIE: (In mad rage.) You lie, Dugan! Billy said you'd frame him, but you won't this time—(GOLDIE flies at DUGAN as though to scratch his eyes out, but he struggles with her and throws her to the floor L.) No, Dugan, not murder, that would mean the chair! (GOLDIE on knees pleading to DUGAN. Bell rings three times, they both start. DUGAN puzzled and surprised, and GOLDIE terror-stricken, wondering what to do. Then the thought of the bell on the wall comes. Looking at DUGAN with a forced smile and still on the floor.) Oh, I wonder who that can be? (By the last two words she is on her feet and makes a dash for the bell up L., but DUGAN reaches it firse.)
DUGAN: No, you don't. I'm wise. "If I answer, don't come up." (GOLDIE, in disgusted rage, goes down to head of couch, followed by DUGAN.) Old stuff, Goldie. Let him come, I want him. (Door slams off stage. GOLDIE starts and DUGAN goes to door R. and unlocks it. They both stand rigid. DUGAN with gun in hand, while footsteps come nearer. As door opens and EEL enters.)
GOLDIE: Look out, Billy! (DUGAN grabs EEL'S hand and throws him in the room and locks the door. While he is doing this EEL runs across room over trunk and disappears behind sofa. When DUGAN turns, he can't locate EEL and points gun up into bedroom.)
DUGAN: Hands up, Billy! Hands up! (He then locates EEL behind sofa.) I won't tell you again! Hands up! (The EEL holds hands up and appears behind sofa.) (GOLDIE is up C. behind trunk.) Goldie, frisk him clean. (GOLDIE protests.) Come on! Come on! (DUGAN points gun at EEL, and GOLDIE runs to him and goes through his pockets. She finds tobacco bag which she hands to DUGAN. He doesn't take it, and she drops it on floor.) Get to his gun pocket. Get to his gun pocket. (GOLDIE hesitates, then goes to EEL'S hip pocket, where she finds a roll of money. She tries to put it back but DUGAN sees it.) Come on, hand it over. (GOLDIE appeals to the EEL who pantomimes to do so, and she hands it to DUGAN.) This is the money he took from the man he killed. (Putting money into red wallet and returning wallet to pocket.)
EEL: Do you think I'd frisk a stiff? Let me tell you something, Dugan. (Throwing hat on floor.) You staked me two years ago in the Pen, and then tried to make me believe that Goldie was in on the frame. You lied like a yellow dog, Dugan, and you know it. Yes, I am a crook and a thief, and I've robbed a lot of people, but I'm just a little bit above you, Dugan, just a little bit above you. Because, I never took money from a woman, and that's part of your graft. (DUGAN takes out gun as though to hit EEL with it. GOLDIE grabs his arm and bites his hand and he drops the gun; Noise begins off stage. GOLDIE runs to door R. while EEL and DUGAN struggle. DUGAN throws EEL off and goes toward window L. EEL sees gun on floor R., runs and gets it, but GOLDIE prevents his shooting it. The Police break in the door at this point. One catches GOLDIE as she is running toward the window L. Another, who comes through the window, catches the EEL. The Inspector stands at door R., crowd back of him. DUGAN comes down to him.)
DUGAN: Well, Inspector, I got him. He robbed and croaked an old man. I got him with the goods on!
INSPECTOR: Let these people go! (Pointing to DUGAN.) There's your man, arrest him! (GOLDIE and the EEL are released.)
DUGAN: Inspector, you've got nothing on me.
INSPECTOR: No? (Crossing to DUGAN.) Well, there's a dictagraph in this room (GOLDIE rushes into EEL'S arms.), and we've got everything on you, you dog. You're a disgrace to all mankind. It is unclean curs like you that have bred a cancer in the department, and pointed the finger of suspicion at ten thousand honest policemen. But that cancer must be cut out, and the operation begins now. Take him away. (Policemen hand-cuff DUGAN, who struggles, then resignedly walks off, preceded and followed by police. The INSPECTOR follows them, but stops and turns at door R.) Well, Billy! (EEL and GOLDIE come C. and stand in front of trunk.)
EEL: Well, Inspector?
INSPECTOR: If you're going to live square, stick to it. (EEL takes GOLDIE'S hand.) I never want to see you at headquarters again. (EEL drops his head and GOLDIE puts her arm around him.) I won't even need you as a witness. The dictagraph has recorded all. (EEL and GOLDIE pleased.) Good-night! (INSPECTOR exits, closing door after him.)
EEL and GOLDIE: Good-night, Inspector! (They both listen until his footsteps die off, and door slams. Then EEL runs to door to listen, and GOLDIE sits dejectedly on trunk.)
GOLDIE: Well, we're broke again. (Tearfully.) We can't go West now, so there's no use packing. (The EEL goes stealthily to window L., looks out, pulls dictagraph from wall, then comes down R. of GOLDIE who is sitting on trunk and has watched him. He taps her on the shoulder, taking DUGAN'S red wallet out of pocket.)
EEL: Go right ahead and pack! (GOLDIE looks astounded, and begins to laugh.)
First picture. (Both sitting on trunk counting money.)
BOOKS AND LYRICS BYEDGAR ALLAN WOOLFAuthor of "The Lollard," "The Lady of the Press,""A College Proposition," "Master Willie Hewes, orThe Lady of the Sonnets," Etc., Etc.
MUSIC BYANATOL FRIEDLANDComposer of "My Little Dream Girl," "MySweet Adair," Etc., Etc.
A PERSIAN GARDENCHARACTERS(Order in which they appear.)
The Rose Gardens of the American Legation in Persia—the entrance to the building on left. Large Persian jardinieres on right with a large Persian Rose Tree.
ROSE: "The Girl in the Persian Rug." After number off stage is heard in old man's voice: "Illa au Rose aboukar."
GIRLS: (Running up.) Oh—here comes the old Sheik now. (Enter the old SHEIK ABU MIRZAH preceded by Persian servant.)
ABU: Ah—ma Rosa Persh—ma waf to be—to-morrow we marry, eh? (TheSHEIK carries eartrumpet.)
ROSE: (Running from him in alarm.) Oh, don't touch me—don't—don't! (They are both yelling at each other as MRS. SCHUYLER enters first arch and sees ROSE'S actions—she is flashy—an ex-chorus girl—married to the retiring consul.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: Say, tie a can to that duet. What's the matter?
ROSE: (Crossing to her.) Oh, Mrs. Schuyler, I won't marry him—I hate him!
MRS. SCHUYLER: Oh, the poor old prune. (Crossing to ABU, garrulously.) How are you, Sheik? Our little ward, Rose, is so young and foolish! But I was just that innocent when I was in the chorus. When I came out of it, believe me, I was a different woman. (Enter Persian servant.)
SERVANT: The new consul wants to know when we are going to move out—
MRS. SCHUYLER: Not till after Rose's wedding to-morrow. (ROSE utters exclamation of rage, slaps the SHEIK'S face and exits.) I was just that emotional until I'd been married a few times—Come, Sheik—my husband won't return from Tabris till this evening—join me in a cocktail. (She illustrates drink in pantomime.)
ABU: (Understanding pantomime.) Yes! Yes! (LETTY and BETTY go up to table and chair C.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: Mousta, two cocktails on my back porch. Come, Sheik—Sheik! (Business with girls.) This way to the dog house. (Takes hold of chain on his ear trumpet and passes him in. Girls have gone off.) Oh—and, Mousta—don't put any cherries in—they take up too much room in the glass. (She exits one way—Waiter, another.)
(MUSIC. Entrance of men.)
PAUL: (Entering with DUDLEY.) Well, there are some beautiful girls in our new Persian home—has Phil brought our things from the boat? Phil! Phil! (Phil enters with all the luggage.)
PHIL: (Meekly.) Here I am, sir.—
PAUL: (As if brushing mosquitoes away.) Oh gee! these Persian mosquitoes! (Finally kills one on his own face.)
PHIL: (Hungrily.) When are we going to have lunch, sir?
PAUL: Well, there are several little things I want you to do first.(Whacking him on one side of face.) Another mosquito.
PHIL: (Gratefully.) Oh, thank you, sir.
DUDLEY: Paul, you look as if you were mashed on that Madison girl—(Sees mosquito on PHIL's face.) Another mosquito. (Whacks him on other side of face.)
PHIL: Oh, thank you, sir—I have never seen such extreme kindness.(Both whack him this time—one on each side of face.)
PAUL: Ho! Ho! Two of them this time.
PHIL: Probably twins.
DUDLEY: I'll go in and see when the retiring consul will move out.
PAUL: All right, and I'll get a bite of luncheon awhile. (DUDLEY exits.)
PHIL: (Hungrily.) Oh—are you going to have your luncheonalone?(PAUL sees mosquito on PHIL—is about to kill it—PHIL falls back.)Ah—let it live—let it live.
PAUL: Now—you run in the house and take our things out of the grips.
PHIL: Is there any other little thing I can do for you?
PAUL: Not till after I've had my lunch.
PHIL: Thank you, sir! (PHIL looks a starved look at him—exits into house—stumbling over bundles.) (ROSE is heard singing off-stage chorus of "My Little Persian Rose"—enters humming.)
PAUL: (As he hears her singing.) It's Miss Madison—I know her sweet voice!
ROSE: (As she enters and sees PAUL, she stops singing, embarrassed.) Oh, I didn't know you were here. (The music continues faintly in orchestra.)
PAUL: I'm not—I'm in heaven when I hear you sing.
ROSE: Oh, I hope you don't mean my singing kills you.
PAUL: No—forthen, I'm afraid I wouldn't be in heaven. What was that song?
ROSE: An old Persian poet taught me the words.
PAUL: (Ardently.) Oh, how I love—those words. Are you going back to America with Mr. and Mrs. Schuyler?
ROSE: (Sadly.) No, I must stay here in Persia.
PAUL: (Forgetting himself.) Hooray!
ROSE: Ah—but you don't know.
PAUL: Know what?
ROSE: Don't ask me now—good day, sir. (She courtesies and runs off.)
(Music in orchestra stops.)
PAUL: I wonder what she meant by that?
PHIL: (Rushing on.) I've taken out your things. Now, may I eat?(Persian servant enters in haste.)
SERVANT: Oh please, sir, the Sheik has drunk three cocktails, and Mrs. Schuyler says he is disgusting. Quick, get someone to take him home.
PAUL: Phil—do you hear? The Sheik's disgusting—take him home.(Servants exit.)
PHIL: (As he exits.) Is there any little thing I can do for you?
PAUL: Not just now. (PHIL exits.) The melody of that song haunts me. (He starts to hum it.) (PHIL enters with SHEIK on his shoulders—struggles to get him off. Finally exits with him. As he exits, MRS. SCHUYLER enters first arch.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: I hope he gets the old fool home, all right. (Sees PAUL.) Oho—it looks good to mother. (Business of humming same song.)
PAUL: (Turning and seeing her, with great surprise.) Agnes!
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Startled.) Mercy, where was I Agnes?
PAUL: (Crosses to MRS. SCHUYLER.) Have you forgotten—the summerI met you in Niagara Falls?
MRS. SCHUYLER: Niagara Falls? I must have been on one of my honeymoons—oh, yes—of course—Mr. Morgan. (They shake hands.) You see, I've met so many mushy men. (He sighs.) What makes you look so unhappy?
PAUL: I'm in love with a girl.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Only one? Why so economical?
PAUL: Ah—I'm afraid you don't know what real love is.
MRS. SCHUYLER: Oh, yes I do! Real love is the kind that lasts after you've heard a man sleeping right out loud. Who's the girl?
PAUL: Miss Madison.
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Surprised.) Our Rose? Not on your life. To-morrow, before we return to America, she's to marry the Abu Mirzah, and nothing can prevent it.
PAUL: (In horror.) She's being sacrificed to that old mummy—I'll kill him.
MRS. SCHUYLER: The doctors say he is so strong, nothing can kill him, except his fondness for Persian plums, and there is a mandate out inflicting death upon any man who sends him any. (ROSE enters.)
PAUL: (Crossing to her.) Oh, Miss Madison, I've just heard—
MRS. SCHUYLER: Rose—go to the grape arbor at once—I'll join you there presently. (DUDLEY enters.)
DUDLEY: Say, Paul—I—(Sees MRS. SCHUYLER—with surprise.) Lena—
MRS. SCHUYLER: Du, "Allmaechtiger Strohsach"—where was I Lena?
DUDLEY: Have you forgotten, in Germany, Unter den Linden?
MRS. SCHUYLER: Germany? Oh, the man who made love to me over a plate of frankfurters? Well—well—wie geht's! Tell me, do you think I've grown stouter since the days when I was Lena? (PAUL laughs.)
DUDLEY: Not a bit. (PAUL and ROSE laugh.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Seeing ROSE and PAUL in earnest conversation.) Excuse me. (She crosses and grabs ROSE.) Rose, there's some grape juice waiting for us in the grape arbor. (She sends ROSE off.) (Boys step toward MRS. SCHUYLER.) Boys—later—when Rose has gone, you may come and crush a grape with me in the arbor. (She exits.)
PAUL: Aber nit! Dud, she's determined to keep us apart—you must help me—go and grab her, and run her off into the house.
DUDLEY: Lena—not much—she once flung a glass at my head.
PAUL: Well, then, where's Phil? (Calls.) Phil—Phil! (DUDLEY calls also. PHIL rushes on.)
PHIL: Am I going to eat?
PAUL: Quick, go and grab Mrs. Schuyler in the grape arbor.
PHIL: Grab her in the grape arbor?
PAUL: (Pushing them off.) And run her into the house. Quick. (He pushes PHIL off one way.) And you run into the house and hold her there. (Rushes DUDLEY into house.) I'll run to the grape arbor to join Rose when she's alone. (He exits.) (PHIL enters, pushing MRS. SCHUYLER toward the house. They enter from grape arbor.)
MRS. SCHUYLER: (Beating him with parasol.) The idea! What's the meaning of this? You little runt! (Pushing him off.) (Ad lib talk.) Who are you, anyhow?