Men stand with arms raised holding rolled papers.THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION.
THE CLEVELAND CONVENTION.
The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately in one uv the parlors uv the hotel. The Chairmanasked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen every man uv em pulled from his right side coat pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one shood be selected to prepare a address; whereupon every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv manuscript from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted down a few ijees on the situashn, wich he proposed to present, et settry. This occasioned another shindy; wen the Chairman remarked “Resolushens,” wen every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv manuscript from his right breast coat pocket, and sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.
I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chaplin to the expedition West, when the pressure becum unendurable. They sposed I was keeper uv the President’s conscience, and I hed not a minit’s peece after that. In vain I ashoored em that, there bein no consciences about the White House, no one could hold sich a offis; in vain I ashoored em that I hed no influence with His Majesty. Two thirds uv em pulled applicashens for places they wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid on my takin em, and seem that they was appinted.I told em that I cood do nuthin for em; but they laft me to skorn. “You are jist the style uv man,” said they, “who hez inflooence with His Eggslency, and yoo must do it.” Hemmed in, there wuz but one way uv escape, and that way I took. Seezin a carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a delegate (I took it to give myself the look of a traveler), I rushed to the depot, and startid home, entirely satisfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a sample, the less His Majesty depends on soljers, the better.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.(wich is Postmaster),and likewise late Chaplin to the expedishn.
P.S. I opened the carpet sack on the train, spectin to find a clean shirt in it, at least. It contained, to my disgust, an address to be read before the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a speech, and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a collectorship, signed by eight hundred names, and a copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. The names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged alphabetically.
An Appeal to the People just before the October Elections.
Post Offis, Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),October 1, 1866.
President Johnson, who hez bin likened to Androo Jaxon, and wich, since my appintment I conseed him to be, in many partikelers, his sooperior, requested me and William H. Seward (his secretary and chaplin) to draw up and publish to the Democracy of the various States holdin elecshuns this fall an address, or ruther an appeal, firmly beleevin that hed he extendid his tour to Maine, and isshood an address to em, that that state wood not hev gone ez it did. William refoozed to take part in the appeal, sayin that it warnt uv no use, and so the dooty devolved upon me.
Appresheatin the gravity uv the isshoo, I address yoo. The signs uv the times is ominus.A Radikle Congress, electid durin the time when the Southin States, wich comprises reely all the intellek uv this people, didn’t take no part in the elekshen, bein too bizzy gettin out uv Sherman’s way to open polls,—a Congress, I repeat, in wich there ain’t no Southern man, and wich consekently kant, by any stretch uv the hooman imaginashen, be considered Constitooshnel, hez dared to thwart the President uv the United States, and set up its will agin hisn! I need skarcely recount its high-handed acts uv usurpashen. It passed a bill givin rites to niggers, wich, accordin to Scripter (see Onesimus, Ham, and Hagar, the only three texts in Scripter uv any partikeler account) and the yoosages uv the Democrisy, ain’t got no rites; and the President, exercisin the high prerogatives put into his hands by the Constitooshen, vetoed it. Here the matter should hev endid. He hed expressed, in a manner strikly Constitooshenel, his objecshens to the measure; and a proper regard for his feelins, and just deference for his opinions, ought to hev indicated the right course. Here wuz peace offered this Congres. Here wuz the tender uv a olive branch. The President didn’t want a quarrel with Congres; he didn’t desire a continyooance uv the agitation wich hed shook the country like a Illinois ager; but hedesired Peece. Congres cood hev hed it hed they only withdrawed their crood noshens uv what wus rite and what wuz wrong; ratified, ez they shood hev done, sich laws ez the President saw fit to make: in short, hed they follered the correct rool when we hev a Demokratic President, and put the Government in his hands, with an abidin trust in his rectitood and wisdom, we mite hev avoided this struggle, and thus wood hev bin peaceful. But this reckless Congris, bent upon consentrating power in its hands instid uv dividin it between him and Seward, passed the bill over his head, regardlis uv his feelins! The responsibility for the dissension rests, therefore, with Congres.
But these questions are altogether too hefty for the Demokratic intellek, and I fling em out for the considerashen uv the few Post Masters we get from the Union ranks. To the Dimocrisy I Address myself more partickerlerly.
Do you want to Marry a Nigger?This ishoo is agin before yoo. Are you in favor uv elevatin the Afrikin to a posishen where he kin be yoor ekal, or perhaps yoor sooperior? That ishoo is agin before yoo for yoor decision, only the danger to yoo is increased. The matter has become threatening; for, disgise it ez we may, thousands uv emkin read, and they are akkumulatin property, and wearin good clothes to a extent trooly alarmin to the Dimokratic mind. We hev alluz consoled ourselves with the soothin reflection that there wuz a race lower down in the scale uv humanity than us uns. Shall we continue to enjoy that comfort? That’s the question for every Dimokrat to consider when he votes this fall. Remove the weight uv legal disability, and ten to one ef they don’t outstrip us even, and then where are we goin to look for a race to look down upon? It’s a close thing atween us now; and ez we uv this generation can’t elevate ourselves, why, for our own peece uv mind, we must,—I repeet it,—mustpull them down.
Agin then I repeet,Do you want to Marry a Nigger? Yoor daughters wunst carried banners onto wich wuz inskribed that trooly Dimokratic motto, “White husbands or none!” and in consequence they’ve bin mostly livin in the enjoyment uv none. Are they to go back on that holy determinashen to preserve the Anglo Sackson race on this continent in its purity? Do yoo want the nigger—the big buck nigger—the flat-footed nigger—the woolly-headed nigger—the long-heeled nigger—the bow-legged nigger—theNigger—to step up aside uv yoo, and exercise the prerogatives uv freemeenin this country? Do you want the nigger aforesed to be mayors uv your towns, with all the hatred they hev towards us? Wat chance, O Dimokratic dweller in cities! think yoo yoo’d hev if hauled up afore a nigger mayor on a charge uv disorderly conduct? Wat chance wood yoor children hev in a skool uv wich all the teechers wuz niggers? Wat chance wood yoo hev wen arrestid for small misdemeanors, afore nigger judges?
How, let me ask, in the name of High Heaven, wood yoo like to be tried for hoss stealin afore a nigger jury?
“But,” say some uv yoo, who, set ravin by drums, and flags, and sich, went off violently into the war, and wuz, perhaps, saved from starvin by niggers, “these niggers wuz our friends in the late war—they fought agin the South!”
O, wat a deloosion! O, wat blindnis! Troo, they did; and that shows the danger that’s afore us; that lifts the fog from the precipise onto wich we are standin, and shows us our danger. Wat does this fact prove? It proves the onreasonableness uv the Nigger—his discontentednis with the posishen to wich nacher assigned him, and his cussid disposition to upset the normal condition. The Bible makes him a servant unto his brethren (seeHam, Hagar, and Onesimus, three blessed texts). Science proves him to be, not a man, but a beast; and so, take him ez we may, either ez our brother or ez a beast,—and Dimocrisy, with that liberality wich hez always distinguished it, gives every man his choice wich theory to take,—his condition is servitood. But he, with a cussidness, a perversity wich I never cood understand, flies into the face uv the Divine decree, flies into the face uv science, and asserts his independence! He turned agin them ez hed fostered him; turned agin, in many instances, his own parents (in these instances, for convenience, the parents adopted the brethren theory), and for an abstract idea fought agin em. That restlessness under bonds alarmed the Dimocratic mind. We who owned em under the Skripter (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham), and under the eternal laws uv scientific trooth wuz content with the arrangement, and why shood they not hev bin? Things wuz normal. They worked, and we eat; and ef they hed bin content with this ekitable division uv the labor uv life, all wood hev bin smooth to-day.
Their takin part agin us at the South, and in favor uv the Federals, is, instead uv a coz uv feelin good toward em, a source uv oneasiness; instid uv bein a reason for elevatin uv em, it’s my principalreason for depressin uv em. Sich onsettled minds shood be quieted; this itchin to raise theirselves shood be crushed out uv em, that Science and Holy Writ (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham) may be vindicated.
Shel we desert Androo Johnson, after all the trouble he hez bin to in gettin back to us? Shel we elect a Congres this fall so soaked in Ablishin—so filled with objeckshuns to our Southern brethren, ez to refooze to receive em back into the seats which they vacated? Consider! The Southern Dimokracy hevn’t, and don’t, lay up nothin agin yoo. They are willin to forgive and forget. They failed, but they are willin to forgiv the cause uv the failyoor. They hevn’t got the government they wanted, but they find no fault with that, but are willin to take charge of the wun they hev bin compelled to live under. Kin they offer fairer? The fate uv war wuz agin em. Buryin all hard feelins, they extend to us Chrischen charity, and say, Here we are—take us—give us our old places. They hev bin chastened. Their household gods hev bin destroyed, and their temples torn down. Wun neighbor uv mine lost two sons in the Confedrit army; another son, which he hed refoosed $1500 for in 1860, he wuz compelled to shoot, coz he wuz bound torun away into the Federal army; and two octoroons, which he hed a dozen times refoosed $2500 for, each, in Noo Orleans, he saw layin dead on the steps uv a skool house in Memphis. Hez he suffered nothin? And yet he is willin to take a seat in Congress—forgettin all he hez suffered, and forgivin the cause thereof. What wickedness it is wich would further bruise sich a broken reed!
Therefore, ez yoo love yourselves and hate the nigger, I implore yoo to act. Take yoor choice uv the platforms uv the different States—vote ez a Johnson Unionist, or ez a Democratic Johnsonian—but vote.
Kentucky holds out her hands appealingly! Kentucky implores yoo to bild up a bulwark North uv the Ohio River to save what little is left uv pure Dimocracy there! Kentucky will back yoo in yoor endeavors. Will you heed her cry? Shel she appeel in vain? Forbid it, Hevin!
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.(wich is Postmaster).
The October Elections.—The Effect the Result produced in Kentucky.
A shocked man closely reads a newspaper.AFTER THE FALL ELECTION.
AFTER THE FALL ELECTION.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),October 14, 1866.
There is mournin in Kentucky. The results of the elections in Ohio, Injeany, Pennsylvany, and Iowa reached me yesterday through a Looisville paper, wich wuz dropped off the cars at Secessionville, wich is the nearest station to us, and wich, I hapnin to be there, I picked up.
Ohio—40,000 Ablishin!
Injeany—20,000 Ablishin!
Pennsylvany—20,000 Ablishin!
Iowa—30,000 Ablishin!
Ablishin! Wat a dreery waste uv Ablishin! Not a single oasis uv Dimocrisy anywhere,—nary Aryrat on wich our ark kin rest in safety,—but all around us the mad waves uv Ablishnism rearin their crestid heads muchly.
I felt it my dooty to make this fact known to my neighbors; for, sposin that His Serene Highness’ trip wood secure us enuff deestricts to make the next Congress safe, and consekently make us certin uv admission, they hed been makin arrangements for restorin things to their normal condishun, ez they were before the war.
In fact, two weeks before, in view of the expected success uv the Democracy, a meetin hed bin held on the subject. Some wuz for at once seezin the niggers wherever they cood be found, and puttin em at work; but the conservatives overruled this. They held that slavery hed bin abolished, and that it ought not be restored; in fact, that, to act in good faith, it cood not be reëstablished. Deekin Pogram announced a plan. The town authorities shood pass a ordinance for the proper government uv the niggers. Their good and ourn demanded it. For instance, they shood not be permitted to be out after 7 o’clock, P.M., in the evenin; they shoodent leave the plantashen onto wich they wuz employed; they shood work every day till 7; and to do away with the pernicious work uv the Freedmen’s Bureau, no man and wife wich hed bin married by a chaplin uv the Bureau, or by any one else, shood be employed on the same plantashen, and also no father or motherand child. Sich ez violated these ordinances shood be arrested by anybody, and fined; and in default uv payment uv the fine and costs, shood be sold to the person who wood take his or her labor for the shortest number uv years, and pay the fine and costs aforesed. “Ez a conservative,” sed the Deekin, “I sejest this plan.”
“Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word ‘conservative?’” sed Joe Bigler, a returned Confederate soljer, who, I bleeve, hez seen enough uv war. “It’s a man who goes a roundabout way to do a devlish mean thing. Deekin, why can’t yoo go to the devil by a straight road, ez I do?”
The interupshen uv the demoralized wretch wuzn’t notist; and ez the trustees uv the township wuz all present, the ordinance wuz passed, and that night two thirds uv the niggers within five miles uv the Corners wuz arrested and sold, and within two weeks every one hed bin capcherd.
I hied me to the Corners, and the first man I saw wuz Bascom, the grocery keeper, engaged in the congenial biznis uv tappin a barrel uv contentment, wich he hed just receeved. I wuz a goin to tell him the dread intelligence, when he caught site uv me. “Taste that, Parson,” sed he, holdin out a tin dipperfull. I drank it off, and one look at him onmand me. “Kin I o’ercloud that smilin cheek?” thot I, ez, in a fit uv absent-mindednis,—wich I hev every now and then,—I held out the empty dipper to be filled agin, wich it wuz. “No! for a time he shel be spared;” and I borrered his mule, and rode away pensively.
I wuz goin fust to Deekin Pogram’s, for he wuz the most interested uv eny in the settlement. After the meetin mentioned above, the Deekin hed caused the arrest uv sich niggers ez he cood ketch, and had had em fined in sums uv $275 and uppards, wich bein unable, ez a rool, to pay the fine, he hed kindly bid em in.
He hed picked up, here and there, all uv his old servants, ceptin those wich hed bin killed in the army, and the few misguided ones wich hed made their way North, and that mornin the plantashen wuz to be reconstructed upon the old patriarkle system. Mrs. Deekin Pogram wuz marshellin four uv the likeliest wenches I ever saw in the kitchen; his son Tom wuz chuckin a yaller girl under the chin, wich hed bin born on the place about eighteen years before, and wich, owin to a unfortunate resemblance to the Deekin, bed caused a onpleasantnis between him and his wife, wich endid in the loss uv the mostuv his hair, and the sellin uv the girl’s mother to Noo Orleans. The two girls hed each their waitin-maids, and wuz a puttin them through their paces. There hed bin some trouble in gittin em reconstructed, it bein deemed nessary to take the conseet out uv em, wich they wuz all a doin. Ez I rode up, the old lady bed jest knocked one uv em down with a fire-shovel, and wuz dancin a Highland fling onto her prostrate body. Almira, the oldest gal, hed her fingers in the wool uv her gal; and tother one wuz a thumpin hern to redose her to her proper level; and the Deekin hisself wuz a deelin with one ongrateful wretch, who objected to bein put to work on them terms, not realizin that the Bureau was gone. Ez the Deekin hed a revolver he yielded the pint, and submitted to be flogged, wich the Deekin wuz doin ez neatly ez I ever saw, considerin he hed bin out uv practis four years. He had him tied up to a tree, and wuz a wollopin uv him gorjus. While he wuz a convinsin uv him with his whip that there wuz trooth in the Skripter, and that Ham wuz reely a servant unto his bretherin, I exclaimed, “Stop!” and immejitly whispered the appallin news in his left ear (tother one hed bin chawed off in a misunderstandin at Bascom’s the previous Sunday nite, after servis). Never shel I forgit the look uv woeon that eminent Christian’s face. The whip fell from his nerveless hand; and with teers streemin down his cheeks, washin up little streaks uv dirt in the most heart-rendin manner, he gasped in a husky voice to the wife uv his buzzum, “Cut him down, Mirandy! The North’s gone Ablishin, and the d——d niggers will be free anyhow!” and the old patriarch swooned away at my feet.
And sich an expression of anguish ez distorted the face uv the Deekin’s wife I hope never to see agin. Droppin the shovel, she stood ez one petrified, with her foot elevated in mid air, ez in the act uv stompin, and uttering a shreek wich methinks I hear ringing in my ears yet, she fell precisely ez she stood, with her leg crooked ez ef ’twuz froze there. Tom released the gal he wuz subdooin, and mountin his horse rode off to the Corners without saying a word; and unable to witness the distress uv that stricken family, I made haste to mount my mule and go to; while the niggers, feelin that they were wunst more their own men and women, scattered in every direction.
“Sich is the froots uv Radikelism,” murmured I. “Sich is the bitter cup fanaticism hez put to our lips;” and castin one lingring look at the prostrate forms uv the Deekin, his wife (with her foot insensiblyraised), and their two gushin daughters, I spurred the mule, and departed.
Wood that every Ablishnist in the North hed seen that site, and wuz possessed uv a sole to appreshate it! Then would they vote differently.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.(wich is Postmaster).
The October Elections.—Mr. Nasby’s Opinion on the Cause of the Defeat of the President.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),October 14, 1866.
I wuz called in haste to Washington to be present at a Cabinet meetin called to consider the causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv the Nashnel Union Johnson Dimekratic party in the various States wich held elections on the 9th uv October last. There wuz Seward, Wells, McCulloch, and Randall present; but we missed Raymond and Beecher, they hevin, I understand, played off onto us.
The President wuz gloomy. He hedn’t anticipated the defeat. He spected that, hevin showd hisself through all the Northern States, ther ought to hev ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em without trouble. The fault, he remarked, coodent be with his policy. Ther wuz suthin so grand, sosublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible to him why the people hedn’t at once adopted it. “Why, look at it,” sed he. “I offer the people uv the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayin nothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble which they found theirselves into, and rushin into the arms uv their Southern brethren, and takin uv em back jist ez they went out. How, O! how cood they be so blind ez to refoose these olive branches?”
Randall replied that he coodent understand it; but he hed summoned a Postmaster to attend, wich he hed appinted on his solemn asshoorance that he cood carry enough Republicans over to our new party to defeat the Union member in that District, wich he notist by the papers wuz elected by a larger majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in waitin.
“Bring in the wretch!” shouted the President; and the guard brung him in. A mizable lookin objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uv the President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees, and lifted up his hands implorinly, without sayin a word.
“Speak!” sed the President. “Why the result in yoor Deestrict?”
“My liege,” replied the wretched man, “I knownot. Faithfully I labored; but the people wood come into the house holdin their noses, and set a holdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn’t conducive to displays of oratory. The papers wood publish my own utterances six months before, wich confused me somewhat; and the ablishnists would read at me yoor speeches, wich I coodent akkount for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like a dozen votes; but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under me, and I hed hard work to git em from the Union party, and they wuz sich ez did us more harm than good. And besides—”
“Enuff!” sed Johnson, “Remove him.”
And the poor fellow wuz bundled out.
Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It come uv takin Grant and Farrygut along on the excursion. It distracted the attention uv the people. Hed there bin nobody but the President and the Cabinet along, there woodent hev bin nobody to hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, wieh the President kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people more than they did.
Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev bin all right cood it hev bin postponed ninety days; while McCullock attribooted it to the limited knowledge the masses hed uv Injeany bankin.
I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did.
“My lords,” sed I, “none uv you hev got the ijee. We wuz beet because we left the landmarks—that’s wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wat hed we to go into this canvass with? Democrisy? Not any; for that wuz squelched at Philadelphia. Wat then? Why, the offises. Offises, in the abstract, is good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I coodent be indoost to part with on no account; but yoo can’t run a party on em, because there ain’t enough uv em.
“My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia Convention I tarried a while in Berks county, which is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished for the unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My liege, they learned down there mor’n six weeks ago that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo coodent stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to, and that didn’t move em; and so the speaker wuz emptyin school-houses by talkin uv the results uv a glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as a Ablishnist, and hedn’t heerd yet that he had jined the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that we went under? Ther ain’t but one thing left to us, and that we strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz theNiggernot made the central figger this year, ez before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks county myself, following one of them new-fangled Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin stuff to em that they didn’t understand. Mountin the rostrum, I ejaculated,—
”’Men and Brethren, do yoo want to marry a Nigger?’
“‘No! no!’ they answered, straightenin up towunst.
“‘Do you want niggers for sons-in-law?’
“‘No! no!’
“‘Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin niggers?’
“‘Yes! yes!’
“‘Do you want to be marched up to the polls by those who tell you how to vote, beside a nigger?’
“‘No! no!’
“‘Then vote the Demekratic ticket.’ And they all replied,—
“‘We will! we will!’ and they did. You see, your Exslency, the Demekratic mind isn’t hefty enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez to constitootinality, et setry; and when a speaker deals in em, they suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uvhim. But nigger they kin all understand. It’s soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally told that there is somebody lower down in the skale. They desire a inferior race, and therefore hev bin pullin the nigger down toward em for years. Did yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we succeeded in awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when we neglected him, or selected other issues, we failed to get?
“It’s based upon philosophical trooths. The poorer and meaner a man is, the more anxious he is to hev it understood that there’s somebody still poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis, that them individooals who see a 5 cent peese so seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,—who, ef niggers wuz sellin at a cent a peese, coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail uv one,—is the most ardent friends of Slavery.
“That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz not to blame for the result in his Deestrick. He tried to earn his bread; but wat cood he do? The Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and laffed at him. The Democrisy, sich ez voted, we’d hev got anyhow. Them ez didn’t vote, nor donothin, wuz the upper class, wich expected the offises themselves, and wuz disgusted accordinly.
“My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can’t do nothin with a new party; for yoo kin only git the Dimocrisy to jine it, and they won’t do it onless the offises is throwd in. Yoo can’t run the Dimocrisy on only one issue, and that’s the nigger; for it’s all they kin understand. So long ez the nigger exists, Dimocrisy endoors; when the race becomes extinct, the party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together; one wuz created for tother, and tother for one. When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens uv Dimocrisy. Ham wuz turned into a nigger because Noah got intoxicated. His misfortune originated with wine; and whisky, wich is the modern substitoot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy, hez bin persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the decline uv the Dimocrisy to the bleachin out uv the Afrikin, and that’s why I oppose amalgamashen. Yoo can’t hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo kin a full-blood; and it will be observed that the intensity uv Demokricy has decreased precisely in proportion to the scarcity uv pure blacks. Thus Demokrisy is committin suicide; it hez bin the means uv its own destruction.
“I don’t know ez there’s eny yoose uv talkin.The Congressmen elected this fall continyoo in offis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo do, to a day, and by that time they’ll hev it all fixed. Noo York may change in our favor, but I think not. The break commenst in Maine, and it increased as it progressed. We’re gone in. The Ablishnists laughs in glee, and the nigger shows all his ivories. We shel hold our places two years, and then farewell to our greatness.
“I pity yoo, my lord; but I can’t help yoo. Ez for myself, I kin save enuff out uv my Post Offis to start a small grocery at the expiration uv my term, and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin I’ll flote down the stream uv Time, until Death closes the polls, and ends the struggle. I hev sed.”
The Conference ended with this: for they wuz all too much affected to say anything. Seward murmered suthin about it would be all right in sixty days; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz happy; but no one paid any attention to him. I went home, leavin em all in tears.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.(wich is Postmaster).
“Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King?”—A Dream, in which Andrew Johnson figures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),October 24, 1866.
Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooal nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn’t counteracted, wood make me entirely too etherial for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant imaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish’l life—to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun—pork brings me back agin. It’s fat and greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster—it comes from the most nasty, senseless, and uncleanuv animals, like our commishuns—in short, I recommend all uv Johnson’s Postmasters to eat pork. It’s ther nateral diet.
Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence, didn’t sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville conslation the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward’s question, whether they wood hev Johnson President or King, and while musin I fell in2 the arms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory, widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered in gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorgus chandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the other Democrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended the situation to wunst.Androo Johnsonhad cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy’s sword, and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion. He was King, and wuz reignin under the title uvAndroo the I., and I wuz (in my dreem uv course) in his kingly halls.
It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds,and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones—onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis uv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies; while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They wuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and presented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance.
Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive, and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, announct em. “Dook de Davis!” was ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. “Earl von Toombs,” “Sir Joseph E. Johnston,” “Markis de Bouregard,” “Count de Pollard,” and so forth.
Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, I asked Giddy Welles, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that Northners wuzn’t reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves tothe habits uv nobility. The South wuz shivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich—they hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without its gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire satisfaction uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens a settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility, and one wich weighed upon him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the household, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King’s revenue, and wuz a doin very well indeed.
By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a corner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon.
“What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?” sed His Highness.
“We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into the presence, that we may make merry over ’em.”
“It shel be done,” sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von Steedman, who hed command uv the King’s Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them. In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard, inscribed, “The last uv the Tribunes;” at wich Raymond, who left the Radikels and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor of theCourt Journal, laffed immodritly. Some one exclaimed, “Bring in Thad Stevens!” at wich His Majesty turned pale, and his knees smote together. “Don’t, don’t!” sez he; “he’s strength enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep him away!” and he showed ez much fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes.
Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory. Gen. Grant wuz in exile,and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for refoosin to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country hed bin divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobility rooled with undispooted authority. The principal men uv the North hed been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen in his house, while the higher grade uv nobility wuzn’t content with anythin less than Guvners. The indebtednis uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A decree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who shood press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for the Dimekratic ijee uv one class to serve and one class to be served wuz fully establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society, the hereditary nobility, the untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black and white, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native born people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it easy forem, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin the balance for their own uses.
My dreem didn’t continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain whether I wuz a nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar for the amoozement of the company, addressed me ez “Yoor Grace,” from wich I inferred that I wuz one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished, the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz gone, and I wuz in my offis, not “Yoor Grace,” but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman? He don’t work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat soots me better—whiskey fresh from the still. Yet my dreem may be realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with credit. Who knows?
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.(wich is Postmaster).
A Cabinet Meeting.—Letters from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher, General Custar, Henry J. Raymond, and Hon. John Morrissey, each anxious to Preserve his Reputation.—A Sad Time at the White House.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),November 7, 1866.
I wuz called to Washington by our patron Saint, the President, to comfort his wounded sperit. There ain’t no disguisin the fact,—the sperit of Androo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the slings and arrers uv more outrajus fortune than any other man who hez lived sence the days uv Hamlick; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict over. Hamlick’s father wuz pizoned, and his mother married agin afore her mournin clothes wuz wore out—suthin no savin, prudent woman would do; but what wuz that to watA. Johnsonendoors every day? Nothin.
The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz called for the purpose uv sheddin a tear or two over the election returns, and to consider a variety uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved within a few days. I may remark that the cabinet hed a gloomy and mildewed look.
The fust wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beecher. Mr. Beecher remarked that he had the highest possible respeck for the offis wunst held by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin. He omitted remarkin anythin about Peerce and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the present incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History correct, wuz a ardent supporter uv the Administrashens uv both of them men, wich he considered stains upon the pages uv American history wich he cood wish mite be obliterated. But wat he desired to say wuz, that he hed a higher regard for the good opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the good opinion uv the accidental incumbent uv any offis; and ez he hed, in a hour uv temporary mental aberrashen, wich hed happily passed, endorsed the Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto him, he rekested, ez a simple act uv justice, that the President shood cause it to be known that he(Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administrashen ez a supporter thereof.
“I do this,” sed the writer, “becoz the impression that I am in the confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich is onfortunately abroad, hez seriouslydamaged my reputashen.
”Trooly yoors,” et settry.
The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit uv profound silence, wich wuz broken by the President.
“Let him pass,” sed the great man who hez the despensin uv the post offisis, “let him pass. But here is another,” sed he, bustin into teers; “read that.”
It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair, wich hed some reputashen doorin the war ez a cavalry commander. It wuz to the same effect. He hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President, wich he esteemed ez he must any man who held the exalted position wunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Linkin—
“The ongrateful dog doesn’t respectme!” sed Androo; “it’s the offis I fill;” and he bust into a fresh flood.
—When he spozed the President’s policy wuz sich ez a soljer and patriot cood endorse, he endorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, back foremost, into company wich, doorin the late war, he hed alluz visited face foremost and on hossback; and therefore, tosave his reputashun, he must beg that the President wood give it out that he (Gen. Custar) wuz not, nor never hed bin, a supporter uv his policy, and oblige
Yoors trooly, ez before.
I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply, and Cowan and Doolittle wuz in the same fix. The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep him in posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic captin, who wuz led by a company in the first Bull Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the next day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein conducted; but now the Kernelcy wuz gone, and Custar too; and wat wuz worse, there wuz no sich thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire company yoonited in minglin their teers.
The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz addressed to him. It wuz from Raymond. He opened with the remark that for the Presidential office he hed the highest respeck. Aside from theconsiderashen that it hed bin wunst okkepied by the good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Linkin, the President mite be considered the Father of his country, hevin so large a number of helpless children to provide for; and besides, he hed a instinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. It wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded man, not to adhere to the President; but—
“Good Heavens!” shreeked Johnson, “that little fox ain’t a goin to speak uvhisreputashen!”
“Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockeyment, painful to my feelins ez it may be,” sed Seward. “He concloods thusly:—
“‘I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confidenshel relations with Him who occupies the Presidenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand in opposition to him. A dooregard for my reputashenimpels me to this course. I remain
“‘Yoors Trooly.’”
There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv Ohio, requested the President to remove him from his Collectorship, ez the holdin uv it wuzinjoorin his reputashen. A editor out West, who wuz sedooced into takin a Post Offis, begged to hev it taken off his hands, that he might save his circulashenbefore it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally we come to wun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-arms—bull dog rampant, bowie-knife couchant, supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth. It wuz from Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest ben elected to Congress in Noo York.
Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars uv the Democrasy, he felt he hed a rite to speek. He wished it to be understood that he washed his hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party. He hed seed a lite. In States where the Democrasy, uv wich he wuz a piller, hed tied themselves to Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave. Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin that the Democrasy coodent carry sich a cussid load; but he wood say that the result uv the election in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle and nigger, wich is the reel Democratic capital, and succeeded, while where the Democrasy wuz loaded down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied him that the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with all doo respeck for the offis. Mr. Morrisey further remarked that he hed also personel reasons for makin this request. He commenced in a humble position, and hed filled the public eye long enuff to satisfy his modist ambishen. He hed walloped Sullivanand Heenan; he hed owned the fastest horses, and won more money at faro than any man in Amerika. His ambishen wuz satisfied, so fur ez he wuz concerned; but he hoped to leave behind him, for his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv age, and wich hed a development uv intelleck and muscle remarkable for one so tender, havin already walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a goin), he desired to leave that son a honorable name. It hed bin given out that he wuz a supporter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presidenshel offis, and it wuz injoorin him. He wished that stigma removed. Aregard for his reputashenforced him to insist upon it.
And this epistle wuz dooly signed,
hisJohn × Morrissey, M.C.mark.
There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last stroke intensified the gloom wich hed settled onto the Government; and ez I turned my tear-bedewed eyes, I saw the great drops coursin down the cheeks uv every one present. Mr. Seward retired without sayin anythin about ninety days, and one by one they all departed.
It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other lettersyet to be read, but no one hed the heart to open em. I made a move in that direckshun, but Androo prevented me. “I’m sick,” murmured he, in a husky voice, which showed that his hart wuz peerced. “Help me to bed.” I saw the great man bury his intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his oneasy couch, all but the nose, which in him is the thermometer uv the sole, and which accordinly glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but with a dull, dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the convulsive heavins uv the kivers, which betrayed the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in his ear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whisky flavored with bourbon, that he hed one hold, ez Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv satisfaction passed over his nose, but it subsided in an instant. “Troo,” gasped he, “it’s ourn now; but before the next election a couple uv them Massachoosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, and re-people it to soot em;” and he gave a convulsive gasp, and sank into a troubled slumber.
It wuz a tetchin occasion.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.(wich is Postmaster).
A Sermon upon the November Elections, from the Text, “No man putteth New Wine into Old Settles” with a Digression or Two.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),November 16, 1866.
When the news uv the result of the Illinoy election reached the Corners, there wuz a feelin uv oneasiness wich was trooly affectin; but when the crushin intelligence arove that Hoffman wuz beeten in Noo York, there wuz a prostration wich wuz only ekalled when the intelligence of Lee’s surrender reached us. We expected defeat in Illinoy, and some uv the other States, but we hed hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic, that His Eggslency mite hev some show uv backin by the people, and consekently some excoose for continyooin to enforce his policy. But that hope wuz taken from us, and uv the entire populashen, I wuz the only one who hed suffishent stamina to preservethe semblance uv cheerfulness, and that wuz only on akkount uv my hevin the Post Offis. Elections can’t take that from me: it is a rock wich the waves uv popler indignashen can’t wash away, thank the Lord! for ef they cood, how many uv us wood to-day be holdin our places? Still, I felt overwhelmed, and sorrowfully I entered Bascom’s. There, with their heads bowed in sorrer, and tears flowin from their venrable eyes, sot Deekin Pogram, Elder Slathers, and a few others uv the Saints, who, ez I entered, mekanikally rose, and stood afore the bar; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed down with greef, sot out the invigorator; mekanikally we dosed ourselves, and still in a daze, mekanikally I moved out without payin, Bascom bein too full uv sorrer to notis it.
It wuz deemed proper, in view uv the great calamity, that services shood be held in the church, and at 2 P.M., wich with us mite be sed to mean post mortem, we slowly and sadly filed in, the only smilin countenance in site bein that uv a nigger at the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid over the head for lookin happy.
I gave out the hymn,—
“Broad is the road wich leeds to death,”—
“Broad is the road wich leeds to death,”—
and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed subsided, and I got my feelings calmed down so ez to permit me to speek, I commenst explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I sed, a chastenin sent onto us for our sins; a stripin becoz we hed exalted our horn in our pride; that, gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, the collectorships, the assessorships, and sich, we hed become vain-glorious and puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties. Ther wuz niggers in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be servants uv their brethren; and heer I digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seen stricters in a Boston paper onto the common practice uv amalgamashen in the South, wich paper held up the practis to the condemnashen uv pious men. “My brethren,” sed I, “them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleer understandin uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz that cuss? ‘He shel be a servant unto his brethren.’ Not unto strangers; not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite, or the Millerite, but unto his brethren! How cood he be servant unto his brethren except thro amalgamashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how wood the male niggers be our brethren? O, mybrethren! we wuz obliged to do these things, that the Skripters mite be fulfilled; and to the credit uv the Southern people, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the performance uv dooty. The per cent. uv yeller niggers in this State attests how faithful Kentucky hez bin.”
But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come in, and unfit um for their normal and skriptural condishen; but these is not all. My brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt’s, and get the township Bible, and search till yoo find this yer tex:—
“And no man puttith new wine into old bottles, else the new wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled.”
“And no man puttith new wine into old bottles, else the new wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled.”
My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv course; and the most uv em may be considered old ones. We hev actid as bottles, carrying about flooids—not percisely wine, but the modern substitoot therefor—from our earliest infancy. Wich is new wine? The Ablishnists wich follered Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy; so wuz they. New wine fizzes; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit; so hed they. New wine is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy the puttin uv this new wine into old bottles wuz accomplished; at that accursed place anshent Dimocrisy,wich beleeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto the nex uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishinism, and we mingled our teers together; the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottle uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with Federal patronage, it busted, and great wuz the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottles wuz prone onto the earth, and the new wine is runnin round permiscus. So wuz the Skripter fulfilled.
And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire’s huntin up that tex, keep on till yoo find another, to wit:—
“No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, else the new piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the old, and the rent is made worse.”
“No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, else the new piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the old, and the rent is made worse.”
My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv gray, wich it hed bin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greevious rents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. O, why wuzn’t we content to wear it? Why wuz we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters fulfilled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue; we put onto the back, Seward; onto the knees, Randall; onto the shoulders, Cowan; and onto the seat, Johnson, and they wuz stitchedtogether with Post Offisis. But it didn’t hold. The Skripters wuz fulfilled; the old cloth wuz rotten, and one by one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied, and takin with em a part uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before. Our coat is busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms, out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth drearily in the cold wind.
My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity. Wat wuz the yoose uv our assoomin what we did not hev? Wat wuz the sence uv our askin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris wich hed, doorin the war, drafted their sons? Wat wuz the yoose uv talking Constooshnel Amendments to men who spozed that Internal Improvements and a Nashnel Bank wuz still the ishoo? Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt on nigger equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and ace uv the Democrisy,—its tower uv strength, its anker and cheefest trust, and wich is easy uv comprehension, and eminently adapted to the Democratic intelleck,—and takin up questions wich will all be settled ten years afore they begin to comprehend em? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my brethren, in puttin new wine into old bottles?—uv patchin old cloth with new? Let us be warned; and never repeet the fatle error.
The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but ez they gathered at Bascom’s to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at observin a visible improvement in their temper. Bascom hisself bussled around lively; Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz unskriptooral to put new wine into old tubs, but ez he didn’t hev an ijee; that the prohibishen extendid to new whisky, he’d resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizened hisself very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and Kernel McPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the nigger I menshend in the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The Corners is rapidly gettin itself agin.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M.(wich is Postmaster).
A Few Last Words.—The Writer hereof bids his Readers Farewell, and hurls a Trifle of Exhortation after them.
Confedrit × Roads(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),November 19, 1866.
Poets hev remarked a great many times, too tejus to enoomerate, that “farewell” is the saddistist word to pronounce wich hez to be pronounst. It may be so among poets, wich are spozd to be a continyooally carryin about with em a load uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich; but I hev never found it so. The fact is, it depends very much on how yoo say it, under wat circumstances, and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuz inkarseratid in the common jail uv my native village, in Noo Gersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve men, who believed, on the unsupportid testimony uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin property bein found in my possession (notwithstandinthe fact that I solemnly asshoored em that I didn’t know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin guilty uv bustin open a grosery store, and takin twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, I asshoor yoo that, at the end uv the sentence,—hevin bin fed on bread and water,—the sayin of farewell to the inhuman jailer wuzn’t at all onpleasant. Likewise, when, in the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent and gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz hauled up therefor, and sentenced by a Ablishn Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary, after an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole question at issue between the parties, and ashoored him that my triflin irregularity in the matter uv votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the salvashen uv my beloved country,—that, feelin that rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that leveler Fremont wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not be easy onless I did all in my power to ayert the evil,—when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledge uv the shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say “Farewell” to the grim jailer, whose key turnedone way wuz liberty, and tother way captivity? Nary.
These two instances, I beleeve, is the only ones in wich I hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course uv my long and checkered career (I do not here allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I am, when I think uv it, surprised at the comparatively few times wich I ever left a place at wich I hed bin stayin, in daylite! I ginerally went in the nite,—